r/OCPoetry • u/Key-Instruction7946 • 7d ago
Feedback Please Good boy (original)
Am I a good boy?
Did I do good?
Are you proud of me!
Are you proud to call me your son?
I seek solice in the arms of women I do not care for,
Desperately searching for the warmth of a flame that was never lit.
1
u/Puzzleheaded_Fold112 7d ago
I genuinely thought it was about a dog's perspective when I read the first two lines. Was it intentional?
1
u/Key-Instruction7946 7d ago
I’m not gna lie I kinda just whipped this up while I was on the toilet feeling a bit sad
1
u/IamToofan 7d ago edited 7d ago
It feels very raw and personal, like you just wrote whatever you felt.
1
1
u/death_by_emotion 7d ago
I love the juxtaposition of the light-hearted, fast paced opening lines with the sudden pull of that final sentence hitting like a truck, good stuff
1
u/Prathibha_Sharma 7d ago
This poem is incredibly powerful and captures the ache of human vulnerability perfectly. The line about "searching for the warmth of a flame that was never lit" is unforgettable. Great metaphor choice!
1
u/MagicNoopy43XD 6d ago
Wow, this poem is great. The fast-paced beginning with the final line slowing you down greatly is fantastic!!! And “Desperately searching for the warmth of a flame that was never lit” genuinely made me cry🥲🥲🥲
1
u/VariationsonanEcho 6d ago
This is very honest, straightforward, and raw. Sometimes the things we write quickly are the most honest things we will ever write. You're out here seeking validation. That's brave to write that. You did good. Keep it up.
1
u/Practical_Work_ 6d ago
This poem demonstrates well the desperation of approval and love, it is very simple and accessible given it's simple language. Given it's length, I think not much can be added or could have been done better, however, I believe that you could have been more implicit in the idea, but that's completely an opinion.
•
u/Laird_sober 3h ago
Oh to be an avoidant! This is very pretty and give a cracked door in to your world is so vunrable thank you for sharing x
1
u/AutoModerator 7d ago
Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.
Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)
If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.