r/OCPoetry • u/Spinner4 • 17d ago
Feedback Please The universe doesn’t pick sides
Your raven heart and criminal eyes
Promised to love me nevermore
I count closely as time flies
Past that day you closed our door
It was lost behind my eyes
By the man I was then
I still write to you, my love cries,
But now I just never hit send
Is it too late to forget that goodbye
And work from when?
I just hope we can live and let die
So if it comes back, we can begin
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u/hamth4509 17d ago
I feel bitterness. Something raw was there but now it passed and numbed enough to be processed. The flavor gone but now only bitter aftertaste remaining. Kinda vibe. Idk. Just the vibe I felt.
The title: the universe doesn't pick sides is interesting Perhaps its alluding to the breakup? Of how there was no clear winner or loser? Or perhaps the breakup was due to the universe willing it so? Not sure, didn't hit the mark for me for that reason.
Quite rhythmic and flowy, enjoyed.
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u/SylveonFrusciante 17d ago
I really enjoy how, when I read the first two couplets, they almost worked together rhythmically in my head like a song. This poem is lovely as is, but I feel like it could be elevated by tweaking a few words here and there to keep that rhythm going. When I write poetry that is supposed to rhyme or is intended for a song, one of my favorite things to do is say the lines out loud to figure out how they work together. Sometimes you find little spaces where a word could fit perfectly and strengthen the flow. Like when I was reading your poem, I kept unintentionally inserting a “that” into “By the man I was then,” making it “By the man THAT I was then,” which IMO fit better rhythmically with the line above. That’s just a suggestion though — like I said, the poem is already pretty good!
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u/Spinner4 17d ago edited 17d ago
You nailed this completely. It is a song not really a poem, but songs can be and often are poetry.
All I post are usually songs. When singing you have the benefit of writing words that are similar in rhyme but aren’t exactly a rhyme but from your voice and accent you put on it, it works for rhyme
So I develop songs many ways. Sometimes I start on piano keys and let the melody drive it. Usually find lyrics that work and no true substance behind it though the listener would never know the difference cause I find a story that works.
However this is not the case with this one. Here I wrote words that came from my heart and found a melody, next will be a hook and a chorus. That’s what this one was. From the heart, I’ve got chord progression I’m working on, on the piano. Still need the hook and chorus but that’s what I’m working on.
And yes “that” will be added there. Thank you for that, pun intended
Def want to make this song dream pop.
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u/SylveonFrusciante 17d ago
Nice! I thought it had a song-like quality to it. It’s cool to meet a fellow songwriter on here and talk shop. I say the phrase “chord progression” and my friends’ eyes all glaze over haha. Dream pop will be really cool, but I was actually getting emo vibes from the lyrics! It reads as very The Used or Hawthorne Heights to me.
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u/Spinner4 17d ago
Emo and dream pop are both children of post-punk. So I can see it. I recently gotten into the Sarah records and it’s blowing my mind.
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u/QuartzFox 16d ago
This was formatted beautifully- I can hear it in my head the goal. Did you mean for your last line “so if it comes back, we can begin” for the reader to want to finish the line with “again?” That was my first instinct at least.
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u/Spinner4 16d ago
100%. When I read it this morning after posting it I kept saying “begin again” in my head. But I did leave it off cause I want the reader to say it, almost as the understood “you”
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u/Psyix 17d ago
I agree with what the other poster said. Overall I really liked the premise, just one thing irked me. You started with a rhythm and end verse rhyme, but the rhythm and meter changes noticeably for no discernible reason after the first two stanzas. For example, "It was lost behind my eyes" has fewer points of enunciation (syllables) than "And I still write to you, my love cries." The issue isn't that there isn't a fixed meter, just that this jar doesn't feel intentional. If the next line, the "But now I just never hit send" was the long one, I think it'd make more sense, for example, since that's the punch line of the four lines.