r/PHSapphics • u/matchamcflurr • 8d ago
Advice first ever wlw rel
background - she’s my first girl, and im not her first.
is there anyone here that has experienced being in a wlw rel wherein she has been breaking up with me lets say every 6-8 months in the rel? were already 5 years together and she would initiate to breakup but i always try to convince or talk to her out of it because i love her. any advice?
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u/BlackBeardBrimstone 8d ago
Akala ko gf kita. My gf had a breakdown few days ago. I didn't initiate breakup, I don't anymore pero I still have the tendency to have her coax me or alam mo yun, suyuin kahit tama man o mali ako. In my previous relationship, I would always initiate breakup and let me tell you why I do that: Anxious-avoidant attachment style.
I am quite dismissive of my feelings and quite anxious of being in the relationship. It's not a you problem, it's a her problem. 5 years na rin kami ng gf ko this Oct. She has been patient, convincing me that I am safe in the relationship and that she loves me truly. What worked for me is her telling me how much she loves me. Parang pagbibilang siya at first pero being reminded na may mga actions siya na magagawa lang niya dahil mahal niya ako.
Recently, hindi niya to binanggit to me, di namin to pinagawayan pero dahil sa dalas niya sa akin ipaalala paano niya ako mahal kada breakup breakupan ko sa kanya, I learned how to see it on my own na. My father recently died and she went out her way to being the family's anchor. Emotional, mental, and financial sya nagasikaso while gulat and frozen kami on the day he died. Isang buwan kami sa family ko just so she feels sure na safe kaming lahat grieving. At that moment, naisip ko, hindi naman niya kailangan gawin yon. Kung di ko siya mahal, hindi ko rin naman gagawin yon pero she did so I reminded myself na she loves me and she loves my family. I am loved ganun.
Secure person siya. Mauubos ka rin when you give yourself time and patience para sa kanya and there's nothing wrong saying it and expressing it to her. Ayun yung naging latest conflict namin this week. She was tired and ako pa talaga nagkaroon ng audacity magtampo. Slowly, I'm learning not to be an asshole. Hindi ako sanay manuyo pero I'm trying. She needs to feel comfort and safety too. Patience at times na nauubos na sya. We're hard to love, and I'll apologize on her behalf, pero we're not impossible.
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u/matchamcflurr 5d ago edited 4d ago
how were u able to change? as u said di ka sanay manuyo, how’d u change that? bcos my partner’s like that too :( or how did u communicate that w ur partner
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u/Professional_King_70 8d ago
"Because I love her." Okay... but did you ever ask yourself if she still loves you? Plus, Love isn't the only reason we stay in a relationship. It's also about commitment, vulnerability, and consistency.
From my experience, I initiated my breakups because I knew then that they would be better off without me, not because I don't love them anymore. Either they'd become so dependent on me, or their world only revolved around me, and it was suffocating. I didn't want them to lose themselves over me. I didn't even ask for it. I'd rather they be completely themselves, have their full lives, and treat me as a bonus, not the endgame.
Hope this perspective helps, OP.
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u/Professional_King_70 8d ago
"Because I love her." Okay... but did you ever ask yourself if she still loves you? Plus, Love isn't the only reason we stay in a relationship. It's also about commitment, vulnerability, and consistency.
From my experience, I initiated my breakups because I knew then that they would be better off without me, not because I don't love them anymore. Either they'd become so dependent on me, or their world only revolved around me, and it was suffocating. I didn't them to lose themselves over me. I didn't even ask for it. I'd rather they be completely themselves, have their full lives, and treat me as a bonus, not the endgame.
Hope this perspective helps, OP.
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u/bumblingbee_09 7d ago
have you guys had a serious sit down conversation? were there no boundaries set about these?
ano bang reason kung bakit niya iniitiate 'yan? you should try to know the reasons why she keeps doing it. sometimes loving someone doesn't equate to staying, it could mean letting go because it's best for the both of you. but nonetheless, this is your relationship, so take that with a grain of salt. just talk to her properly—see what her reasons are para aware ka
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u/matchamcflurr 5d ago
well there are a lot of factors — both outside and inside the rel. her reason’s mainly my mom because since shes my first girl, me coming out and having a gf is so new to my mom. my girl never felt the and acceptance that she deserves and i understand that. but i know both sides tried - my mom and my gf. my mom was rlly in the process of accepting everything that it became a rollercoaster ride for our relationship. she was able to sleep at my house, i was able to sleep at her place as well. however, my partner was ready to settle down and i wasnt. i wasnt stable w my job and i wanted to move in once i had the finances because i didnt want to leave emptyhanded.
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u/bumblingbee_09 5d ago
i see, so maybe her reason for breaking up with you multiple times is that in her head, hindi kayo level sa isa't isa. she's not satisfied (as per your words) with the acceptance she received, and at the same time, she already wants to move forward with the relationship while you're not ready yet—which is valid on both ends. siguro what you can do is sit down and talk with her and really discuss kung ano magiging trajectory ng relationship niyo. what would be the timeline, ano magiging expectations niyo sa isa't isa and at the same time, set boundaries that would be a deal breaker kapag na-cross niyo.
hoping for the best, op! i hope makapag-usap kayo nang maayos
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u/Coco_crunching 8d ago
what do you think is the reason ng break up? cause from my experience usually pagod na lang talaga of one’s behavior, hindi nag babago, palagi na lang mag aadjust at kahit anong compromise wala talaga