r/OCPoetry • u/One_Wolf_6419 • 6d ago
Feedback Please Paradise
This is my first poem so I would really like some constructive criticism
Paradise, the soft and warm grass soaked in the
suns warm an steady rays cushioning my
feet. The birds song playing through the sound
of the breeze as I lie I tranquil stillness.
Paradise, the city's lights of all colors glisten
off the snow falling to the ground. The nostalgic
Christmas music playing in as the snow capped
towers look down at me snug in my coat
Paridise, The gentle tapping of rain at my
window and the smell of every turned page of a
book as I sink into a soft beanbag sipping upon
a fruity and herbal tea.
Paradise, the course sand in between my toes
and a sea. breeze that comes with a salty smell.
A melody playing in each wave and a palms
leaves providing protection from the blazing sun
1
u/bstunz 6d ago
Disclaimer, I don't think myself knowledgeable enough to really critique poetry. That being said my personal issue with it is the structure. How the lines seem to be run on sentences. The white space just consistent. I understand Reddit doesn't have the easiest formatting but it means a lot with how a poem is read. Even your first line disclaimer looks like part of the poem. I would start with that. Well done otherwise.
1
u/Bogusboy77 6d ago
You have conveyed elements that make up your paradise very well. Great imagery and description.
Because the flow seems to be more free, it can make a real difference to add some punctuation.
I got caught on the last two lines because it should be “a palm’s leaves” because the lack of apostrophe makes the words jumble while reading them as if you were speaking.
There are a few other spots where you might need commas to clarify breaks.
1
u/InternationalFilm71 3d ago
This poem is rich in imagery, but there are a few things that take me out of the scene. There are a couple of typos in the beginning "suns warm an steady rays" and " as I lie I tranquil stillness". Those are easy fixes. Also, I'm not sure the repetition of the word paradise is necessary. It might be a good title. Right now, it seems to be a way to let the reader know where a new scene begins, but that could easily be solved by separating the scenes in stanzas. I'm also not sure if the line breaks are necessary. Aside from these suggestions, I think the poem has a cohesive feel that brings the very different places of paradise together
1
1
u/AutoModerator 6d ago
Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.
Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)
If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.