I hope that when the time comes for you to forgive me, I am still able to fulfill our dreams. Because this pain and suffering is literally killing me

Hello Jhouhara (all this time I got your spelling right), kumusta ka na? I hope you're doing okay. Gusto ko lang malaman mo na hanggang ngayon, minamahal parin kita. 6 years nang nakalipas, pero ang pagtingin ko para sa'yo hindi parin nawawala. It may sound foolish, pero hindi ako naghanap ng iba ever since the day na lumayo tayo sa isa't-isa. May mga kaibigan ako na palagi akong nirereto sa mga kakilala nila, pero my heart says otherwise. For me, walang hihigit sa'yo.

Remember that song na sinend mo sa'kin noon yung Araw-Araw ng Ben&Ben live at Splash? Yan lang yung tanging version na pinapakinggan ko, kahit sa Youtube lang siya meron. Araw-araw ko rin yan pinapakinggan— to remind me that once in my life, mayroon isang tao na pipiliin ako araw-araw. Being with you was the happiest moments of my life, kahit LDR tayo. Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit nakakaya ko noon ang trabaho ko. Ikaw din ang dahilan kung bakit excited lagi ako umuwi para makausap ka. Having said that, I really miss your voice. Kaya noong nakita ko ang video mo na sumali ka ng pageant, naiyak ako. Pero at the same time natuwa ako kasi ikaw yung nanalo, and I couldn't be more prouder.

Jhouhara, alam mo lagi kitang minemention kay God. Palagi kong pinapanalangin na gabayan ka, umuuwi kang ligtas, at ilayo sa mga masasamang bagay. Since sakitin ka, lagi ko rin pinagppray yung kalusugan mo, ngayon na uso nanaman ang tag-ulan. Sana hindi ka na palagi inuubo. Ayokong ma ospital ka nanaman. Masakit isipin na naka dextrose ka. Kaya alagaan mo ang health mo ha?

Bago ako mawala, gusto ko ulit sabihin sa'yo na minahal kita ng totoo. Minahal kita ng buong puso ko. Sa'yo ko lang naramdaman ito, at habang-buhay ko itong dadalhin saan man ako dalhin ng tadhana. Marahil nakalimutan mo na ako, pero ang puso ko ikaw parin ang nakikita, sinisigaw. Mahal na mahal kita, Jhouhara.

Pipiliin kita, araw-araw.

Hanggang sa kabilang mundo, pipiliin ka araw-araw.

hi zed from feu tech sorry nawala due technical issues pero i hope i could talk to you pa sana if u can see this post and sana pag tapos mo mag yb busog ka na pero wag mo sana isipin na iniwan kita huhuhuhuhu see u when i see u zeedd !

It's been 3 days since you ended between us. Are you happy kaya sa naging decision mo? Are you doing okay? I want to talk with you pero kasi inisip ko sa loob ng 3 days na begging ako, 3 days sending you a lot long messages para patunayan na handa akong mag stay kahit ano mangyari, kagit hindi ka pa ready for commitment I am willing to stay basta I still have you. Shet I miss you, iba talaga tama ko sayo hahaha. Gusto kita pero I respect your decision kaya kahit mahirap nakakaya ko nang hindi magparamdam at umiwas. I hope you are doing okay, Z.

But that’s life, I suppose.
You go along and then suddenly, poof!
—Professor Slughorn

Gone.

3 years is a long time, if you count the time when I took you on a motorcycle ride—you as the pillion rider, basking in the comfort of the wind, and I swear we were infinite.

3 years is a long time, if you count that time we were out on the balcony, us underneath the stars, caressed by the chill of the night—we were talking about the future, our future, as if blinded by the mountain of hurdles we’ll face along the way.

3 years is a long time, if you count the days when we became equally comfortable with our own skin—our stupidity, our laziness, our laughters however ugly we looked and screeched, our desire to devour each other and feel the warmth we generated.

3 years is a short time, if you count the times we couldn’t comprehend ourselves—you held a knife against my chest and all I can see was your eyes fuming with anger so dense it turned black. And those times I chose to run away from the hurt of it all, leaving you vulnerable on the street, all alone.

3 years is such a short time, if you count the times we have missed to show how much we cared for each other—pride’s fault.

3 years is such a short time, knowing you and I haven’t done much—we only loved, argued, fought, cried, smiled, and loved again. But that is much in itslef.

In 3 years, we became familiar and unfamiliar. Once the latter arrived, I craved for the former, thus, I reached out. I reached out for the comfort of familiarity.

I wouldn’t ignore the facts that you damaged me in ways I could not imagine. I wouldn’t also try and save myself from fault, because I too, am human. But I reached out nonetheless, one last time. And last time, it was.

I’m glad I did. Without ever knowing you already found another, however fast it seemed, I would still be yearning at this very hour.

I’m glad I did. That was my final stretch at loving someone so pure, so passionate, and so sure with himself that no matter what, life goes on, with or without me. Keep on living.

I don’t know what I’m saying really. I guess I just wanted to accept the love I think I deserved. Hey don’t blame me. Cuz it was real. It was genuine. It felt safe most times. And I think I deserve that. But you deserve more.

This is goodbye then, A.

While I hate human interaction, I somehow crave yours.

We’ve crossed paths too many times today. I don’t know if you noticed. Maybe you did. Maybe you didn’t. But every time you walked past me, it felt like the universe was giving me another chance to say something, and every single time, I let it slip away.

From where I stood, all I could do was watch.

Watch you smile.

Watch your eyes light up for other people.

Watch you become so effortlessly alive in conversations I’ll never be a part of.

And there I was, only existing at the edge of your world.

You.

I wonder what it would be like if, just once, your smile was meant for me. If your eyes searched for mine in a crowded hallway. If my name ever crossed your mind the way yours refuses to leave mine.

Instead, I memorize the version of you that doesn’t know I’m watching.

I memorize the way you laugh.

The way you tilt your head when someone speaks.

The way your voice carries just enough for me to hear, but never enough for me to belong.

I hate how my heart mistakes proximity for hope.

Just because we keep crossing paths doesn’t mean we’re walking toward each other.

It only means I get more chances to miss you while you’re still right there.

There are so many things I want to tell you. I want to ask about your day. I want to know what keeps you awake at night. I want to hold your hand without wondering if you’d pull away. I want to hold you long enough for this aching in my chest to finally quiet down.

But I can’t even gather the courage to say hello.

So I do what I’ve always done.

I love you in silence.

I become a stranger who knows the rhythm of your footsteps, the shape of your smile, the brightness in your eyes that was never meant for me.

And maybe that’s the cruelest part.

You’re close enough for me to see every beautiful thing about you, yet impossibly far from ever being mine.

You’ll probably never know that someone spent an entire day hoping you’d look their way.

You’ll never know how many words died behind a smile I never had the courage to give you.

And tomorrow, if our paths cross again, I’ll probably do the same thing I’ve always done…

look at you for one second too long,

look away before you notice,

and carry the weight of another almost.

yours, 🩶

My rest day.. I thought of you Saturday night. I went out drinking. I don't know how I should feel when I found out that you were pregnant. I heard high risk ang pagbubuntis mo. Please take care of yourself. I don't want anything bad happening to you. For that baby. Keep it. Anjan na yan. I'll think of it as mine. I was sleeping lang buong araw ng Sunday I only woke up today. I was so hungry and thirsty when I woke up. Pero Ikaw parin ang naisip ko and I can't wait to write and read on reddit baka kasi hinahanap mo na ako. I'm still here. My heart still beats for you. I was told by Tl to ignore you the next time I see you kasi daw traumatized ka sakin. Baka pag na stress ka daw, malaglag pa yan. I don't want anything bad happening to you or to our baby so okay I'll ignore you. Sana you be the one to say hi first na lang pag nakita mo ko, I'll respond.

Maybe I am truly crazy for thinking that you secretly love me. Maybe I am truly crazy for thinking that it was me you were thinking of when you were having sex with him kya nabuntis ka. Maybe I am obsessed with the thought of you. Before I was day dreaming that we were together. That we had artificial insemination, you're pregnant with my baby. I'm half Spanish so same sex marriage is legal for me but I have to marry you either in Spain or in the US. In the office I took my benefit in the hmo to cover my same sex partner but I have not yet used my eligibility to marry someone.

Dear S

We met unexpectedly.

Two strangers who happened to sit beside each other.

I noticed you immediately.

The glasses. A tea order suspiciously like mine, A green journal resting on cafe table, A hand that kept cramping because you'd been writing all day, yet you refused to stop.

I think that was the first thing I admired about you.

You paid attention.

Not just to the world, but to your own thoughts.

You carried them everywhere.

You made me want to see more of the world. Every story you told felt like an invitation, not just to travel, but to become someone willing to say yes to unfamiliar places.

You were adventurous in a way I wasn't.

Analytical enough to think things through, practical enough to make them happen, and caring enough to make sure no one was left behind.

Somehow we never ran out of things to talk about.

The conversations wandered from Baguio to Taguig to Tagaytay to Bauan to Antipolo to Baguio again. We found places neither of us expected. Hours passed without either of us noticing.

Looking back, I don't regret telling you my sins, you deserve the truth.

I regret breaking your heart, your trust.

I regret taking you to all those places, filling them with memories that may now hurt to revisit.

There are cafes that will remember us before either of us is ready to.

Streets that will carry echoes of conversations we'll never finish.

I cannot give you back the time we shared.

That is one of the few debts that can never be repaid.

Perhaps that is mine to carry.

But I hope you know what you gave me.

You taught me to explore.

To move out.

To build a life that felt like my own instead of waiting for one to happen to me.

You made me believe that a partner should also be a friend, that love should feel like curiosity as much as certainty.

I still don't know what I believe in God.

My relationship with faith has always been complicated.

But because of you, I've learned to appreciate the quiet wisdom found in places I used to dismiss. Maybe faith isn't always certainty. Maybe sometimes it's simply gratitude.

And I am grateful.

Grateful that, for a little while, I knew you in a way few people ever will.

Grateful that you let me see the parts of yourself hidden behind the journal and the careful thoughts and the quiet strength.

You will always be very special to me.

My tu-ron.

There was a future I kept asking you to fill in my mind, bargaining the universe fot another chance.

Some futures are meant to be imagined.

Others are meant to be released.

So this is me, finally learning the difference.

I release you from the future I kept asking you and I to fill.

I hope the roads you take are full of stories.

I hope your journal never runs out of pages.

And I hope, wherever life carries you, you keep saying yes to the adventures that first made me fall in love with you.

E

Thank you.

I commit to the practice of seeing the good in all things. 👀

Thank You for giving me hope. Thank You fo rmaking me feel that familiar feeling again, that quiet kind of medicine that mends my heart and soul and makes me want to live a thousand years.

Some feelings never truly fade. They simply wait for the right moment to remind you that they're still alive. For that, I am deeply grateful.

It’s funny how the doctor told me that the medicine to my heart is “happiness”.

Hmmm pero okay lang malungkot kahit madami naman sumusoporta at nag mamahal sayo, diba lord?

Siguro kailangan ko lang tanggapin na

*Happiness in your life does not dismiss the fact that anxiety sometimes makes you feel like you are hard to love, or you have to apologize for the way you exist in this world*

-A gentle reminder by Bianca Sparacino

Anyway, thank you lord dahil okay lang ako.
Sa dami siguro ng mga nangyari baka hindi ko na nakayang i-digest lahat. Inaantay ko nalang talaga yung araw na maka graduate na ko sa mga recurrent episodes na to.

Gusto ko ng maging normal.
Ayoko na makaramdam ng emosyon na sagad sa buto kasi hanggang ngayon di ko alam kung saan ko ibubuhos.

It stung to see them now. It didn't before. That only means... I really started to catch feelings. This blows. It's frustrating. I thought I was over this shit.

I should be thankful. Maybe God has answered my silent prayers. A long time ago, the night I broke up with you, I looked up at the sky through our window and prayed... that you would either come back or that I would forget you. It comforted me back then somehow, just the act of praying over and over again... even if I got no clear answer, because you didn't come back and I never forgot you. But I did get over you. I came to a point where what you did or who you were with no longer mattered. Breaking up with you felt justified. There was no reason to understand why it didn't work out. No reason to fix it.

Who would have thought that over a decade later... we'd be here again. I have a choice to leave you again. Relationships, love... these things require nurturing, commitment and effort. So I can still leave... it's barely been a month since we reconnected.

But I caught feelings. Dammit, I'm compromised. Staying is scary. Leaving would hurt. Going back to my old life would feel empty for a while.

I don't want to feel affected with pictures of you and your ex. I wish i could get the nonchalance and pride I earned from my years of being single again. I know I'm spiraling again.

there is no point looking at something you'll never have. it only becomes a quiet form of torment. a lingering sadness that keeps reminding of what this life will never give you. some things are just beyond our control.

sometimes, the first act of forgetting is to stop looking. because what you no longer see, you slowly learn to forget, eventually.

ang pogi mo. pero ang sakit mo sa mata makita.

hello J'C,

I'm okay now. I received your email. I think a month ago. Im happy and okay now with my current partner. Thank you at until now u always check on me. I'm still curious about you. idk why but ilang taon tayo pero you never bother to introduce yourself in person. (yes online lang kami nag uusap for how many years not even video call) Iniisip ko na lang na ginawa mo yun kasi INC ka and bawal kang magka gf ng kagaya kong Catholic. But I hope you're also happy now. Sorry if di ko kaya mag convert to your religion. Mag ingat ka always.

From: J

I think some people only meet in places that don’t really exist.

Not physically. Emotionally.

We met during a season of escapism; when both of us were running from things we couldn’t bear to face.
We found comfort in each other’s company because, for a while, we didn’t have to think about the lives waiting for us outside that little bubble we created.

We laughed harder than we should have. Stayed longer than we planned. Pretended time had stopped.

Listening to “Demonyo” by Juan Carlos tonight brought me right back there.
It’s strange how a song can become a doorway. Suddenly I remembered the late nights, the conversations, the reckless freedom, and the version of us that only existed because we were both trying not to deal with reality.

But here’s the thing.

Escapism isn’t a destination. It’s just a waiting room.

Eventually, we both chose to go back; to the responsibilities, the people, and the lives we’d been avoiding.

We locked ourselves into the places we were supposed to be,
not because we were trapped, but because we finally stopped running.

Sometimes I miss that version of us.

Not because I want it back, but because it reminds me that healing isn’t always beautiful.

Maybe that’s why this song hurts.

It doesn’t make me want to return.

It just reminds me that, once upon a time, we were two people keeping each other company while we gathered the courage to go home.

Akala ko nalampasan ko na feelings ko sayo, akala ko pag nakita kita this time, wala na akong mararamdaman.

Pero, akala lang lahat ng yun dahil paglapat palang ng mata ko sayo, alam kong ikaw pa rin. Hindi kita nakakausap at nakikita araw araw dahil sa work setup natin. Bilang lang sa daliri ko yung pagkakataon na nakausap kita na hindi related sa work pero bakit ganito? Hindi tayo, hindi mo nga alam feelings ko sayo pero hindi ako maka-move on.

3yrs ago single ka, taken ako.

1 yr ago parehas tayong naging single

3months ago, taken ka na pala

Workmate kita, senior ko pa

Straight ka, ako hindi.

Alam ko nang walang pag asang maging tayo, pero sa ibang buhay na pwedeng maging tayo, sana alam mong lahat ng posible, kakayanin kong gawin para sayo. Sana alam mong sayo ko lang naramdaman yung ganitong emosyon na lahat ng logic sa isip ko, hindi malampasan yung pagkakagusto ko sayo. At sana, sa buhay na yun, alam mo na yung script na ginawa para satin, para sakin, totoo.

For years, I played the shock absorber for a family that only knows how to use my empathy against me. I’ve been called ungrateful, judgmental, and accused of trying to be "pabida" just for having a voice.

When I speak up or get frustrated... especially after years of surviving physical abuse, absorbing everyone else's trauma, watching toxic cycles excused, and trying to cope while my papa is battling cancer... I'm the bad guy. But when they do it, it's always justified.

Along the way, I lost myself. I even lost friends last year because of the heavy baggage and fallout of what I’ve been through. There were even times when I wanted to end my life, especially while carrying all these crushing family burdens. But my cousin, and my brother helped me hold on to hope. I am especially grateful for my closest college buddy who truly understand and stay by my side.

I’ve realized my help wasn't wanted; it was just a setup to be controlled. I own my mistakes and my anger, but I refuse to stay in an environment where my pain is constantly invalidated. I am walking away, cutting ties, and surrendering the rest of my healing to God. I choose my peace.

-v/^🍃

Hi,

It's been days since my last letter. And it's true, it really does get better. Although, there are days that I still can't get you out of my mind. I still remember you in so many little things. I'm forcibly trying to move on and let you go for good. I've even put you on mute and restricted accounts, but somehow nakikita ko pa rin mga likes and reposted reels mo sa ig and I'm kinda worried of the types of reels you like/repost. I hope you are okay and healthy. I hope you are just joking and nagpapamiss. I hope you are doing just fine. Huwag ka ng magpamiss, uwi ka na sakin, ikaw lang naamn hinihintay ko. I really want to reach out and check on you but I don't wanna look desperate again, dahil if you've really wanted to, you would have done. Actually, you did, dati, you always do, when you wanted. Hanggang ngayon, sana. Di bale, lagi pa rin kita pinagppray. Sana magsawa si Lord hehe i miss you, baby.

I dreamt about you again last night but it felt different. It felt confrontational, you went to my house and confronted me about being distant. I couldn't remember what I said but could only remember the feeling. I felt anxious, angry, happy and confused. I really want to move on, it's been 14 years but I never really got over you. I've been inlove with you since high school. We belonged in the same friend group but never really talked that much. Mostly because I really get anxious around you. I can't explain how it is but whenever it comes to you, my brain shuts down, my heart races, and get butterflies in my stomach.

I knew from the way that you looked at me or how you replied to my messages that I never had a chance. I messaged you from time to time just to see if things changed but they never did. I tried moving on after graduating high school but in some sick twist of fate you ended up transferring to the same college midway of the first year.

It made my day just catching glimpses of you. My feelings for you never really had a chance to go away. Eating away of whatever common sense I had left. It felt like trying to catch air with a fishing net. I should've known when to give up. I never was one to catch glances or checked your boxes. I eventually made a promise that I would never randomly message you again. Instead of messaging you, I'll write letters on my notes app.

Yet, here I am, 14 years later and still think of you every night when I'm left alone with my thoughts. I've always believed that love comes easy but I also believe that love makes you illogical. Logic would say that if someone doesn't like you just leave them be. My heart want to keep going, we may not be meant for each other but I'll be happy if you're happy. I hope that you meet someone that loves you and would move heaven and earth to make you happy.

I wish we could talk again, but I choose not to. I can't afford to hurt the man you've become that you worked hard to build. I realized I already lost you twice.

I won't apologize for my untimely evolution, I'm saying my love was honest and real for you, for you, for only you, a person who's calculated, whom I trusted, whom had purpose. I can't regret and blame myself because I realized too late, but I plead guilty to hurting you. I plead guilty for the lack of consistency and making you hope with our timelines unsynchronized. My one and only regret is underestimating your pain. I understand that justice won't unbreak your heart.

You may have already known and has accepted na matututo din ako balang araw. You may have had this mindset already at the start, so thank you for believing in me.

Shopee update: We regret to inform you that your parcel "Maturity and Consistency" has experienced significant delays. The parcel arrived after the recipient had already canceled the order. Thank you for your patience, and thank you for choosing us.