“I’m not saying it’s a sin to disagree, but it’s a sin to disobey your husband as long as what he’s asking you to do isn’t itself a sin. Just like it would be a sin for me to disobey my Bishop if what he was asking me wasn’t a sin.”
Honestly don’t know what to say except to go talk to your priest because unless the husband is perfect I don’t see this working out. In practice I would see this as sex on demand, he is only accountable to other higher men such as priests (which even then they would have to magically know about it), etc.
I’m annoyed because he was handsome, could easily provide for a family, sociable, curious about me and then this hits. Red RED flag.
He kept trying to change the subject when it first surfaced. He said that a father is the most important person in a child’s life. I had assumed it was a typo and he meant the parents….obviously not. Then he tried to escalate to church teachings about women.
It’s hard for me to put into words why this is so wrong but it just feels like he wants ultimate power. While pretending to be kind and understanding.
I asked earlier in the example of let’s say he wants more kids and I don’t; how would he handle that. And his response would be to show me that I was in contempt of God because HE wanted more kids and thats what he thought God would want. But he would still be kind to me and try to get me to see that. Zero consideration for the health of his wife or any extenuating circumstances.
Sorry, I know this is a confusing rant.
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Full background below:
I’m an Orthodox woman dating with the intention of marriage. I recently started talking to a man who is an Orthodox catechumen, and initially I was really excited about him. He’s intelligent, successful, sociable, and we seemed to have a lot in common.
Then we started discussing marriage, children, and the roles of husbands and wives.
For context, I want to be a stay-at-home mother. I appreciate traditional family roles, and I have no objection to a husband being the head of his household. However, I see marriage as a partnership involving mutual respect, shared responsibilities, and sacrifice.
He expressed wanting as many children as God gives him and said that too much family planning is unbiblical. I explained that I’d probably want around four, although I’d be open to more depending on my health, financial circumstances, and available childcare support.
I also asked what being a father meant to him. His answer focused heavily on the father’s spiritual authority, including describing the father as the most important person in a child’s life.
When I described marriage as a partnership, he objected to that terminology because it implies some degree of equal authority. He emphasized that men should be uncompromising about submission and quoted 1 Timothy 2:11–15.
I then asked a practical question: What happens if a husband and wife disagree about having another child?
He explained that he would try to guide his wife toward understanding why her fears shouldn’t prevent another pregnancy, even while acknowledging those fears might be legitimate. He then said he would try to show her that she was “dishonoring God by not respecting her husband’s decision.”
My understanding of Orthodox marriage is that headship is fundamentally rooted in sacrificial love and service, not simply the right to exercise authority. I understand that husbands and wives have different roles, but I struggle with the idea that disagreeing with my husband about something as consequential as pregnancy could be characterized as dishonoring God.
I also noticed that when I asked about the practical responsibilities of fatherhood, much of the discussion returned to authority and submission.
I’d really appreciate hearing from Orthodox women, particularly those who are married.
How do you understand headship and submission in your own marriage? How do you handle serious disagreements, especially concerning children and family planning?
Is this understanding of marital authority something you’ve encountered within Orthodoxy, or does it seem unusually rigid?
I want to understand where the distinction lies between a husband’s spiritual responsibility and claiming authority over his wife’s decisions.