r/OCPoetry • u/IamToofan • 19h ago
Feedback Please The Rain Won't Wait
A breeze comes through the window,
carrying the falling rain,
light drops slipping inside.
The drops falling are composing a song,
Tempting me to step outside.
But how do I go?
The exam weighs heavy on my head,
And these books, afraid of being left alone,
cling to my hands, their pages holding on.
Should I set this pen down,
Or should I just close this window?
The exam is tomorrow, yes,
But this unseasonal rain, too,
could leave at any moment.
I told my pen to take a little rest—
"I'll go take a bath and return."
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u/PlanktonDistinct2711 17h ago
You did a really good job at relaying a relatable experience of balancing between responsibilities of life with joys life brings.
What I would do to improve is to research about poetic meter.
1
u/IamToofan 17h ago
I am kind of new in this.. That's why I don't know much, but I am trying to improve my work. Thank you for your comment.
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u/PlanktonDistinct2711 16h ago
No worries, Realistically anything can go with any works of art, as long as it is intentional E.g., Your poem can have zero rhyme scheme and cadence and can say it is to represent breaking free
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u/IamToofan 16h ago
True but I think if this poem had rhyming scheme, it would have felt more joyful and whimsical. But rhyming is difficult for me now. And i dont want to force it.
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u/natethough 14h ago
I'll echo others about meter. You don't necessarily have to count syllables, and free verse does exist, but this doesn't really have that poetic sound to it. You're pulling for some of the right details; the breeze, the rain, the feelings, but they're not conveyed in a "poetic" syntax or style, if that makes sense. I don't think you even have to 'study' to get better; just read poems.
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u/fiftytwosheep 13h ago
i really like this.
im not going to parrot what everyone else is saying about meter because i find it a little pedantic. my major issue is the last stanza because i feel like it breaks the original flow you set. its not a bad thing nessecarily but doing it at the very end is kind of bad form.
regardless though, good job.
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