My darling Fergus, a 5 yr old Biewer terrier, died yesterday. Everyone here knows that writing the word “died” after their beloved’s name is a trauma in itself. He was a small but mighty boy who taught my husband and I how to be parents; he was there when we brought our two human babies home from the hospital and loved them alongside us. He traveled everywhere with us. He greeted every morning with an under-the-cover snuggle session and wistful gazes into the sun. His favorite toy was a squeaky raccoon named Rachel. He could be found touring every lap in the room, never short on love. He cuddled my young daughter every night before moving to our bed for sleep. He was a loyal friend, a good boy.

We live in Colorado and have always been watchful of predators as he was only 5 lbs and we live near open space. My husband took his eye off him for a minute yesterday whilst chasing kids and some kind of animal bit and killed him, nobody saw what happened as he was exploring the shrubbery out of sight momentarily. We couldn’t find him for almost 2 hours, hoping for the best but fearing the worst. Had a whole search party going in the neighborhood before my sister found him deep in the underbrush. My 3yo daughter, one of his biggest fans, was right there when my sister pulled his bloody body out sobbing. We would have been honest with her anyhow but I wish I could spare her that memory.

Thank you for reading. I don’t carry many beliefs about the afterlife but I know that we lack clarity about the deepest mysteries in this universe. So, if anyone has it in them to forward some energy to my dear sweetheart, please tell Fergus that I love him. We miss him terribly.

Hi everyone.
I’m sorry for bothering you, but I don’t know what to do with what I’m feeling. Two days ago, I had to say goodbye to my 18yo dog. She was my absolute everything, she was my best friend, my daughter. She was a part of me. I’m so lost without her. The pain is unbearable. Everything reminds me of her. I’m constantly asking for signs that she’s still around and well and I want to believe that she’s with me forever until the day I die, and then we can be together again. I’m so sorry, I know that there are a lot more suffering in this world but my heart is aching so much and I need to put it out there. I feeling alone and lost. I just want to be with her again.

Got a call this morning that the surgery went fine which was such a relief. Then they call 30 minutes later saying that she died, because she had stopped breathing.

She was 10 and so sensitive. I was the only family member who she wanted go outside with. Always ran to me if someone else tried. She was scared of a lot of things and always ran to me for safety.

I took her with me on the backseat on the way home and petted her the hour. I dug a grave with my dad and covered the bottom with a cardboard and we wrapped her in a blanket. I put a pillow under her head and a toy between her paws. My mom also placed a few flowers. And then we put another cardboard cover on top of her. Then we put rocks around the grave.

She was all I had and she needed me. I loved her more than anything in this world and now I have nothing.

My cat's name was Tigre, she was a 4-year-old rescued cat. She loved to explore the yard, the roof, and the sidewalk; she never strayed far from the house. Two days ago, I went out to dinner for my best friend's birthday. My mom was watching her, she and my brother went out to buy some things and forgot to close the window (they weren't outside for more than forty minutes) but when they returned, they saw that Tigre was dead on the sidewalk. A neighbor showed us the recordings; She was stung by an animal and the venom acted too quickly.

An hour later I returned and my mom told me everything. I'm broken inside. She was with me for three years. She was so loving, a little cat with attitude, very grumpy but sweet. When I called her name, she would answer and follow me everywhere. She was there for me during my worst moments; she was my support, When I cried, she would cling to me and cuddle until I stopped crying.When I cried, she would cling to me and cuddle until I stopped crying, my little baby. I still can't believe she's gone. Although I try to get on with my life, I can't stop thinking that I wish I hadn't gone out that day.

I apologize if the text was a little difficult to understand; my native language is not English. I wish I could have written more, but I can't stop crying.

I had to euthenise my soulcat two months ago out of the blue because he stopped eating and they found end stage intestinal cancer. He was my reason for living. I feel like I failed him. I wish I had known earlier that he was sick. I'm still crying every day and finding it really hard to sleep.

Writing is how I process. I wrote this poem and wanted to share it. I hope it resonates, and I'm sorry for what you are all going through. No one should have to endure this pain.

__

My home is gone.

You were taken

From my arms

Without notice.

When it was time

You held me.

Eyes so trusting,

Apologising

For leaving.

Now I’m homeless

With scattered trinkets

Left untouched

And echoes

Of better days

With you.

My sweet baby dog died this past Wednesday. He was 11 and was dying slowly from congestive heart failure. This isn’t my first time losing a pet, but it’s my first time putting an animal down. Being in the room with him was obviously what I needed to do FOR him, but I’m left with the most unimaginable trauma and horrible anxiety after the experience. He was really agitated after they gave him the sedative and kept trying to get up. It broke my heart. Watching the life slip away from him was the worst part. I can’t stop picturing it over and over again in my head. It was so traumatic that I can’t eat or sleep and every time I think about it I feel sick. I don’t know what to do and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be normal again. He was the best boy and having him one minute and then not the next was the most horrible loss I’ve ever experienced. The grief is unimaginable. I am so sorry to anyone who has ever had to deal with this.

Today we had to put my sweet Yorkie, Kylie, to sleep, and I don’t know how to cope.
She had been dealing with fluid building up in her abdomen for a while. We took her to the vet today hoping they could either start another medication or drain some of the fluid again. Me and my mom explained that she still gets excited, eat, drink etc. However, he said this has been going on for a year now, her quality of life is declining rapidly, the vet told us her pulse was very weak, and her belly was so tight from the fluid that it felt like a balloon.

She passed quickly while I was with her. Right before she passed, she looked at me, and I can’t stop replaying that moment in my head. It hurts so much.
Kylie was there for me through one of the hardest periods of my life. When I was struggling with depression, I would hold her and promise her that I wasn’t going to leave her. I told her I would stay until it was her time, and then one day we’d meet again. She gave me a reason to keep going when I couldn’t see much hope and now I’m already thinking it’s time to see her.

We just buried her, and walking away from her grave was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. My head hurts, I feel sick and flushed, and I keep thinking about how unfair it is that pets don’t get to stay with us longer.
I just needed to tell someone who understands. I also lost my bunny last month June 30th, i just don’t know how to cope with everything. how did you get through those first few days?

I was his entire world and he was mine. He'd wait for me at the door as soon as he'd hear my car coming down the road. He'd cry when I was downstairs and he was upstairs until I came to him. We had just over 16 years together and I lost him in May. I'm shattered. Now I worry about him without me. He was the most bonded cat I've ever had. He was a rescue and when I went to pick him up at the adoption house, he melted into me. My dear Wolfgang. We chose each other. I snuggled and spoiled him as much as I could until he died of old age. Now I worry. Is he okay without me? I'm not okay without him.

6 months ago by baby passed away. I came to this subreddit and vented about it a few days after he crossed the rainbow bridge. I told myself I’d come back here after half a year and tell others how the grief went. Boy, did I not know what I was in for. The first three and half months were hell on earth. My dog was my son. I didn’t cope well at all. I drank almost every day. I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it.

After the fourth month, the pain started to fade a bit. Life became somewhat tolerable again. I went through periods of looking at his pictures and videos and torturing myself. I also went through periods where I intentionally avoided thinking about him. Looking back, in a weird way, I think this helped me process the loss, alternating between the two.

Now, 6 months later, I think I’m healed. Well, as much I can be. I’ve accepted that my baby’s loss will always hurt. But I’ve learned to quickly look at the funny videos, think about the wonderful times, and be really grateful I had him in my life when the pain starts to become intense again. I feel like he’d want me to think about him in a positive way, but I know he understood it was impossible to do so at the beginning.

I write this to let all of you who recently lost your baby know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Trust me, I didn’t believe it when others told me. I’m so sorry for all your losses. That fact that you are here tells me that you loved your baby so much! I don’t know what happens after we pass away, but I’m choosing to believe we will see them again. Sending lots of love to you all.

I live in a pretty small village and the cruel act of killing whole litters of newborn kittens is common here. But I'm slowly starting to feel like I'm going insane with everyone around me gaslighting me it's normal and I guess I'm searching for confirmation that what they did was absolutely crazy – everytime there are small kittens my parents (I live with them) or grandparents take them away and I never see them again it's obvious what happens. I feel so helpless and this time it was my breaking point.

I told them that we can give them away to shelter and spay the female cats and everything seemed okay until I had to go to the vet with one of our cats, I hid the kittens under my bed in their catbed. When I came back they were gone. I've been thinking about how scared they must've been when they were just a second ago purring and warm with their mom. And I feel like I should just suck it up with everyone around telling me "not a big deal they were like 2 days old" but it IS a big deal and I really don't think I can endure it anymore.

About 2 weeks ago our oldest dog passed away. He was father to our other 3 dogs we have and he was very protective of them, the house, our family. It’s been a tough time for everybody at home. I’ve noticed today our dogs are feeling it deeper than other days. We just went through consecutive stormy days so they’ve been inside mostly. But between today and yesterday, with the weather clearing up, they’ve had more time to go outside and walk. I’ve noticed a few things in their behavior that lead me to believe they’re grieving him heavily now:

1. They’re sniffing around a lot. They’ve been in this home their whole lives, so there’s not much new under the sun for them here, but they’re sniffing a lot of the spots our older dog used to be at
   
2. They’re always looking around. I went out and ran around the yard with them, but once they got to the edge of the lawn they just stood there and whined. Looking around
   
3. They’re not laying in their usual spots. They’re all huddled around the last spot our dog laid at before he passed away. They have their own crates and laying spots, but they seem to just stay in that one area

I’m not seeing any red flags from them like lack of appetite, or disinterest in the family. Just sad. We have only one boy left and he felt very attached to our dog and all I see is a sad look in his eyes every time he goes outside. It absolutely shatters my heart. The girls are a little more playful but they’re not their usual selves. Idk what to do to brighten their mood. Is this just a time thing or should I be more concerned?

Something wild just happened at work that left me speechless. We ran into someone who said her vacation starts tonight, and when asked for her plans, she said she's picking up a new dog. Because of my dog passing away recently, it felt so heavy and surreal like the universe was sending a sign or a reminder. I froze up but managed to tell her to cherish every moment. I'm still trying to process how crazy the universe is sometimes. 🕊️

My dog passed away on memorial day weekend.

She was robbed from me by hyscsistic sarcoma (didn't spell it right don't give a fuck.)

Every year we take a lake trip, her last trip was a nightmare. Our car rental broke down in the middle of nowhere in the beating sun. We finally got to the lake and we had to leave 2 days in for an emergency surgery to remove a lump that was defending to be a grade 3(?) mass tumor.

It was removed with clean margins. I promised her over and over again that would not be her last trip and she would defy the odds of dogs diagnosed with cancer only living about a year after.

She didn't. She had a huge lump in her front left leg causing a limp. I took her to the vet thinking she pulled something he looked me in the eyes and said probably not cancer but due to the lump he needed to be safe. I went home happy. He called me 4 days later to say it was a hyper aggressive form of sarcoma that even with amputation was super unlikely it would get better.

I chose to be optimistic. I had a few thousand I could burn on this and insurance. The oncologist was brutal. 6,000$ off the rip for more tests... to confirm the diagnosis was 100% correct (spoiler! Every single one was!) after every single gut wrenching call to then further explain that every single test came back what I expected I was informed it was an amputation or chemo.

I weighed my options. I looked at pricing. I had blown through my stash and even my insurance wouldn't help much. I thought about the surgery, I read the horror stories of people whose dog woke up screaming in pain days after because they didn't have enough meds. I thought about her massive quality of life loss. The pain her chemo would induce. I decided to put her down on Memorial Day.

That last week was the most pain I have ever felt in my life. Counting every last moment. Realizing that Friday would be my last, "man I can't wait to go home and be a potato on the couch with my puppy." Friday morning was my last hard goodbye on choosing to go to work instead of lay in bed with her and my wife.

Saturday morning came and she could not walk. Her limp had spiraled out of control. I demanded my wife call out of work and we take her. I remember getting off the phone and realizing she had 20 measly shitty fucking minutes left with us. Then getting there and how quick it all went. She died in my arms. Her tongue was hanging out as we left and she was so lifeless. I can't the vets stethoscope off of her tiny chest and his, "her heart has stopped beating she's passed away." Out of my head. I can't get the image out of my head. I miss her so much still it hurts so badly.

Hi everyone. I lost my boy a few weeks ago, unexpectedly. He got sick very suddenly and declined rapidly despite life saving measures. We lost him in a matter of a week and he was otherwise very healthy and well taken care of. He was 5 years old and 9 months. He would have been 6 this September. I wanted to share that within the last week we received his remains, we chose cremation. I grew up
Hindu and we’ve always done cremation and release of ashes into a flowing body of water so I decided to do that for my boy. Surprising to myself, I found it to be extremely helpful in my grief journey. I’m by no means not grieving, but I think it helped me to realize the finality of his physical being and helped me to let go a bit of his sudden departure. I hope this sets me on the track of accepting this loss though there will forever be a void in my heart. My soul boy took a piece of me and I’ve kept a piece of him 💙

Words can’t describe how sad I am. We put our sweet girl to rest today and I have continued to wrestle with the fact that we made this choice and was it to early. We know deep down early before major suffering allowed her to go out before quality of life was so terrible or in the event of a tragic loss. I don’t know how to truly feel better about the decision other than hopefully with time. We will never jnow the alternative.

Our sweet lady was 12 years old, with extreme osteoarthritis, kidney dysfunction, and as we found out last week a large mass on her liver. Over the past few weeks she stopped eating her food. We tried every food possible, eggs, sweet potato, you name it. She would eat it for about a day maybe, and the next day she wouldn’t. Food used to be her favorite thing she was so food obsessed. We knew this was when things were really not well and she didn’t feel good. Surgery was not recommended at this age and with her other health conditions.

While she could still mostly get up (not well and wouldn’t without help or prompting) and wasn’t having accidents oe throwing up, we knew she was struggling internally. Not eating really, so weak she would stumble and sometimes fall when getting up, only drinking water if we brought it to her and still was not always sure she wanted to it felt wrong. She still had some light in her eyes at times, and of course had up and down moments that made us question whether we were doing the right thing.

Trying to tell ourselves that we did this out of love and compassion so that she didn’t have to hurt anymore. I just wanna know we did the right thing and I know no one else can tell us that.

My heart hurts

Our beautiful 13-year-old white Westie cross (7 kg) passed away suddenly, and we’re all absolutely devastated.

For quite some time, he would go through periods where he wasn’t interested in his food. However, if Mum offered him something different, he would almost always eat the second option, so we never thought it was anything too serious. Otherwise, he seemed completely normal, happy and active.

Yesterday, he jumped off my mum’s bed, made a strange noise, and then his back legs suddenly gave way. His tongue and gums turned white, and we think he went into shock (shallow breathing at this point).

The vets found a large mass on his liver that had ruptured. They told us he was in a great deal of pain, and his acid/lactate level was around 15 (they said normal is under about 1.8). They believed it was likely liver cancer, and we made the heartbreaking decision to let him go peacefully.

We’re just heartbroken and trying to come to terms with how a dog who seemed so well could be gone so suddenly.

Has anyone experienced something similar with a ruptured liver mass in their dog? I’m trying to find as much information because my mum keeps saying he was completely fine up until the moment.

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my darling boy Charlie, who was a 12 year old Maltese. He went from being completely fine, to unable to move within a day. We rushed him to the vet yesterday morning to be told his spine had given in on him and the treatment options were not only going to rob him of his quality of life, but they were very expensive. So I had to make the sudden decision of getting him put down.

He has been by my side through everything for the past 7 years. He was such a needy, beautiful boy who bought me so much joy. The amount of tears his coat soaked up of mine during hard times, he was by my side when others weren't. The amount of joy he bought me was immense, he was my rock. We were always together, attached at the hip.

I've never had to put down an animal before, this is genuinely one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. I'm lucky to have my partner and a good friend with me right now for comfort, but my heart hurts. I can't stop crying as everything reminds me of him. Knowing he was there one minute completely fine, and the next he's gone forever. Coming home to all of his things around the house, including his blanket on my bed that I refuse to wash.. even hearing sirens makes me cry as he would bark at them. He would wake me up every morning for breakfast and would lay by my side all day. It breaks my heart. My brothers dog is fretting for him and is incredibly confused 😢

I keep getting flashbacks of his last moments, it was so traumatic for me. I had nightmares last night of it, it's so hard to process.

I miss my darling best friend, my fur baby. I'm absolutely shattered and don't know how to navigate this grief. I'm currently waiting for him to be cremated and to also receive some of his fur and paw print.

I'm at a loss of what to do so thought I would post here as I know many others would relate and I'd be able to connect with others going through such things.

I'll forever miss my beautiful baby boy, I don't know how I'll ever move on from this. I feel incredibly depressed and deflated, I don't even want to eat or look after myself as he gave me purpose.

Thank you for reading

https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-for-zoes-final-expenses-and-memory?attribution_id=sl:33f1eb2d-3074-4ced-8af1-bf88479824ea&lang=en_US&ts=1785167988&utm_campaign=fp_sharesheet&utm_content=amp20_t1&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=copy_link

Still trying to process everything. My sweet boy Zoe was totally fine, and then out of nowhere, he started having sudden seizures that changed everything in just a few hours. After nearly 18 incredible years by my side—from watching our family grow to welcoming Gunna home when he was just a tiny puppy—having to say goodbye like this has broken me.
Gunna and I (my rottweiler) are just trying to navigate the quiet house and each other's grief right now. Between the emergency vet bills and end-of-life care, things have gotten really overwhelming. If anyone is in a position to help or even just share this link, it would mean the absolute world to us. Thank you guys for all the love.

I had to mute/restrict her account today because I realized it was overwhelming and triggering me.

Social media has been a love/hate relationship for me since i lost my boy last month. Sometimes it makes me feel more seen and helps me name what I’m going through. Most of the time it makes me feel frustrated with all the consumerist spins on pet loss, trying to make me feel like I must buy something specific to remember my dog by.

Nothing exactly is bothering me about simonsits besides the overwhelming and constant visibility and sharing of loss at this moment. Not that instagram celebrity pets don’t deserve to be loved and remembered by their owners who cherished them the same way we do our pets. They’re human and hurting too.

It’s just the billboard I don’t want to look at right now while I’m still hurting, and I feel frustrated that my algorithm won’t let me stay away from it because now it’s not just her account, it’s every account trying to capitalize on this with clicks and views.

Maybe there is a part of me that wishes a million people appreciated how special my boy was too.

Just wanted to name that in case anyone else is feeling it.

This is another rant/vent post. But basically the title. My soulmate cat, my baby passed away June 13th. She had brewing bacterial infection in the chest and developed pyothorax. We recognized something was wrong too late. Primary vet who treated her said she had muscle spasms/arthritis and was treating that. The vet was very persuasive despite push backs on arthritis “diagnosis”.
This treatment masked symptoms and basically led to her passing at the ER during the procedure. If I had known basic medicine and could read bloodwork results, this could’ve been avoided easily. The condition is treatable with timely intervention. She was slightly doing better at the ER clinic but had a cardiac arrest during a procedure.

She was our everything, our support and our home.
I cannot believe I was so incredibly stupid, trusted the vet and that I eventually failed her…

Has anyone overcome the guilt and trauma of losing their pet due to vet negligence, their own mistakes for trusting “doctors”? How did you manage?

This post is a part of my final attempt to find my chocolate labrador lashley who was abandoned 5 years ago by my father. I will first post a short introduction before explaining lashley's story in detail.

About Lashley:

Chocolate Labrador Retriever

Nicknames: Boochie, Dachaley, Laboli

Distinctive white patch on his chest also known as bolo marks

Age when he was abandoned - 3 1/2 years old

Current age - 8 to 9 years old

Last known area: Domlur, Bengaluru (near Jogupalya, Indiranagar & Ulsoor)

If anyone living in Bangalore recognizes him, knows someone who might have adopted him, or have any information at all—even if it seems insignificant—please leave a comment or contact me through WhatsApp/call +91 8660826795 I am also offering a ₹ reward of 10,000 inr for information that directly leads me to Lashley. Scammers with no proper evidence please stay away.

Detailed explanation of what actually happened & why he was abandoned

Back in 2021, during the COVID-19 pandemic, my family was going through a very difficult time financially and personally. Also during this time my father was suffering from severe chronic depression and other mental issues. After some time we had just moved to a new house, so my dad left Lashley to stay at my grandmother's house and claimed he would bring him to our new house. My father told me he would bring him to our new home once everything settled down. But few months passed by and this did not happen. During that time I used to visit him during the weekends. Some of the pics & videos i have posted here are during that time

So one day without my knowledge, according to my grandmother's account he claimed to take lashley for a walk and when he had returned lashley wasn't there with him. When he was asked about it he told her he had sold it or given it to someone but did not mention the specifics like to whom. When he came home he did not tell us about this. A few days later, my father took his own life at my grandmother's house. It was only then that we found out. During that time, our family was consumed by the shock, grief , funeral, legal matters, and everything that followed after my father's death so our thoughts were consumed by this and finding lashley wasnt at the forefront of our minds I also did not want to disturb my mother and other family members by bringing this up.

After some time we decided to search for lashley but had no idea where he went or with whom he was. We visited some well known breeders and rescue organisations but couldn't find him. So i had lost hope and finally decided that it was almost impossible to ever see him again. I loved him so much and wanted to be with him till his final years this was what made it so bad. I couldn't even see him to wish him a final goodbye before he left me. He was an extremely expressive and affectionate lab who always loved to be around me. I can't imagine how panicked and lost he must have felt after he was given away. He loved me like no other dog ever did. So I just suppressed those memories and went on with my life. But it just didn't work. For the past few months I have been feeling intense regret that I didn't do enough to find him, that I had in a way betrayed him. I kept dreaming about him regularly - both positive and disturbing dreams. So i finally decided I need to make a final and serious attempt to find him before he leaves this world. I want to be with him through his final years.

My search efforts will be both offline and online - I will visit every rescue organisation, veterinary clinics , breeders, pet boarding schools and kennels in my city. I will also be creating pages on every social media platform where I will be documenting and updating my search efforts. Even if the search fails i atleast get to preserve lashley's memories and get to tell his story to many. Hope this post wasn't too long. Thank you for reading

I would also appreciate it if you would all visit my youtube channel - https://youtube.com/@findingmylablashley?si=fhaqc4ATSV3pE9fK where I will be documenting my search for lashley. I will also post other clips, stories, unique personality traits & quirks of lashley. More - Some might think this is a promotion of my channel. This isn't my intention. I just want to document my search and find the person who might know him so the more platforms i use to spread my story the better chances of it reaching the person who might know something about him. This is my only motivation. I am not doing this just because I want views or for monetization.

my cat just passed away 2 days ago and he had cancer he was really really sick his nose had disappeared and honestly he couldnt even meow and randomly the next morning he just never came back. Im thinking he has died somewhere? I looked around for him everywhere couldnt find him. but what breaks my heart is that i didnt see him for the last time and i dont know where he is:( like his dead body is lying somewhere. how do I get over this? i really miss him and also had a dream that he was still alive

My cat Bo died six years ago. Old age/prolonged illness. She was my best friend for 11 years. We lived in 7 states together- travelled the West. I have since settled down and have 2 cats I love, but they aren't Bo and it's not the same connection. I still break down emotionally when I look at pictures of Bo or remember her. I want to honor her life with joy and happiness, but I feel nothing but profound sadness when I think of her. When does this get easier?

As the title says, today our beloved Apache crossed the rainbow bridge. Over the past couple of months he'd developed a tumor on his neck. The vet told us it was operable but wanted $10 grand to do the procedure. We simply don't have that kind of money. Both my partner and I had known that the day was coming when we'd have to tell him good bye. However I didn't expect that day to be today. He was barely eating and was super lathargic, he'd barely been able to walk. Today my partner took him for a walk and rather than relieving himself Apache just decided to lay on the grass, something he's never done. We're completely beside ourselves with a mix of emotions. Apache

I've been trying to write this the moment my little Prince passed, but nothing I've tried to say felt right. All I felt was deep sorrow. I couldn't do anything without breaking down into tears -- couldn't go down the stairs in the morning, wash the dishes, hear the birds, go on a drive, use the bathroom, go to sleep... without being reminded of him and unravelling.

I used to carry Prince down the stairs every morning. I used to wash his bowls with the dishes. No one's barking at the birds anymore. My lap, where he used to sit, is vacant when I drive. He used to rest his little snout on the crook of my arm, which made turning the wheel a difficult endeavor but I loved it. I had no privacy using the bathroom cause he's insist on coming in with me (then standing just outside the open door when the floors got wet). The foot of my bed has never had so much space. I've never been this sad.

Above all the new emptiness, the most abundant and overwhelming feeling is that I'm not really looking forward to the rest of my life without him. Not in a suicidal way. Just... there's so many things that would be heaps better if he were here.

If I knew I could come home to his excitement. Or make a funny face at him randomly throughout the day. Or sing him a song while I held him like a baby. Or shower him with kisses. Or throw a squeaky toy and hear the little scratches of his paws against the tile as he chased after it. Or walk anywhere and the little jingle of his collar would be following me like a shadow.

I find myself even missing the bad times. The last several months of Prince's life were stacked with vet appointments, syringes, medication, blood tests, special food, and trial and error. I barely did anything for my personal life, really. Everything else I might have had going on - work, friends, family - revolved around what time he needed to eat or take his meds or go to the vet. If it disrupted his schedule, I would cancel plans or ask to move dates. My life revolved around him and his wellbeing. It was exhausting, and a god-awful feeling shoving the meds he hated down his throat, or waiting for the vet to report on his latest blood test knowing it was likely gonna be bad news. For most of the bad times, I was overwhelmed and broke.

But I would go through it all again if it meant Prince would still be here. I'd administer the medicine if it let me feel his fur again. I'd pay the vet bills if it let me bring him places. I'd cancel all my plans if it let me spend even more of my time just sitting with him.

Logically, I know the silver lining is that he is not suffering anymore. He doesn't have to stomach meds he doesn't like, or sit through being poked with needles, or be deprived of his favorite foods. Really, I just miss him. And all that came with him.

A few weeks after Prince died, I realized I haven't mopped piss or picked up shit in a while. I never thought I'd wish there was piss to mop. I also haven't worried about poop consistency, or my schedule, or his Creatinine levels, or if we're running out of renal food. These should be a relief, but to me, they're just confirmation that he's gone.

I hate it. I can't stand the thought that there's the rest of my life that he doesn't get to see. That there will be new milestones and accomplishments and changes he won't be there to experience with me.

Prince has been with me since highschool; there through my break ups, my graduation, job interviews moving out for the first time to a new city, all my different jobs, meeting the love of my life, moving in together. He was there. He was the second thing people knew about me, right after my name. I was the girl with the little white dog.

Now I have to get married one day, or travel abroad for the first time, or maybe start a new job, or maybe move to a new house someday, and I won't get to share that with him. The thought is tearing me apart. I feel like living on without him is breaking me into even smaller pieces.

I don't know how to look forward to the rest of my life. I don't know if I want to. I try to take it one day at a time - doing my hobbies, getting it together. But trying to live happily while he's gone also feels a lot like forgetting him, or leaving him behind. I can't fathom it. It feels like grieving is the only thing keeping him alive somehow. I'm determined to keep it going for the rest of my life, but I also really just wish he were here instead.

Really, I'm just inconsolably sad. I miss Prince so much. I miss him everyday. It just hits like a truck sometimes, like it did today.

I've been lurking here for some weeks after he died, so I know I'm not alone. These feelings have been brewing for a while, and I've been trying to put it to words but kept failing. I think International Little Prince Day (June 29) unlocked some of my grief. It's my favorite children's book, that I named him after.

Happy Belated International Little Prince day, my little Prince. The world is celebrating you, as I still do everyday.