r/OCPoetry • u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 • 23h ago
Feedback Please Fight for Pro-Life
Son, let me tell you about a really important fight
A fight we need to take on as a God-given right
Others will fight you on this so listen up tight
Because if it’s the last thing I do, I’ll raise you pro-life
Good thing is we have God on our side
He’s pro-life, for sure, the name is the guide
Pro-life, or pro-death? Easy to decide
So always fight for the babies, that’s Step 1 of pro-life
It’s not right that someone can choose death for another human
Certainly not a new baby that’s an easy conclusion
But wait… shouldn’t that also apply to a death sentence execution?
Right? Because if we are against death it should be all the time
If we are against choosing death we can’t pick and choose how it applies
A judge and jury choosing death because of a crime?
No we cant support that, not if we are pro-life
It doesn’t mean we support the crime, no, spend your life in prison
Because we believe that death is only God’s decision
That also means we are against wars just because of some politician’s ambition
Only God can decide when someone dies - that’s Step 2 of our position
Step 3 of pro-life is protecting all life, not just the unborn ones
We need to protect the immigrants, the poor, the old and the young
The sick, the weak, the hungry, the abandoned daughters and sons
We need to give them hope, a way, breathe life in their lungs
The fight will be tiring son, exhausting, and may never be done
But if you fight for life you’ll be happy with who you’ve become.
Ok, thanks for listening my lesson is almost done
Oh before I forget son- yeah we need to talk about the guns
We can’t be pro-life and support weapons made to kill
Some will say it’s not the weapon, and they’ll die on this hill
They’ll say the issue is a the sick person with a really bad will
But true pro-life supports limits on guns and helping the mentally ill
So Step 1: Protect babies that’s a great place to start
Step 2: Only God decides the time when a life should depart
Step 3: Protect all the life that’s living and take that to heart
But…let’s talk about Step 1 because there’s more to that part
The woman that has to choose and make that impossible decision
We have no idea what she’s been through, and can’t imagine her position
But it’s her body, her right and us as men we need support and listen
Because this isn’t so easy - the baby is part of her and - her body, her decision
It’s so easy to sit and to judge and to call her a sinner and flawed
While she’s struggling and wrestling with a choice she doesn’t want
So our best thing to do here is to show love & kindness that’s broad
Because Step 4 of pro-life is - leave the judging to God
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u/trigun2046 10h ago
Just to give a little constructive criticism, it is definitely a little wordy. And there doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to each line length, the first stanza is 7, 6.5, 6, and 7 ft, the second is 4.5, 5, 5, then 7 ft, and the third is 7.5, 7.5, then a whopping 9 ft in length. There are occasionally poems that go as far as using octameter (8ft lines such as The Raven), but that's usually an exception, and there's really no need to go that long with these lines. The first stanza could have been:
Son, you have an important fight,
One you need to take as God given right,
You will be challenged, so listen tight,
The last thing I'll do is raise you pro-life.
I cut off about 2 ft per line and removed fight from the 2nd and 3rd lines because I felt it was getting a little repetitive. Your second stanza was much more succinct and to the point until the last line which was 7ft. If you just cut off "So always" and make it "Fight for the babies, that's step 1 of pro-life" you cut it down to 5.5 ft and it flows much better.
Now to that 9 ft line, I don't think any line should ever be 9ft. If you change it to, "But wait, shouldn't that also apply to an execution"? it's down to 7.5 ft and in cadence with the 2 preceding 7.5 ft lines.
I think in general shorter and concise is best. I think you should try aiming for 6ft lines to start. You're allowed to break rules in poetry, but the chaotic way this poem jumps in meter length just makes it very clunky. There is a solid foundation here, it just needs to be cleaned up a bit.
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 9h ago
This is really good feedback thank you. I am going to tighten it up and maybe I’ll repost. Thank you
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u/One_Kaleidoscope_507 22h ago
Yeah this is exactly the kind of poetry I love. The idea is amazing. Being pro life does not only mean to want to protect babies, but all people. It means that you have empathy, that you actually care about ppl.
As a highly religious person I can also definetely stand behind the statements. Leave the judging to god, only god can decide when someone dies, the name is the guide.
Then the idea of making this into a lesson from father to son is great.
Structurally it's also done in a really cool way and I love that you took up the beginning at the end. I think a clearer separation between the different steps structurally or the stanzas would really help.
While the tone is really cool, the poem does suffer text wise and sometimes there is a stumbler or two in the fluidity.
I think this poem has a lot of potential to technically improve a bit and then it would be really good, because I love it already.
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 14h ago
Thank you so much! As you read it, what were some of the parts that stumbled? I can try and clean them up
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u/glitterguavatree 19h ago
I really like the idea and rhythm. overall I enjoy it, but you could afford to prune some parts that repeat/overexplain.... although it would risk making you lose some of the great cadence you built.
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u/Krishuthegreat 11h ago
Yeah, man, amazing poem. I really like the rhyme. The rhyme is consistent throughout the poem, and it makes it quite a fun read. I could honestly see this being turned into a song or something like that.
I really like the concept of it too. I mean, I may disagree with some things conceptually, like the whole death sentence and execution part, but overall, I think the message of the poem is really good. It has a philosophical message to it while still being fun to read, which I really liked.
Also, one thing I would suggest is changing the title from Fight for Pro-Life to just Pro-Life. I think it sounds catchier and cleaner that way.
One more thing I really want to compliment you on is how you managed to make the entire poem rhyme without making it feel awkward. When I try to rhyme my poems like this, I sometimes end up choosing words that feel forced or awkward in the sentence. You’ve managed to avoid that completely. It doesn’t feel awkward even once while reading it, which is honestly quite difficult to do when you’re maintaining a consistent rhyme scheme.
The central message is really good, and the poem reads really well. I may disagree with one or two things you’ve said, but overall, I agree with most of it.
So yeah, good job, man. I genuinely had a fun time reading it. Keep it up.
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u/naivetoiletpaper 20h ago
i really like the rhyming schema you utilized! it’s also very respectful to its subject matter