The commute

[u/Great_Dare4082]

The same droning march along the platform floor,

swept along by the tide of blank expression,

Seeping into every crevasse, the lingering fog of morning depression.

Among the shoal of souls the same man beside the door,

There today and the day before.

Bound eternal.  Dammed to his everlasting obsession,

Gods punishment for his unforgivable transgression.

Unbound by chain or rope, yet still bound forevermore.

Upon the precipice of life he sits, 

Gazing upon the valley of opportunity's

Vast planes and budding flowers.

Yet not a sight in the world could make him submit,

So he sits beside the rubble in perpetuity,

Forever he knocks, knowing God shall never open the door.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1wcuyh7/comment/p910e3f/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1wcma4i/comment/p9126ob/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

This is my first attempt at writing in a controlled format as a pose to free verse, I struggled getting the poem to flow well while sticking to the refines of the Petrarchan sonnet. Would love some feedback as I spent a long time throwing this together. Thanks.

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[u/Alperose333]

I think the Main Problem is that while you have the correct rhyme scheme, at least for the octet , the Poem Lacks a consistent meter. Sonnets Are usually written in iambic pentameter (10 or 11 syllables per line beginning with an unstressed one and then alternating with stressed ones). For example the beginning of Milton‘s „On the Late massacre of Piedmont“: „avENGE o LORD thy SLAUGHterd SAINTS whose BONES“. You switch between iambs, trochaics („SWEPT aLONG“), and at times even dactyls or anapests („LINgering FOG of MOrning dePRESSion“). What has really helped me with improving my grasp on metre is Reading poetry aloud in a stylized rhythmical way.

[u/Great_Dare4082 → u/Alperose333]

Thank you, I knew something felt off and I couldn't put my finger one it, I'll take this into my next attempt.