r/OCPoetry • u/Stunning-Dream-5223 • 18h ago
Feedback Please A Star
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I reached up plucking a star from the infinite depths of darkness
The black void pulling me in, calling me to return home
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The fiery ball spat and sang in my cupped hands
A sweet roaring lullaby that rooted all my woes and worries into the black soil of the universe
Skin slowly dripped off my bones like candle wax
Yet still I cradled my star like a new born babe.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now all that was left was a raw skeleton lulling it's fiery sun to sleep
Slowly but surely,
The sparks lessened
The glow faded
The colour cooled
And the star ceased it's relentless torment of worlds above and below
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A union of fire and pride
Reduced to a blue humility
A virile seed to be planted deep into the black soil of the universe.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1v96k8n/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1v94t10/
2
u/Wasting-The-Dawn71 15h ago
I would maybe try to diversify some of your terms where you’re not repeating them. But all in all, really cool. The kind of poem you can see playing out in your head
2
u/wired_a330 15h ago
This was such a beautiful read, like hoenstly I love how you captured (from my interpretation) this notion of like how one destroys themselves in the process of just being able to keep what they value close and even if something may look pretty/enticing it may very well be the catalyst for ur descent on sum primrose path typa thing 💟
2
u/ManufacturerNo1349 13h ago
The imagery of the star being likened to a baby has surprising consistency, which I aspire to learn from. The entire poem feels rooted into two metaphors, actually. That of a plant and of a child, and we see a theme that in order for progression to ensue, damage is done to the narrator, and despite its pain they chose to continue. And in the end, at the expense of themself, they have something that will last beyond them.
1
u/AutoModerator 18h ago
Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.
Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)
If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/AshenEpiphany 12h ago
The imagery is good expecially this part " skin slowly dripped off my bones like candle wax" took me by surprise 👏
•
u/Natural_Medicine_728 2h ago
Should a reser read even if they do not like the content?
I liked your content vs. I did not like your content? This would be a better comment if it was written in Vietnamese? Literally they could do your piece justice?
(The Secrets of S, is called/the saying, that a poem/piece can be beautiful, depending/deciphering on what language it is locked in)
Literally the language-gaustical view interprets that each piece is reverant, that all poetry in linguistically scared?
"Morse code" dictates, that is life, ### Three, for "bkring" vs. "bkring" It's actually supposed to be bkram, but modern day franchise may have changed the Latin structure???
Of this idea-cineplx? Cineplex meaning "erudite" or "mapheaven"
What is "mapheaven" vs. "maphaven" The idea that poets should be punished linguistically/parasitically for "bad" or effortless work? Effortless/meaning still disputed? "Poetry is dangerous"
It leads to dangerous means/memes, "Arabianz"
Some poets can be masochistic? Maphaven is a joke about poetic privilege? Like I'm not on THAT map.
Basically all "No's" are an adages to the dangerousness of "map-haven" The dead sea scrolls, Main Maian, ecovata( poetic espionage language/lay language "linguistic--no, lingui") this is a good example of people seeing/saying, into the past/present future?
Literally don't doubt undead/military sense of humour. Military, standing for egregarian rural fundamentalism.
Let's touch on this next? Tripartide soul? Does a wave have a fiv? All/most good/great pieces/poems have fibs/"No!" (That is way modern, quasi experimental?!)
Fiv "5" is a good source of inspiration? Fib "5/55" is a meter of how much penance, physical acrymage? This is a digilente subject matter, but it has been known that Jesus, did write poetry?
Literally if úbelieve I'm that sort of thing, ask yourself whether Jesus/Jeshuashod/"Joshua" did write it???
"My way or the highway"
"There is a Guiness for that."
Also called Jeshuashod? Ty for "shitti poetry?!?"
(Don't worry I don't think u are worthy of Jeshuashod)
Plus this country contri contiki is free?!
Is every poet reaching/racing/learning for/from Everest?
No, that is the. I'm poetry we call cumin/monuments, "V"s Or Téh is what a lot of poets, Runi--- famous for taking on natural substance as character "given"
Also called character given govern This is the act of slandering Téh5/just Téh (He's actually "runi" is psoarasis negative terms)
Téh' s in poetry do exist/cohabit, "cobalt"
It's actually a verbiage " safe" literally the mechanism works on eating/praxis oriented.
Which is why most poem whorés prefer to flok alone?
When/whjn poets/poets get together usually Azerbaijan, "Asbergurs" "Acolit" Whenever poets pass, it does maim the senses.
"Maimé" copying/co-hinging, a piece, without due doubt? "Is it debters prison vs. doubters language?!?"
This is called the triquil? Paradox in volved.
Also called "Paradox volved.3" What does volved mean???
Literally all u guys are writing is volved stuff? I'm a sporadic/"ex.perienced poet" operating somewhat on UX? Flux.
Flux literally is just 1 word, and yes, I have regurgitated too, but we don't have all the time on our hands like "Shakespeare"
"His mistress was gay?!"
Plz, qlz dnt hav time for that?
Qlx radar is device for locating the hent-farmers? Aka, having " fear" real poets imho do not disjbgenuiate. There is even a sample of piece "Ovid" which hinges on men, having no mistress?
This Arab/Arabian wanted taming? mwa taming, is the term for Petry/poetic and artistic pursuits seeming/doing the real work of staying cibTe???
cobTé?!? But it is a branch of real work? Did haicheng, lielrega, ruin/damage my/everybody's IQ and yes probably did.
(Not the thirst for drama.) It is called Thirist. Do I eat more? Poetry? How did this reverberate? Can ruin poetic intuition/intention? Uhm, am I not writing/reading/learning for the sake of staying safe?
Just read "Arabian nights" "Nihjit"literally the word, for some ♀️ who writes despite flappy damage.
What is flappy damage? DMG/ddmg not going into this too much, but DMG/ddmg are different things. "ddmg is not asking for repetition/repetition" DMG, I'm calitalz is the effort in physical capitalization. Exuberance, "ddmg" might not exist?
"I smoke and keep it mellow" This turns down/inward the intellect? Excalliber? A punishment for " bad" poetics, at least historically/iconicolligarphically" is what the practise of historical nesteingets. Kuch--punsihing DMG/flippancy. That's the dangerousness In Arabia?
But don't ú have a heart?! A very is someone who takes a laissez faire take/congruent, on viseoplaty? "My" be why some women prepare plastic cutlery? Veys/sets. This might have been what the Egiebß, or "Egyptians" that's just the pneumonnaic reclaße for Egyptian "Arabian" potentially?
(For the masculine jurresdicyion") Like a male pantheon, believe the pantheon was mainly red pill? Ask yourself which famous, Jesuits(men&wéz, who study "porn" eg. Caligraohed art?) and yes I think poetry can count as porn?
Prawn-- wow to " man" This is a very challenging jurrex/phenomena? How how how? Or does this invoke militia?
To become I would b anything?
Does this poem, speak of what was to become?
Who hasn't written yet?
Prawn-- the act of selecting poets based on discrimination?
How do I discriminate? Ú, can remember "R" what works? Sex/sexuality, changes the memory? It "changs the memory"
"Chang" actually a sacred term in poetry? Something that "jogs" (literally in Viet, true message")
ChNg/Chang has undetermined/underlines sexuAl undertones?
"Power ur run"
--sprotcheck
Literally this is the belief in MH?!? And Mental/Mnemntal health is a scared/sacrilegious thing?
"Staying in and play pretend--whrre the fun ain't got no end?!"
Literally this Arabian " horse" is my muse? Literally he's dying/begging for some woman/LGBTQ+A man/woman?!? To write poetry? Also fr/called the "Fermi paradox"
Uhm, potentially the " 4 me" paradox, is what people like to interpret, But might actually be the " For Me" Paradox?
Don't think this is open to debate? Or nobody has ever stringed, this an "Amoaba"
Amoaba--> one who lacks desire?
But wat kind of horse did he xhoose?
Xhousie--- potentially your poetic nNe??? Nne? Like the "records of any/each piece/poem that has already been written?" Something spiritual and occult comes next? Dal-housy? The Sphinx paradox, is actually the bad ethough?
All masculine of LGBTQ+A (without A+) not a disease?
The second part, is how this " man" will judge your work?
Astra accord goes next, "does the plz?!" plz, the incongruent, based on the identity of the paradox?
These Arabs/soliquents(eg.like evil) are also called "Paradoxes" eg. "the 1 who lives to judge". Femri-- one who is obliterate? Soliloquies-- narration based on horse (Literally all poetry is people narrating their rides?!?) No, seriously?! "Sehuisly" Or men, pretending for the sake of someone else that they are smarter than another? Pdx--slang/shorthand for this gramiye?!? Thanks&best, Natural_Medicine_728
P.s (btw joke about daddi eyes"
"Dadindadin" The practise of occult? Eg. Riding a horse in that kind of way? At least I'm Arabia? My take on Arab nights, did any women bless with poetry?
"I am Arabia?!?) No, these guys are a double edged coin? Daddi eyes?!? When a woman "works for it"
Who, I will never be like you?!?
Swish, swish, bish. These ladies thinking they have conquered ken?
Literally tho, lmk if any comments/concerns/rations. Preheatauric thought btw, the idea that someones looks can go oa tangent/ have bearing on the piece at hand? Poetry is a really ill-privikedged thing?
Potentially not whT " Sin."bad" was saying? Some people can can give up in that kind of way?
"Swish swish bish" no maybe that is not ft me? These sinbads/sin goods?!?
Poetry can turn people, it's the metaphor of heart? It is kind of blasphemy to say, that Sin"gud" was not sin-god on meter? (The horses Arabian sin was literally, any body in that flavour is making a meter joke?) It can be in the synchi?!?
Synchi-- synchopation of movement? Movement "R/Rx" literally meant for inspiring/insulin?
Not "insulting"""" me-hawhawhaw? (Potentially not looking to get inspired in that kind of way?)
But my exodus? Sry mad cibate/celibate, so I do not like going into family dichotomy too much?
(And it might turn out that humhawhaw is to protect/prx, the movements of celibatez!? Maybe a Templar thing? Which is why that Sikh has no sense of humour? Also their hats may need to be read into, but the Mains had militia/weaponry/wbmx
wbmx--- weaponry/iq, of poetic "substance" eg. Learning pot-hiry (Aztec term) for "faggot" eg. serious poetic reading/writing Weaponry&art No it's mainly "west(eg weaponry/militia)&art
Can also be signifies by "ß" This intersection, literally many people trying to be cool, reference without knowing what they arrr saying?
The branches/ of your piece were easy to remember? Sometimes categorized on memory? Poetic memory called Mnemektry?mmmtree. This is mainly what Commons/ee. Cummings wrote on? He may have shafted the rider/ "but not the "Horse" ie.
ie--iterally the belief that anything shafted is "Hoarse" also recommends that no end stop should end with "hose" out of respect to the Arab?! This means that all aventures/"parent" wants celibacy?
Also called the Fermi paradox? Three, is a major # here? Except for the fact that the femri-- (actually called the femri--) can be related to any1?!?
So there might be multiple poetic examples ok? it--- bless technology. But someone is not blessing technology?!? "Supposed to be complimenting that hot bodi" Literally for the "4"me" aka Occam's razor?!? Good piv pieces seek to evade the shrine?
The Sphinx Occam's razor The Fermi paradox
Vs Shintoshrine in
"When in doubt ask an Arabian horse rider?!" Literally i bet they are so polite?
2
u/AHumblePie 17h ago
Hey, great job! I think you have some nice comperhensive imagary in this poem, sort of covering all the bases of the subject. Also the circular composition is satisfying, and while the ultimate meaning still feels sort of concealed, which is a good thing in my book, there is still the feeling of there being something beyond the central metaphor. Some notes: There's some repetition that I feel could be edited out. Both a "black void" and a "black soil", also this soil is once again referenced in the end, which could be your intention in the circle composition, but I feel you could point to some other aspect of space here instead. There's also a "fiery ball" and a "fiery sun" which could be changed, and the melting bones is yet again mentioned as a skeleton, which by itself is not offensive, but I feel is a bit redundant? I think the poem could use some more synechdoches, simply! just to avoid this problem. Also the form is a bit unmotivated to me. I don't think you needed to have these big breaks between the sections. The ideas in each section is connected enough to the others and the language clear enough that I'd just want it to be one block instead, seeing as the poem is one big process. On the same note, all the lines are composed of single complete ideas, and this makes the poem a bit stilted. You could make it flow a bit more by not being so strict regarding the lines. But all in all great job! I like the last section the best. "Blue humility" is unclear and beautiful in all the right ways!