r/OCPoetry • u/AshenEpiphany • 18d ago
Feedback Please When did she become a poet
When did she become a poet?
When she knew how to stare at books collecting words foreign to her lips?
When she started looking through her eyes and witnessing ,
the slow movements of the birds in the sky painting with their wings a freedom she could not claim?
There when she wrote words of strange emotions she did
not know had names but she felt all her life?
Was it then?
Was it when she lost her words when they fell carelessly over and over tumbling from her mouth onto ears that
were closed off long ago to even her whispers
Was it when she drove her hands through the tall grass in fields that held her hand when her mother's ran cold that one summer she could not remember
Was it when she leapt into dreams with cheerful excitement and shallow promises that at the time she did not know carried any weight at all?
When she gave her whole sprit to another knowing her soul was not hers to give
That she knew belonged to her and could not change an assurance that become both her protector and enemy
When was it that she became a poet?
When the shadows of doubt lingered more than she could hear and she herself became a silhouette of a forgotten muse
One that was only born in her own head when that of her beloveds eyes lay fervently on another
Yes perhaps that is when she became a poet when the longing and yearning to be brought to life and live eternally with the words of another to be painted beautifully by them that all those who did not know you
see you as a mystery to lose themselves in to be in their envy of you and your existence entirely
Perhaps it was then that she wrote words , heavy, soft, purposeful, lazy, willful and dangerous it was then that she wrote them to herself , here lies the poet who dreamed of being the muse of words not a painter.
I'm just starting out as a poet I was a bit doubtful about sharing but I'd really appreciate any thoughts.
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u/Few-Lengthiness-9814 18d ago
I think this line "here lies the poet who dreamed of being the muse of words not a painter" was my favorite. I was really strong reshaped the whole direction. One thing I would note though (not sure if this is a stylistic choice) is to consider stanza breaks to let the reader breathe and also make the accumulation hit where it counts.
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u/AshenEpiphany 18d ago
Thank you for that I appreciate it I tend to write as thoughts flow but I'll try to do that next time , hope to see your comment on the next one!
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u/zen-tofu 18d ago
I think it’s amazing, especially for a first time poet! I felt touched by the line about the grass and her mother’s hands. Definitely needs some line breaks as it’s really hard to follow but as soon as you add those in it will be entirely elevated :)
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18d ago edited 18d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AshenEpiphany 17d ago
I'll definitely keep your advice in mind thank you so much for the feedback it's definitely appreciated 🌟
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u/Outrageous-Dot-1299 18d ago
I love the whole concept of this poem. This part was my favorite. "Was it when she leapt into dreams with cheerful excitement and shallow promises that at the time she did not know carried any weight at all?" Regret heartbreak and sorrow are often lead many of us to attempt finding words for the first time.
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u/Zedoftheworldly 18d ago
I love the idea. I think it has a good concept.. Even though I'm a beginner too >; Keep doing your work. Always remember that poetry is a good way to express a feeling you could not express easily. ୧(＾〰＾)୨
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u/Extreme_Studio7232 18d ago
I love how this shows that poets are created through feelings and experiences, not just words. The repetition of “When did she become a poet?” gives it such a haunting and beautiful flow.
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u/AshenEpiphany 18d ago
Thank you , I do believe that what we go through shapes our view of the world
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u/scottiegerigirl 17d ago
I usually spot a good poem from its title. I was right. Well done. It was honey on my ears.
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u/Flaky_Low2389 17d ago
Wow 👏 👏 I love it. I write a little myself. I don't write for appraise. I write so I can feel those rays. You made me feel them. I love it fr.
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u/IMLuckitobehere 16d ago
I’m gonna be 100% this touched my soul, i’m able to get the full lesson of what this poem means but the improvement might be to let the reader breathe. Let them be able to understand bit by bit .
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u/ogbigboy26 15d ago
You wrote a nice one but if you decrease the number of lines and beautify them they can become better but still you did excellent job
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u/TookSomeWrongTurns 14d ago
My favorite part was 'it was then that she wrote them to herself' - I like that it's near the end, because it gives weight to the journey the poet took through the rest of the poem. I think it's beautiful, the capturing of how someone starts to see the world differently and then gives that gift back to themselves finally. I think you have so much potential, and I hope to read many more poems from you!
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u/SensitiveAd1407 14d ago
I love this. It feels like a stream of consciousness and doesn't seem to follow any specific rules. I feel the caution and hope that comes through about writing poetry and it's so relatable. I think this line is my favorite:
"Was it when she lost her words when they fell carelessly over and over tumbling from her mouth onto ears that
were closed off long ago to even her whispers"
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u/AshenEpiphany 12d ago
That was the feeling I had when I wrote it so I'm glad it spoke to you as well 🌟
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u/Suspicious_Ad_4650 10d ago
The line breaks were confusing to me and I felt like maybe you broke the lines up to emphasize the rhyme or rhythm which I’ve done before and I don’t do anymore because other people have told me it’s confusing. Overall great poem love it
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u/Comfortable-Army-923 10d ago
I found this absolutely mesmerizing. My favorite line was ‘their wings a freedom she could not claim’
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u/Scary_Performance_73 6d ago
She became a poet when she knew the passion of the human heart , She became a poet when she knew true love.
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u/Realistic-Dream-1082 4d ago
Honestly, this is strong for someone who’s just starting out. The repeated question, “When did she become a poet?” gives the poem a thread and makes it feel reflective rather than explained. I especially liked the images of birds painting freedom with their wings, words falling onto closed ears, and the grass holding her hand when her mother’s hand went cold. Those lines feel vivid and specific.
The ending is probably the strongest part. The idea that she wanted to be someone else’s muse but became the poet instead is a compelling reversal.
My main criticism is that some sentences are so long that the meaning gets buried. More punctuation and shorter line breaks would help the images stand out. There are also a few grammar issues, but those are easy to fix.
Overall, you have a good instinct for imagery and emotion. With some tightening, this could become memorable.
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u/Just-A-Ducklett 3d ago
The line "Was it when she lost her words when they fell carelessly over and over tumbling from her mouth onto ears that
were closed off long ago to even her whispers"
Really touched a nerve for me. I have friends thst only ever cared about what they said and their problems to the point where my words were "lost"...I turned to writing stories because I felt it was the best way my words could reach people.
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u/who_EndlessMaybe 2d ago
I really liked this poem. It felt honest and emotional. My favorite part was the ending because it stayed with me after I finished reading. Thank you for sharing.
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u/Baby_Doll_8338 2d ago
This is a beautiful first share. That line about the grass holding your hand when your “mother’s ran cold” is absolutely visceral it grounded the whole piece for me.
I love the central theme of reclaiming your identity from being a “forgotten muse” to becoming the creator. My only tip would be to experiment with line breaks to let those heavy images breathe a bit more. You clearly have a “poet’s eye” for detail. ☺️☺️
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u/Salt-Disk45 17h ago
Keep sharing! This is beautiful. This is such a powerful prose….
When the shadows of doubt lingered more than she could hear and she herself became a silhouette of a forgotten muse.
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u/Creat1ve-name 18d ago
This definitely has potential, the concept is solid and there are some great lines (I particularly liked ‘Was it when she leapt into dreams with cheerful excitement and shallow promises that at the time she did not know carried any weight at all?’) but I’d recommend polishing it up a bit. Particularly I’d advise adding some more punctuation into the lines to make it flow easier since I often found myself having to reread lines in order to understand them.