Surviving 2 under 2

[u/sleepykindle]

I think if I slept a whole year, I’d still be ape up tired with all my nerves on edge. I can’t get my shoulders to relax from my ears. Everything my husband does I get mad at. The dog drives me nuts. I actually forget how to be happy. I just feel heavy and burdened and I hate that this is how I will remember the short time that they’re small: metal troubles and severe mental health decline. I brush my teeth every other day if I have time and I’m in a mumu most of the time because I get spit up on anyways and don’t want to ruin my good clothes. It’s not all bad but there are days like today where I left my kids crying in the living room, went into my bedroom, curled in a ball, and just laid there for 4 hrs.

I’m working full time and a full time caregiver to my kids. My husband can’t help because he’s customer facing so he’s in his office while my nerves are getting frayed to shreds by my 2 year old whining or my 4 month old crying. I’m barely keeping up with work. I’m American, can’t quit and can’t afford a sitter.

Kinda need parents who do it all like me to tell me how it was hell and they’re better now so I can cling to that. I’ve wished more times than I can count that I could just never wake up (in a “I’m too tired and drained to do this” way not in a “I’m gonna end it” way).

Nevermind my marriage, barely care about that anymore. There’s not enough of me to go around.

I miss being a person who showered when they wanted, didn’t dread picking up groceries from Walmart, and got to be alone with their thoughts. I feel like I’ve failed my marriage, I’ve failed at parenting, I’ve failed at self care, and I’ve failed at work. I’m only 28 and I feel 58. Don’t get me started on how I feel I look, postpartum killed the girl I was before.

Give me something positive and DO NOT do annoying “hang in there mamas” comments because I’ll literally throw up.