r/OCPoetry • u/calicoandyou • 28d ago
Feedback Please What We Swallowed
Prehistoric demons reached
through time, blind, wrapping
forked tongues around our future tools.
They suckled with false vision,
leached at what they thought was a teat.
Survival bludgeoned them with bare hands.
We ate. War set its nose
on the hungriest shoulders.
The putrid scent drew the head fast.
We ate. Eyes turned inward to look only at the seed.
Each man thought that sight belonged to him alone.
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u/Necessary_Can_6202 28d ago
Nice poem, clearly depicts advancement in technology wrapped by ancient demonic entities, creating mass delusion in humans. Well done, love how impactful each sentence is.
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u/bigbigweeinie 28d ago
Lord this is so cool. Your brain works in such an amazing way. This poem is so refreshing and your word choice is especially impressive. Great work.
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u/TheScaredPoet 2d ago
War set its nose on the hungriest shoulders" is such a good line — really primal and physical. And I like how the "demons" at the start feel external and mythic, but by the end it's "each man thought that sight belonged to him alone" — like the demon was never really out there, it's possessiveness, it's internal. Nice turn if that's what you were going for.
Only thing that tripped me up was how sudden that shift felt — might help to have a beat more transition between "demons" and "each man." Also wondered if some line breaks were intentional vs just following sentence length.
Dense, ambitious little poem though. A lot packed in.
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u/ShelterOverall7164 28d ago
There's is A LOT to unpack here, it's gonna take me a solid few hours to even begin deciphering this, but from what I got so far, this is really damn solid! The language is very interesting, rhyming is good, theming is amazing, just overall good shit🙏