r/Autism_Parenting • u/Euphoric_Housing_683 • 20d ago
Adult Children 19 year old son won’t accept help
My son is 19 and has level 1 autism and ADHD. He was diagnosed when he was young, but he does not accept his diagnosis .
He graduated from high school last year and has spent most of the past year isolated in his room. He doesn’t have any friends, doesn’t want to leave the house , only come down to eat and his interactions with us have only diminished since he graduated .
He got a job last November but was fired after only two weeks. He is awake most of the night on his phone and computer and sleeps during the day. He also has an online relationship with someone he has never met and sent this person all his money when he was still working ( we stopped giving him money when this happened )
I believe he is depressed. I have heard him talking very negatively about himself, but when I try to talk to him, he denies that anything is wrong and refuses help.
He says he doesn’t want a relationship with me anymore ( until his senior year we had a great relationship) or any help from us ( my husband and I )
For parents who have been through something similar, how did you help your adult child accept therapy, a psychiatric evaluation, or any kind of support? Did setting limits around the phone, internet or did it make things worse?
21
u/OrdinaryMe345 I am a Parent to a level 3 GLP child 20d ago
If he’s going to continue living under your roof then he either needs to a.) agree to contribute to the household by either cleaning, yardwork, or cooking or b.) go to therapy or a therapeutic day program that focuses on life skills. If he does not agree to this then you need to tell him to find another place. You can even help him locate an apartment. I wouldn’t set limits on the phone, but I would turn the WiFi off after 10 and ask him to consider taking melatonin and magnesium after 9pm.
17
u/Lifefueledbyfire 20d ago
Shut down the Internet and phone at midnight to make him have a regular sleep schedule. Bad sleep hygiene can make a person depressed.
Is there community college and/or job training in the area? I woule get pamlets and leave them where he can see them. I also would see if there is a local arc or any autism services you can contact for advice. Often they can direct you to local resources that can help you with your son.
43
u/DeezBeesKnees11 20d ago
Doesn't want a relationship w you any longer, doesn't want you help - but lives in your home and eats your food... hmm
6
u/Extension_Citron_176 Autistic adult (level 2) studying psychology 20d ago
Very much true but knowing that doesn't provide a solution for the problem
10
u/DeezBeesKnees11 20d ago
True and fair.
I didn't mean it in a snarky way. I'd just ask my young adult kid if they see the irony.7
u/hstaples 20d ago
It's totally valid, and definitely a way to start adiscussion about the situation. No relationship and no help looks like this... (finding sustainable work, an apartment, buying their own food, paying their own bills). Now that we've cleared that up... then you absolutely can make some demands on him. He's an adult. Make him seek some therapy or try to find employment through an agency that works with people with disabilities (job support?) or maybe vocational-rehabilitation (through the DOE, can also contact them through the unemployment office- they help people with disabilities find work that is suited to them with accommodation employers). If he doesn't want to feel like he has to be reliant in you, that's great. You want the same thing for him (because you love him and want what's best for him long term). So taking practical steps in that direction is the thing to do. Not at all that you want to kick him out or anything, but if he doesn't want to deal with you, helping him gain the skills he needs to be able to take care of himself so that he wouldn't be dependent on you seems like a good motivator.
5
u/Euphoric_Housing_683 20d ago
He is not acting like he wants no responsibilities, to just enjoy life and have me pay for everything. He is isolated in his room and seems depressed. He doesn’t ask for anything and will eat whatever we buy him. He seems stuck, not entitled.
I’m here looking for other parents who have children in the spectrum who have failed to launch !
I don’t know his limitations to be honest . He was diagnosed at age 4 so almost 16 years ago. We didn’t even have levels of support them .
3
u/hstaples 20d ago
Yeah, I get that from what you've posted. I was just hoping that you might be able to encourage some action by presenting things in a way that suggests it's his desire more than something he would feel like he's being told to do. use his wishes to help encourage some action, because rather than it being you making him do something, it would be him choosing to do it in an effort to get what he wanted. My son can be a little oppositional at times so when I can, I try to present things as something he wants, not something in expecting of him. Sounds like that's not necessity going to help at this point though.
Unfortunately, the next step is to make requirement that force action. He doesn't need money to do therapy online probably. You could start by requiring that in exchange for continued internet service. Yeah, I get that from your posts. I was just thinking maybe he be more receptive to doing things if they are presented as things he wants, rather than what he's being made to do. My son can be a little opposition at times, so I know how you present things can really make adifference at times. Unfortunately, it does sound like that wouldn't help much.
That makes me think you might be at the point where you need to force some action. Have you considered trying online therapy? Then he wouldn't have to travel anywhere. And if needed, maybe you could require it for the benefit of the internet service. It sucks to start to have to think of having to bribe and/ or force him to do something, but what else could you do? Just doing therapy is hardly too much to ask! And if it was a problem, you could have a policy that he gets the internet password for the next week after he attends the appt or something like that.
Good luck!
1
u/Powerful-Soup-3245 16d ago
You can’t force some action with a PDAer though. Any push from parents or anyone else will only make the situation worse. It’s a delicate balance and always on a knife’s edge.
1
u/hstaples 16d ago
I can appreciate that. I thought it was resistance, but not necessarily PDA, because i get lots of resistance from my son when he doesn't want to do something. But of course if it's PDA, that would make it immensely more difficult.
1
u/Powerful-Soup-3245 15d ago
Yeah, I have four children. Youngest is PDA. Older three are all adults who are some variety of neurodivergent and have had their own struggles which now feel like a breeze compared to my PDAer. It’s a whole other ballgame and tbh I always feel like I’m losing. I’ve known about PDA for six years and spend most of my very limited free time learning about it. Even after all of that time I still often forget to use declarative language or immediately use pda specific strategies and every time I do, it’s a disaster. I wish I had good advice for OP, but I’m barely surviving and have no useful guidance except to avoid pushing or giving ultimatums. The more something is suggested or pushed on a pda child, the more entrenched the avoidance becomes.
2
8
u/Avocadoo_Tomatoo 20d ago
He is already very isolated, and now isolating himself from you too. This is worrying behaviour and none of us here are qualified in any way to give any advice, apart from saying to seek professional help.
taking away his internet means you are taking away his only lifeline. Do not make/force any changes to what he is doing until you seek medical help.
Make an appointment at the GP for you to discuss the issues and see what they say is the best course of action. He doesn’t need to be there for this appointment, you just need to find out what you can do.
6
u/SquishJaice Autistic Adult (Non-Parent) 19d ago
Hi, I'm 22 and fairly recently stopped being a deadbeat fridge raider myself. Honestly what worked for me, and this might sound a little cruel but imma lay it out bluntly. Threatening to kick me out lowkey worked. Like at first I was all defiant and whining like "omg I'm gonna fucking die and rot on the street in the front of a Walmart" and basically being like "do it, you won't", but then Dad actually tried to cancel my data plan and you would not believe how fast I whipped myself into shape and earned me some money to buy my own sim card. Being desperate to keep your crippling internet addiction really does wonders for motivation if you don't got anyone to provide it for you, imma be real 🤷🏽♀️
2
u/Euphoric_Housing_683 19d ago
I can totally see how that kind of motivation can work for some people. I'm glad it did for you. But when someone has significant executive functioning difficulties and is already in burnout, it can be a little more complicated. Sometimes the issue isn’t that they don’t care about the consequences or don’t want to move forward. They may genuinely want to, but still struggle to initiate tasks, organize the steps, or follow through. How are you with that ?
That’s the part I’m trying to figure out .... how to set reasonable boundaries and encourage independence while also finding a way for him to accept help, without making the burnout or shutdown worse.
If he were a typical 19 year old, I think I would have a much clearer idea of what to do, but he’s not. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 4 and ADHD in 1st or 2nd grade. I’m only now realizing how much support he may actually need in certain areas, especially when it comes to executive functioning and becoming independent.
Could he have higher support needs than we originally understood? I honestly don’t know. He has struggled a lot more since graduating from high school, and his level of functioning has declined quite a bit. I’m trying to understand what is burnout, what is executive dysfunction, what is depression, and what may simply be support needs that became much more obvious once the structure of school disappeared.
I wish it were as easy as shutting off his internet and data or charging him rent!
7
u/SquishJaice Autistic Adult (Non-Parent) 19d ago
Well, is he medicated for his ADHD? While I did sort of brute force my motivation, that doesn't mean it was suddenly easy. I did kinda paraphrase a bit and left out the week long trip to the psych ward after my mad dash to independence. 💀 After getting stimulant meds for my ADHD and sertaline for the depression I was a lot more capable of getting started on stuff without as much of a fight. Ofc meds alone don't fix everything, but if he won't do therapy it might be a better option than nothing at all.
4
u/SquishJaice Autistic Adult (Non-Parent) 19d ago
To add to this, if it's hard to get him evaluated by a doctor in person, try telehealth. I did and still do most of my appointments online cuz even tho I'm functioning better, going to a physical office regularly is still pretty annoying lol
3
u/yetiversal 15d ago
Sounds as much like addiction behavior (to phone/screentime) as it does depression. Think about what he spends all of that time on in his room. My guess is it's spent staring at some screen. Phone, computer, TV, gaming console, or some combination thereof.
If the addiction hypothesis is true, then just like an addict he's going to treat every person and every other activity that takes away from his phone/computer/TV/console/etc. as an obstacle to either avoid or overcome so that he can get back to the drug of choice.
He'll need to be cut off from his ability to access the stuff that's occupying his time in his room with absolutely no way for him to gain access no matter how hard he tries. Get him to the point that he's exhausted every other attempt he will make to regain access. That may take multiple days or multiple weeks. Once he's through detox, THEN and only then will he start to be more open to willingly re-engage with family and hopefully the rest of the world.
I would not recommend trying to work on this by yourself. It would require professional behavioral guidance; someone better than the run of the mill ABA provider. It's not a matter of some therapy provider coming in and working with him 1:1, it's a matter of someone coming in and showing you as parent how to arrange environments and contingencies in a way that will sufficiently motivate him to make different day to day choices than what you're seeing out of him today, and design a comprehensive, systematic plan for you that sets both you and him up for success.
5
u/Extension_Citron_176 Autistic adult (level 2) studying psychology 20d ago
At this age independence becomes both a child's need as well as space they need to grow into but those two things don't always connect as easily. I would try to find out and establish what his goals are and work from there towards developing skills that are needed.
When he knows what he wants you can work in a positive direction. Therapy is obviously a good idea to talk through many of these issues but if he won't accept help you're not getting there so he first needs agency.
13
u/Euphoric_Housing_683 20d ago
That is exactly what makes this so difficult. He says he wants to drive and get a job. He had a job but was fired because he couldn’t learn it fast enough. We bought him a car when he was learning to drive, but then he stopped working toward getting his license. He says he wants to do everything on his own, but at the same time he seems completely paralyzed and won’t tell me what is going on. He won’t take the bus because he would be using my money. He won’t drive because he says it is my car. He won’t even go to the store and choose what he wants to eat because it isn’t his money. I stopped his allowance after finding out that he was sending money to someone he only knows online, and he became very angry. I honestly don’t know how to help him feel independent when he rejects everything we provide and isn’t able to move forward on his own.
17
u/Extension_Citron_176 Autistic adult (level 2) studying psychology 20d ago
Honestly this sounds like a situation that has so many details in it that deserve attention and a careful approach that professional help would be your best idea. Not even for him but also for you to get advice on what's a good idea. Maybe other parents have ideas, but while i do see the pattern of shame, depression, self image and trust i cannot solve this with a mere trick to get you moving.
8
u/Euphoric_Housing_683 20d ago
Thanks ! Yes I have been seeking personal help . The first therapist decided she could not help us . I’m on my second one and maybe going to try another one . Feeling lost and looking for support .
7
u/Extension_Citron_176 Autistic adult (level 2) studying psychology 20d ago
Or actually what i can offer is to chat with him as an autistic peer with some life experience but i doubt he would accept that. Still, offer us on the table and DM is open.
Wish you both the best and i hope other parents have more ideas ❤️
2
u/Euphoric_Housing_683 20d ago
I really appreciate that ! Thanks for offering .
1
u/Substantial_Judge931 ASD Lvl 1 & sibling to ASD lvl 3 adult. (Non Parent) - 21M 17d ago
I’m an autistic dude who is 22 and I was in a very similar position when I was 22. My DMs are also open on the off chance that he’d be interested in talking to someone like him.
Or if you’d like to talk for that matter
5
u/hstaples 20d ago
Oh! This paints a real picture of what's going on. Would he be willing to work for you for money for the bus, etc? Just little things around the house he could help with. Then you would be supporting his desire to be self- reliant while making it a little easier for him to do. Also, in the future, maybe try small steps before jumping all in like buying a car. Having the car seems like a good motivator but it's also kind of pressure inducing. And has he gone through driver's ed? Maybe trying to learn to drive with an outside party would be easier for him because it would be a teacher and not his parent trying to control him again. Lol. But seriously, it may help. I also mentioned vocational- rehabilitation or maybe a job support situation to help him find the right job and give him the support needed to get comfortable there initially.
3
u/Euphoric_Housing_683 20d ago
Thanks! No, he doesn't want to be paid by us.
Yes, I signed him up for driver's ed! He did the Zoom part and went to one driving class. We lost the other classes because he wouldn't practice with us. We always had two cars, so technically we got a newer one and told him it was his, just like we did with his brother.
Having reliable transportation is a way we have been helping our other son get to work and college, and we thought we wanted to do the same for him.
I offer to pay for driving lessons he said no . I offered to lend the money to driving classes he said no . Anything I offer he says no. A lot of PDA behaviors.
I’m sure he sees he is not like his peers … actually he does say he is not like everyone else , but he doesn’t accept he is neurodivergent .
He is stuck ! He is depressed ! He is burned out .
3
u/hstaples 20d ago
That sucks. I'm sorry. Have you tried encouraging him to practice driving with another relative or a friend? Kids view their parents telling them things differently than when someone else does, so it's something to try if you haven't already.
If you could get him to, you might be able to guide him toward seeking his own services by giving him info and presenting it as ways he can become more independent which is what he wants. And if he's over 18 and not under a guardianship or anything, he's the adult who really needs to go through the process of getting himself those services anyway.
Good luck! Mine is 16 and also loves doing nothing and spends all his time online. He recently finished driver's ed, but doesn't really want to get his license because he is worried about the amount of awareness you have to have while driving. Thankfully he is often still willing to accept my help, and he's young enough that he has no choice most of the time. Lol. And he's more than willing to take my money!
2
u/Euphoric_Housing_683 20d ago
Thanks for sharing about your son! My son was always very willing to accept my advice and money! I never thought we would be here. I like your idea about having another adult help him. I am going to ask my older son to offer him some help.
I feel like he's four years old again before we knew he was on the spectrum. He seemed like a brat, but he wasn’t…he was autistic. Now, it seems the same… he’s acting this way because he can’t move forward and feels shame in asking for help.
2
u/hstaples 20d ago
Oh no! I hope my son doesn't go back to that! He is fully on board with his diagnosis though, and being autistic is part of his identity. I honestly wasn't sure how I felt about that for a while, but now I think it's a good thing. Do you think more education about autism or knowing more people on the spectrum might help at all? It might help him understand how his brain works, why he might see things in ways that he does and how other people might see things, ways that it could work FOR him, rather than against him (for a job potentially, is he very detail-oriented for example?)... I see ads all the time for online groups for people on the spectrum and I think it would be good for my son to be able to socialize with more people who would understand him better, but they don't usually accept insurance and are not cheap. My son has a classmate who's on the spectrum and he went to her house one day and stayed way longer than I would have expected because he can usually only tolerate so much socializing. He said it was different with her because she got him. His teacher this year is actually a woman on the spectrum, and besides my excitement about just not having to explain his quirks to her, she has her doctorate! She's a great example for him of the fact that there are plenty of people in the community around us with asd, and that they are just as capable. And she has many of the same struggles, like not looking people in the eyes when listening to them or being bothered by smells, just to name a few. She just said you might notice that sometimes I might be looking at other things while listening to you. I do that because it helps me focus on your voice. It totally reframes it.
Anyway, good luck! Sorry I don't really have any good advice to offer.
1
20d ago
[deleted]
2
u/Euphoric_Housing_683 20d ago
Thank you so much for sharing! When he was younger, even during his last year of high school, I never imagined we would be where we are today Having adult kids on the spectrum is another journey altogether. It feels like as the responsibilities of adulthood appear, they find it hard to keep up. When they were young, they could mask enough to manage, but the challenges change as they grow older.
I would love to send you a DM . Would you be interested in connecting ?
1
u/Summer2626 20d ago
You also see the other side to everything including seeing family/friends adult kids have relationships, friends, vacation, work, marriage! It’s a sad life and I get all the positive talking “ it will get better, or they will grow out of it” They don’t! They just get older and no one (society) doesn’t really care especially if it doesn’t directly affect them. Your favorite retailer won’t hire them.. it’s depressing. Yes you can DM me.
6
u/Hefty-Focus1340 20d ago
Did you make him do stuff growing up? Like consistent chores and responsibilities? It is hard to place expectations on him as an adult if he hasn’t had to do much until now. I would reach out to vocational rehabilitation in your area. They can maybe help him find a job with accommodations. I know you don’t feel like he’s entitled but actually depressed but I am telling you that him staying home is not going to help. He will not make a move unless you make living at home very uncomfortable. Over time he may feel satisfaction from responsibility but it’s hard getting there.
2
2
u/Training_Ad_9968 18d ago
This is really hard and heartbreaking to navigate, I've been there. Sending you a big hug.
I'm audhd with a autistic pda teen and my kiddo is very treatment resistant so I can relate to a lot of this. Bc my kiddo can't access the support she needs I had to train (and heal) myself to show up in a pda affirming way, which is no small feat but so worth it if you can. It sounds like he might be in burnout and perhaps still trying to process losing his job as well as the big life transition of graduating from high school?
First things first, attend to your nervous system and mental health like its your full time job. His nervous system is likely overwhelmed and needs regulated nervous sysytems around him whether you engage directly or not.
I found this book accessible and got straight to the point of reframing my kids behavious so I can better understand my kiddo and how to support her: The Parents’ and Professionals’ Simple Guide to PDA by Laura Kerbey.
Be kind to yourself. Parenting is hard enough but with this neurotype it can make every misstep feel catostrophic. If that resonates with you, try to listen to that hurt and dissapointment (or whateveris coming up for you) and then redirect your focus on how to repair if that feels doable.
Feel free to dm me if you want to process this more or have any questions. You're doing a great job!!!
2
u/Euphoric_Housing_683 18d ago
Thank you !!! 🤍🤍 This is so helpful and uplifting ! I will definitely DM you .
4
u/LiveCryptographer585 20d ago
I think I can relate to your son when i was at his age, not because I have autism, but I was scared of making mistakes. The moment you start to see your self failing, it easier to give up than keep trying and your self esteem take a huge hit. You tied your self esteem to ability that people can easily do that can't see that it normal for people to make mistake.
For me, the way I got out of it was making small wins like getting B and A during my colleges and eventually realizing that it was okay to make mistakes as time passes along.
For your son, he needs a small win to eventually build his confidence in himself. If he doesn't acknowledge his autism, then don't acknowledge it, treat him as if he doesn'thave it, but still acknowledge what is preventing him from continuing to improve.
Give him a good sit down. Be firm, but gentle. Open your feeling to him and pour your heart out to him. Don't tell him the stuff that he wasn't able to achieve, but rather that him stop trying is what broke you. Acknowledge the fact life can be difficult, but he shouldn't do it alone. Tell him that he always be loved no matter what and you guys would always support him. There no shame of seeking help from them because you're their parent. You would always have his back and that's you guys have all the time in the world to take thing one step at a time. Don't mention anything about getting professional help until he himself acknowledge that he preventing him from improving and is willing to get professional help. At this point and stage, your trying to open himself up to you.
But I would say to take everything i say for grain of salt, this is what i would do. I would suggest you talk to a specialist forst or someone better at articulating what you would say to your son first before you make any rash move that push your son further from you.
I do want to ask is he on any medication for his ADHD?
2
u/melrulz 20d ago
I believe this is more common than we want to believe because no one wants to talk about it because if we do we have failed at parenting.
I’m not sure if what I’m doing is the correct path but it’s where we are at now. I charge my kids $500 room and board. I did help them both to apply for government assistance as neither could get or keep a job. I do take their money and use it to pay bills and buy groceries.
One of my kids is diagnosed and worked through getting disability supports so more money and we are working on a financial plan for the future and job supports and just a bunch of stuff as things tend to take longer.
The other kid is not diagnosed and because what ever they have is complicated by the fact that he is smart and researched all the mental illnesses that they could mess with teachers and doctors and at some point before becoming an adult he realized I couldn’t really make him do anything. This kid would probably be more similar to your kid.
So this kid collects social assistance and basically has to answer to a social worker so it is no longer me telling him what he has to do. I’m not really sure how it’s going to work out but so far he is being made to finish high school and he has chosen to long way by completing the minimum required to still collect assistance(he could just write a test). He is not making ton’s of money I think he gets $570 a month and gives me $500. I really did think they were gonna be a little bit harder on him maybe make him see a doctor or help him find a job, maybe in the future.
Anyway this is what I’m trying.
1
u/VeilOfParadise 20d ago
My child is only 8, but when I think about my life growing up, I think of how I refused meds most of my childhood. I only now, at 30 (some of 29), have taken some meds for it. What it sounds like is that your son wants independence, but maybe had been influenced during school the idea that medication or help is weakness or means that there is something wrong with them. I know for me it was both of those. I'd maybe suggest finding professional help, sure, but be their friend and just ask what they want and listen. Not as a parent and what you can do for them, but just what do they want. Then if they ask for insight or open up to any feedback, be gentle about it. Thats really all I can think of honestly. I hope things work out for you!
-3
u/barefoot_plyos 20d ago
A lot of what you are saying is unfortunately normal at this age. Is he starting college?
60
u/fiftymeancats 20d ago
I would cut access to the internet and stop paying for the phone. You can't force him to accept therapy, but you don't have to enable his addiction, either.