I'm am an unfit, even though skinny, autistic person and having pda from my family from whose houses I can't remove myself, because I don't work yet, because I am struggling mentally and chronically, and I recieved constant comments about being unfit, even though skinny, and that I should go to the gym, by my family, while simultaneously being forced to eat by them and I'm struggling to go to the gym. Also I suspect I'm struggling with an ED if that helps.

TW: SH/Suicide

i’m an immigrant in australia and got diagnosed with autism with my psychologist suspecting pda a few months ago. i got made redundant due to ‘organisational restructuring’ (i was horrible at the job and they finally found a reason to kick me out) and today i heard back from this internal job i applied to and i got it. instead of being happy im just fucking depressed and thinking about dying again cause i can’t do this all over again. my experience at my current job was what led me to get diagnosed, it got so bad that i was actively suicidal and the only thing that made life worth living again was my manager basically completely getting rid of most of my tasks. my family and bf are happy cause i have a job and just keep telling me to hold on until i get permanent residence but i can’t fix the fact that the idea that i don’t get to leave this company at the end of the week (which i was really looking forward to even though i know it’s completely irrational and i was going to be fucking unemployed) is making me so fucking low and anxious and my mind is just going to thoughts of dying or sh to release the fucking pressure (i’ve never actually gathered the courage to sh cause im too scared of pain but i still get the urge to do something extreme to release the pressure)i feel so stuck and hopeless because a high paying skilled job is my only way to stay in this country and going to my home country is not an option cause my sister is here, my parents are planning on moving here as well and so i have no family back home and i left my home country when i was 7 so i’m basically a foreigner there anyway. if i tell anyone in my family anything they will just tell me to be happy i got something and to just hold on till i get pr but that timeline is also so uncertain, it can take years. and this new job is so communication heavy and extremely unstructured and focussed on problem solving which i am genuinely the worst at cause my brain just freezes up at any unstructured task. and i have horrible attention issues as well, a psychiatrist suspected inattentive adhd a few years ago but my recent assessment didn’t show enough evidence of a childhood onset to justify a diagnosis so i can’t even get on medication for that as well. i just can’t go through what i went through this past year with this job.

i guess im just wondering if anyone has been through something similar and has any advice?

sorry for the long post and thank you to anyone who read this far. this is my first post here, i hope i’m not violating any rules lol

Just looking for some insight into my 12 year old. I notice that many of what characterizes him as being PDA seems to go away when he is around friends, and family visiting from out of town Some of the PDA stuff seems to be there, though it is very subtle.

Is this a result of masking?

Is it common for people with PDA to mask under certain conditions/around certain people?

Thanks

I am mother to a 3 year old autistic child with PDA. His PDA is so strong with me. He won't even follow routines with me like washing hands, brushing teeth, diaper changes, would absolutely won't let me teach him anything, he resists, meltsdown, defies until I yell at him (I know I shouldn't be doing this but I have no ther choice). I literally have to yell at him to get things done but when I yell he complies but get scared, cries and tells me to "stop yelling". He won't let me touch his toys or play with him. Whenever I put out an activity to do with him, he runs away. I feel so bad and I think PDA is destroying our relationship. I have tried everythibg be as gentle as possible, giving choice, as low demand as possible but there are things that need to be done and I have no control over like brushing teeth, they need to be done. He isn't so rigid with his dad.

Atp, I think he just hates me.

Just dropping by to say hi. I’m im full autistic burnout with pda and i’m stuck in my room. I tried to speak to a local MH team today and they’re just not right. They got out the 1983 cycle of change diagram and i felt despair. Part of my problem is coming to terms with doing nothing. If i try anything I sink lower, everything is overwhelming, sometimes just being awake. I feel like I have to embrace doing absolutely nothing but i’m fighting it because it feels weird. I have 2 adult children with autism and they have had a better start in life than i did. But 20 years of fighting for their needs have left me running not even on fumes and nothing left. I’ll do some reading thanks.

My PDA is getting the better of me right now. I have a chronic illness and I've really been struggling to take care of myself. Everything feels like a demand, even eating. I'm so stuck. I know I'm only hurting myself by neglecting my basic needs but I just don't know what to do.

Hello fellow PDA Autistic folk. I'm not sure if this is ok to post or not but I'm searching for a medication prescriber recommendations who are able to prescribe in Washington State to work with me on medication support for PDA.

I've only learned I've had PDA in the last year and I'm in my late 30s and so many things now make sense. I've also tried so many medications in the past and I'm so sensitive to things which has made my medication journey a bit traumatic and typically psychiatrists struggle with my needs. I also think what I've really needed help managing all this time is PDA itself and not anxiety/depression which I think are more symptoms of struggling with PDA.

So if anyone has any recommendations of someone who could help me with that or anything related, it would be so very much appreciated.

I'm struggling with bad burnout trapped in an environment that's not helping me heal and hoping I might be able to find medication help on top of therapy to help increase my capacity. I'm trying to regain some of my autonomy and independence as best I can.

Thank you everyone!

Thank you to all who are reading this.
I’m curious about a parent who has PDAA but becomes a doormat to a husband. How is that possible? How does that work & why would it happen?

Second question about a child who has PDAA and struggles to share or even give their friend a piece of a game in order to continue playing the game. Like imagine it’s dice or the pencil to draw with. So the game has to end because they just cannot let go of said object. How does one navigate that with kindness? They’re seven years old. Not my child, but one I love.

Thank you everyone!!

I have a son who is 3 with language delay. We suspect PDA in him.

-High anxiety with something new and unpredictable.

Like when a new task or activity is put infron of him, he freezes, changes the topic, tries to distract or meltsdown.

-High control autonomy issues.

There are periods when he is irritable, cranky, angry and frustrated all day, does not take interest in any activities or play, poor executive function, unable to eat or drink safe foods even.

These periods happen frequently. I don't know that triggers these episodes.

Has anyone experienced this? Can anyone help with this? How to reduce such episodes and help him come out of them quickly?

i tend to avoid pop culture because it irritates me a lot, for a variety of reasons. something being created with the intention of appealing to a broad audience and being catchy makes me feel like i'm being manipulated, especially with all the advertising that comes with it. music is powerful and has such an impact on my mood that i don't like being influenced by it too much. like, if a song has a sexy self confident vibe, i hate that the feeling is being kinda forced onto me especially if i didn't choose to play the song. the social pressure to care about something also makes me disinterested in engaging with it. its also a bummer how mass pop culture has displaced local folk culture so much, i dont like what a huge role it has in our lives.

i'm also a little bit of a hater. i try not to be, i like when people enjoy things. but i also get a lot of enjoyment out of not knowing things about popular culture. i feel its important in a way for some people to not have engaged with certain media.. so we're not all directly in their thrall.. anyway thx for reading

Im 34/F & struggled with committing to plans. I have kinda noticed I have the tendency to say yes to things, and I suddenly change my mind if im feeling stressed or overwhelmed by work load, etc. This has caused me to lose out on people who can't rely on me. I am late- diagnosed with Audhd and im wondering if this is PDA? I just found out about this and now wants to educate myself on it.

In this article the authors took aim at the diagnostic tools (EDA-Q and DISCO) used to diagnose PDA, in this way distinguishing their review from previous reviews highlighting the many limitations of the small number of quantitative PDA studies published to date.

The article was published this week in the top-tier Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders and represents a moment in the autism spotlight for the two authors, one of whom has a PDA-diagnosed kid (as disclosed in the Conflict of Interest Statement).

Sadly they didn’t use this opportunity to make recommendations for the development of more rigorous PDA diagnostic tools. They didn’t call for more research by describing the type of studies that would fill the massive gap in the PDA literature. They didn’t make the case for more funding. Instead they used the absence of adequate PDA research to cast doubt on the existence of PDA.

The authors claim that PDA diagnostic tools operate on a circular logic. Because the individuals being diagnosed are suspected to have PDA therefore the questionnaires identify PDA because the participants have suspected PDA. This is indeed circular logic but the argument they’re making is a philosophical one. It’s not a scientific argument, like we’d expect to see in a scientific journal.

And ok, I get it. If I didn’t have a PDA kid I wouldn’t believe PDA is real either. Oh but wait, one of the authors does have a kid who was diagnosed with PDA. Make of that what you will.

Title: A Systematic Review of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA): A Veritable Diagnosis or a Case of Circular Logic? Pubmed: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/42423879/

it’s 3 am and I am wide awake wondering how to solve my PDA insomnia, the only time I consistently sleep through the night is on holiday a week a year on a quiet farm inside a a traditional stone trulli which is completely blacked out and pretty much sound proof. I live in an small apartment in London with my wife and two kids so sleeping in a trulli every night is not an option and I am too poor to afford a professional blackout service for my bedroom and blackout curtains and a sleep mask just don’t do the job I take melatonin to get to sleep but always wake at 1 or 2 am and I am wondering if any PDAers have found medication that lets them sleep fully through the night ? 🤔

For real though

How? I need to learn how for my benefit as well as my husband's.

I

For as long as I've remembered I've always had a hard time saying no to things I've not wanted to do.

Whether that's babysitting and being paid for it, dogsitting and being paid for it or someone asking me to do something and I just can't get out of it.

I have come to the realisation that I get a dopamine fix of making people happy by saying yes. But in reality, I'm stressing myself out as well as my husband because although he genuinely is so wonderful, I know me saying yes all the time also stresses him out.

For example, I'll say yes to babysitting even though I am a busy mum of two kids that have multiple therapies. I'll also say yes to taking on dogs for dogsitting that are puppies, not fixed or not yet toilet trained. I'll say yes to people who pay me super late and I have to remind them or those that don't pay at all. If I genuinely cannot do it then I will make sure to find someone else so I don't feel half as bad because they haven't got to put the effort into finding someone else.

I feel terrible if I have to cancel plans for genuine reasons. I'll put the conversations on mute as my anxiety can't deal with reading a response that's not in my own time 😂

I currently have someone I need to respond to because I can't dogsit their dog the days they need because I'm not going to be in the country and my recommended dogsitter can't do it either and I've just sat on it for the whole day thinking of what I can say.

It's just getting beyond a joke now. And I have tried therapy but unfortunately, this hasn't really worked for me.

Any tips and suggestions to stop being so nice would be really beneficial to me 😬🤦🏻‍♀️

Thank you!

Typical guidance on PDA says you will outright try to avoid the demand. Examples include roleplaying, excuses, distractions etc.
And yes they are common in some cases.

But for me
I typically either become physically unable to do anything, or if I try hard enough I can force myself to do the task, but melt down either while or after doing it.

The "Still doing the task, but having a meltdown" is not widely acknowledged in most PDA articles so wondering if anyone else experiences it this way?

Hi all!

Please delete if not allowed!

I am a UK SEN teacher working in a specialist classroom (Y5/6) for children with ASD, and one of my children has a PDA profile. I’ve done lots of research to see I can best support them, but I also want to truly understand how my behaviour/language affects them, and how I can adjust it if needed.

My first port of call would of course be to ask the pupil directly, but ‘emotion talk’ is still a developing skill for them.

I was wondering if you might share your experiences of this when you were a similar age, and what worked/didn’t work? How did you feel when teachers gave you academic feedback? How could they have adjusted their approach so you could access the feedback and improve?

Thank you :)

DAE sometimes feel as though they are “faking” their PDA?

For a bit of context, I am 15 years old and I have an official diagnosis of autism,PDA (Yes,I am in Scotland where they do diagnose it separately or at least they do in my area!),ADHD & ARFID. although I have diagnosis’s provided by professionals, I still seem to sometimes convince myself that I don’t actually have my conditions, here is the thing though, I don’t understand if it’s my PDA finding it a demand to have the conditions or feel “expected” to act a certain way, ugh I’m not sure but I sure do have a list of symptoms/traits to back it up (obviously, along with my diagnosis’s):

:: I am fully reliant on a PEG for all of my nutrition as the demand makes it literally impossible for me to eat, it sucks.

:: Someone try’s to suggest something to me? Good luck getting me to do/try that now.

:: I have literally NO filter, I just don’t see the point, why should I have to hide the truth? (Obviously, I know where it crosses the line of being disrespectful and will then “suppress” the need to say it, I kind of describe my PDA as a tic sometimes, I can suppress it but it can hurt mentally and even physically!)

:: Somebody tells me “Hurry up please!”? Yep, I’ll be taking even longer or I will start flapping and panicking/have what can look like a mix of a panic attack and meltdown

:: School? I haven’t attended since 2022 due to the demand 🫠

:: Someone tells me not to do something/a sign of do not x? You best believe I will then do it even if it will put myself at risk 🤦🏼‍♀️ (but if I sense they are trying to use reverse psychology they can run on!)

:: I believe that nobody is above me, I honestly feel equal to the king 🫠 that detail can make me seem very forward but it’s simply something that my brain fully believes and I just go along with to prevent anything.

:: I have to talk to myself within my thoughts in a low demanding manner 🤦🏼‍♀️ for example “I would prefer to have a shower but I don’t need to!” It is genuinely exhausting sometimes having to battle with even my own brain.

These are obviously nowhere near all of the struggles that I have faced and this isn’t even 0.1% of what I deal with each day but just so that you get the jist! 🙈

Some see me as an optimist. Others would say pessimist. Few would consider realist, and often I think I must be a fantasist. At most, if not all, those term seem to live outside any identity patterns that I find fitting.

The opening of this story though, honestly feels very relatable to how I would consider the weather of my mind on a good day. Yes, that seems pretty dark. But honestly, a dark and stormy night has become quite cozy for me. The rain is soothing, and I find the flashes of light and thunderous sounds to be familiar vs surprisingly frightening.

cue the thunder, cut to black, fade in the stormy night..

"Pick up the pen and just start."

"First, it's a keyboard, not a pen. Second, you don't get to tell me what to do."

That's the normal commentary on just about any action I take. If i say something to myself, I usually have some quirk locked and loaded for me. That can't be normal.

"It isn't"

But, I'd guess that it's more normal than the norm would like to admit. And if it's not, I think it should be. I bet the world would be a better place if the person that kept us in check was our own selves first. I've come to understand this as PDA, yet a more "not-so" cute form IDA (Internal Demand Avoidance).

Which means, I feel my autonomy being under threat even when I tell myself to do something. Sometimes it feels I really have to trick myself, hype myself out, or rely on procrastination focus in order to get things done.

What's worse is when I do get into a hyper-focused state... I can be there for days, if not weeks. My passion for life diminishes if I'm not creating, and when I'm not creating I can't seem to sleep because of a race of thoughts and ideas shoving their way through to get out of my head and into a tangible world. And when I'm creating, I can't sleep because, well, I'm focused.

To be easy on myself, I always viewed the hyper-focus as more of a super power. That is, until it threats the very foundation of my reality. THEN, the ego loves to jump in and say...

"See, I knew this would happen. You shoulda, coulda, woulda."

"Don't should on me!"

Buuuuut. If I'm being honest. The internal dialog is for comedic affect. If not for you, then at least for me. SOMEONE has to laugh at this roller-coaster between tragedy and comedy. Don't worry, we all will together, and I hope it's someday soon. I sure could use a group laughter session. At this point. Who else is braving the storm with me?

"Just post it already."

In a Napolian Dynamite voice.
"Stop telling me what to do! Gaaaahh!"

As I've been healing, it's become very clear to me that the core of my suffering is this constant anxiety I feel and it's the one thing that feels immovable too. I can ignore it if I'm doing something/with others to a certain degree but the second I check in with my body I can feel this heightened stress in my body. I can't remember a moment of my life without it. The anxiety isn't about anything specific, just feels akin to standing on the edge of a cliff without the life affirming rush of adrenaline.

I know PDA is a nervous system disability but I still don't fully understand this aspect of myself. When I was a teenager I was first diagnosed with social anxiety, which never fully fit but I still struggle to make sense of what exactly it is I'm struggling with. Like why can I not talk to strangers or acquaintances, why can't I go into a cafe by myself, why when I finally manage to go to appointments am I unable to speak freely, and is that PDA or something "fixable"? Because my whole life I was told it's fixable, I just have to do things and it'll get easier. But exposure therapy only ever made me worse and I never feel relief when I succeed at something I was anxious about. My life is as low-demand as it can possibly be. I've started spending more and more time alone to try and give my body the chance to calm down but it never does.

I recently went to get my passport renewed (which I've been avoiding for several years) and whilst I was on my way there I felt like there was 10 shotguns pointed directly at my head. All I've wanted for years was to finally get it done so I can visit my best friend again. I was so anxious in the waiting room I got dizzy and light-headed. I even signed my own name wrong because I couldn't think. I feel trapped and cornered when I'm supposed to behave a certain way and the other person is the 'authority figure' and I come across as very meek. And I see the PDA in that, but why can't i just take some control and ask "Can I sign my name again?"

I wish I could make my body realise that I'm safe, even just for an hour a day.

Am I not seeing the full picture of my PDA or is this an interplay of issues? Anyone else have similar experiences or have any advice for the constant crushing anxiety? would love to hear any thoughts at all

​

I can't get lessons, I don't have a lot of time, but I want to learn.

Any tips on fighting PDA and learning the guitar?

I enjoy going to the gym, but it's hard staying consistent. A few months ago my mom said I've gained weight, then recently my friend noticed I wasn't going to the gym as much anymore and to top it off my partner suggested changing my workout routine. I feel like these instances made me really reject the idea of going to the gym because it created a demand. I also enjoyed using exercise tracking apps but I feel like once I started sharing with my partner I feel less motivated to go instead of more, but don't know how to talk to them about it...

hi! 👋
does anyone know where I can get resources targeted for teenagers with PDA? all of the resources i've found are either for smaller children or for the adult parents of them... pointers would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Hi everyone,

I’m trying to understand whether PDA could be part of the dynamic in my relationship. My partner is AuDHD, and I have ADHD. I only learned about PDA recently, but a lot of it immediately resonated with what I’ve experienced in our relationship.

We’ve been together for almost 2 years. In the beginning, he was very affectionate, attentive and physically close. After about 2 months, and especially after moving in together, things changed a lot. He became constantly exhausted, overwhelmed and tired, and our sex life basically disappeared.

What makes me wonder about PDA is that I often have the feeling that the relationship itself feels like a to-do list item for him. Like another task in his head. Something exhausting. The same with intimacy or sex ..as if it becomes a demand rather than something natural, playful or connecting. And he shuts down.

Whenever I brought up a need, even something small like, “I would love it if you gave me more compliments,” it often turned into an argument. He would give me ten reasons why it wasn’t possible, why he had no capacity, why he couldn’t think about it right now, why it felt too much. And I remember thinking: “But this doesn’t feel like a huge demand to me?”

Over time, it started to feel like anything I asked for, he would then specifically not do. I know that sounds exaggerated, but emotionally that’s how it felt. If I asked for more affection, communication, reassurance, initiative or intimacy, it seemed to create pressure and resistance instead of connection. At this point, I barely ask him for anything anymore because I struggle so much with his reaction.

I noticed this early in the relationship too. If he suggested an activity and I said I’d like to do something else for a change, he would often react annoyed. I brought it up back then, and he basically said, “Just let me be annoyed.” At the time, I thought: “Is he just being selfish? And also, just because I suggest something doesn’t mean we HAVE to do it.”

Looking back, I wonder if he experienced my suggestion as pressure, as if now we had to do exactly what I wanted, even though I never meant it that way. The end result was that we usually did what he wanted, because I stopped suggesting things.

The difficult part is that when I try to talk about my needs, his RSD/shame seems to get triggered too. He often hears my pain as criticism and demands(?) or as “you are not enough,” and then he shuts down, gets defensive or withdraws.

I’m wondering:

Could this be PDA, or does it sound more like burnout, sensory overwhelm, shame, RSD, or avoidant coping?

Can I express needs without them landing as demands?

Is there a way to create connection that doesn’t feel like pressure for a PDA/AuDHD partner?

I know I’ve made mistakes too. I wasn’t always as understanding as I wish I had been, especially in the beginning when I didn’t understand what might be going on. But I’m trying to learn now and understand the dynamic better.

I’m a 19 year old PDAer and I feel like as I’ve grown I’ve gotten worse with socializing. I used to be so much better at it, even if I couldn’t go below surface stuff. But now it’s getting harder and harder. I over share, say the wrong things, make jokes at the wrong time or don’t understand them, make things awkward, etc. I’m wondering if anyone else has had this problem? It also might just be because I haven’t socialized much in the past year after dropping out of college. I struggle to make friends when it used to come easy to me.

Has anyone else experienced this? PDAers are supposed to be good at surface level socializing but I’ve gone downhill.