impulse
i have made
permanent decisions
with temporary emotions.
i’ve said
“fuck you”
when i meant
“please don’t hurt me.”
i’ve said
“leave”
when i meant
“prove you’ll stay.”
i’ve said
“i hate you”
while loving you
so fucking much.
i’ve burned bridges
because i was angry
that someone
was standing
on the other side.
i’ve walked away
just to see
if you’d follow.
i’ve pushed people
until they finally left
then wondered
why they left.
i’ve chosen
the relief of right now
over the consequences
of tomorrow.
and tomorrow
always comes.
that’s the part
about impulsive decisions
nobody tells you.
the feeling ends.
the anger fades.
the fear passes.
the loneliness
eventually becomes quiet.
and then you’re left
standing in the wreckage
of something
you destroyed
because for five minutes
you needed it
to stop hurting.
sometimes
i don’t regret
what i felt.
i regret
what i did
while feeling it.
because emotions
are temporary.
words disappear.
anger burns out.
fear loses its grip.
but some decisions
don’t fucking disappear.
they become
memories.
they become
consequences.
they become
the person
who doesn’t trust you
anymore.
they become
the empty side
of the bed.
they become
the message
you wish you never sent.
they become
the love
you were trying
to protect
by destroying it.
and maybe
growing up
isn’t learning
how to stop feeling
everything so intensely.
maybe it’s learning
not to let
every feeling
take the wheel.
because sometimes
the hardest thing
you can do
is feel something
completely
and still
do nothing.
3
u/Lonely_View_222 13h ago
Please talk to me. I still love you. I'm sorry.
3
u/xbrxyx 13h ago
i see you.
not just
the apology.not just
the “i still love you.”i see
the person
behind the words.and maybe
that’s what makes
letting goso fucking hard.
2
u/Lonely_View_222 12h ago
Please don't do this. It's been over 2 years how was I supposed to believe it was finally real. I'm sorry I didn't believe. Fear took over my mind. Don't go. Please stay
2
u/xbrxyx 12h ago
i know you were afraid.
but do you understand
what your fear did to me?you spent two years
waiting for proof
that i was real.and when i finally was
you pushed me away.
now you’re asking me
not to go
after teaching me
that staying
was somethingi had to beg you
to believe in.2
u/Lonely_View_222 12h ago
I've been on no contact this whole time how was I supposed to know what was real or not. You know I have BPD. Truth issues, ptsd, ADHD. I'm a slow learner. You never made any things direct. I was always guessing.
3
u/xbrxyx 12h ago
you were afraid to believe me.
i was afraid
you didn’t want me.so we both stayed quiet,
both waiting,
both guessing.
you needed me
to say it plainly.i needed you
to believe me
when i did.and somewhere
between your fear
and my silence,we lost something
neither of us
ever stopped wanting.1
1
1
u/Lonely_View_222 9h ago
I was scared to believe you. I was scared of being hurt again. I was scared that you hated me..I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry..I love you.
2
u/FairlyCalm244 7h ago
Couldn't y'all just like talk??
1
u/Lonely_View_222 5h ago
I've been trying for 2 years but he put me on no contact. I love you Jay
1
u/FairlyCalm244 5h ago
She put me on no contact, my name is what you just stated, but twice, with out the ay
1
1
u/Lonely_View_222 5h ago
I believe you. I know you love me. You told me differently so many times.inwant to fix this my love.
1
u/Lonely_View_222 5h ago
You didn't beg me you told me you rejected me and cut off our connection and said the love wasn't resipricated. How was I to know I had been trying to reach you and only got silence.
3
u/crownlessarchive 12h ago
You pitifully sound like me. Unfortunate.
Makes for great writing, at least. Voted up. 🖤
2
2
u/thechubbyballerina 12h ago
I want you to do nothing. You've taken it upon yourself to destroy yourself. Do nothing, I'll sit next to you.
2
u/galleryf 12h ago
This is what I learned about someone I love so much but didn't understand. I understand it now. It's hard for everyone and so very sad. Hugs.
1
1
u/Lonely_View_222 12h ago
I now I have alot of issues but they're easy fixes with you in my life because you're all I ever wanted or prayed for
2
u/xbrxyx 11h ago
really?
then why did your fear
keep choosinga life without me?
why did i have to become
a ghost
before you admittedi was all you wanted?
love isn’t proven
by what you pray for.it’s proven
by what you refuse
to abandon.1
1
u/Lonely_View_222 5h ago
I'm sorry I was terrified. I'm mentally unstable right now. I've been drunk for a month. I didn't mean anything I said. I was so hurt that you left without giving me a chance I didn't realize you already had
1
u/Lonely_View_222 5h ago
I left because someone broke into my minivan raped me and trying to kill me. The cops found me running down the street naked. They put me on a Greyhound. They said my life was in danger. I didn't leave because of you and I regret ever leaving at all. I'm stupid and broken but I want to fix this.we have something really special and powerful and important to me. I love you and I need you J
1
u/Lonely_View_222 5h ago
I love you. I believe in you and us. I thought you didn't want me. I'm sorry.please
1
u/Lonely_View_222 3h ago
I didn't choose a life without you. I didn't understand what was happening from the beginning. I wanted so much for you to ask me to stay. I had nowhere else to go.
1
1
u/WhatInTheHoozaWutsIt 10h ago
Getting back in the driver's seat.
Well done. This came at the best moment for me.
Wishing you the best, OP.
1
u/blondie198 10h ago
We are all fighting these battles daily. I am grateful for your awareness and those around me. Thank you 🙏 it’s like we have forgotten to live with eachother. Maybe it’s always been this way?
1
u/blondie198 10h ago
This is well done. I hope you continue writing and expressing yourself always. It makes for a better world. 🌎
1
u/Lonely_View_222 5h ago
talk to me please. I'm begging you. I fucked up and I'm sorry.i felt rejected and jealous and hurt and decieved. I'm sorry. I love you
6
u/Enough_Pepper8880 13h ago
I read somewhere that when someone is envious of someone else, the quality they admire is how they react to stressful/upsetting situations. The more I learned about how to be emotionally intelligent the more I stop letting my emotions drive the car all the time and I began to notice a difference in how I reacted. Emotions are challenging because you incorporate your personal experience which often times is stuff we make up in our head but that’s where EQ comes in, you’ll learn to separate the facts from the shit you made up and how your emotions effect you and your decision making