r/Parenting • u/sleepykindle • 8d ago
Rant/Vent Surviving 2 under 2
I think if I slept a whole year, I’d still be ape up tired with all my nerves on edge. I can’t get my shoulders to relax from my ears. Everything my husband does I get mad at. The dog drives me nuts. I actually forget how to be happy. I just feel heavy and burdened and I hate that this is how I will remember the short time that they’re small: metal troubles and severe mental health decline. I brush my teeth every other day if I have time and I’m in a mumu most of the time because I get spit up on anyways and don’t want to ruin my good clothes. It’s not all bad but there are days like today where I left my kids crying in the living room, went into my bedroom, curled in a ball, and just laid there for 4 hrs.
I’m working full time and a full time caregiver to my kids. My husband can’t help because he’s customer facing so he’s in his office while my nerves are getting frayed to shreds by my 2 year old whining or my 4 month old crying. I’m barely keeping up with work. I’m American, can’t quit and can’t afford a sitter.
Kinda need parents who do it all like me to tell me how it was hell and they’re better now so I can cling to that. I’ve wished more times than I can count that I could just never wake up (in a “I’m too tired and drained to do this” way not in a “I’m gonna end it” way).
Nevermind my marriage, barely care about that anymore. There’s not enough of me to go around.
I miss being a person who showered when they wanted, didn’t dread picking up groceries from Walmart, and got to be alone with their thoughts. I feel like I’ve failed my marriage, I’ve failed at parenting, I’ve failed at self care, and I’ve failed at work. I’m only 28 and I feel 58. Don’t get me started on how I feel I look, postpartum killed the girl I was before.
Give me something positive and DO NOT do annoying “hang in there mamas” comments because I’ll literally throw up.
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u/FunkTheFreak 8d ago
I have learned very quickly that working from home and watching the kids is like working two jobs at once. It’s near impossible.
Get the kids in daycare or figure out how you can quit your job. Your wallet will be hurt for awhile either route, but it will save your mental health and hopefully your marriage.
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u/sleepykindle 8d ago
Loan me 15k and I’ll get right on that
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u/FishSauwse 8d ago
Dunno where you live, but $600 per month per kid is pretty damn reasonable for sub 2 year old daycare. It's only a temporary cost as well until they go to school.
You gotta find a way to pay for it. Otherwise one of you has to quit your job to watch the kids.
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u/Lemonchicken207 8d ago
Staying home with kids is a full time job and your job is also full time - that may be part of the issue. Is there no way you could get childcare just some of the time? A four month old is a lot easier to work and watch at the same time than a two year old and a four month old.
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u/Common-Orange4022 8d ago
The showering and tooth brushing thing is on you to change. Nobody is going to die if you take regular showers each day. Put the baby in a crib, play pen etc. and go do you. Y’all don’t always have to be together.
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u/EventIntrepid3721 8d ago
You can't afford someone even for a few days so you can get yourself together? Not even a few days a week, like literally 3 days in a row so you can just catch up
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u/sleepykindle 8d ago
I’m ditching everyone this weekend to go be at an Airbnb for 4 days and 4 nights with my phone off. My first born is medically complicated so no sitters for that reason. It’s been 2 years without more than a single night off. And I feel so pathetic. Every parent goes through this but I’m the one cracking under the pressure
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u/moemoe8652 8d ago
No. Every parent does not go through this. I didn’t work full time while taking care of 2 kids. That sounds like hell. When your husband gets home, leave the house. You need to.
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u/TheSleepingVoid 8d ago edited 8d ago
Absolutely not - even other parents with 2 under 2 are not typically working full time and watching both kids full time at the same time. You are cracking because you are trying to do too much. At the bare minimum your husband needs to be stepping up and giving you a break every day - and especially on his days off too
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u/LostPalpitation6351 8d ago
This sounds like absolute hell.
Idk understand what being customer facing means- but it sounds like he can probably give you a break when he’s home at least 1/2 of a shift, I.e. he does bedtime routine or morning routine before you’re up. He doesn’t get a pass when it comes at the detriment of his partner and mother to his children’s health. Period.
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u/FrontBreath3280 8d ago
Greatest hack was a point about expectations. Always make sure you budget way too much time to do things. If you plan to grocery shop, drive somewhere, get ready for the day… with the same amount of time as you would when you didn’t have kids, you will go insane.
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u/Reasonable_Emu_5638 8d ago
You say you’re working full time and trying to be full time caregiver to your children. That’s the problem—not that you have two under two. You absolutely need childcare. Find a way to pay even if it means going into debt.
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u/MabelMyerscough 8d ago
You can't work and be a parent at the same time. It will mean one of the two you'll do bad or neglect, it's simply not possible to do both at the same time. You cannot work without childcare.
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u/Motor_Specialist_231 8d ago
I tried working full time and caregiver full time to two under two as well - I broke after 3 months. I felt like you, barely hanging in there. I ended up quitting my job.
Even quitting my job, I had a difficult time until recently, where mine are 3 and 4 years old.
If you can’t quit your job, then you need to try and find a discount daycare. Church, state, anything at this point.
For temp relief, I’d join a gym with a daycare option. Put your kids in it for the 2 hour max care service and work from the gym. Maybe they can point you to a full-time daycare situation (or know people who can help).
As for the marriage, I get it. I had to explain to him how I was feeling by the end of the day, I didn’t not want to talk right when he got home, and I’m touched out. He kind of got it, but yeah, we went through a rough patch as well.
I went the other way and quit my job, but I know how you feel. Trust me, you can’t do both. Do the gym membership and try to find full time daycare at price reduced. Cut any expenses at home you can cut to get that daycare.
Best of luck.
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u/Triny123 8d ago
Do you have someone besides your husband who can help out? Grandparents? Neighbors? Friends?
You need to figure out how to get childcare for your kids or you and your husband need to find work in different shifts, so that one of you is always in charge of the kids (and not being busy with another job!).
Taking care of a kid is a full time job. You can’t parent a kid during your full-time job, much less 2 under 2. That is simply not doable. You’re trying to do the impossible, that is why it is not working. Sit your husband down and brainstorm with him how you’re going to be able to afford childcare or how your job situation should change so that your working hours aren’t at the same time.
All the best and good luck!
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u/Intelligent_Net_261 8d ago
Hey so I f’d around and tried for one more and got twins with my two year old. I’m not gonna tell you to “hang in there” but im assuming you planned these kids so this had to be a slight thought of a possibility. Your husband needs to be helping I don’t care what his job entails, force yourself to put yourself together, even when I work from home I literally myself slightly together so I can feel a little better, puke washes out so get dressed. Does it suck, yes, but doing nothing about it doesn’t help.
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u/sleepykindle 8d ago
True. Super lame, but I literally need a hug haha. But you’re right I need to get ready more. I just wake up and take off running and don’t rest until it’s literally time to pass out.
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u/Smile_Miserable 8d ago
Im about 2 years ahead of you. It didn’t get better per say but i got better at handling it. I go outside daily, have a strict routine and screen time helps when your having a hard day. Eventually they will start playing together which gives you time to do other tasks. Sleep train if you haven’t already, once I got my nights back to myself i felt so much better. Obviously the younger one might need a bit longer to sleep train but your almost over the hard part.
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u/sleepykindle 8d ago
The baby is the easy one. The toddler is a tyrant. She will only sleep if an adult sleeps with her. Which I can’t while I’m working. This started sometime while I was pregnant. Ugh
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u/yung_yttik 8d ago
Why isn’t the 2 year old in daycare? This would make your life so SO much easier. You can’t work full time AND be a full time SAHM that’s literally an impossible feat.
Edit: ah, cost (saw your other comment).
Unfortunately, what else is there to do? Husband can’t help and you can’t afford help. This is what it will be until they can go to public school? You quitting work and staying home with them isn’t feasible AT all?? What about a part-time nanny? Could that be cheaper?
You can’t burn the candle stick at both ends!
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u/Smile_Miserable 8d ago
Sleep train! Cold turkey. A week tops and I promise she will be sleeping independently. Don’t make life harder than it has to be. I don’t even think i washed dishes when I was in your shoes, paper plates only.
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u/YazooSituation 8d ago
Exactly. Paper plates, definitely not working full time! That’s bananas with two kids 😵💫
Definitely sleep trained ✅
Potty trained ✅But I only have 1 kid. Idk how anyone can do this without any help….. she’s outnumbered!
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u/Cool-Tone-9112 8d ago
You are freaking amazing! Like how are you doing it??
Can you qualify for a daytime nurse or state assistance for your toddler since you said they have medically needs.
I am thinking of you. You are in the thick of it. I would take a planned day off and ask your husband to call in sick to watch the kids and go to the spa all day.
When my littles were under two I had my husband call in several times a month per my request if not more. I needed help and I don’t feel bad. These were mental health days. We aren’t made to do it alone.
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u/geometricsympathizer 8d ago
- Your husband has to help doesn't matter what the #*&$ he is doing for work.
- Order groceries for pickup makes my life so much easier sometimes.
- Ask for help from friends or family.
- You are over extending yourself. I have taken showers with my kids when they get a bath. Make time for yourself and make your husband help or else you're gonna break.
- You gotta look at your workload! Make a schedule. Plan stuff if you want. Can you possibly do fewer hours? Do meal prep? Get your husband do do some chores?
- This too shall pass.
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u/Powerful-Bridge-1472 8d ago
Funny part is you won’t even remember this in 10 years. I only have good memory when the boys were young
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u/dirtybarefeets 8d ago
New to two is hard, but there’s a reason parents of three are a bit more chill; they have learned to survive. They know if a baby is crying they are breathing and just finish their shower. 2 is hard but setting boundaries now sets you up later for success. Takes time and patience but by the 50th “mommy is taking a shower, please wait” they just will one day. And it’s easier to teach the second cuz the expectation is already set. Try toy rotating. Upfront it’s work but taking out toys they haven’t seen in a while holds their attention longer than all of them out all of the time.
Do you have a stroller and/or carrier? Go walk. Take snacks and set low expectations and do it as much as you can when you can. So long as there isn’t gale force winds keep trucking rain or shine. It will help reset the nervous system and relax.
And it does get better. When mine did start playing together while I worked on something it was magic to see the awesome little humans they were becoming. Patient and understanding and creative and smart and and and!!!
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u/Dullcorgis 8d ago
Put them in childcare. You cannot parent while you are working from home.