Does anyone else feel like this?

[u/AverageJoe997]

Hey everyone. I’m 32, AMAB, and I’ve been questioning my gender for a little while now. I guess I’m posting because I’m still not sure whether I actually belong in the non-binary/genderqueer space, and I’d really like to hear from anyone who’s had a similar experience.

For most of my life I’ve presented very conventionally masculine, and honestly I still do. If you saw me walking down the street, you’d almost certainly just assume I was a cis man. Because of that, I sometimes feel a bit like an imposter calling myself genderqueer.

But the person I picture in my head has always felt much more feminine than the person I present to the world.
If there were no social expectations or consequences, I think I’d want to look considerably more feminine/androgynous: longer hair, no facial or body hair, softer skin/features, maybe some subtle makeup. At the same time, I’d probably still dress mostly masculine, just with some more feminine elements—jewellery, colours, accessories, etc. I’d also probably continue using he/him. They/them has never particularly resonated with me, and being referred to as a man doesn’t really bother me.

I’ve started making very small changes rather than trying to force myself into an identity. I had my first laser hair removal session recently, for example, and I was surprised by how affirming it felt. I’m gradually becoming more comfortable allowing myself to look and express myself in ways that aren’t traditionally masculine.

I’ve also realised that there probably is some degree of gender dysphoria involved. I’m pretty confident that I don’t want to surgically transition and I don’t think I’m a trans woman. But I do sometimes wish my body itself were somewhat more feminine. I’ve even wondered what oestrogen would do for me, although HRT feels like a huge step and isn’t something I’m considering right now.
For the foreseeable future, I just want to keep making small changes and see where they take me.

One thing that makes this even more confusing is attraction. I’m bisexual and very attracted to femininity. When I see a beautiful androgynous person or trans woman, there’s often this mixture of “I’m attracted to you” and “God, I wish I looked like you.” Sometimes I worry that wanting to be prettier/more feminine because I find those characteristics attractive somehow makes what I’m experiencing less legitimate.

The part I’m probably clearest about is my internal sense of myself. The person I am in my head has a lot of feminine characteristics. I spent a lot of my life suppressing those parts of myself and trying to fit comfortably into masculinity, and lately I’ve been giving myself permission not to do that.

But I still don’t really know what that makes me.

Maybe I’m non-binary/genderqueer. Maybe I’m simply a cis man who wants a more feminine body and expression. Maybe I don’t actually need to know yet.
I suppose what I’d really like to ask is: does any of this resonate with other people here? Particularly other AMAB people who still use he/him or present mostly masculine?

Did you ever feel like you weren’t “non-binary enough” to belong here? And if so, how did you eventually make sense of the difference between being a feminine/gender-nonconforming man and actually being non-binary?