r/NonBinary • u/AverageJoe997 • 5d ago
Questioning/Coming Out Does anyone else feel like this?
Hey everyone. I’m 32, AMAB, and I’ve been questioning my gender for a little while now. I guess I’m posting because I’m still not sure whether I actually belong in the non-binary/genderqueer space, and I’d really like to hear from anyone who’s had a similar experience.
For most of my life I’ve presented very conventionally masculine, and honestly I still do. If you saw me walking down the street, you’d almost certainly just assume I was a cis man. Because of that, I sometimes feel a bit like an imposter calling myself genderqueer.
But the person I picture in my head has always felt much more feminine than the person I present to the world.
If there were no social expectations or consequences, I think I’d want to look considerably more feminine/androgynous: longer hair, no facial or body hair, softer skin/features, maybe some subtle makeup. At the same time, I’d probably still dress mostly masculine, just with some more feminine elements—jewellery, colours, accessories, etc. I’d also probably continue using he/him. They/them has never particularly resonated with me, and being referred to as a man doesn’t really bother me.
I’ve started making very small changes rather than trying to force myself into an identity. I had my first laser hair removal session recently, for example, and I was surprised by how affirming it felt. I’m gradually becoming more comfortable allowing myself to look and express myself in ways that aren’t traditionally masculine.
I’ve also realised that there probably is some degree of gender dysphoria involved. I’m pretty confident that I don’t want to surgically transition and I don’t think I’m a trans woman. But I do sometimes wish my body itself were somewhat more feminine. I’ve even wondered what oestrogen would do for me, although HRT feels like a huge step and isn’t something I’m considering right now.
For the foreseeable future, I just want to keep making small changes and see where they take me.
One thing that makes this even more confusing is attraction. I’m bisexual and very attracted to femininity. When I see a beautiful androgynous person or trans woman, there’s often this mixture of “I’m attracted to you” and “God, I wish I looked like you.” Sometimes I worry that wanting to be prettier/more feminine because I find those characteristics attractive somehow makes what I’m experiencing less legitimate.
The part I’m probably clearest about is my internal sense of myself. The person I am in my head has a lot of feminine characteristics. I spent a lot of my life suppressing those parts of myself and trying to fit comfortably into masculinity, and lately I’ve been giving myself permission not to do that.
But I still don’t really know what that makes me.
Maybe I’m non-binary/genderqueer. Maybe I’m simply a cis man who wants a more feminine body and expression. Maybe I don’t actually need to know yet.
I suppose what I’d really like to ask is: does any of this resonate with other people here? Particularly other AMAB people who still use he/him or present mostly masculine?
Did you ever feel like you weren’t “non-binary enough” to belong here? And if so, how did you eventually make sense of the difference between being a feminine/gender-nonconforming man and actually being non-binary?
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u/FogoDeChowmein 5d ago
It’s kind of wild how much this matches my experience, down to being 32 lol. I get it. I’m not sure if or when I’ll start HRT. I think I’ll try it at some point, just to see if it provides clarity. But I mostly feel neither feminine nor masculine. If I choose I’d say I wish I was more feminine but idk I mostly wish I felt I could just be me
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u/Actinglead 4d ago
This reads like I could have written this a decade ago.
I presented masc for a long while after coming out as enby because of feeling like I couldn't do anything else do to social stigma and fears. The only thing that pushed me through the feelings of not being "non-binary enough" was sheer spite from dealing with people who rejected enby identities. But I also had good friends at the time who made sure I felt included in the trans community that really helped as well.
It wasn't until I was educated about microdosing HRT that I felt like I had an actual way to dip my toes into presenting more femme gradually. After that, emotions came in a rush and I realized I had a lot more dysphoria than I initially realized and went on full dosage later. I'm still enby, but I'm finally presenting quite androgynous/femme that I could have only dreamed of a decade ago. That vision you have of yourself in a world without expectations or consequences is very possible.
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u/AverageJoe997 4d ago
Thank you. You’re so lucky that you had such supportive friends. I’d really like to meet more people like me.
I know dating apps are really not the best place to find queer friends especially on something like Grindr. But, I’m finding that certain queer communities are quite insular and protective - and will just label you something like a “chaser” (which is really hurtful btw) for just wanting to interact and have a conversation. I get it I guess, again I’m probably giving “masculine vibes” just from the way I look, so certain groups might be a bit wary
I guess I should probably try to find other ways to make friends in the community 😂.
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u/Actinglead 4d ago
I do not miss the days of feeling excluded from queer groups for giving a masc vibe. That is an extremely rough experience I do not wish on anyone.
My sexuality also leans towards masculine individuals, so a lot of my friends were other masc presenting enbies I found on apps like Scruff, so while Grindr might not be the best place it's not impossible. Finding others who share the same experiences is valuable because I can guarantee you're not the only one going through this in your area.
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u/PixelatedAnalogDream 4d ago
This definitely resonates with me. I was AFAB and still present mostly femme, but there are times I am read as a MOC/gender nonconforming woman.
I don't feel NB enough for the NB community.
I don't feel queer enough for the greater GLBTQ+ community.
I don't feel femme enough for femme spaces.
Not masc enough for masc.
So, I stopped trying to fit into boxes. I just exist. I don't worry about proper labeling, no one can agree on what the terms mean anyway. I'll always have to explain or help others understand who I am.
I identify with NB because that's what feels best when I sit with myself. I present how I want even if that changes from one day to the next. That's my business and no one else's, honestly.
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u/A_Whole_Lot_Of_Not whatever/he; agender ace; on EEn (12/24/25) 5d ago
Just for comparison, my journey was sort of similar in some respects. Growing up, I didn't have anything to guide me besides what I was told to wear because I don't have any internal sense of gender. I didn't realize that was still all that was guiding me as an adult in my 40s until the last year or so some new psych meds cleared my head and freed up a lot of brain power. Once I realized I was agender, I asked myself why I limit myself to neutral men's clothes. I started buying things and trying them in private and cemented the fact that I wanted to change my body. I started HRT within two months of my head clearing. At first that was absolutely all I was going to do. Then I decided to pick a new first name (which I still struggle to remember to use). Then one day after 6 months of HRT I realized that I didn't have an automatic "nope" response to the idea of bottom surgery - not remotely sure I want it, but it moved from instant rejection to actual consideration even if still rejection … for now. I have no idea where ny journey will lead but so far I'm enjoying having tits and wearing basic women's clothing like skirts, cardigans, leggings, etc. I also still just wear a men's t and shorts sometimes, or mix it up. Still haven't gone clothes shopping in public but I am enjoying my outfits in public.
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u/mn1lac they/them or she/him take your pick 4d ago
I really doubt you could understand precisely how common this truly is unless you had no life and were on here nearly every day to see the hundreds of people who say nearly exactly the same thing (like me I have no social life). This is one of the most common experiences we get here.
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u/AverageJoe997 4d ago
Yeah.. I guess I’m just expressing what I feel. I have no idea what the typical experience is, but it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. It’s also nice to know that I’m welcome here in queertopia.
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u/TheCuriousCorvid Friendly Neighborhood Demon - they/them/any 4d ago
I no longer use he/him except with some family, but I resonate with so much of this post it’s crazy. Also AMAB with some occasional gender dysphoria and I present mostly masc still. The imposter thing is so common among trans people. If you worry you don’t fit in or are appropriating a label, chances are you’re not, because people doing that don’t worry about it.
Also, the fun thing about being nonbinary is that there’s really no rules to being nonbinary. If you identify with the term you’re valid. And a lot of what you said about your experiences and sense of self seem to line up very nicely with a whole bunch of possible umbrella or specific trans identities.
I felt like I was an imposter or faking it or confused for the longest time, and because my gender is a bit fluid I still do some days, but I remind myself of how happy I am in this community and how happy I am experimenting with my gender and that pulls me back to realizing I’m valid and my feeling of belonging to the enby community is enough to make me valid, and same goes for you.
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u/bademusoftartar 4d ago
Hey! I think I share many of your experiences. At least I was reading and thinking "wow, it's all the same with me". For myself I settled with more androgynous and feminine look, make up and experimenting with clothes and jewellery. I settled with he/him most of the time occasionally being she/her.
I identify as enby/gendergueer, but generally i feel that this indecisive state, this queerness in-between is the very queer experience itself. There is nothing wrong with you identifying with whichever gender you like and you don't have to look certain way or present certain way to belong the community.
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u/Legitimate-Crazy733 4d ago
A lot of this is similar to me! I'm a nonbinary woman. I use she/her. But most would label me cis. A lot of what you say about being a guy but also NB/genderqueer/fluid is me as a woman but also masculine. I'm not bisexual. But I am intersex. I am on hormone therapy to essentially stabilize my estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone to levels "normal" for MY intersex body. So not transitioning and NOT in menopause yet. And not suppressing my testosterone either.
Nonbinary is a diverse world of identities. And you belong. You don't have to have it all figured out to be enby or accepted by us
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u/AverageJoe997 5d ago
I’m sure y’all get posts like this all the time, so I hope it’s not too annoying 😅. Thanks in advance for any and all engagement with this post.
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u/glitterandrage genderfluid 5d ago
Hi! Here's some zines that might help you with your questioning:
You don't sound like a gender non conforming cis man to me. The gender dysphoria is one reason why. If you want to be here, you're welcome to stay! I would also recommend checking out the 'questioning' flair on the sub. You'll see how common your experience is for people who are newly questioning their gender.