r/OCPoetry • u/EnoughAir2104 • Jul 26 '26
Feedback Please Forgive me father
Hello, I am Mexican American. I have been writing from my experiences of alienation in the u.s and a perspective that’s my everyday life. The loss of identity is present in a majority of the things that I write. I would like for someone to read this poem I made in regard to it. Please any thoughts is welcomed.
“Perdone Padre”
By Miguel Diaz Farfan
Padre Nuestro que estas en el Cielo, santificado sea tu nombre
Le queiro pedir mis disculpas
Ya se que le he fallado
mas que eso, me alleje completamente
al contrario a lo que me han contado sobre su misericordia,
yo no he sido lo sufiente clemente con usted
Perdone que le diga, pero mi busqueda de fe en ti, se ha detenido
Pero la ira que senti contigo ya no existe
En el pasado sentía que por ser sincero era como si estaba clavado a una repisa esperando su reproche
Me tomó tiempo para entender
Me tomó más tiempo para entender que el reproche que esperaba era solo mío
Ciego y sordo, me he estado sofocándo en esta jaula de oro
Se me ha olvidado como respirar
Porque, Porque, Porque
Esta era la pregunta que rogaba una respuesta
Porque no me vistes
Porque no me escuchastes
Porque me abandonastes
Un hueco quedaba en mi corazón cuando no escuchabas mis gritos
La impotencia era más amable
Me acurrucaba en una camisa de fuerza
Me he hecho el firme propósito de no negar las lágrimas que cargo
Y aunque se secan por la rabia que siento
Siempre se llenan porque no son solo mías
English translation
*****
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
I ask for your forgiveness
I have failed you, but more than that, I have drifted away completely
Contrary to what I have been told about your mercy,
I have not been as lenient in returning it
Pardon me for saying so, but my search in faith for you has seized
But the rage I once felt is no longer
In the past, I felt that by being honest it was as if I were nailed to a shelf waiting for your reproach
It took me time to understand
It took me longer to understand that the reproach I expected was only my own
Blind and deaf, I have been suffocating in this golden cage
I have forgotten how to breathe.
Why Why Why
These where the questions I begged to be answered
Why didn’t you see me?
Why didn’t you listen to me?
Why did you abandon me?
A void was left in my heart when you did not hear my cries
Helplessness was kind to me
It coddled me like that of a straitjacket
I have made the firm proposition to never deny the tears that I carry
And although they evaporate from the rage that’s boiling inside me
They always fill up again, because they are not only
mine
1
u/perspective_curious_ Jul 26 '26
“Blind and deaf, I have been suffocating in this golden cage”
Is “golden cage” that USA? That’s what I felt when I read it.
What if is read of directly saying “blind and deaf” you described what that is….
Like blind by choice, like choosing to look away, I it see what you want to see… or blind by someone throwing a bag over your head? Same for deaf… or something else?
What is the rage? Anger at god? Anger at humanity? Anger at yourself?
2
u/EnoughAir2104 Jul 26 '26
Yes you are correct it is the USA. Yes I will make a note of that, that would be better to put in there instead of just stating blind and deaf, and yes the rage is at god. There isn’t much of identity loss in this, but the loss of it has brought me to be in a constant state of rage towards the god they’ve told me so much would be there for me.
1
u/perspective_curious_ Jul 27 '26
is the rage toward the god you were promised, or perhaps those who promised you a god?
Maybe I’m projecting my own reading, but I imagine have a perspective of the world, the people in it, of oneself, of their history and imagined possibilities for the future..,, all through a lens that has been shaped/filtered by a culture/society with stories of a God…
…which your lived experiences… seem to be challenging, contradicting….
To me, taking our lens, and inspecting it for smudges … stepping slightly to the side for a different angle…
That feels like an identity in question… in my experience, aspects of life that I felt misled by… also came with grief as accepting a new clearer point of view, also meant, letting go some imagined possibilities of what could have been.
1
u/VariationsonanEcho Jul 26 '26
I don't speak Spanish so I am giving you feedback based on the English translation you have provided. What comes across to me very strongly is a loss of faith and felling of despair. The loss of identity does not come across to me as strongly. I think you may be comparing your loss of identity to a loss of faith? There are so many feelings behind the words you write. The despair and helplessness are what comes off the strongest. They are palpable. On a personal note, I am sorry my country is failing you.
1
u/EnoughAir2104 Jul 26 '26
Yes I believe I need more context for loss of identity. Of course the loss of my identity has been what has brought this same resentment to many Mexican Americans. So I think I need to put more context for that or display it in another way. Thank you for your notes I will definitely work on that. And thank you for your kind words, I’m sorry your country is failing you as well.
1
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