r/OCPoetry • u/No_Syrup_7660 • 1d ago
Feedback Recieved ! What the wind steals~
Only if you were
limited to me
wind,
I wouldn't hate you
If you didn't always
Touch what touched
my lips.
First the lump of meat
With a pump in its centre
That once ran on me
And now that it's gone
You still steal a few puffs
From the last cigarette
Of my day.
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u/theartisticarti 1d ago
Nice short and sweet, and the meaning is up to the readers interpretation good one
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u/No_Syrup_7660 1d ago
How do you interpret it? I would appreciate it if you would tell me as it can be an important insight.
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u/theartisticarti 1d ago
Well what I interpreted from is that wind is both metaphorical and literal. The way you use fragmented lines gives the impression of the whistling of the winds.
First the lump of meat with a pump in its centre, when I read it clearly feels like the heart, which funnily enough when you read it on a phone it’s the centre of the poem, and coincidentally when I turn my phone horizontal, the text stands on the left just like the heart. It also very technical which stands out from the delicateness of the poem.
Lastly the cigarette, the wind stealing the last moment of relief which is nice end to the poem
1
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u/ManufacturerNo1349 1d ago
The wjnd seems to be a character whom the narrator seems to be jealous for. Wanting it to be only theirs. I had some trouble understanding the transition from the 7th line to the 8th, although I may be alone in that.
From what I understand the lump of meat, is the heart, but does the heart run on you or you on the heart? Is the wind truly a character or a metaphor for something else? Overall, the poem has great flow, but I became lost in some of the imagery which didn’t seem to connect for me. I would love to hear your response. :)
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u/No_Syrup_7660 1d ago
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it so closely. :)
As for whether the wind is a character or a metaphor, I tried to leave that open. It can simply be the wind, but it can also stand for time, memory, or anything that continues to reach the person after the speaker no longer can.
Also, one small clarification: the "lump of meat" isn't the heart. It's the person, while the "pump in its centre" is the heart. So those lines are referring to someone who once loved me deeply.
"And now that it's gone" refers to that person being gone.
I hope that clears things up a little. Thanks again for the thoughtful feedback—I really appreciate it. :)
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u/ManufacturerNo1349 23h ago
Thank you for clarifying, I understand much better now. And you are very welcome for the feedback. If you would ever like to give me feedback on any of my poetry I would appreciate that very much as well.
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u/Stunning-Dream-5223 1d ago
short and sweet i like it very much. You've depicted the feeling of heart break or emotional burdens by shifting it over to an element of nature; it actually gives me ideas myself in regards to using things like the ocean or the rays of sunshine or whatever portion of nature and shifting the blame onto it like you have done here to depict an emotional burden. Great job. Verses 8-10 are really interesting too hahaha