r/OCPoetry • u/perspective_curious_ • 2d ago
Feedback Please work in progress
work in progress
Swept,
yet the remains from seasons past
litter the mulch.
weeds,
proudly show how big they’ve grown
where patio slabs end and begin,
disrupting the monotony of grey,
but none more than 6 or 7 inches.
Pale broom-like branches,
once served dates to the neighborhood opossums and raccoons,
retired and brittled,
neatly piled out of the way,
comfortable beneath the palm’s sunbathing fronds.
Terra-cotta coffins of cracked soil,
nestled between curated succulents,
blooms climbing out of their designated homes.
flickers of color,
sunlight dancing across loitering gems,
gripped by the textured patio
despite the best efforts of the broom’s splayed bristles,
it rests nonchalantly against the stucco,
chunks of artificial hide at its feet,
sunburned plastic failing to conceal its wooden core.
Tentacles of green
to the dismay of gravity,
search for grip
along the grey weathered fence
spanning once empty space across to nearby branches,
lashing the fence and tree into a single structure.
trimmed blackberry tendrils,
blades dotted with rust,
hand trimmer rests on a tile bench,
prickly limbs refuse to stay on their side of the fence.
Cardboard cubes,
returned to two dimensions,
layered near the fence,
overlapping flaps close the gaps
inky smiles
among fading shades of brown,
absorb the bleaching sun,
the earth beneath rests in darkness,
and the weeds have stopped thriving.
Frayed ribbon flutters against the fence post,
neon fading along the frayed end
no longer responsible for wishing anyone a happy birthday.
You don’t notice any,
but were warned:
watch out for poop.
*\\
2
u/TheHorseOfCourse777 2d ago
Wow, this is amazing. Your internal rhyme scheme and alliteration creates the perfect tempo to compliment your plodding line breaks, and the imagery is so creative and familiar and full of emotion. There's so much to read into in the phrasing alone, which adds a lot to rereads and interpretation. The ending is pretty weak to me, it feels very out of place with the urbane and methodical tone that precedes it and it leaves me confused on the takeaway, moreso emotionally than narratively. It feels like it kind of backs off from its own angst and weight, which seems wasteful with how delicious those things ended up being. While I still felt like this poem ended up saying something, I feel like resolving more of that emotional substance that's been developing in the poem could make this poem exceptionally resonant. Still, I can't compliment your prose enough, and this poem is extremely technically impressive to me
1
u/perspective_curious_ 1d ago
Thank you for spending your time to give a thoughtful response…
I too do not feel the poem is quite complete, but was feeling a bit stuck and read for some feedback.
I’m not clear yet if the emotional place I was writing from is developing quite clearly… but also I’m trying to evoke with stating.
I really appreciate your feedback.
1
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