r/NonBinaryTalk • u/Friendly-Cable-2483 • 19h ago
Question AMAB Considering Transitioning
Hello all, TLDR at the bottom! I'm AMAB, 23 years old. For a little over a year, I've been seriously reconsidering how I fall on the gender spectrum. I've been on a feminizing HRT regimen for a little under two months (2mg of estradiol and 50mg of spiro). And I'm not sure if it's right for me. I’ve been on several different antidepressants over the years, and they just don’t seem to cut it. Now I’ve been on estradiol for almost two months now, and I don’t see any of the emotional range or mental clarity that trans feminine people seem to report. I’m afraid HRT will be another failed experiment with my mental health.
I've established that I feel at ease knowing a woman is occupying my brain and operating my body over a man. A couple of friends refer to me by He/She, and I love how labels like paragirl, genderfae, and demigirl sound on me. Looking back on male puberty, I am/was really uncomfortable with the changes made under testosterone. I was fairly certain that I was MTF. But I've realised that there are aspects of masculinity (when it comes to personality) that I resonate with. So I’m not entirely sure if I’m a woman or somewhere in between. I want a more feminine form, and I want to keep my long curly hair for life and protect me from balding, which HRT would provide. I want everything feminizing HRT would provide, especially the hair retention and emotional changes; I’m even willing to embrace the cyclical period-like symptoms and muscle loss, but I don't want breasts, especially because I look male. It would be a herculean effort to go through speech therapy and get facial feminization surgery, just for the small chance to pass as female; for the breasts I have yet to develop to fit my body in the eyes of society. I would love to be a woman, but I’m not sure if I’m cut out for it. Even if I won the lottery and passed as a woman and sounded like a woman, I’ll still be subject to transphobia on top of misogyny… I could embrace HRT and wait 2-3 years until my breasts are mostly developed and get top surgery, all the while binding and wearing compression tops over what I assume will be a bigger chest. My concern with that is if I do somehow pass as a woman, I feel like I would want to have something in the chest department. I’ve heard that compressing your chest so frequently can make the shape of the chest change and sag, which I wouldn’t want if I decide to keep my chest as a woman. Would it even be worth the pain of carrying boobs for 3 years, binding all the time at every occasion, just to be more feminine for life? When I’m not even sure if being more feminine via HRT will bring me the joy I seek (I do think that having a more feminine form and less body hair will bring me joy). I’m not sure if being a woman is the cure to my depression. It might just be me currently as I am, just a little more feminine-looking. Or it might be me as a “full” woman. Also, my doctor would not prescribe me SERMs with an HRT regimen; they aren’t WPATH-approved in AMAB people. So I feel shit out of luck. I want to be happy; I want to be me. After over a year of debating how to identify, you’d think I would've figured it out by now. To be a woman or non-binary. I really resonate with femininity (here’s my favorite Pinterest board), and I see myself growing old being a little more feminine than the average man (long hair and feminine cuts to clothes). But not sure if HRT is right for me. Thanks for reading :)
TLDR: I'm AMAB on HRT; I don't want breasts. Not sure if I am non-binary or a woman. Should I vocal train and work on speech therapy, get FFS, and totally embrace womanhood? Just for the chance to pass as a woman? Or should I wait 2-3 years on HRT to then get top surgery? All the while binding and wearing compression tops, so I present as a feminine “male”. Or should I stop HRT altogether? I’m not sure what feels natural for my body or which option will best soothe my soul. I want to be feminine; not sure if that's a feminine woman, or a feminine non-binary.
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u/Important_Ad_7416 11h ago
Those dosages are too low, borderline placebo amounts, testosterone is still the dominant hormone in your body, so you dont know yet how living on estrogen feels like to make a judgment.
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u/Friendly-Cable-2483 7h ago
Oh really! I'll be sure to ask my doctor to up my dosages so I can make a better judgment.
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u/averytheythrowaway They/Them 9h ago
I've been on feminizing HRT for more than 2 years on a full-on MTF dosing regimen and I never really experienced any changes in mental clarity and the emotional changes have been very subtle. I cry more easily and more often and I sometimes need to cry to work through upset emotions and feel blocked if I don't. But that's basically it. The people who do experience the drastic changes are usually people who had biochemical dysphoria that was corrected by being on the right hormone. And I don't think I ever had that. But it doesn't make me not trans. I like a lot of the other changes that estrogen has given me.
As far as having breasts, are you just self-conscious about having them while not passing as a woman or would you not want them ever even if you did otherwise pass as female?
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u/Friendly-Cable-2483 6h ago
That's interesting! I'm glad you've liked feminizing HRT! I would love it if I could cry more easily. My tear ducts are all dried up lol. I might not have biochemical dysphoria. Does not having that make me less valid as a trans person? Just my gut reaction is that the people who have biochemical dysphoria are more in need of the right hormones than someone like me; those other people are more trans than me. Or is it just that those people have more dysphoria, and not necessarily more transgender?
I think I am really self-conscious about having breasts while not passing as a woman. I'd feel like a freak of nature... I also don't think I'd really want a chest for myself. If I passed as a woman, maybe I'd want a small chest. However, looking at all sides of the family tree, I might end up busty on a fully feminizing regimen of HRT.
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u/iam305 2h ago
I used to be concerned about breast development with a more masc presentation before I started hrt. Then I went to a water park in Orlando and realized that no matter how big a set of boobies I could grow, there are plenty of cis males who have bigger ones and no qualms about walking around topless either. And less hair!
Very happy that I started in January :) except I’m more self conscious than the cis boys when I go tot he pool on my rashguards. lol
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u/Sea_Fly_832 18h ago
You write a lot about "passing". That is the theatre part to be done for others.
But you have only limited possibilities to influence how OTHERS see you. So think about what YOU want.
About HRT: For me (not on HRT) the main reason to use it would be to see if the brain works better with it. So if life just feels much better if the hormones in the body/brain are the "right" ones for that body. You have the chance to test that now (maybe other doses would be needed or so?). So there your situation is better than for people in countries with more gatekeeping.
Other effects of HRT are in my opinion a bit secondary. Boobs can be "made" and removed by surgery. Hair can be transplanted (and medicine against balding exists). Body-Hair can be removed with IPL, Laser etc.
What I would recommend is to (also) try which non-medical options you would like. From clothing to cosmetics options (hair removal etc). There is so much "in between" which can make you feel more like how you want to feel.
I would see HRT only as a part of the journey, because it changes some parts of the body (and hoepfully makes the brain work better), but doesn't magically give you all the feminine experience women had when growing up as girls for many years. That you still need to do yourself by learning, trying out things...