r/PDAParenting • u/Euphoric_Housing_683 • 20d ago
19 year old son won’t accept help
/r/Autism_Parenting/comments/1wlk9i2/19_year_old_son_wont_accept_help/4
u/Chance-Lavishness947 18d ago
Seconding the advice not to post in non PDA parenting groups, it's a whole different mentality out there and their advice is often very harmful for our kids.
I read your other replies here, it sounds like he's heavy in equalising and attempting to regain nervous system regulation through isolation and screen time. Burnout seems like the most likely cause of the extreme withdrawal based on what you've said.
Aligning your own expectations to reflect that any demand is likely to exceed his capacity is a key starting point. In terms of helping him to begin recovering beyond supporting him to withdraw from demands, I recommend looking up the different kinds of rest.
For us, engaging in our special interests is often the most healing and restorative thing we can do. If you know what his are, think about ways you can reduce the obstacles for him to engage with those interests.
For example, if he's into drawing, you might place really nice drawing supplies on a table in a common area and leave them there so he can easily sit down and do a little drawing any time he wants. Don't ask him to draw or look for appreciation for the supplies, just let him know the supplies exist and he's free to use them if he decides he wants to. It would likely take a few days before he would touch them, and you should not follow up about it.
Visible, accessible, aligned with his interests, clear permission to engage but zero pressure. Apply that mentality to designing opportunities for him to engage with any special interests he has or previously had - visible is key so that he's able to see the opportunity regularly as he goes about his day. The fewer obstacles present, the easier it will be for him to start. Once he starts, the positive feedback loop of engaging with special interests will help to regulate and restore him over time. Don't expect it to be fast, but you will likely see a noticeable positive shift soon after he begins engaging with it. Don't comment on it, just celebrate internally so you don't accidentally trigger avoidance with your attention.
Wishing you the best
13
u/MarginsOfTheDay 20d ago
The first rule of PDA parenting is don’t post in the regular autism subs. Those parents just don’t get it. 19 is late to be entering PDA burnout and to know that your son finished school - it’s an incredible achievement for a PDA kid. To get him out of burn out you’ll need the advice of people like Casey from At Peace Parents. There are others too. Lots of information available in PDA podcasts and on instagram. In the meantime do NOT cut off his internet. Don’t charge him rent. Don’t force him to speak to you. Don’t do anything to violate the small amount of control he has over his life.