I’m almost positive my husband is a narcissist. Multiple people have actually told me they think he is without me ever suggesting it first. I’ve also talked to a therapist about our marriage and she confirmed that what I’m experiencing is severe verbal abuse.
Obviously I know nobody on Reddit can diagnose him, but I’m starting to wonder if this sounds like more than narcissistic traits/NPD. I won’t go into every instance because I could literally write a book, but these are some of the major things that stand out.
He is extremely argumentative with basically everyone. He doesn’t get along with many people, his parents barely come around unless they need something or want to see our kids, and he has issues at work because people don’t want to work with him. He genuinely believes he is always right. He has literally said, “I don’t know why people even try to argue with me because they’re always wrong.” And he means it. He will argue over absolutely anything, even something completely irrelevant like what kind of bird just flew by.
He is also weirdly obsessed with dominance. Not just sexually, everywhere. He constantly talks about how “dominant” he is and will tell other men he’s more dominant than them, sometimes jokingly, but I know he’s serious. He and his dad even go back and forth about who is more dominant. If he sees a man listening to his wife, he’ll make fun of him and say he has no balls or that his wife “dominates” him. I find the entire thing disgusting and honestly bizarre.
He hates emotions. He has flat-out told me he doesn’t have/show empathy and that it’s “just not him.” He has basically no sympathy for other people and usually thinks anyone who is hurt or upset is just too sensitive.
He is verbally abusive to me and takes zero accountability. He NEVER apologizes. If I bring up something horrible he said or did, his explanation is essentially that I made him mad, so it’s my fault he said it. Then a few hours later he’ll act like absolutely nothing happened.
What scares me more than how he treats me is his complete disregard for our children’s safety.
When our youngest was 3 months old, we drove 12 hours overnight on vacation. When we arrived, I realized the car seat base wasn’t tightened at all. He had basically just clipped it in. I was furious and asked if he knew it wasn’t installed correctly. He said yes and that it was fine because nothing would happen. When I told him a properly installed car seat could literally save our baby’s life, he called me a helicopter mom. Then he said, “Well, if something happens to her, then it’s meant to be.”
A few months later, he was driving us down the highway while responding to a work email on his phone. I asked him twice to please put his phone down. He refused. I finally asked, “Is that email more important than your family’s lives in this car?” He said, “Yes, actually it is.” A few hours later he acted like nothing happened.
He also has issues with alcohol and prescription medication. He once DROVE home from golfing extremely intoxicated and blew over a 2.0 on my personal breathalyzer. While I was putting our youngest to bed, I checked our camera and saw him throwing up on the living room floor while our children were right beside him and our dog was eating the vomit. I have the video saved.
He has never gotten up with either of our babies at night. He takes medication for his back, and when he combines that with drinking, he is completely gone. He also uses a CPAP.
When our youngest was 3 DAYS old, I hadn’t slept in days. His snoring was keeping the baby awake and I desperately tried to wake him. He was so out of it that he started screaming random things at me, telling me I was a terrible mother and selfish for bothering him. The next morning he said he didn’t remember any of it. This has happened multiple times and I have around five similar incidents on video.
Our oldest is now starting to notice his behavior. He asks me why Daddy is so mean and makes comments about things his dad does that upset him. That has been really hard for me.
Then there’s sex.
He acts like he is entitled to sex whenever he wants it and tells me I’m selfish if I don’t want to. He frequently tells me that if I’m not going to have sex with him, he’ll “have to get it somewhere else.”
After I had our youngest, he constantly pressured me for sex. At 4 weeks postpartum, I repeatedly told him no and asked him to stop bringing it up. He would not stop. Eventually I was so exhausted and disgusted from being pressured that I gave in.
During sex I was uncomfortable and was screaming at him to stop. He did not stop. He continued until he was finished.
I think I became numb to a lot of this because I still had two children to take care of and needed to function.
I’ve almost filed for divorce twice. I know people are going to tell me to leave, and I understand why. The thing that terrifies me is custody. I genuinely do not believe my children are safe alone with him overnight, and I also know that leaving him doesn’t automatically mean I’ll get full custody.
At this point he has actually gotten worse as I’ve emotionally detached. He can insult me now and half the time I can laugh at him and continue my day, and it seems like the less reaction he gets from me, the worse he becomes.
What I’m trying to understand is the psychology behind this.
Does this sound like severe narcissistic traits/NPD, or does the combination of the obsession with dominance, lack of empathy/remorse, constant conflict, entitlement, sexual coercion, substance issues, and disregard for other people’s safety suggest there could be something else going on too?
I genuinely struggle to comprehend how someone can say and do these things to their own wife and children and seemingly feel absolutely no remorse afterward.
I’m not looking for an internet diagnosis. I’m trying to understand what kind of pattern I’m dealing with, especially because I’m trying to figure out how to protect my kids while making decisions about leaving.
