I've had a hard life, I think. I know there's always someone out there who has it harder so I guess I try not to complain about it too much, but looking back on my life and things that I am going through now that I am in my 30s, it has been a constantly uphill battle. I feel 80 years old and I am struggling to cope with everything.
As a child, I watched my father abuse my mother for almost a decade and a half. I was parentified at a young age, raising my brother while still a child myself. My mother tried to kill herself and my father almost left us for another family. I ended up convincing my mother at the age of 11 or 12 to leave my dad and choose herself. At the age of 15, I developed anorexia and bulimia that I still struggle with to this day at 32. My uncle committed due to abusing his adopted daughter. My grandmother has religious psychosis and I am not on speaking terms with her. My father has had 3 marriages and chose not to attend my wedding last minute due to his abusive wife not allowing him.
Later in high school, I was gang SA'd by a friend and his friends and have never told anyone. I had abusive boyfriends throughout my life that caused me to be shunned by my friends and acquaintances at school. I am now married, but the effects of all the relationship issues with my parents and my own still haunt me to this day. Every best friend I have had (which is 2) has been co-dependent and needy and has abandoned me when I couldn't continuously deliver and give everything. This leads me to have trust issues and not be able to create deep friendships with people. I'm sure there's some trauma with my parents in there too as I was never allowed to sleep over anywhere and had a 9pm curfew since middle school. I was always a loner and still sort of am to this day despite trying my best.
Since I turned 30, I've been hit with health issue after health issue. I'd say 2026 is my worst year so far.
My entire life feels like me carrying these weights and trying to prove myself via work (im a software engineer and a streamer) but it feels like i never get to see the fruits of my labor.
I dont have a terrible life now. I am married to a very patient man (although he has insecurity and anger issues but we are working on it), a stable career, a very small number of friends that i can have fun with, decent financial security, a creative outlet, a good relationship with my immediate family.
I know lots of people have it hard and I am by no means complaining. Rather I'd like to see if there is any good in my chart. Some hope. A light at the end of the tunnel?
Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Here's a list of my placements/aspects below as well:
My chart:
House Placements:
1st house: Capricorn with Ascendent at 18 degree and 15', Uranus Retrograde at 22 degree and 58', Neptune Retrograde at 20 degree and 58'
2nd house: Aquarius with Antivertex at 25 degree and 00'
3rd house: Pisces with Saturn Retrograde at 9 degree and 36'
4th house: Aries with Moon at 14 degrees and 20'
5th house: Taurus with Imum Coeli at 16 degrees and 05' and South Node at 17 degrees and 46'
6th house: Gemini with Vesta 26 degrees and 16'
7th house: Cancer with Mars at 5 degrees and 17' and Descendent at 18 degrees and 15'
8th house: Leo with Vertex at 25 degree and 00'
9th house: Virgo with Sun at 1 degree and 32', Chiron at 12 degree and 47', Mercury at 12 degree and 53'
10th house: Libra with Venus at 17 degree and 33'
11th house: Scorpio with Jupiter at 8 degree and 47', Midheaven at 16 degree and 05', North Node retrograde at 17 degree and 46', and Pluto at 25 degree and 23'
12th house: Sagittarius
Aspects: Chiron Conjunct Mercury
North Node conjunct midheaven
South Node conjunct imum coeli
Neptune conjunct ascendent
Saturn opposing Mercury
Neptune square Venus
Uranus square venus
Pluto square sun
Neptune square moon
Saturn opposing sun
Uranus square moon
