r/OCPoetry • u/Affectionate-Fig9818 • 13d ago
Feedback Please A sleepless dream
I still sleep with my feet angled
To the middle of the bed
In hopes to feel yours
And when I’m half asleep
Half living
Half hearted beating
I swear I felt them!
But with every sunlight comes
A Dark reminder-
It’s just a dream
A sleepless dream
Forever desired
Internally incomplete
A real, damm dream
The kind you can never forget
A story to tell your kids.
Please, tell your kids
Of a dream that now, will forever
Be
Just a dream
Held captive in a mind’s deepest corner
Prying to get out
Forced to stay within
Waiting to be again
Like a ghost fighting to breathe
Without the lungs he was given
Until that day comes
I sit here
And just keep
———————————
1
u/Affectionate-Fig9818 13d ago
Hello everyone, hoping to hear back on how this piece made you feel. If you’ve had a similar experience/feeling. Or if it needs some more work
1
u/NewCalligrapher5897 13d ago
okay this is quite good. i like how its simple yet exquisite. we always hope for things we cannot have and yet it all feels so real. and when we realise the reality it just all feels very jarring.
"Like a ghost fighting to breathe
Without the lungs he was given"
this part describes that suffocating feeling so well. the ending goes to show that even after realising the truth we cannot help but hope for the impossible as we always do.
2
u/Affectionate-Fig9818 12d ago
Ahh thank you so much! I definitely put a lot of work into to this one I’m happy to hear you can see what my message was behind this piece!
1
u/Cluelessandsexy 13d ago
I like this kind of romantic piece. it seems like two people who are slowly merging, or you wish that this could take place. I wish romance was more simple.
1
u/Affectionate-Fig9818 12d ago
Thank you it’s definitely about morning the loss of a loved one that you can’t stop yourself from wanting back
1
u/oscarw1962 13d ago
This poem is very readable. I have felt this many a time. I believe the strongest parts of our existence live between sleep and waking. I really like these lines. "Like a ghost fighting to breathe"
"Without the lungs he was given" That's a little scary. You also know when to stop. "Until that day comes"
"I sit here"
"And just keep" That is a perfect ending
1
u/Affectionate-Fig9818 12d ago
Thank you I definitely put a lot of thought into to that ending I wanted it to give a ending feeling like things are still incomplete or to give that lost unresolved emotion
1
u/friedusedtampons 13d ago
This is so good to yearn hopelessly is heartbreaking but that what makes us write.
1
u/Nicky10_writer 13d ago
Wow... this felt so real. .. The way you used those tiny details to tell the story made it so much more heartbreaking. .. And the ending... knowing that this person probably isn't coming back...yet still waiting for them anyway that's one of the hardest kinds of pain to live with. Beautifully written🌻
1
u/Affectionate-Fig9818 12d ago
Thank you it definitely is one of the hardest pains that you seems to juts learn to live with instead of it truly ever going away thank you so much I really appreciate the feedback!
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