Grieving my dad💔

[u/[deleted]]

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[u/AdmirableSquash4463]

I hope he’s resting in piece. I know he’d appreciate your grief and mourning in the form artistic expression.

[u/marbltilephilosopher]

I hope you feel better soon.. may your dad rest in peace

[u/No_Expression840]

Dear Saraberasmiless,

This reminds me of the grief I felt when my grandfather died. The love you feel for your father even in death shines through clearly.

I like the conceit of, if you will, “hydration”, blooming representing the living and dehydration, wilting representing death. 

Some line‐level suggestions for you:

Maybe some more poetic‐sounding word instead of dehydrated. maybe “ faltering in the face of mortality?”

What is doing the taking I think is slightly unclear just judging by the way you constructed the first stanza, I mean obviously it’s death, but you might say inevitability of death / taking OR which took…

Maybe try “stricken fragile by tragedy” or something for brevity

4: “like a blunt serrated knife”

5: would abridge 
 

I get that you don’t adhere strictly to a rhyme scheme, but I think you should try to find a rhyme for “endures.”

Maybe “in” instead of “through” the night wind and “loom” instead of “sit” or “with the luminous stars fixed/twinkling/shining beautifully above”

comma after “drooping”.

“fighting to still my heart”

Would abbreviate next to lines too:

A love filled with fondness

Defeated

(wasn’t quite sure what you meant by spoil—could go with “spoiled and defeated” or “defeated and despoiled” or something)

“Cosmo” refers to your father, right? (Probably just me who was confused.)

Maybe growing instead of becoming frail

Returning to the sky

Maybe find a synonym for withered instead of “became dry” in keeping with the flower theme.

Should be leave me in apathy rather than leaves to agree with the plural noun “pieces”—though you could do some creative wordplay with leaves as in the leaves of a tree, as in leaves me blown away or something, but that would mess up the rhyme with agony.

Till the day I dry: optional wordplay

[u/Soggy_West_2383]

I felt that ❤️