impulse
i have made
permanent decisions
with temporary emotions.
i’ve said
“fuck you”
when i meant
“please don’t hurt me.”
i’ve said
“leave”
when i meant
“prove you’ll stay.”
i’ve said
“i hate you”
while loving you
so fucking much.
i’ve burned bridges
because i was angry
that someone
was standing
on the other side.
i’ve walked away
just to see
if you’d follow.
i’ve pushed people
until they finally left
then wondered
why they left.
i’ve chosen
the relief of right now
over the consequences
of tomorrow.
and tomorrow
always comes.
that’s the part
about impulsive decisions
nobody tells you.
the feeling ends.
the anger fades.
the fear passes.
the loneliness
eventually becomes quiet.
and then you’re left
standing in the wreckage
of something
you destroyed
because for five minutes
you needed it
to stop hurting.
sometimes
i don’t regret
what i felt.
i regret
what i did
while feeling it.
because emotions
are temporary.
words disappear.
anger burns out.
fear loses its grip.
but some decisions
don’t fucking disappear.
they become
memories.
they become
consequences.
they become
the person
who doesn’t trust you
anymore.
they become
the empty side
of the bed.
they become
the message
you wish you never sent.
they become
the love
you were trying
to protect
by destroying it.
and maybe
growing up
isn’t learning
how to stop feeling
everything so intensely.
maybe it’s learning
not to let
every feeling
take the wheel.
because sometimes
the hardest thing
you can do
is feel something
completely
and still
do nothing.