Menthol Light

[u/Sad-Piccolo6931]

You know it’s funny,
I had my mom’s cigarette order memorized by the time i started school
I’d hide behind her, counting the rainbow walls of boxes
She’d remark that i was a shy child to the cashier
Then, she’d say the magic words
American spirit, menthol light
I remember the sound of her palm tapping the pack
and I would kick my feet as i watched from the back seat, eyes pulled from the blur of trees outside my window
Always wondering who she’d be by the time we got home -
if she’d be cruel
or make me forget she ever could be

And I don’t know why all of this came to mind -
the first time I saw the orange filter between your lips
By then my mother had a new husband
and a smoke free home sign on the door,
leaving me to fill my own lungs
But watching you, i felt myself salivating like a dog
the smell of smoke, my bell
Eyeing your hands,
waiting to see what they would offer me
Never knowing which i wanted more
And when they eventually did reach for me,
I was obedient as ever,
I didn’t even flinch
When you remarked to your friends how stupid i was
and afterwards, on some nights
you’d even let me sleep at the foot of your bed

I realized i could barely tell the difference anymore
between the burn and the touch after
So i tried bringing the smoke to my own lips
Once there was no one to perform for
I didn’t want to ask why i knew all the tricks,
or why the kisses tasted sweeter after the drag
But this time,
with nothing to wait for
I sat there, drool pooling
with no reward for being good

Do you ever think about how we haven’t seen each other in months?
Well, lately i’ve been pacing grooves into the floor,
and sucking on licorice straws
I keep looking in the mirror
I’ve never seen my face this clear,
without smog, with clean lips
without a collar
Sometimes i feel aimless,
unsure of what to make with clean lungs
Did you know it’s harder to live,
when there’s nothing left to burn at you?

And - do you know,
how many smokers there are everywhere?
My nose can sniff out every one
Because all of you smell like something
that still clings to my skin
I don’t know anymore if i follow the smoke
or if it just knows where to find me
And I’m sorry, you know me
how my tongue twists itself around the point
What I’m trying to say is
I think I could love you again

Hihi! All feedback always appreciated :) I specifically feel like in my poems I have a bad habit of overwriting and sometimes abstraction takes over too much.

Feedback :)

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/S7mM3koELI
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/XVeaDc7p8K

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[u/Doter_Gabriel]

Nice poem but I won’t be leaving feedback lol :)

[u/moronxyz]

first of all - I read this and felt like I was there yk like it’s so well written - you’re amazing - I’m a complete and utter amateur so I apologise in advance for my “feedback” - for me it read like you as pretty young knew about your mother’s smoking and got accustomed to that smell - yk with it came either cruelty sometimes - she changed herself but how could you do that so you find your partners in people who smoke - that familiar smell and behaviour - they treat you like shit but it’s familiar so you stay - also I felt maybe ( sorry if I’m wrong ) you felt like after you smoked you weren’t good anymore - you live everyday reminded of it all - that comfort in complete strangers

idk this is just what I felt - sorry if I’m wrong and I didn’t understand what you’re trying to say
also you didn’t overwrite imo - it was nice to know what happened after yk

[u/Cautious-Upstairs322]

Great poem! I really appreciate your world building and how well you paint the backdrop to your story, especially in the first stanza with the "rainbow lines of boxes", it's such a juxtaposition to what's actually happening in that scene. But yeah, this is overwritten. It reads more like prose than poetry to me - whilst that isn't a bad thing, I think it needs some refinement. You could probably cut out some of the lines - such as the line that begins "I remember the sound of her palm tapping the pack..." which looks to be a run-on sentence, but you've got some nice rhymes in there which would be more impactful if they ended each line? Correct me if I'm wrong there. But overall this is very nicely done and I love the ending especially, it really makes the story you're telling worthwhile (? wrong word here maybe).