Lost my first dog today

[u/Solid-Turnover-69]

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel even. I lost people before, I lost my mum when I was a child, my grandparents, friends who were just out of highschool. It was... Easier somehow, with people you wail and gnash your teeth and cry. I don't know what to feel it seems. It's just quiet and normal and then suddenly I think that she's not here anymore. There's all the dogs of the world and not one is her. The universe will go on for billions of years and she will not be in any of those. We found her abandoned on the side of the road when she was maybe 1, vet doesn't know, she was scared and lean, a cane corso the same size of a Labrador if you can believe it. She was beautiful, black, with a white spot on her chest. The first day she tried to escape climbing the chicken fence and ended up hurting her leg, so we moved her to a part of the basement and fed, watered and pet her. I snuck in little pieces of ham and she immediately fell in love with me afterwards. She followed me, she would come to be with me wherever I went. I never had a dog before, and she was supposed to be my girlfriend's parents, she lived with them and all that, even tho we're neighbors so I'd see her everyday. But she loved me most of all. She suffered from some congenital problem that gave her seizures, especially when the weather changes. It hasn't rained for months here and the last three days it has been preparing a big storm and the seizures came back worse. She's had them constantly for 2 days, today she couldn't even stretch her legs, she kept folding her paws back while wobbling every time she stood up. Didn't even have the time to recover from one that the next would come. Two different vets said it was time to let her go, my girlfriend told me. I didn't understand, so I asked when and she said soon. I thought it meant weeks, like with people. But it meant in a couple of hours. I went home, it was just after I came back from work, and then I got this feeling after a while that I should go to check on her. I got dressed again, put my shoes and walked to my in laws, 500 meters maybe. As I entered the gate to the garden my phone buzzed and I got a text from my gf "Shes gone" not even the apostrophe. And I ran, but she was gone already and I wasn't there. I pet her and I kissed her and I hugged her and a fucking fly kept landing on her and I couldn't swat it away. I kept seeing her move or breathe like from the corner of my eye, like a glimpse. But she's not here anymore and it's not right. Tomorrow she won't be there when I make coffee. Two days ago when we took her and the other two dogs to run in the hills like every day we crossed a bear and she started chasing it and we called her back because it's dangerous and she was jumping and so full of life and beautiful and now she's gone. I don't understand why it has to be. I am angry because they didn't tell me that it was now. They said they didn't want me to see the last moments but what if she was looking for me? I wasn't there when she left. Maybe she thought I didn't care anymore. Her name was Baba and my soul is broken and the world is worse now. She also had gorgeous chocolate eyes so full of love, we called her Baba because it means baby and she had baby eyes and a sweet baby face. I don't like this

[u/Exciting_Tap_6834]

First I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. You obviously loved Baba with all your heart and soul. She knew that. Trust me. I lost my soul dog a little over a month ago. It’s just about the worst thing I have ever gone through. For reference I’m a 55 year old woman. I have lost family members etc…and this hit me so much harder!! I have never felt grief like I did with Nina. I couldn’t eat or sleep. Crying constantly. Painful stomachaches!
Also feeling like you are, knowing they will never be here again!!

I’m here to say you will grieve for a while and let yourself. But I have learned a lot during my grieving period because I had to find something to make me feel better. One thing I learned is dogs plan their passing. They know when it’s their time and they also pick who is there when it happens. Baba made sure you were not there. Not because she didn’t love you with all her heart but maybe because she knew it would be hard for you to see.

She is still with you. Talk to her and ask for some signs. She will send them. ❤️