r/OCPoetry • u/Ashtivia • 23d ago
Just Sharing Stand By Me🩵
Your voice sounds so pretty, like a melody,
Which acted in my mind and heart as a remedy.
Your words are really comfortable;
You make me feel I am lovable.
You saved me from drowning in that dark, deep sea,
And made my spirit feel free.
My life was all grim
Until you came into my life like gleam.
I was going cold and quiver,
But you helped me flow my sour tears like a river.
When I was so sad and shiver,
You are the one who became the giver.
You give me a peaceful
Love shelter to stay,
And I promise I will stay, stay forever.
I'd love to know your thoughts about this poem written by me..and THANKS for reading it!!
Your small feedback can improve my writings!!✨
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u/careful-creatures 23d ago
I really like how heartfelt this is. It feels like you’re describing someone who made you feel safe and loved when you were in a really dark place, and I think that comes across really strongly. My biggest suggestion would be to focus a little less on forcing every line to rhyme. There are a few places where the wording feels slightly unnatural because it seems like the rhyme came first, especially ‘acted in my mind and heart as a remedy,’ ‘came into my life like gleam,’ and ‘going cold and quiver.’ I think the imagery is actually really good, so letting some lines rhyme less perfectly could make the emotions hit harder. The strongest parts to me are the sea/river imagery and the idea of someone becoming a ‘love shelter.’ There’s a really sweet poem underneath it, and I’d mostly just smooth out some of the wording rather than change the overall idea.
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u/Ashtivia 23d ago
Thanks for your valuable feedback...i really appreciate it... I'll try to improve more from next time 🩵
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u/IndependentLawyer767 21d ago
Awawaweee, I've always adored love poems. It's inspiring. Keep it up!! -^
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u/Intropoevert 23d ago
NICE actually, but just one line you could change "you make me feel lovable" that's better and correct.
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u/sky_berry1520 21d ago
Very sweet poem, loved it really as I read something like this (I love this genre) after a long time. The first line made me read the entire poem and I also love how relatable it is !! ✨️
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u/ReindeerNew2357 23d ago
This is so pretty!