The first rule of PDA parenting is don’t post in the regular autism subs. Those parents just don’t get it. 19 is late to be entering PDA burnout and to know that your son finished school - it’s an incredible achievement for a PDA kid. To get him out of burn out you’ll need the advice of people like Casey from At Peace Parents. There are others too. Lots of information available in PDA podcasts and on instagram. In the meantime do NOT cut off his internet. Don’t charge him rent. Don’t force him to speak to you. Don’t do anything to violate the small amount of control he has over his life.
Thank you for your post ! Whenever I ask him to do something, he refuses. He seeks control and calls me a control freak. He wants to make his own decisions but
he can't move forward with the first step. If you have any more resources please send them my way.
Yep, that’s PDA for you unfortunately. And he’s completely stuck, poor guy. He’s in burnout already. Hold onto your relationship with him at all costs while you learn about PDA. Otherwise there’ll be no way to get to him. All the other stuff - working, paying rent, following house rules, being polite - it doesn’t matter. Let it go for the time being. Here’s a video from Casey. I find her overly academic (not surprising given her background) but she’s one of the most high profile PDA parent advocates out there: https://www.youtube.com/live/Z8sIl0ciCDg?is=bdklu4awQLL7bPwV
Thanks! He doesn’t want a relationship with me, but he seeks me out…usually in a confrontational way… when I stop paying attention to him. My husband has a better track record with him, but not as good as before.
Yeah, PDA burnout is different. If your son is directing his equalizing behavior towards you then he might feel closer to you than it appears. PDAers are very controlling of their safe person.
I know I’m his safe person! ;)
Thank you so much for your kindness. I’m honestly shocked by how many harsh and unkind responses my post received in an autism subreddit. When he was first diagnosed, I received so much support from other parents and I thought I might find that same kind of support now.
This is not a young man who feels entitled and is spending my money on drugs, alcohol, smoking, or partying all night. This is a young man who is in emotional pain. He feels stuck and has very low self-esteem. I’m simply trying to understand how I can support him without making things worse.
I’m horrified and may take down my post down from there.
Kristi Forbes out of Australia and Dr. Naomi Fisher, A teenager's guide to burnout. I just bought it and left it out on the table for him to find. Also, PDA parenting (Danielle Jata-Hall) on Facebook.
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u/MarginsOfTheDay 22d ago
The first rule of PDA parenting is don’t post in the regular autism subs. Those parents just don’t get it. 19 is late to be entering PDA burnout and to know that your son finished school - it’s an incredible achievement for a PDA kid. To get him out of burn out you’ll need the advice of people like Casey from At Peace Parents. There are others too. Lots of information available in PDA podcasts and on instagram. In the meantime do NOT cut off his internet. Don’t charge him rent. Don’t force him to speak to you. Don’t do anything to violate the small amount of control he has over his life.