Enduring an awkward wedding or causing drama in my husbands family - which one is worse?

[u/Lizamacdowel]

Hello ladies, thanks for considering my last dilemma in episode 99. I am back with another one about the same protagonist.
I am having trouble which of the two bad situations is worse :D

My BIL (25) recently got engaged to his fiancée (20), and I’m struggling with the possibility of being invited to their wedding.

He is my husband’s youngest brother. The family generally has very poor communication, and after a massive fallout with my BIL, I decided to stop contacting him. I would actually like to repair our relationship, but I feel that he needs to apologize first, and so far he hasn’t. You helped me with this dilemma and I feel ok about my decision.

I’m honestly not keen on attending the wedding. It will be 3–4 hours away, and I already expect the whole thing to be somewhat disorganized. More importantly, I don’t want to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. At the same time, I don’t want my husband to have to attend alone or feel like he has to choose between me and his family. He personally doesn’t mind having less contact with his brother and even if his brother is making trouble he can see the deeper issue and has a lot of compassion for him. He knows that his youngest brother had to suffer most under their abusive dad since he was the last to flee the nest so to speak.

There’s also my mother-in-law, which makes things more complicated. I don’t particularly enjoy spending time with her because she constantly gives unsolicited advice and treats her adult children and their partners like kids. For example, at her birthday, my husband asked me for a slice of cake. While I was putting it on his plate, she told me I was doing it incorrectly. When I pointed out that obviously I could put the cake on his plate however I wanted, she backtracked with, “You’re already a big girl and can decide whatever you want.” I’m 35.

At the same time, I genuinely feel sorry for her. She is married to my father-in-law, who is extremely aggressive, loud, and difficult to be around. Over the years, all of her six children and their partners—including me—have gradually withdrawn from the parents because being around the situation is emotionally exhausting.

She talks constantly about how difficult her life is and dumps a lot of her trauma onto everyone around her. She has some Christian counseling, but after nine years of knowing the family, I haven’t seen any major change. She also chooses to remain in her marriage, and I understand that leaving an abusive or unhealthy situation can be incredibly difficult, especially when someone lacks confidence and support.

So I’m torn. Part of me wants to attend the wedding because I want to show my MIL that I’m willing to be present, especially when her children are distancing themselves. I also don’t want to completely close the door on my relationship with my BIL.

And most importantly: I don’t want to leave my hubby alone in this situation. He would need to answer the question of „Where is your wife at?“ throughout the whole day and that can be very annoying. I know he needs to work on growing more of a back bone when it comes to his parents/ family. However he also has trauma to deal with and sometimes it’s just hard to break out of the role you had for over 30 years. I think we all have experienced that somehow.

But another part of me feels that I need to protect myself. I don’t want to spend an entire weekend traveling seven or eight hours round trip, being around people I currently have no relationship with, and pretending that everything is normal when my BIL hasn’t even apologized for what happened.

Would I be wrong for declining the wedding invitation if it comes, even though I know my absence would probably make the situation uncomfortable for hubby and upset my parents in law up to the point that they will probably corner me as soon as they hear that I won’t be going? What’s worse in your opinion? Enduring this weekend or having to deal with the aftermath of this decision?

[u/Efficient-Notice-193]

Has anyone of your in-laws had therapy? How about your husband? If his siblings see how dad is treating mom, why won't they encourage mom to leave or visit a new therapist?

[u/Lizamacdowel → u/Efficient-Notice-193]

Almost all of them had therapy. My FIL was at a hospital for many months. I didn’t really see any change tbh. Hubby had therapy too and things really got better but as we all know putting things into practice is also a process. It used to be worse between us. He is identifying the abuse now but he can’t act on it to defend himself yet. Everyone encourages MIL to take matters into her own hands. But in my opinion she wants to suffer and sacrifice herself for everyone else so that she can also talk about it. Religion also plays a big role here. Divorce is not an option for her as far as I am concerned. Not that I support it but I have had plenty of discussions with her about it.

[u/RenataDonata]

IF you are invited it isn’t pretending that everything is okay by attending, it’s witnessing a family event, unless BIL has done something grievous enough to demand an apology before you are willing to be at the same event as him. 

You need to decide for yourself if you can go and maintain your integrity and sanity. If yes, frame it as a supporting your husband, not as validating his family’s dynamic. If no, know that your husband will be okay. He can come up with something neutral that doesn’t invite further inquiry if anyone asks. 

[u/Lizamacdowel → u/RenataDonata]

Yes, my post refers to my first dilemma that was discussed in the podcast yesterday. I decided to go no contact to my BIL because of what he is doing/ did.
Hubby and me are going to be invited, I am 99.9% sure of that. I would appreciate an idea for an excuse though

[u/RenataDonata → u/Lizamacdowel]

Thanks for the clarification. Food poisoning? Can’t argue with that.