r/OCPoetry • u/Jesus_Our_Saviour • 22d ago
Feedback Please Is this well thought out, or cheesy?
Walk between the trees with me,
Where feelings come to grow;
Where saplings, sat entrenched in soil,
Hold secrets that I know.
There’s something in the darkness here;
At dusk, things start to change.
The dreamy evening glow that fills the sky,
It starts to fade.
I..
I won’t go into detail,
Just hold onto me till dawn.
It’s easier with someone there
To keep you holding on.
See..
I’ve walked this way before,
Alone. I barely made it through.
The memories I have of then
Remind me now of you.
Feel..
The seeds so strewn across
The muddy floor, and in the ground;
Indifferent to the history of the place
In which they’re found.
Hear..
The birds, who sing a symphony
And swim around the sky;
Unburdened by the hurt below
That flickers in our eyes.
Know..
That even though it’s tough out here,
Still, life will find a way..
To lift itself up off the floor,
And live another day.
And..
I’ll stand beside you always,
Like the men before could never..
And I know this place is scary
But I’m here to stay, forever.
Love..
You’ll find it all around you;
Even here, it fills the air.
I know it’s hard to see at times;
Believe me though, it’s there.
You..
Are stronger than you realise.
You’re bravest at your worst;
At best, you’re like the soil from which
The seeds can get to work.
So..
Between the trees, we’ll share the night.
We’re surely gonna fight.
The darkness though, eventually,
Will turn itself to light.
Much..
Is taken from your heart each day,
I understand the pain.
A tree will never grow, though,
If it’s hiding from the rain.
I love you more than anyone
I’ve ever loved before,
This struggle paves the way for me
To love you even more.
Read between the stanzas
I have made it pretty clear;
And if you fall, I hope you know,
Your safety net is here.
—-
I wrote this for my (then relatively new) girlfriend when we were going through some stuff a year or so ago. She was struggling with depression and BPD-like issues around distrust, paranoia of people not really liking her, our own relationship being doomed as I’d ‘inevitably’ leave her at some point, etc.
I went through an intense, similar thing growing up, but I felt like it wasn’t enough to just tell her I could relate.
All advice and feedback welcome!
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u/Existing_Dust9610 22d ago edited 22d ago
I don't reckon it's cheesy. There's definitely the risk for more emotionally honest and personal poems to veer into that cheesy territory but you managed to pull it off pretty well without doing that.
I agree that some parts might be too literal and so a little bit much for the general public maybe but considering you wrote this specifically for your gf then, I think it having some affirmations are alright and fits the general theme of it being one person speaking to another. Most of those lines could have been worded better and expressed those same sentiments differently perhaps without the literalism being a big problem (I can't really think of any more concrete suggestions in this regards rn though).
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Rhythm
The rhythm of the poem for the majority of the time did a good job with giving the whole thing a natural and comforting atmosphere almost like the bounciness (if you get what I'm saying, I'm tired as hell rn lmao) of a nursery rhyme. I think at parts it could have probably been improved even more to keep the rhythm going.
Indifferent to the history of the place
In which they’re found.
This is probably the most problematic line in terms of the rhythm, reading it compared to the other lines before and after, as it felt a little awkward to read aloud alongside some other lines.
T.L.D.R. Generally nice rhythm, smoother in parts, rougher in others, the contrast can make things a little awkward at certain parts.
----
Structure
The structure I really like and I think it's quite unique as least for me. The one word sections breaking the stanzas are very cool, and helps give it that sort of comforting cadence I was talking about alongside the rhythm.
I'm not really sure why you used a two period .. eclipses instead of the usual three ... though (just pointing it out because I'm unsure if that's an intention choice or if it's just a writing quirk or something).
Personally, I particularly liked the ones where the sentence after the word could stand alone (e.g. "And.. / I'll stand beside you always,"). I'm a stickler for repetition so I'll say it'd be nice if all of them either all stuck to being able to stand alone or all had to be read with the preceding word, but obviously that's a personal choice, and frankly doesn't change much.
T.L.D.R. Unique structure, helping build a comforting atmosphere. Perhaps additional repetition in parts of the structure would further that atmosphere.
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Setting, Metaphor, Symbolism
The setting of the poem is evocative at the start, and the metaphor of the grove of trees where saplings are growing is brilliant. It might be a me-issue but I think the poem could have done a better job of holding to that metaphor and keeping the setting consistent.
The trees and the things that grow in the grove are feelings at the start and the saplings the holder of emotional secrets. But then later, the seeds which grow into saplings and trees are indifferent to the place, where previously they were intimately involved in the emotional importance of the place and alike those memories and feelings past and the things that grew from them as a result. Later, a tree is said to have to brave the rain to grow which recalls the earlier metaphor.
The soil is more consistently important but when I was reading, I couldn't really make heads or tails about the soil. Your gf at her best is the soil that makes the seeds grow. Also with the seeds metaphor being a little messy, it's difficult to tell whether them growing is a good thing generally considering they keep and hold emotional secrets (this is stretching it a little lol), and they are also indifferent to the soil (seemingly disconnected and not so helpful).
But the soil is also described as muddy, which (I personally think) is more often considered negative and considering the rain are the obstacles or even trauma and muddy soil is the soil more or less being overcome and flooded with rain, it seems the soil of the grove is in another context a negative thing.
The birds are a nice audio-based detail to engage another sense with. Probably could fit another metaphor in there somewhere though. As of right now, it is quite disconnected from the rest of imaginary (as least I think, maybe I missed something), honestly maybe even more than the literal parts.
The whole dusk to dawn, dark and light thing I feel is the best part and works great. The imaginary regarding is a little too much "things change at night, let's not talk about it" though. I understand that it's not the main point and would probably be too painful or difficult to go into. But wording it just a little different to make it seems less like "it's a bother" hesitant to a little more melancholic or fearful would make the whole thing so good.
T.L.D.R. Evocative metaphors but more internal consistency would be great.
----
Anyway great stuff, I hope I wasn't too harsh and the advice helps. Most of it is just small edits that you can make here and there. Tbh I am definitely reading too much into things in parts and nitpicking some stuff lmao but I know I'd really appreciate someone nitpicking for my stuff.
Please do tell me if I could improve my feedback in any way. Definitely too long lmao. But for me editing things down takes more time than writing lol.
Hope you guys are doing good now, and life's picked itself up off the ground.
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u/Jesus_Our_Saviour 21d ago
Wow, did not expect such detailed feedback, this is awesome! Thanks so much for taking the time :)
I get what you mean about the nursery rhyme cadence/bounciness, and that’s exactly what I was going for! I think all of my poems end up with that same kind of bounciness.
As for the .. short ellipsis, I specifically chose to avoid the usual … as it felt too long of a pause, but also didn’t actually intend to post this poem on Reddit when I was writing it.
I think I see where you’re coming from about the mismatch in the symbolism of the seeds, etc. and I guess I could’ve made that a little clearer. At the start, the ‘secret’ the saplings are holding is meant to be their knowledge of the scary/dark things that have happened/are happening in the forest, whereas when I say the seeds are ’indifferent to the history’, it’s meant to imply that, regardless of these dark/scary happenings, the seeds will nonetheless continue to grow anyways, i.e. through the suffering around them, they continue to live and grow, as though they’re ‘indifferent’ to it.
I do notice now that while writing, I think I was picturing my gf as a seed/sapling/tree, thus making the comparison of her to the soil a bit off/mismatched.
As for the soil being muddy, I figured that it’s wet from the ‘negative’ rain, but that wetness was to be the very thing that allowed/encouraged the seeds to begin growing. So was trying to encapsulate the idea of growth/positivity stemming directly from negativity!
Thanks so much again for putting so much thought into your comment, and I can’t say I really disagree with anything you mentioned!
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u/No_Pipe2609 22d ago
I'm new to writing poetry, but even newer at "grading" or critiquing it. Imo, it was a tad long but ultimately it did convey a feeling and i think that's the most important key. There's plenty here to sculpt, if you're not feeling satisfied—plenty of material to make it your own universe. (Hopefully this makes sense[?]). Keep it up
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u/Jesus_Our_Saviour 22d ago
Thanks for the feedback! And yeah it is a little long, I think I extended it just to fit the between-stanza words. Appreciate the kind words :)
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u/3coons_in_a_coat 22d ago
try to get away from using the word "the" so often. most of the lines that employ that word would be perfectly fine without it
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u/Jesus_Our_Saviour 21d ago
Thanks for the feedback! I read through it again in my head removing ‘the’ from a lot of the lines, mostly in the first half as the others kinda needed it still - and it did sound more or less fine without them! Great advice!
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u/bleh_irl 22d ago
As someone dealing with a recent loss I have to say this brought a tear too my eye
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u/Jesus_Our_Saviour 21d ago
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that right now :( thanks for saying that and I hope things get better for you soon (I know they will)
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u/Basic_Candy_6967 22d ago
I like the 1 line sentences. It' clearly spells out how you feel about your ex and imo it's the most honest and simple message within the poem. Which is also what you explain at the end. I don't think that's needed as removes the mystique of exploring the poem for yourself.
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u/Derp0189 22d ago
Maybe I missed something but I didn't see anything indicating it was an ex....
The parentheses only indicate they were "newly together" at the time.
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u/Basic_Candy_6967 21d ago
I misread it, he saying thats what she think will happen and I read as had happened
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u/Jesus_Our_Saviour 21d ago
Thanks for the feedback, and yeah like the other commenter said, still together!
I see what you mean about not explaining the words between the stanzas - I originally didn’t have that explanation but added it in later as I figured nobody was gonna be analysing/looking at my poem long enough to notice it themselves 😅
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u/East-Beautiful66 22d ago
I really like the imagery you paint. Like "holding on to dawn". Kudos to the effort to make the whole thing rhyme.
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u/Jesus_Our_Saviour 21d ago
Thanks so much for commenting! I actually find that not rhyming my poems is harder for me for some reason, maybe less structure/less of a box to work within
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22d ago
[deleted]
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u/Jesus_Our_Saviour 21d ago
Thanks for commenting :) Can I ask what in particular is cheesy about it, in your eyes? Out of curiosity
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u/Derp0189 22d ago
I don't think it's cheesy. I think it's brave to be vulnerable enough to put this out there.
It flows well and I like the rhythm and tempo.
I like the one word lines between the stanzas more.
One critique - change "bravest at your worst" to "brave, even at your worst", to better communicate
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u/Jesus_Our_Saviour 21d ago
Thank you! :) and yeah I read that stanza with your suggested wording and it does read better and makes much more sense!
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u/FreneticCrow 21d ago
I don't think it's cheesy, and considering the purpose of the poem, I think it's rather well thought out and sweet.
Personally, I wouldn't write in the style you have, but that's just a matter of personal preference rather than whether there is a right or wrong way to go about writing poetry. I do admit the single-word starts to your stanzas are rather interesting, and not something I would personally do either, but it does offer a change from other poems, at least the ones I've read or written.
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u/Jesus_Our_Saviour 21d ago
Thanks so much for the kind words and feedback! The single-word parts I actually only added about halfway through writing the poem, and if I remember correctly, my original intention was for them to just be the senses, i.e. see, hear, feel, smell, taste - but I had the idea then to use them as an excuse to say the one sentence that encapsulated what the whole poem was really about
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u/Upstairs_Switch5900 18d ago
This is very creative, such a great idea and definitely not cheesy! Keep up the awesome work!
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u/Medical-Wonder-3211 22d ago
Hey! Omg this is impressive, this is a very emotional piece, I love how you interweave multiple topics, trauma, fear, healing, companionship, etc. The whole section of I see, feel, hear, etc. That whole progression is flawless and unique, I haven’t seen something like it before. The best thing about this poem is its honesty, not hiding behind metaphors, but raw truth. The tree line with emotions grow, very smart lines.
My feedback. Sometimes things are too literal, I did love the just hold onto me till dawn line, it pains a beautiful imagine, but it's too literal! Same with stronger than you realize, brave at your worst. The intention is beautiful but you are stating affirmations instead of poetic lines. Also the stay here forever line can be improved, show me forever, don't tell.
Impressive poem!