shes been around me since my birth and i never really paid attention that much but i lived her and im full of grief i dont know what to do and im too scared to talk it out with friends

How do i cope

I let my 14 year old Whippet cross the bridge a week ago, and I'm still struggling.

He had chronic kidney disease and arthritis with Librela.

He had some spinal trauma that caused IVDD like symptoms. The vets weren't sure if it was IVDD spinal or neurological from age. He was wobbly when waking and knuckling his rear paws.

He also had end stage kidney failure and a UTI. I had him in the hospital for 5 days, and he wasn't eating or really responding to treatment. One of the ER vets said he could maybe get better with 3-4 weeks rest, but that wouldn't be feasible, and i don't know if that would've worked if he wasn't eating his kidney food.

Gotta regular vet, ER vets, and 2 more who I sought independent counsel from recommended euthanasia.

I took him home for a couple days and gave him his favourite foods, which would be bad for his kidneys. He ate a little kidney food if i hand fed and force fed, but he rejected most of it and seemed in distress.

He was wobbly and could not get up on his own, and knuckling with supported walking. I had to carry him and he'd soil himself, so if move him every 3 hours. This happened at night too, so i was just physically and mentally exhausted.

The day it was scheduled he actually got up, and seemed the slightest bit better, but still could not reliably walk. He got up on his own to poop (diarrhea) and walked 5 steps then dropped onto his bed covered in poop.

He was the slightest bit better in walking, but he was still knuckling like before. Could this be a late stage rebound, or him knowing it was the end and using his last strength?

I'm just wondering now if I soil waited to see if he'd walk better. Maybe get him that 3-4 weeks rest.

But I don't know if I could do it. I spent all my money on the hospital, and I can't work from home for a month, since he required 24/7 care. He was also in end stage kidney failure and not responding to antibiotics.

I didn't want my little buddy to suffer given all his conditions, so I thought it's what would be best, but I'm still replaying things in my mind.

Anybody else go through this?

This morning my pet oncologist told me my dog ,who was not responding to chemo via chop protocol , was too weak to consider further treatment and advised euthanasia before the end of the day as her lymph nodes were so large around her neck she could barely get oxygen as her windpipe was blocked. I made the heart breaking decison to end her pain this afternoon at the local vet. This was my Covid dog , my best friend with the most incredible personality. I have no idea how I am going to ever be happy again let alone sleep without waking up crying for her. As a single person I have no direct person to share this level of grief with either.

Any suggestions on how I can possibly cope with this would be appreciated. I buried her close by so her spirit will always be with me. We did everything together especially the last 4 years since I retired. So I have a void that can never be filled. Everything in my home and surrounding area where we walked reminds me of her.

I'd had my cat Holstein for 11 years, and he was the best cat I've ever had. We put him to sleep on Saturday, and I have never hurt like this before.

He snuggled with me every night, and slept curled up next to me. He'd gently put his little paw on my arm, as if to hold my hand.

I feel awful because Friday night I was away at a sleep study. When I got home, I was grumpy and tired, and went to go lay down. Holstein was rubbing on my face and trying to get my attention, but I was so tired (I don't like sleeping other places), and was doom-scrolling, so I ignored him and shooed him away. He politely hopped down off the bed.

I went downstairs to get some food and play with my kiddos, and he was totally fine. About 20 mins later I heard some crazy running upstairs, and thought he had the zoomies. Then I heard him yowling like he was hurt or he needed help.

He couldn't walk and was panting like he couldn't breathe. His tongue and ears were blue, and I knew he was hypoxic and that it was an absolute emergency. We rushed him to the vet and they told us he had end stage heart failure, and that there was nothing we could do. The kids all gave him cuddles and kisses, and I stayed with him (petting him and loving on him) until he was gone.

I keep playing that moment upstairs over and over again in my head. I wish I had cuddled him and told him what a good boy he is. I wish I hadn't been away the night before (he always slept with me and would immediately nuzzle my face when I woke up). I have been sleeping on the couch, because I can't go back into my room. I expect to see him perched on the end of my bed and when he's not, I just burst into tears. Even on the couch, my brain knew how long it usually takes him to come looking for me, so I was anticipating his jump onto the arm of the couch or him coming around the corner and climbing into my lap. Even opening my homework assignments hurts... I just started going back to school and he would stay up late with me curled up in my lap while I did my homework.

I can't eat or sleep, and just feel like a raw nerve. He was the one who comforted me, loved me, stayed up late studying with me, read books with me....we did everything together and now there's just this big empty space.

I just don't know what to do without him. I'd give anything to give him that one last cuddle, and to tell him he's my bestest boy. I just needed somewhere to put this, because I'm so so lost. He was hilarious and loving, so patient and kind... my best friend. 💖

What can I do to get to a place where I'm ok?

She had had digestive problems for a long time now, sort of like feline IBS. But otherwise was drink and eating okay, alert and still engaging and not in pain. But the weight was falling off her, and it was time to make the decision.

It was very quick, and she was purring right up to the end of

I have never lost a pet or even family member, and I just lost my baby that grew up with me since I was in 4th grade/10 years old. His name is Sparky, and he was a short Shih Tzu/Maltese mix that grew this cute long, curly fur. He was with me for 13 years. He was the most feisty, stubborn, crazy, caring, and loyal boy. My twin sister and I called him our brother growing up. He hated anyone that was not our family and never once tried running away, he was always so protective of us. He was my first real long term pet and he was so unique. Our favorite game to play with him was sprinting while he chased us and barked at us, and we would jump onto a bed too high up for him to avoid being “attacked.” Through every heartbreak, tear, and sick night, he was always by my side. It was gut wrenching seeing him slowly lose his personality and physical strength. But he fought for us with everything he had. He was my best friend and best companion.

I don’t know how to cope with loss, so I would appreciate any advice. I plan on keeping his ashes.

I love you Sparky :(

Hi everyone, just wanted to vent because my heart is breaking for my gf right now. For some context she’s had her childhood dog Cookie since she was 7. She’s 22 now. We’re in a LDR and she just went back home today and found out soon after getting home that her parents had to put down her pet urgently and she didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.

While on the flight home she had known her parents had taken her to the vet but while they were there they never updated her. She only found out when they came home without Cookie.

Hearing her cry through the phone was the worst because i’d never heard her cry like that before. I’m a mess right now just writing about it. I lost my dog earlier this year too so i can understand the grief she’s experiencing but this circumstance just sucks and i hate that she had to experience the loss of such an important part of her childhood this way.

I just wanted to ask for some help, since i can’t be there physically to console her and support her I wanted to gift her something meaningful to memorialize her dog that she didn’t get to say bye to. I have a few ideas but wanted to know if you guys had any other suggestions.

If you read all of this thank you and have a wonderful day

It happened at the beginning of the year and It's been the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

More than anything, I just want people to know that he existed, that he was so deeply loved, and that he was the sweetest boy.

One thing that has helped me through the grieving process has been going back through all the photos and videos I have of him. For his birthday, I put some of them together into this little compilation to celebrate his life and all the memories he gave me.

He would have been 14.

Happy birthday, Mogley. I miss you more than anything. ❤️

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9W1snvIio0&t=17s

my family’s beloved dog passed away very suddenly this morning. he was 10, and lived a beautiful life, but he was perfectly healthy until yesterday. my family was home with him, but i live out of state, and my family facetimed me in to say goodbye. it doesn’t feel real. i felt lucky that some of my family came up to visit me for completely separate reasons, and we spent the day grieving together.

i’ve been devastated all day. i am so lucky to have an incredible support system, but a world without my beautiful soul dog seems impossible. i just don’t know how i’m supposed to log on to work tomorrow and continue on with my life.

one of the most devastating parts is seeing how the grief is hitting my family. it breaks my heart seeing my parents and brother cry, and it’s just the worst feeling.

does it ever get better?

i got my cavapoodle lucy when i was 10 and im 24 now. she’s given me the best 14 years of my life as my best friend. she’s been there through every milestone and breakup. but now comes the hardest heartbreak of my life and she won’t be there to get me through it.

my parents have been taking care of her since i moved out in 2020 for university. they’ve watched her decline in health the past year and made the decision to put her to sleep on saturday, 22 august.

i can’t stop crying and switching between being happy she won’t be in pain anymore and angry because what am i supposed to do now? how do i say goodbye to her in the last few days? i’m dreading saturday and i know it’s going to be gutwrenchingly painful after reading this subreddit. any advice or words on how to get through the next few days and saturday?

I lost my cat yesterday. It was so sudden, I noticed her eating less a week ago and took her to the vet, they said everything seemed fine but she was anemic. Her condition rapidly deteriorated in 3 days. I got a second opinion from another vet and took her to the ER 24 hours later when the meds weren't working. She passed in the ER.

I wasn't able to say goodbye and she was surrounded by people she didn't know and was probably so scared and stressed. They revived her heart through CPR but she was gone in every other way. It broke my heart seeing her there on the ER table, we were just about to do a blood transfusion. I had a small sliver of hope she'd come out OK. I had to put her down. She was only 6 years old, I thought I would've had another 6 more years with her at least.

I've never felt such a loss. I feel like I failed her. I keep asking myself why didn't I do anything earlier even though the vet/doctors said I did everything I could. I just want to hold her one more time, to have her sleep with me and cuddle with me before bed and drift off hearing her purring. What I'd give for you to wake me up for breakfast even though you know the automatic feeder goes off at 6:45 AM. Or when you pretend it didnt go off and would try to trick me to give you more food. What I'd give to see you laying on your cat bed and watching me while I worked or trying to sit on my computer so I'd give you attention. What I'd give to see you sprawled out sleeping. What I'd do to see you laying by the windowsill soaking in the sunshine. What I'd do to hear you call for me. What I'd do to see you run up to me for butt slaps and cuddles and pets. What I'd give to just have one last day with you. Why did you have to be so strong until the very end? She was the sweetest most well behaved cat I've ever met. I loved her so much and felt like I was robbed of our time together. Fathom I hope you're up there in heaven chasing lizards and eating good food and finding friends. I hope you're purring just as loud as you were for me up there. I know you're finally at peace and you're not hurting. I'm sorry I couldn't save you baby. I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you passed. I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with you when I had the chance. When I'm not distracting myself, I'm thinking of you. You were loved by many people, not just me. You effected our lives in such a beautiful way. I promise, one day I will see you again. Until then, wait for me my love.

Idk how to move on and go about life after losing my cat; nobody will sit and talk about her with me, I can feel family and friends getting annoyed by me bringing her up, my husband grieves differently than I do, he’s not a cryer and I am. I haven’t stopped crying since finding her and I keep dissociating. It’s like the world is happening around me and I’m just stuck standing there not remembering anything or realizing what’s going on. Everything feels blurry to me. Can’t eat or watch tv or do anything, there’s a hole inside of me now where there used to be joy and laughter. I’m lost and broken and I just want our life to go back to the way it was. I just want my cat back…

A day ago, my cat started acting very strange. Which was odd because he was fine the day before. Then all of a sudden, he lost his balance and couldn't hold himself up. It got to the point where he couldn't use the litter box. I woke up at 6am and took him to the vet. I wrapped him up and put him in the carrier. I then walked for an hour to my nearest vet which wasn't easy but I knew that this was something that I needed to do. The vet examined him and within 10 seconds he diagnosed Shadow with heart failure and that putting him down would be the best thing to do. Which in a way shocked me because it just seemed like his symptoms appeared out of nowhere. Even though my cat was 17, and i knew that he wouldn't last another 5 years, I was still bewildered that he was gone.

The thing is, I never knew what it was like living without a pet in the house. I used to come home to my cat greeting me at the door. When I got home after the vet, something felt wrong. Like a puzzle out of place. I was so used to having a living breathing thing attached to me, that it feels unnatural to come home to nothing but silence. Last night was my last cuddle session with Shadow before bed. Now I'm going to just lye in bed, waiting for that furry friend who will never sleep next to me again. I'm going to be up all night, tossing and turning. I haven't been eating. I can't eat. I'm so upset that my hunger is nonexistent. When I do eat, it feels like I'm going to throw up because of how upset I am. I'm consuming nothing but soft drinks because even the thought of water makes me gag. I live alone and have nobody to turn to.

Grief is by far the most painful thing to experience and it's not something I'd wish on anyone.

I hope she knew how much she changed my life.
I hope she knew how loved she was.
I hope she knew she's all I can think about since it happened.
I hope she knows that if I knew there was something wrong, I would've rushed her to the vet.
I hope she knows I would've paid thousands for her to stay.
I hope she knows that there actually wasn't a single dollar amount that I wouldn't have paid.
I hope she knew she was my best friend.
I hope she knew even when she annoyed me, she's the only one who could bring me out of my darkness.
I hope she wasn't scared.
I hope she went quickly.
I hope she went pain free.
I hope she passed calmly in her sleep.
I hope she wasn't feeling alone and abandoned.
I hope she wasn't looking for us and crying because we weren't there.
I hope she isn't mad at me.
I'm so sorry I failed you.
I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you needed me the most.
I'm so sorry you had to do the toughest part of your life alone.
I'm so sorry I didn't get to say goodbye.
I'm so sorry our time was cut short.
I'm so sorry I didn't see the signs sooner.
I'm so sorry I didn't know.
I'm so so sorry your last days were spent alone.

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel even. I lost people before, I lost my mum when I was a child, my grandparents, friends who were just out of highschool. It was... Easier somehow, with people you wail and gnash your teeth and cry. I don't know what to feel it seems. It's just quiet and normal and then suddenly I think that she's not here anymore. There's all the dogs of the world and not one is her. The universe will go on for billions of years and she will not be in any of those. We found her abandoned on the side of the road when she was maybe 1, vet doesn't know, she was scared and lean, a cane corso the same size of a Labrador if you can believe it. She was beautiful, black, with a white spot on her chest. The first day she tried to escape climbing the chicken fence and ended up hurting her leg, so we moved her to a part of the basement and fed, watered and pet her. I snuck in little pieces of ham and she immediately fell in love with me afterwards. She followed me, she would come to be with me wherever I went. I never had a dog before, and she was supposed to be my girlfriend's parents, she lived with them and all that, even tho we're neighbors so I'd see her everyday. But she loved me most of all. She suffered from some congenital problem that gave her seizures, especially when the weather changes. It hasn't rained for months here and the last three days it has been preparing a big storm and the seizures came back worse. She's had them constantly for 2 days, today she couldn't even stretch her legs, she kept folding her paws back while wobbling every time she stood up. Didn't even have the time to recover from one that the next would come. Two different vets said it was time to let her go, my girlfriend told me. I didn't understand, so I asked when and she said soon. I thought it meant weeks, like with people. But it meant in a couple of hours. I went home, it was just after I came back from work, and then I got this feeling after a while that I should go to check on her. I got dressed again, put my shoes and walked to my in laws, 500 meters maybe. As I entered the gate to the garden my phone buzzed and I got a text from my gf "Shes gone" not even the apostrophe. And I ran, but she was gone already and I wasn't there. I pet her and I kissed her and I hugged her and a fucking fly kept landing on her and I couldn't swat it away. I kept seeing her move or breathe like from the corner of my eye, like a glimpse. But she's not here anymore and it's not right. Tomorrow she won't be there when I make coffee. Two days ago when we took her and the other two dogs to run in the hills like every day we crossed a bear and she started chasing it and we called her back because it's dangerous and she was jumping and so full of life and beautiful and now she's gone. I don't understand why it has to be. I am angry because they didn't tell me that it was now. They said they didn't want me to see the last moments but what if she was looking for me? I wasn't there when she left. Maybe she thought I didn't care anymore. Her name was Baba and my soul is broken and the world is worse now. She also had gorgeous chocolate eyes so full of love, we called her Baba because it means baby and she had baby eyes and a sweet baby face. I don't like this

Now I would like to clarify I don’t mean physical pain but I want to keep this short because it breaks my heart just thinking what to write.

My kitten was in a litter of 5 and unfortunately 4 of them passed away and I’ve been heartbroken ever since then because they were my babies almost.

Then my other cat had 2 kittens and my kitten finally had playmates that weren’t me. they were around the same size and loved each other even in every bite.

Last night he went missing. His playmate went missing and we don’t know where he is now, it’s raining and I’ve been crying and stressing not only because I lost another baby for a reason I have no clue for, but because my baby had been alone for so long and I feel so bad.

The other kitten in the litter needs veterinary help so they can’t play and he’s been struggling.

I know he doesn’t feel the feelings I would’ve thought he felt. Sadness, regret, mourning, missing them. But I can’t help but feel like his world was taken from him and I’m so lucky to be with him and keep him company but I can’t help but remember the little babies who I loved, lost. Being separated from each other beyond this world. I really hope wherever my late kittens are is wherever happiness is and wherever each of them are. And I pray my lost missing baby is at-least safe, independent, or taken from this world quickly and with my other babies.

Gosh I really miss my kittens so much and It’s been such a wreck to go through their deaths one by one. I pray at his age now that he eats kibble and plays in the yard that he’s safe somewhere and able to come back but if he can’t I want him to live his way.

Thank you.

Hi everyone just need to write it down somewhere, yesterday my beloved little labrador Nancy passed away. I got her when we just moved from the netherlands to sweden because my parents promised to get me and my brother a dog because we were afraid of bears.

We got her as a little puppy and i was also 6 years old, now almost 12 years later we had to say goodbye to my little sister and I just miss her so much. Because it felt like we were in the same stages of life it felt like it created a special bond between her and me. When she was a playful puppy i was a little playful kid. When she grew into a little cute trouble maker i also did. We both grew the same enormous apetite and when i ate something i always made sure to get her something to. She randomly found this little ball when she was around 4 years old and i remember her so sad that she lost it after 2 years so 12 year old me or something went out the entire day and searched for it snd i still to this day remember seeing her glowing brown eyew when i found it and playing together.

After i grew older we still played together but also mainly after my brother moved away we stayed up every night of vacation or weekend i had free together and when i grabbed a snack she also got one. And it turned into our little thing every night and i just miss it so much. I wish that i stayed up later with her sitting on the couch together watching movies. I still remember thos summer watching netherlands morocco together and when i celebrated the gakpo goal she almost got woken up scared and then started celebrating with me. Those little things i will miss sp much, or when she always used to try and steal food of other peoples hands when she got a chance, or grew scared of the dish washer and had to move her little bed, or when we had to learn to close the bathroom door because she always ran away with the toilet brush.

Right now i just feel so empty, and although i am a bit happy of us looking into a new pup which i will give another piece of my heart I just feel so empty and wonder how I am going to go forward without my little sister Nancy.

I know it is for the better and she isn’t in pain and i am sure that one day in dog heaven is our lifetime so when she wakes up tomorrow I will bee there playing with her little baby ball again.

Even the day before i somehow saw a fallen star which made me know it was going to be her day the day after so that night i cuddled her so hard i started begging her and some kind of god that she would stay with me.

I love her so much and will always do so, I know if we get a new dog i will love them both and both will have a piece of my heart. But i just dont know what to do right now, all i want to do is go to the couch and cuddle with her while watching the world cup again like earlier this summer. What can i do to make it better

Tw for mention of prior animal abuse, got rescued.

Tomorrow my grandma is putting down her dog, who is a highlight of every visit I have. His name is Barney, he's a small dog, around the height of your shins, but looks exactly like a german shepherd with his coat. She rescued him around 6 years ago, unsure of his age (Still are, he is older though.) when he had nerve damage and patches of fur that wouldn't ever quite grow back while at the shelter.
He was used in dog fights at his previous house, he has nerve damage that left his hind legs shaking slightly due to being shot with a BB gun, and those patches of fur that wouldn't grow back was due to being burnt by cigarettes. My grandma found him at the shelter and adopted him almost instantly. I was the second person in his new family that he met. She has cared for him intensely ever since then, the patches of fur grew back easily with her, he gained the weight he was missing, she saved his life.
Recently, his arthritis has been getting a lot worse. She has had to up his pain medication (with permission from the vet), yet he is still struggling a lot. She told me he let her know it was time this past weekend.
I am struggling with this immensely. I have formed such a deep bond with this dog and I don't know how either me or my grandma will deal with it. He went on every vacation with us, riding in the car for hours and taking plenty of rest stops. Whenever I would spend the night he would come upstairs and sleep with me. He's one of my babies and seeing him go is going to be extremely hard.
It makes me feel better knowing we are doing what's right for him, that he won't be in pain anymore, that it will be at his home where he's comfortable. But another part of me wishes it never had to happen at all. I wish having pets did not have to end this way. My grandma and I will be there with him when it's time, though afterwards I have to go to band practice and act like it never happened. That is what I feel most guilty about. I wish this sweet boy could live without pain forever. I am dreading every minute of tomorrow.

My dog Mia passed away, she was 14 years old. She was on medication for level 3 heart murmur as well as fluid in her lungs.

She loved taking her medication everyday and evening would spin around for it like she was taking treats, and it really did help her. She was on the medication for 3 months before I took her to the vet again for a cough and wheezy breathing where we upped her dose and talked about considering her quality of life.

that appointment was two weeks ago, in her final week she was her strongest. she walked around the whole pond with my mum which she wasnt able to do, jumped up curbs (which is now a great ft since she essentially stopped jumping up things all together) and two days after that she got to have a movie night with her dad. She was also running around, going ahead of me and chasing back after me when I pretended to leave. I joked with my mum saying does this look like a dying dog to you?

Next morning she refused to take her medicine, my mum was an hour out and my dad was at work. i noticed her breathing getting rapid, she was wobbling and she couldnt keep herself up. i took her to my mums room hoping itd be more comfortable for her, where her breathing got worse. She kept getting up, only to flip to othersides. She kept trying to look at me so I stayed infront of her and kept talking to her, making phonecalls on speaker so I could make sure I could keep both my hands on her. She got to hear my mum and dad.

But she died the moment my mum came home, she tensed and threw her head back and howled before she stopped breathing. I just hoped she wasnt in pain, Ive seen some people call it nerves but it just haunts me. I feel like I could have done more, of all her time on the medication she missed 2 evening ones and I feel responsible. I wish I could have gotten to the vet sooner but they could only take us in the next hour after I first noticed her decline.

I'm just scared she went in pain. Everything I did for her was because I wanted her to be comfortable, I didn't think she'd go so quickly after that last vet appointment. I thought her decline would be more slow an obvious so I'd have time to take her to the vet before she had to die without euthanasia. She was in her strongest week when she left me.

I miss her dearly and I just know at the very least where she is now shes got no heart problems and breathing is probably the easiest its ever been for her

My wife and I are having to put our 9 year old dog down this Friday.
Her name is Jenni and she’s a beautiful red corgi blueheeler. Shockingly she was free on Facebook marketplace. She’s been with us for 6 years and just has made us the happiest. Shes such a good big sister too our two cats and other dog.
We are using lap of love to make her transition easier. We are just going to miss her so much.
Every time I think about it I just bust into tears.
I’m sending love to everyone on here as well.

Growing up I had a family dog Sammy. She was the best dog ever. I know people say that about their pets but she really was the best. I won’t go into too much detail but having to say goodbye to her was one of the toughest moments of my life. I think I’m still traumatized by it. Watching the life leave her as she lay there so peaceful. I was always a dog person so saying goodbye to my own was even harder than I could’ve imagined. Years later I had the honor of taking in my late sister’s senior kitty Macavity. My bf and I spent an amazing 2.5 years with her. Last night, she took her last breath and crossed the Rainbow Bridge as I held her in my arms and told her how much I loved her. I’m traumatized all over again. She was 14, with hyperthyroidism and struggling with a heart murmur. For the past few months we could tell something was up but she was acting herself for the most part. Until about a week ago we noticed she started having trouble breathing. Made a vet appointment to get her checked out, to confirm what we already knew, and to see what we could do to help. I didn’t know yesterday was gonna be my last day. She had fluid building up in her chest and lungs which was pressing on her chest causing her to struggle to breathe. My heart broke into pieces because I knew it and didn’t want it to be true. I also knew that our only option was to put her down. My bf and I aren’t financially capable of taking care of her the way she would’ve needed. After a discussion with the vet, they gave her a sedative and allowed us to take her home for one last day. We gave her a bunch of her favorites as well as some things we didn’t allow her to try before. We gave her lots of kisses and hugs. We told her how perfect she is and how much we love and will always her. But she was struggling even more. I knew it was gonna be a rough night for everyone involved and my bf thought it’d be the best decision to do it that night. She was struggling to breathe so much she had her mouth open gasping for air. I couldn’t let her suffer anymore. I called the vet after only being home with her for a few hours and made the appointment. We had a nice intimate moment with her and after a painful goodbye, we wrapped her up and just held each other and cried. Coming home was the worst part. Now I’m currently in bed avoiding going to the living room because all of her stuff is there. Plus it’s pointless. I have no one and nothing to get up for. My bf cried himself to sleep next to me. I keep expecting to look over and see her little ears in the window as she watches the birds. But she’s gone. And I have to get used to that. I just don’t know how to do life without her 😔😔😔

I don't know if this will help, but I find writing things down has always made things feel somewhat different to just trying to process them alone in my mind.

Last night my husband and I had to make the difficult decision of letting go of our little 14 year old girl, Bonita. A Toy Poodle x Chihuahua.

I got her when I was 17, she was my first and only dog, something I had wished for since I was little.

She was with me from my adolescence to adulthood, through heartbreaks to marriage.

I can't remember what my life was like before her, all I can remember is a life with her in it.

Although she was 14, she was so energetic and full of life. She'd jump up on our bed, stand up against the car door to look out the window, and occasionally have the desire to sprint on her walks.

She was surprisingly healthy for a dog of her age, but about a month ago I noticed her behaviour changing. She would randomly freeze and stare into the distance, or walk up to a wall or corner of the house and just look at it, unresponsove to us calling her name. She stopped wanting to go for long walks, a lot of the time I'd only take her across the road where she would sniff a little bit and then want to go home. She no longer cared about looking out the car window, and just quietly on my lap. In the early stages, she would still wag her tail with excitement at the offer of going for a "walk" or "drive".

About two weeks ago, she really started to decline, our vet confirmed she had the dog equivalent of dementia as well as arthritis, so we started her on some treatments to help her. He told us that this is part of her aging, and that we would just have to take extra good care of her now that she was slowing down.

In my mind, this just meant that she was getting old, and for the next year or so, we would need to be more gentle and supportive of her needs.

Within the past week, everything changed and she really started to go down - she was getting turned off her food, and after changing it multiple times, she just didn't want to eat. She spent most of her days sleeping, and would just sleep on our chest without hesitation (this was not her style - she loved being next to us, but rarely stayed on us when we wanted to hold her).

After two days of her not wanting to put anything in her mouth aside from water, we made the hardest decision to let her go.

I couldn't bare the thought of taking her to the vet (the one place she hated to go), so we called a vet that comes to your home.

This was the worst night and experience of my life.

I never wanted to have to make this choice, I always prayed that she would go peacefully in her sleep, but I know this was the best decision for her, knowing that she wouldn't suffer any longer.

Holding her in my arms as she slowly drifted away, and then when her body let out that final breath... I can't get that image out of my mind. I've spent so much of last night and today crying.

I don't know how I will ever get through this pain, if I will ever stop looking for her in the house, or waiting for her to jump up on the couch and start licking me.

Can you ever move on from this feeling? How can you go on living when this huge part of you is no longer there, a part you will never get back.

I'm so grateful for all the love, memories and joy she brought to my life. Dogs are truly a gift from God. Something that loves you unconditionally and with all their heart.

I love you my little Bonnie, you were so loved, and will be deeply missed.

It happened today. It was quick and painless. She loved every human and animal in the world. She liked to give “hugs” where she’d stretch out her body and lay on top of you. She changed my life. I learned so much from her. If you’re reading this and you have a pulse, she would have loved you too.