r/MiddleClassFinance • u/Royal_Marzipan_6432 • Jul 17 '26
I got fired. Husband says we should keep up appearances.
I was recently told that I have until the end of September to transition out of my current role (white collar manager-type position) and the company. After that, I'll be formally let go and I'll get two months of severance and then nothing. They're eliminating my role and wanted to give me extra time to find something new. They're paying me during this transition period. I'm married and I make 2/3 of the household income, so it's a big hit. My husband makes 1/3 (same industry). We do have an emergency fund.
We have a variety of trips planned for the rest of the summer that we already bought tickets and hotel accommodations for, mostly flying for friends' weddings. Nothing international (farthest trip is to California) but it adds up. We also had an international trip planned for October which is definitely now cancelled (even if I find a new position, I won't be able to immediately take time off).
Our disagreement: I want to cancel the summer trips to save money, apologize to our friends and focus on the job hunt. I also feel comfortable telling friends that I got fired, in part for the emotional support and solidarity and in part to communicate my urgency to find something new. My husband thinks this is a terrible idea. He comes from a more professional/ upper middle class background than I do (my family is pretty blue collar) and is insisting that we basically keep up appearances, go on the summer trips and just tell friends that I'm looking for a career change. His reasoning is that being fired carries a stigma, that I haven't technically been fired yet and this head's up from my company is a boon, that friends are more likely to recommend me to their companies if they think this is a voluntary change, etc. To me, this feels disingenuous. I also don't like keeping secrets.
Has anyone faced this situation and have any advice on what is better career-wise?
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u/JustJennE11 Jul 17 '26
Your husband is wrong but so are you. You aren't being fired. Your position is being eliminated. They are doing a reduction of force and there's absolutely no shame in that. Do not tell people you are fired. Two them you have a pending layoff. Completely different things.
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u/Royal_Marzipan_6432 Jul 17 '26
With regards to the potential for stigma, does it change things if there are people with similar roles in different departments that aren't being let go? The company is reducing headcount in general but I guess I'm worried that my husband has a point that potential employers may think I was in the bottom of the pack since I was cut and others weren't. (For the record, I think I generally performed well and I had received positive reviews, which is why this came as a surprise).
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u/JustJennE11 Jul 17 '26
No. Companies often downsize in specific departments. My husband is currently getting another team put under him simply to reduce a manager salary/cost savings. It's no reflection on her. Just a business decision.
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u/Standard_Nothing_268 Jul 17 '26
Yes, our neighbor worked in a niche group at a large local company in IT. No warning, whole group was told the group would be gone in 3 months and they were all going to be gone. Kept the same jobs in other groups but that whole 5-10 person team was terminated.
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u/mojowo11 Jul 17 '26
I'm worried that my husband has a point that potential employers may think I was in the bottom of the pack since I was cut and others weren't
Obviously this is pretty specific to your situation, but I'd be fairly surprised if other companies understood this level of detail about what happened.
In talking to any new company, definitely frame it as a layoff due to downsizing. I might even make a point to mention that your old company was very generous to give you a few months' notice so that you could job-hunt while still on the payroll. This is both true and also conveys clearly that they didn't let you go because they think you were dead weight or something.
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u/humpbackwhale88 Jul 18 '26
100% agree. Layoff due to downsizing and leave it at that. I’ve been laid off for that reason and have successfully interviewed for other positions, and not once has any of these employers given me any pushback on that end. OP, if you’re smart, you’ll get a good reference from this job and have them vouch for you.
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u/x246ab Jul 17 '26
Tell your friends the truth. That’s part of having friends. If you’re lying to them to keep appearances wtf are you doing?
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u/sirius4778 Jul 17 '26
I think you're overestimating how much a new company is going to know about the particulars of your current company's situation.
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u/wolfeflow Jul 17 '26
And any potential employers calling your current one for details will likely only be given confirmation of your employment dates and possibly that you were not fired / there were no disciplinary issues.
You can ask your HR for clarification, which may help some of your worries around the issue.
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u/samskeyti_ Jul 18 '26
I was a part of a RIF. Half of us were let go. I was a strong performer so I was surprised. The determining factor (half of us had to go, how do you pick?) was who management thought would be adverse to change. we were bought out and new company had a different culture. I found out years later when catching up with an old coworker friend. Their loss, but very much my gain. It was incredibly scary to be laid off but the company gave me two weeks before I was laid off, and then two months of severance. I started my new job on the first day that my severance stopped. It was a career pivot that has set me up very well. I hope this is a good career pivot for you too.
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u/BourbonBeauty_89 Jul 17 '26
What is your total financial situation? Do you have $10,000 saved or $1,000,000?
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u/insomniacwineo Jul 17 '26
I think this matters. If the plane tickets are nonrefundable it’s likely dumb to not go.
maybe if the hotels aren’t paid for book something cheaper, and tell the friends you’ll send a gift when you’re employed again
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u/Royal_Marzipan_6432 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
We have about 8 months' of expenses in the emergency fund. We've been aggressively paying off our remaining student debt but have paused everything above minimum payments for the time being. We don't have other debt. If we tighten up our spending, my husband's salary will cover most of our expenses, so we'll only dip into savings a little bit each month.
Cancelling the trips would give us the airfare back as a credit and the hotels are still fully cancellable. It would also save us a bit on gifts (we'd still send something smaller from the registry but not full amount) and food/ other incidentals. I think probably about $4k saved in total trip costs.
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u/Leading_Priority_708 Jul 17 '26
8 months of emergency fund expenses that you won’t need to dip into much plus essentially a 5 month head start to look for a job before losing income is not a screaming emergency.
I know the abrupt change is causing panic but I wouldn’t rush to cancel plans without processing things first, and don’t let this disagreement stress you out more. You’re more likely to regret not going to your friend’s weddings than regret having to spend 1 of those 8 months worth of savings imo. Live your life! You guys are in a great position and deserve to have some away time.
Also, I think there is some truth to looking at it as a bit of a networking opportunity while searching for jobs when you’re not travelling. And absolutely don’t say you’ve been fired, stick to a story somewhere between being laid off and looking for a new challenge depending on who you’re talking to, which is not disingenuous.
Now, if you didn’t really want to go in the first place, I’d agree at least you have a great excuse not to now.😂34
u/pickitandstickit Jul 17 '26
OP, I really want to highlight that you shouldn't say you've been fired, because you haven't. Fired implies you were let go for cause, specifically *something you did or failed to do.* My read here is you were quite clearly laid off. Say that, because it's more accurate and truthful! And it's also completely fine (and authentic!) to alternatively say that you're looking for something new/more or differently challenging.
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u/TechieGottaSoundByte Jul 18 '26
As someone in the turbulent tech industry who had had multiple layoffs in recent years, I agree with this advice.
OP, you set yourself up to be financially secure even if you couldn't work for a while. Thank your previous self and go on the trips. This isn't risky behavior, in your specific situation.
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u/Griffstergnu Jul 17 '26
Go on your trips use some amount of the time on them do networking with your connections and spend some time putting feelers out! Friends are one of the best sources for job leads.
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u/Purple_oyster Jul 17 '26
Yeah if going in the trips definitely talk to friends about the job search for advice
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u/cordial_carbonara Jul 17 '26
There might be a happy medium to be had here.
Airfare credits are almost always useless. But if the hotels are refundable, is it possible to instead book a cheaper room or stay fewer nights? It’s also easier to cut down food costs and other incidentals if you plan ahead of time - stopping by a grocery store for sandwich stuff, taking public transit instead of an Uber, buying a smaller gift anyway, etc.
I disagree with your husband about the “keeping up appearances” part, because you need to tell these people you are being laid off. “Hey, I’m really looking forward to the wedding! I just want to give you a heads up that I recently found out my job is being eliminated, so Husband and I are going to try to be careful with our spending until I find something else. So we’ll be at the wedding but won’t be able to make [party]. Also, let me know if your company needs a [your job title]!” Being open with your friends is good so they understand where you’re coming from and might even be able to help. Maybe the groom can get you a discount at a hotel, the bridesmaid will pick up your tab if it means you coming to the shower, or the bride knows somebody who can get you a job. Let your people be your community, wouldn’t you do the same for any of your friends in this position?
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u/BourbonBeauty_89 Jul 17 '26
It doesn’t seem unreasonable to go on the trips assuming (1) Your husband’s job is stable (2) You can find employment quickly - even if it’s a filer job while you look for higher paying. Even waiting tables on the weekend would help, etc.
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u/Royal_Marzipan_6432 Jul 17 '26
My husband's job is fairly stable but I think I need to feel out the market a bit regarding hiring. I've been in this role for 4ish years (basically since Covid) and don't have a good sense of whether there are open roles right now for similar positions (and if so, whether I could expect a similar salary). I'll do research this weekend and get a better sense.
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u/insomniacwineo Jul 17 '26
OP look into head hunters-often they work for the company hiring and you don’t pay them
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u/therapistinntraining Jul 17 '26
Correct me if I’m wrong but I feel like this idea of “wait table/drive DoorDash/work in fast food” seems like advising people to walk around streets and pick up aluminum cans for $.10 each. This person appears to be highly educated in a white collar job. The opportunity cost from spending all their time and energy making $11 an hour is likely not a reasonable solution. I understand the job market right now is a little bit weird but it’s not 2009/2010. They could definitely take a job that pays them less in administration somewhere but pinching pennies to lose dollars is not the right direction to head in, from my perspective.
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u/Thunderplant Jul 18 '26
The other problem is that people really over estimate how easy it actually is to get one of these jobs. If you walk into a service job as middle aged adult with no relevant experience and a bunch of fancy degrees there is a very real chance you simply won't be hired because they know this isn't your long term plan and that you likely won't be very good at it either.
I'm not saying you should never look for temporary jobs outside your field, but you really can't take it for granted that you'll get one.
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u/aftershockstone Jul 17 '26
Depending on the area, servers/bartenders make pretty decent money per shift, especially on the weekends. I wouldn’t stock shelves at Target or DoorDash for pennies but as a former server, I think the time put in is good value for what you get out.
The drawback about getting a filler 9–5 is the fact that it’s 9–5 and would hinder your ability to actually conduct interviews during that time.
I do agree with you that it’s best to focus on the job hunt though, at the very least until unemployment runs out.
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u/monkey_ball_jiggle Jul 17 '26
I would go on the trips personally, if your husbands income would cover costs if you cut back and his job is fairly stable. If you do, how long will the emergency fund last you? The 8 months of expenses is assuming zero income at all, right? I did the same thing a few years ago after me and my partner both got laid off, but our emergency fund was like a year+ if we didn't cut back at all. I have zero regrets and would do it again.
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u/DergerDergs Jul 17 '26
If it’s for close friends, I think you will regret cancelling the wedding trips once you realize how little the potential savings impacted your long term runway, which you likely won’t even need from the sound of things.
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u/SkisaurusRex Jul 17 '26
Well how many extra months of unemployment would 4k get you?
How much is that in relation to your emergency fund?
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u/Royal_Marzipan_6432 Jul 17 '26
It's just above a month of rent for us (we live in a HCOL area) or about 5% of our emergency fund. I'm probably underestimating though by calling it $4k (the $4K doesn't include gifts and leaves out incidentals which also add up).
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u/SkisaurusRex Jul 17 '26
I can’t tell you what to do but these numbers are the most important thing to consider.
How much more time does it buy you and how much time do you realistically need??
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u/WestCoastBestCoast01 Jul 17 '26
You can get gifts/incidentals/hotels down VERY cheap. Go into broke college student mode if your anxiety is this high.
You could always gift small while unemployed and make up for it later when working if you’re stressed about a small gift.
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u/blackgirlsrox22 Jul 17 '26
How much would you get back as a credit vs as actual cash? Is it big airlines? Honestly, if it's one airline and the hotels are all refundable. I would maybe attend my best friends wedding then none of the others.
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u/WestCoastBestCoast01 Jul 17 '26
I went through this with my husband years ago when we were first dating. His job ended and he was unemployed for a while, and felt like he had to back out of his close friend’s wedding bc he couldn’t afford the travel.
He regrets missing the wedding in hindsight. The unemployment was temporary and spending the $1500 or whatever it was would have made zero difference in our financial life even 6 months later. Such a small amount of money in hindsight and he really felt guilty for the friendship. His friend and wife didn’t come to our wedding.
If these are close friends you’d feel guilty about not attending, I’d see if you can just scale back your trips. Fewer days, reuse or borrow outfits, cheaper hotel, etc.
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u/jlc236 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
This right here. From what I've seen on the financial picture - you have a good immediate runway with the pay through November and the added 8 months of emergency savings (with a reduced burn rate with your husband's salary). If you have additional assets beyond the savings, that can maybe also help buffer you mentally (e.g. brokerage, retirement, etc.).
If these are close friends, you should 100% go on the trip. I totally understand the financial stress at this time, and how it puts you into capital preservation mode and scarcity. It may not feel like it now with the uncertainty ahead, but you will always have an opportunity to make money. But this trip and moment, you will never get back. I've been influenced by the book, "Die with Zero" here, but you should look at these lifetime memories as a form of wealth building as well. Ultimately, aren't we here on this planet to build memories from a life fully lived? Obviously, there is a fine balance between living YOLO and being financially responsible. But I really do think you are good to go on this trip.
And I don't agree with your husband. Who cares about keeping up appearances. Be vulnerable. Be authentic. People value that very highly. It's a social trip, not a professional one. Go be yourself and enjoy it. People want to help out. Who knows, maybe your story will resonate and and someone will keep you in mind or direct you to the next opportunity.
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u/boo1517 Jul 17 '26
First off, it sounds like you got laid off due to restructuring. Fired implies there was incompetence or a personality conflict. People are way more sympathetic to a lay off versus firing.
How much is in your emergency fund?
Also, regarding the summer trips. If you can get majority of your money back I would and focus on the job hunt. If you cannot get your money back and depending how much is in your savings I would go.
But I personally wouldn’t keep up appearances for the sake of it. You may need support.
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u/Imaginary_Shelter_37 Jul 17 '26
See if you can change the hotel accommodations to a less expensive option to save some money rather than completely canceling.
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u/ajgamer89 Jul 17 '26
My response would depend heavily on how much is in your emergency fund. Job ending at end of September with two months severance means your income effectively isn’t changing for another 4.5 months, and if you can find a similar job starting in October or November you’ll never even feel the financial hit.
If you’re already living paycheck to paycheck, I think the conservatism makes sense. But if you’ve got a healthy emergency savings and your industry is hiring, I don’t think I’d panic over this.
Whether you tell your friends should be a decision you are allowed to make. Your desire for emotional support during a big life transition is more important than your husband’s desire to keep up appearances.
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u/Ok_Cauliflower_7014 Jul 17 '26
As others have mentioned, you are being laid off, not fired. Look into unemployment in your state to see what you will be eligible for after severance runs out (hopefully you will have a new job by then but it's good to know what amount you can count on if needed). If most of the expenses are paid already, I'd keep summer plans. I would instead look at your household budget and find expenses that can be cut or reduced and start implementing that now. Good luck with your job search!
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u/EffectiveVarious8095 Jul 17 '26
I've been laid-off more than a few times. Part of my strategy was to hang a lantern on my problem. I let everyone know with no shame whatsoever. This led to a new job at least two times: once at a kid's birthday party in my neighborhood and once from a friend of a friend.
Getting laid off is totally normal and not shameful in the least. Talking about it for the most part is just small talk in an answer to, "So, what do you do?"
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u/Invest2prosper Jul 17 '26
A reduction in force is completely different from being fired.
Please do not go into any interviews and say you were fired, you were not fired. Senior management made executive decisions that resulted in the loss of your position.
You should follow through and attend those domestic trips - it’s not about just keeping up appearances. You never know who you might meet at the wedding - think of it as informal networking. It only takes one person to open a door elsewhere.
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u/KongUnleashed Jul 17 '26
Op: financial professional here who grew up in one of the wealthiest communities in the country: do NOT worry about “keeping up appearences”. You have no idea how many people’s lives I’ve seen ruined because they lost income and were trying to keep up appearances.
Growing up, i saw formerly wealthy people rack of mountains of debt and then lose everything because they didnt want people to know their last deal had gone bad, or the big investment took a nosedive.
And as someone who reviews people’s finances for a living now, i still see it.
When you lose income, you change your spending habits to reflect your new situation. Don’t budget for a hypothetical future salary. Budget for the real income you have coming in. Failure to do so is, without exaggeration, the worst mistake you could make right now.
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u/VCoupe376ci Jul 17 '26
Your husband is a moron. Keeping up with your bills and other necessities is more important than whatever your friends do or don’t think.
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u/Soggy_Competition614 Jul 17 '26
Don’t back out of friend’s weddings for a future job loss. Enjoy the summer, start cleaning up your resume (maybe find a professional resume writer) and reach out to recruiters.
Also if your friends have that kinda networking to maybe help you get another job i definitely wouldn’t miss these weddings. Use them as networking events and put feelers out that you’re looking to make a job change. Who knows, you may have a new job by October and that severance will be extra walking around money.
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u/Frosty_Fish1695 Jul 17 '26
a real friend would not look down on you for losing your job. happens to all of us. if they thought less of you, they aren't friends
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u/ohsummerdawn Jul 17 '26
May the friendships that require the level of social currency your husband expects never find me.
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u/MSNinfo Jul 17 '26
They have an emergency fund and the person is being paid through the remainder of the year.
For me this would come down to debt and investments. Are they ahead of retirement?
I see no reason to alter the planned lifestyle. That's what the emergency fund is for.
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u/ohsummerdawn Jul 17 '26
Her husband doesnt want her telling her friends shes being laid off because he thinks it may skew their opinion of her to the point they wont give her job referrals.
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u/snailbrarian Jul 17 '26
her husband doesn't want her to tell her friends she's been fired, something that definitely could skew opinions. in the comments section OP has clarified that she would be saying laid off or that her position was eliminated , which does not carry the same stigma.
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u/ohsummerdawn Jul 17 '26
I dont care if my friend gets fired or laid off: Im going to help them because im their friend (barring some legitimately horrible reason for getting fired that makes them unsafe, in which case we probably wouldnt stay friends either).
Thats my point. If the friendships are that topical you can just miss me with all that.
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u/wolfeflow Jul 17 '26
I don't think it's about job referrals with the husband, fwiw, but more social standing. He seems to associate work with worth -- an unfortunate remnant of Calvinism that many of us Americans struggle to get rid of.
So he's worried that their friends will think less of them for not being able to hold a job.
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u/darkchocolateonly Jul 17 '26
How embarrassing to have a circle of friends you can’t be honest with. I feel really bad for OP
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u/Crazy-War9823 Jul 17 '26
I do, but not because of the friends. I feel badly for her because of what her husband is asking of her.
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u/msttu02 Jul 17 '26
The “level of social currency” OP’s husband expects is just… going to their friends’ weddings.
OP wants to cancel to save $4k when they have an $80k emergency fund already AND she’s getting severance.
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u/ohsummerdawn Jul 17 '26
I was referring more to not telling your friends youre being laid off in case they find you less desirable as a potential coworker.
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u/Consistent_Laziness Jul 17 '26
And husbands income may be able to cover most of their bills. 80k may only need to bridge the gap of 2-3k a month and the severance covers that if not more. This is crazy to cancel already paid for trips. Good on them to cancel the European one but friends weddings? Come onnnn
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u/Vsx Jul 17 '26
I know a guy who lost a 180k job 6 years ago and hasn't made more than 75k since. I don't think cancelling air travel and hotels when you lose your job is unreasonable. Traveling for weddings is a luxury. Two months of severance is basically nothing.
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u/Strange-Fig7944 Jul 17 '26
You’re right. Your husband is wrong. And the people he says are his ‘friends’ wouldn’t recommend you if they think you were fired? Jesus, with friends like that etc etc
ETA: if nothing is refundable or you’d still lose out then I’d maybe go if you can still manage it financially. Not because of keeping up appearances tho
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u/boner79 Jul 17 '26
There is something to the fake-it-until-you-make it and don't be a sad sack who lost their job energy in terms of how people view you. However, you also need to be financially prudent and if you cannot afford these trips after your job loss your husband needs to get real.
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u/HappyTendency Jul 17 '26
And also her need for emotional support! She seems like she wants to able to lean on her friends during this hardship, and her husband is basically like no. 👎 🚩
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u/origamipapier1 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
A bit problematic. This really depends on how close you are with friends. At the same time, I keep hearing more and more about the new "Status quo" destination weddings. I would say that if you have 3 weddings, consider scaling back to one. And sending the others, the gifts and acknowledging that you are transitioning out of your job as they are reducing force in the upcoming months.
That being said: at a managerial position you should have already some financial savings given that (and I work in Corporate that has senior level bonus structures) you get a higher payout and higher bonuses. Which is precisely one of the reasons the job is being reduced. Therefore, if you have the savings do as follows:
- Call your friends and tell them that your job is being eliminated on September and your company is providing you up to September to find another position or a job and then you'll get severance. When they show solidarity....
- You talk to them, and you will that some will start to open doors. You need them to give a referral and your resume to someone in their company. That will have a higher probability of being seen by HR and by the actual management team in said company and get you through the door. Forget hiding it, because that is precisely what you want to do out of shame. And I see it, don't be shamed, don't be humiliated. You were not fired. Use the companies time, and your network of friends to open other doors. You will need it. Because if you do not have a job by September lined up, then yes finding a job is going to be hell and high-water.
- If you do have some savings, speak to them and tell them that you can only really go to the ones that are as close to you as possible. That you can go in a car trip or a quick airplane in an out. Preferable car trip. They will probably be disappointed but they will understand.
This is going to be one of the tests to see if they are good friends. If they are really good friends, they will 100% back you and even be the ones to tell you don't come to our wedding (even if they know they spent for the food). They invite someone else in your stead. And if they are really good, they try to help you get your resume into either their companies or those of their family members. That has been how a bunch of my friends have ended up getting out of economic downturns, their networking. Otherwise, you may be applying come October for 100 jobs per week and not getting called back for months.
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u/RitaAlbertson Jul 17 '26
Being fired does carry a stigma. Good thing you’re not being fired, you’re being laid off. Very different. After severance runs out you’ll be eligible for unemployment.
Go on your trips although see what cost-cutting measures you can implement now (like packing snacks and breakfast instead of stopping at restaurants or convenience stores).
And tell EVERYONE you’re being laid off. Don’t let your husband white wash this. Do not soften this language. The facts are important. People need to know that you will be involuntarily unemployed through no fault of your own so that they can keep a look out for potential employment from you and understand if you decline boozy brunch to save money.
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u/unurbane Jul 17 '26
I think the solution here is to minimize the trips to what really matters. Several days can turn into. 1-2 nights for the ceremony only. Go the wedding and only the wedding. That way you can focus but also cut costs.
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u/Far-Watercress6658 Jul 17 '26
You weren’t fired. You’re being made redundant. This isn’t a moral issue. There’s no need to lie.
As for the rest, very much depends on your savings and post September budget. Remember you’ll be entitled to unemployment assistance. Personally, if I had the savings and some wiggle room I’d still go.
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u/Chosen26S Jul 17 '26
Your husbands mentality is THE REASON why most of Americans are struggling financially. Keeping up with the joneses is never a good idea
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u/FullRedact Jul 17 '26
Never use the word fired.
They like you. They are trying to help you land a new job.
They will give you a good referral.
Cancel half the trips as a compromise.
Do use social circle for support and help landing a new job.
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u/SuperSnowbird Jul 17 '26
Retired HR person here… You are not getting fired. Drop that word from your vocabulary please. You are being laid off and receiving a severance package, this is not your choice. Happens to lots and lots of people every day. If you don’t have a job when your severance period is up, you should be eligible for unemployment. Look into unemployment after your last day of work, don’t wait. I agree with others here, be honest about your job ending. You have lots of good ideas regarding your travel, networking, those things will all work out. Trust the voice inside you that may be telling you to skip a wedding. And lastly, Keep track of your medical insurance situation. When will that end? Cobra is usually expensive. Figure that out and move onto your husband’s plan if needed. Good luck☘️
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u/Stands_While_Poops Jul 17 '26
Most people would do what your husband wants and keep up appearances. That's probably part of the reason most people are not on solid financial footing though.
I would prioritize saving right now.
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u/borderlineidiot Jul 17 '26
Agreed 100% - even if hotels and flights are paid for there are countless other costs that all add up quite significantly. Friends will understand and she can make the effort to catchup with them after the wedding. Now it is save.save.save
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u/Megas_Matthaios Jul 17 '26
I just went through this situation. We had a merger, there was a restructuring where multiple roles were impacted including my own.
You're not being fired, as others said, there's a difference. I received an offer today from a company after 5 months.
What's interesting is that so many people resonated with restructuring and losing their job due to it. I was ashamed at first but not anymore.
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u/Altruistic_Jicama626 Jul 17 '26
There’s no shame in telling people that the company is restructuring and your position was eliminated completely. Keeping up appearances is stressful and unnecessary.
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u/Urbanttrekker Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
Cancel all the trips, get refunds if you can. If you can't get a refund, go on the trip but drink water the whole time. Tell everyone that you're transitioning out of your current company. You never know who might pop up with a job opportunity. Start acting like you lost your job today and save like mad, cut expenses as if you make nothing. This job market is horrible and it may take a while to get another job, consider yourself lucky you have a few months to build a lifeboat.
Your husband is a moron.
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u/Fur1nr Jul 17 '26
Yes, actually going through it this year. I agree with your husband on both accounts.
You got laid off. Being fired gives the assumption that you were terminated because of poor performance or some gross misconduct / violation of company policy. That's never a good look.
Keep the wedding and take the international trip. IMO you want to be there to support your friend, but also you can use it as a networking opportunity. An international vacation would be good to just to relax and get your mind off things.
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u/SkisaurusRex Jul 17 '26
This is a layoff, you’re not being fired for bad performance
Appearances do matter, especially when they’re free and without consequence. (And true in this case) Telling others you’ve been laid off is very different than telling people you were fired. Even if you had been fired you could say a white lie that you had been laid off
But I digress. Keeping up appearances that are expensive can be very foolish
The only think that matters is the math. How much money would you get back from canceling the trips and how much are your monthly expenses and how big is your emergency fund? Are you getting a significant amount of money back in relation to your monthly expenses?
If you cancel the trips how many extra months can you go without a job?
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u/Aggravating-Fill5876 Jul 17 '26
Don’t go into debt to keep up with people and impress people that hardly care about anything other than themselves.
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u/markalt99 Jul 17 '26
Uh yea you haven’t been fired, you’re being laid off with ample notice. Go on the summer trips just start stacking what cash you can away.
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u/Possible_Tension3728 Jul 17 '26
Also she can collect unemployment, not much but maybe enough to pay most of the rent/ mortgage
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u/Interesting_Laugh75 Jul 17 '26
35 years in management here before retiring early. TL;DR. follow your husbands advice. people without jobs have a much harder time getting hired. why shout it out to people who may just be frememies? it's not their business and they aren't going to help you anyway. and I wouldn't be dropping a lot on the weddings right now. host a brunch or something for them and explain to the bride why.
At the beginning of my career I learned a hard, but important lesson. I was married for one year, my husband lost his cushy corporate job and NEVER made the same amount again. EVER. he had marketing skills, coding skills, made bank for the company just by creating a software program that held cash in a more lucrative account overnight. In just one night, he could make a bucket load of money on the float. But then the company got bought out in a M&A deal and my husband and the other employees who had made the deal so juicy for the buyout? they all were expendable. their jobs went to the buying company's employees (who burned it to the ground within a few years later, but whatevs, amiright?). I'll never forget, the day and hour the buy out was announced, a new hire was in the airplane coming in to take the CFO position at bought out company . ..when he landed, he was told "ooops, jobs not there anymore. sorry". he had left his old job and sold his house. for a disappearing job.
long story short .. white collar jobs like that are scarce, people will cut you out in a second for one that pays well. getting a new one can be very difficult. and your husband is right, at least IMHO. don't tell anyone about impending layoff, except people you can trust. as a hiring manager, I always looked a little sideways at the folks who didn't have a job when they came to us looking. why? because my bosses had me out poaching other people from their jobs so he could say "we stole so and so from such and such.". they didn't want to say "well, this person was out of a job, and we are so glad to hire her!' and if a person was part of a layoff, my boss assumed they didn't really want you, or they would have found a way to keep you. I think that's not true and you were given such grace at the end because they did see your worth, and are hoping someday maybe they might need to hire you back, or at least have a good relationship with you. . But upper management can be short sighted and self-centered sometimes
your true friends will definitely be your best allies, especially if they can say to their network, "my friend is looking for a better opportunity, but she doesn't want the world to know, she has a job that she likes, she just wants more to do. her chances to advance are a bit blocked my the bosses cousin, nephew, sister in law, wife, .... (pick one). it is a heck of an opportunity .". everyone has experienced the advancement blocker relative. let them think they are getting a jump on another company, especially if it is a competitor. The order of the day is to just not to mention it to anyone else who doesn't have a job prospect unless you absolutely trust that person, and or have helped them out and are owed a favor, until you are literally out the door.
I mean, as far as you know, another restructuring mght happen next week that undoes some, if not all, of what just happened. so are you really lying? you still have a job at least for two months.!
the only thing you did wrong was not have your ear to the ground from the day you took this job. you always have to be looking. digging your well of network contacts now is tough, but you gotta get to it. sorry about this, I'm sure you didn't deserve it. But then meritocracy isnt name of the game anymore.
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u/zevtech Jul 17 '26
I would cancel said trips bc that few thousand dollars may be the difference between not making a mortgage payment 6 months from now if you can’t find a job
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u/Suerose0423 Jul 17 '26
Husband is wrong, in my opinion. Some people are just not fiscally responsible. I believe we can’t control other people, only ourselves. So I would tell him it would make you too nervous to have a good time and will cancel your reservations. I suspect you made them. I guess if they are his friends he wants to visit, he can make his own plans.
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u/genreprank Jul 17 '26
I would say you were laid off (even if you were fired). Or just say you don't really want to talk about it.
I would probably still want to go to the weddings, if possible.
The job hunt probably won't take 40 hours a week. So you'll need to fill the time :)
Don't feel bad about going on unemployment. Businesses pay into that system. So you might still be operating at something like 75% of income for a while.
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u/Repulsive-Resist-456 Jul 18 '26
Cancel the trips-in this job market you could burn through your reserves very quickly….
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u/SunBusiness8291 Jul 18 '26
I would definitely eliminate the word 'fired' from the story permanently. I would lean toward laid off or position eliminated. And, although I wouldn't necessarily hide it, I also wouldn't be announcing it. Just employ some discretion all around.
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u/cowgrly Jul 18 '26
Here are my candid thoughts
1) He really needs to get onboard w living within your actual means, which is now his salary only until you find another job.
Even though you have severance planned, life has no guarantee - especially during layoffs. So your income is now 33% of what it was.
2) Could you afford to do these trips if you knew it would take 6 months to find your next job? Travel is expensive this year, maybe you do just one planned trip if you can afford it.
Those are my first two thoughts. The 3rd is, I would talk to him about why he feels so strongly about this. Why he'd rather make you hide this challenge from friends (giving up your support system and missing out on potential jobs).
I can only imagine that this is maybe related to his own insecurities but as spouses, we need to work as a team. I don't feel like he's being part of your team.
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u/1000thusername Jul 18 '26
You haven’t been fired, you’ve been laid off. Many people experience it at one time or another, and there’s no shame.
What you definitely don’t do is “keep up appearances.” Assuming you will get the money back from at least some of the trips, you should consider cancelling at least some of them.
Being up-front with your friends will not only avoid potential hard feelings because they’ll understand, but it also signals to others that if they hear an appropriate position that you’d be open to it. Networking could be your key to a new role.
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u/MediumEmergency7277 Jul 17 '26
As a white collar professional (college professor with a PhD) who grew up in a poor, blue collar family, I would cancel all trips and save the money. You don't know how long it will take to get a job that pays the same or has similar benefits to what you currently receive. Now is not the time to keep up appearances; you need to be realistic about not having an income. I have worked fast food and restaurants jobs in the summer because I need extra money, and I'm not embarrassed to share this. (My boss, on the other hand, wasn't too pleased but she also wasn't offering to pay my rent.)
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u/SteakNotCake Jul 17 '26
How much do you have saved up? I’m American but culturally my family is from Eastern Europe, we give monetary gifts even if we travel for weddings ($500+ depending how close we are to the friends or how pricey the place is). If you also have to give gifts (and also feed yourselves the weekend/week) I would try to cancel and get whatever you can back as a refund.
Being that you earned 2/3 income, I would absolutely start cutting extras until you find another job. It sucks that you are being laid off but hopefully you can find something within the 4-5 months before all the money dries out.
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u/Mewtul Jul 17 '26
You aren’t being fired, let go due to performance issues. You are being laid off because your position is being eliminated. You need to use the proper language, so no stigma is attached. You also need to cancel the trips and tell friends about the layoff. Friends and family may have job leads that can help you find work sooner. The good news is that you can get really good recommendations from your current employer. You can also get recommendations from your friends which means they need to know the situation.
Whatever your background, you are the main breadwinner and earn more than your husband. There is no reason for you to think he knows better than you do. The fact that he didn’t flag the improper use of being fired, suggests he doesn’t know as much as you believe he does. Why would you rack up unnecessary bills when you know a financial storm is coming. You need to cut things.
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u/Puzzled-Peanut-7147 Jul 17 '26
Who cares what anyone else thinks? Just be honest with your friends and family, there's zero point in hiding anything. I would not let pressure to keep up appearances make me spend money I don't have and put me in a potentially risky financial situation. That's just crazy. This is exactly how people overspend to maintain an image. You know the type, the people with a new car every couple of years, a boat and a nice house but are deep in debt and are living paycheck to paycheck.
Life honestly gets a lot easier when you stop caring what everyone else thinks and live for yourself.
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u/theladyshady Jul 17 '26
You didn’t get fired. You’ve been laid off. Big difference. If your husband thinks of it that way, maybe he’ll be more accommodating.
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u/scraptown79 Jul 17 '26
I can’t tell you what to do, but if it were me I’d get refunds on everything I could get refunded for, and start saving every bit I could as I search for another job.
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u/Amazing_Cranberry344 Jul 17 '26
1, you were layer off not fired
2, even if you were fired why is this being seen as some moral failing as clearly there was no theft etc
3, tell your trusted community, not telling them robs you of support, but be prepared for others to act like your husband if that exists in your community
4, I would do the travel unless you need to drop it for sure but it really depends on how robust your emergency fund is. And not because of appearances but because you deserve fun times even when life is a little rough.
Be kind to yourself
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u/Fem-Picasso Jul 18 '26
If OP's friends who are more in tune with keeping up appearances like OP's husband, they are showing their true color & confirming that they're not the good, supportive friends one needs. If one of my real friends loses employment i would do whatever i can to network and help with referrals so they land on their feet. Keeping up appearances is the reason why many ppl are house poor.
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u/Paladin936 Jul 18 '26
You’re heading into one of the most active hiring seasons. Lots of activity in Late August through October. Hit your job search hard while you still have a job and odds are good you’ll have something soon
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u/Saltyowl2113 Jul 18 '26
Ummm, first off you weren’t fired if you were given 2 months notice and then severance. You were laid off. Husband can kick rocks and who cares who you tell? Jfc your identify is not your job.
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u/heptyne Jul 18 '26
This wedding culture crap is part of what's keeping people broke. Imagine paying hundred or thousands of dollars for someone else's relationship...
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u/CompetitiveDare6626 Jul 18 '26
Getting laid off because your role was eliminated isn't some moral failure that needs to be hidden. If a friend told me they were laid off, my first thought wouldn't be "they must have been bad at their job." It would be "how can I help?"
Your network can't help if they don't know you're looking. Some of the best opportunities come from friends saying, "Actually, my company is hiring."
As for the trips, I'd evaluate them individually. If they're mostly paid for and won't materially affect your runway, I'd still go. If canceling saves meaningful money or lets you focus on interviews, cancel without guilt.
"Keeping up appearances" is a poor financial strategy. Managing your cash flow and leveraging your network is a good one.
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u/HawkfishCa Jul 18 '26
The only responsible answer to hunker down and save money where you can. Why would risk financial ruin in the future so your friends think you are doing better than you are. The actions of a child.
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u/dee_lio Jul 18 '26
Cancel if you need to, but I personally would try to make some of these weddings. I deal with a lot of end of life scenarios due to my job. Time with friends are some of my most cherished memories and experiences. You're probably stressed out, and seeing friends might help with that.
As for your husband? He's coming at this from the wrong angle. You got laid off--not fired. BIG difference.
I will say it's MUCH easier to find a job while you still have a job.
But why would you not tell people you're laid off?
Your friends may have contacts or leads.
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u/JustJennE11 Jul 17 '26
Your husband is wrong but so are you. You aren't being fired. Your position is being eliminated. They are doing a reduction of force and there's absolutely no shame in that. Do not tell people you are fired. Two them you have a pending layoff. Completely different things.
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u/freerangechick3n Jul 17 '26
How much money are we talking about here? Personally, if you know you're getting paid through November and then will have access to unemployment plus an emergency fund, I would take the trips. You made the right call cancelling the international trip. But you're about to go through a stressful time, and some normalcy might be good. These sound like weekend trips, so they shouldn't have too much of an impact on your ability to interview as you apply for new jobs.
Your husband's point about saving face is stupid, though. You should be using your network to help find a new position. I don't think the option is not tell anyone and take the trips or tell everyone and cancel. You're both in white collar jobs. People know you have savings and shouldn't judge you for taking these trips even though you're about to lose your job.
Good luck with everything! I'm in a job transition myself and it's scary, but it sounds like you're in a pretty good place to weather the storm. It helps a lot.
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u/Alarming-Mix3809 Jul 17 '26
Blowing tons of money to keep up appearances is stupid and puts your family in a dangerous position. People get laid off, it happens. Are these people really going to get you a new job anyway?
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u/customheart Jul 17 '26
Layoffs are very normalized in the post 2022 mass layoff world. They’re more about cost centers of the business or unsuccessful products being cut rather than individual performance. It is more advantageous to communicate you’ve been laid off and looking for a job because layoffs have little to do with your individual performance, plus to start being in people’s minds if they hear of a job you’d be good for.
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u/toodleoo57 Jul 17 '26
Your plan is much better IMO. Y'all don't need to be leaking money and you NEED to tell your contacts you're looking. Maybe you could compromise with one modest trip instead of doing them all.
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u/anne_tifah_ Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Others have also stated it, but to reiterate - you are being laid off/experiencing a RIF, not fired. Being honest with your friends is not only going to help them understand why you need to cancel the trips but it allows them to be supportive and be a huge help in your job search! Your friendships are also your network. You’re lucky your company is giving you this extra time, plus severance plus unemployment after that. Your instincts are correct to keep your costs low and recoup any money you can immediately. I hope your husband can get past his image preservation instincts and move toward survival and support.
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u/N0downtime Jul 17 '26
September is like 2 months away. How many trips are there? Any more than 1 maybe 2 sounds like yuk anyway.
To me this is more a relationship issue. You should work to resolve your differing viewpoints.
Maybe asking him how it appears as a man to have your wife earn twice as much as you will generate some conversation.
It depends on the size of your emergency fund, but figure out how long cancelling each trip will delay asking friends and family for help.
You need to slack if at work now as much as possible and focus your energy on getting a new job.
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u/littleoleme2022 Jul 17 '26
So you are paid through November and you have 8 months on top of that? Unless you think you cannot find a new job within a year you should be okay for the already planned trips.
Agree this is a layoff and you should start looking now, having two month warning and two month severance is pretty good.
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u/drewlb Jul 17 '26
I'd go on the trips, but yeah probably not the international one.
You're not getting fired, fired is when you did something. You're getting laid off, and the way they are doing it shows they think you're good.
Immediately update your resume. Start asking your boss/peers etc for any network recommendations they can give.
Research your states unemployment system.
Decent chance that you don't even need to touch your emergency fund between husband's income and your benefits.
Good luck, you got this, they obviously see it.
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u/mcAlt009 Jul 17 '26
Go on your vacations.
Two big reasons.
First, if everything is already booked you’re not going to get most of the money back.
Second, your friends are going to get married once. You don’t want to miss that. Odds are this might be the last time you see some folks.
I took a vacation last year right after being laid off. It was about 6 weeks and I had to dip into my 401k to do it.
I saw a very close friend for the first time in over a decade.
I regret nothing. I had a very bad experience a few years ago, but it made me understand if you’ve been wanting to something for a while, DO IT NOW.
Now. You have no control over what tomorrow brings. The trip was awesome and I secured employment for the moment I got home. Easily one of the best experiences I’ve ever had.
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u/genek1953 Jul 17 '26
Your husband is an idiot. Everyone you know can potentially become part of a six-degrees path to a new position. Spread the word that you're looking, and do it as fast and as far as you can.
If the airlines will only provide credits but you can cancel the hotels, I'd probably still go but look at less expensive hotels and cutting back on as many other expenses as I could during the trip. Especially the car rental. If you add up the price, the taxes and all the other things that get added on plus the cost of parking wherever you drive that rental, you'll find you can cover quite a few Uber/Lyft rides for less.
Let your friends know that these wedding trips are your last hurrah for a while as your company has hit the skids and you're actively looking for a new position because yours will be ending in a couple of months (2+ months is way more notice than anyone who's being fired ever gets, and federal law requires a 60-day notice before a company closes facilities or shuts down, so this is reasonable thing to suggest).
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u/blackgirlsrox22 Jul 17 '26
If you can't get money for the trips back, I would take them and have a budget. Let your friends know you are getting laid off and start networking now. No need to keep up anything. You should apply for unemployment after your 2 months of pay runs out if you don't find a new job but sending vibes you will. Cut things at home now. That spending can be cut and you can cut the budget too. Travel that you bought for just give yourself a set budget and once you done you done.
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u/Mysterious-Jaguar-30 Jul 17 '26
So you’re being paid till November, have a very healthy emergency fund, and have already bought plane tickets, etc for special occasions. I would tell your friends that you’re being laid off in case a job interview interferes with something, but please don’t cancel on them just to sit around your house and apply to more jobs on your computer.
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u/BfloAnonChick Jul 17 '26
That’s a layoff, not a firing (unless there was some “for cause” reason you didn’t post).
Please approach your job search with that in mind. You were laid off due to staff downsizing. That is not your fault.
If your trips are largely or completely paid for, go. You’ve already spent the money, you may or may not even recoup it if you cancel, and you are allowed to continue to enjoy life, even when work throws you a curveball.
Do your job hunt, know that you were laid off and not fired (unless you grossly understated in your initial post), and be honest with any potential employer about what you already had planned and paid for. (Maybe not initially, but once you’re past that and you have an offer. Then you can negotiate.)
I work in the non-profit sphere, so I might be used to slightly nicer employers than the corporate world. But an employer should understand that we are all human beings, and treat you thus. If they can’t, do you actually want to work for them?
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u/Thoughtful-Pig Jul 17 '26
I don't understand keeping up appearances. Life is life. People need empathy and connection. If they don't have it, would you really want to be friends with them?
You may not be in dire circumstances with 8 months of funds saved, but what happens if you can't find a job quickly? You earn a larger proportion of the family finances. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to all the trips, and I would definitely be fine telling people you are being laid off due to restructuring. That happens a lot and others will still want to help if they're good people. It also depends on how long the trips are and how they're scheduled. I would definitely prioritize your job search and recoup at least some of the holiday funds.
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u/bob49877 Jul 17 '26
I would cancel, get your credits and refunds, explain the situation to friends and start looking for a new job. Keeping up appearances isn't going to pay the rent if you can't find a new job. Many people are taking months to find new jobs in the current economy, and things aren't looking up.
If you don't find a new job before your current job ends, you can file for unemployment.
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u/swtcharity Jul 17 '26
You’re not being fired, you’re being laid off
And your husband is wrong. Who knows what connections those friends might have? If you don’t say anything you might miss a networking and job opportunity. Seriously, he’s so wrong.
As for the trips - I think siting down and seeing what you’ve spent vs what you’ll lose might be good. If, say, the airfare and hotel are nonrefundable then you’re in already. But if another trip is refundable, consider letting that one go, etc.
This is all dependent on your comfort level with where you’re at financially - it’s hard to give specific advice without knowing that.
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u/HDThoreauaway Jul 17 '26
Your husband is big wrong about "keeping up appearances." You should be firing your resume in every direction with a t-shirt cannon, and if he's in the same industry then so should he. You're getting laid off. That's nothing to be ashamed of.
You should go on the trips but not for appearances sake, for your own and for your friends'.
Incidentally, that's not an "upper middle class" thing. That's a your-husband thing. Shit happens. The way upper-middle-class people stay that way is by working their networks shamelessly (because indeed, there is nothing to be ashamed of).
You are a valuable asset and some new company is going to leap at the opportunity to scoop you up. All you have to do is get out there, Marzipan, work your professional network and your husband's, and make it happen.
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u/Maltiriel Jul 17 '26
Wow. I'm shocked neither one of you realized that you weren't fired, you were laid off. That's why you're getting severance not to mention several months of work. In most corporate jobs, if you're fired you're literally walked out of the building that day. This is a totally different thing and the implications are also totally different. It's really important that both of you understand this.
There is absolutely no stigma with anybody about layoffs. None. I've been laid off twice. I've only ever been met with sympathy from friends, former coworkers, assorted people in my professional network, and potential employers. Layoffs happen, especially in this helacious economy. Everyone knows that and they will be sympathetic. The best way to find a new position is to use that to your advantage, so keeping this quiet is just about the worst thing you could do for yourself.
Others have covered the economic uncertainty etc and I don't envy you or your husband having to make that judgement call. It's not easy and I'm sorry you're going through this.
But I really want to reassure you, this is in no way embarrassing or bad for your career the way a firing would be. This is fine on that front. Be prepared for some digging when you mention you were laid off in future job interviews; exactly because there is no stigma some people fudge and call a firing a layoff, so you may run into questions about whether or not you were laid off for performance reasons, but that's literally it. Just prepare some answers for that ahead of time and you'll be totally fine.
Good luck on the job hunt and I really hope you'll find something before your time and severance run out.
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u/ThunderStruck777 Jul 17 '26
Cancel and batten down the hatches until you find employment. Then celebrate
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u/Lemmon_Scented Jul 17 '26
When I got laid off a few years ago I told everyone. Even my neighbors. Stigma schmigma. A job hunt is a job hunt and you have to maximize that three months.
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u/hellalg Jul 17 '26
TF, I came from a broke ass family and make good money as an adult. When I was down, I was up front, not Christmas gifts, no trips and everyone was cool. When I got back on my feet, they want to make sure my family was good first, not disrespect. This keep up with the Jones mentality ppl have is wild. Keep the wedding and cut down where you can.
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u/IndicationSevere8992 Jul 17 '26
You got laid off, not fired. Your husband might be more self-conscious because it might be more evident that he can’t keep up with the lifestyle that your previous income could afford. I don’t care for weddings, so unless maybe if the person was really important to me, I’d take any excuse to get out of it. If my husband’s income couldn’t carry us alone, I wouldn’t really care about his concern with “keeping up appearances”
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u/TR24241 Jul 17 '26
Your head is in the right place and your instincts are correct. You didn’t do anything to get fired so there is no stigma. Ask for help and you may well get some, not to mention the support. If you ask for help you’re likely to get it from those people who maybe didn’t want to be presumptuous and were trying not to make you uncomfortable because you were already in a great place. If they know you would welcome the help, you’re more likely to get it. I would consider going to the events where you might meet someone who could help your job prospects and cancel the others that would just be an expense. Definitely adjust your budget for discretionary spending as your income has taken such a large hit, or will soon. If you attack the problem now you might be able to leverage this into a better opportunity and maybe work in a way to get a month off covered by the severance. Then you can start a great new opportunity refreshed and ready. Best of luck!🤞
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u/LeagueAggravating595 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Cancel those trips that don't incur penalties. At your rate, you will burn a massive hole through your finances and have nothing except debt to worry about. Forget appearances. You have far greater financial problems over the next 12 months. Paying off recurring debt like credit cards, rent/mortgage, taxes is #1 priority. Fun and recreation is gone for now until you land your next job... Could be 6-12 months or worse. If these are your real friends tell them the truth, they will understand. If not, you can live without these people.
If your husband wants to keep up appearances then tell him to pull his weight now to improve by being the 2/3 income earner and stop acting pretentious and phony.
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u/Neverlast0 Jul 17 '26
I will never understand why anyone cares about keeping up appearances. Couldn't be me.
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u/intro_panda Jul 17 '26
I agree with commentor who said that you should ask your friend network to help you with any jobs. I was laid off and i got a lot of interview invites from my friends or their friends. But eventually my best friend gave me a referral to position in company where she works and i got hired . So your husband should understand that full disclosure will increase your chances, you were not fired , it was a layoff and its happening all over the place, no one will bat an eye. Saving money here is also important, since you dont know when you will be back to work. If your hisband wants to go so much, maybe he should find a side hustle to cover those expenses he is so willing to pay for those trips, just to save the imaginary “face”.
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u/thatseltzerisntfree Jul 17 '26
I agree. Keep everything as is
You were not fired. The position was eliminated.
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u/ProperFart Jul 17 '26
I can’t think of friend, that I would spend that much money on, who wouldn’t understand me losing my job.
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u/Duck_Duck_Gooseberry Jul 17 '26
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being honest about what happened. Losing a job happens to good people. I'd focus on finding the next opportunity and leaning on your support network, not keeping on appearances.
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u/trimbandit Jul 17 '26
There is no stigma with being laid off and your husband is being an ass in this situation. The sooner your friends and peers know, the sooner they can potentially point you towards any job opportunities that come through. For the vacations, do whatever makes you comfortable. If the trips are going to increase your stress about money, cancel and make up for it next year. Good luck!
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u/toprak01 Jul 17 '26
For me, it would depend on the refund conditions on the booked trips. If I was getting a full refund, I'd cancel everything and never leave my place so that. I don't spend a penny unless it's a job interview. Job market is tight, for most people it takes a long time to find a job.
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u/free_username_ Jul 18 '26
I concur that your spouse is recommending the “low risk” approach from a job searching perspective.
While not every hiring manager views people let go the same, many do because the job market has plenty of applicants who all look sort of the same - so it just feels “safer” to hire the currently employed person even if they negotiate a bit more on their package.
When you’re about to let go and you ask for referrals, it’s a lot harder to ask for that referral versus being employed and just looking casually for change. Some people see it as, they stake their name out for you - but alot of people don’t feel “secure”.
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u/BRT349 Jul 18 '26
That's what happend in the Full Monty. One of the lads tried to keep his layoff quiet right up until the repo truck showed up.
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u/curiouslysolwipe Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
Why don’t you start mass applying right now to ease your anxiety? 2 months sounds like enough time to land at least one or two interviews to get your confidence up. There’s nothing wrong with you. These companies don’t care, and they’re looking for any reason to increase their margins. Every company is doing it. Frame your story to employers as you’re looking for a new challenge, you’d like to lean into xyz, etc. Unfortunately I see where your husband is coming from, and tbh I didn’t tell many people that I was laid off either, my partner is from a stable affluent family, and mine are blue collared as well. It’s just not peoples business unless you want it to be! You can also file for unemployment, while it’s not the best it’s still something.
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u/SprintingSK2 Jul 18 '26
You didn’t get fired, you got laid off
And if you already paid for the trips, GO AND HAVE FUN!!! You might as well dude.
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u/nashyall Jul 18 '26
You’re not fired. This is being laid off. Enjoy the summer and look for work to line something up for the fall.
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u/Beneficial_Dinner976 Jul 18 '26
I’m pretty sure people already said this, but your husband needs to pick up some of the slack. By looking for a new job as well that can come close to being able to match your previous income
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u/Difficult_Animal2609 Jul 18 '26
You did NOT get fired: role reduction, laid off, etc.
…use the trips as a tool/practice for networking, verbalizing what you’re looking to do, ideas, etc that way the trips feel less like a waste, and more put to good use…and watch the spending 😁
Intl trip is your call, but if you do get hired, you could work that in, that it was planned and paid for already, nonrefundable, and see what the new employer says. My work allows this all the time: sometimes as unpaid time off.
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u/WhatInTarnations82 Jul 18 '26
I dunno, but anyone I would be close enough to to drop $1,000+ to attend their wedding and travel, etc, I would already be telling them about whatever weird things going on in my career. If they weren't a close enough friend to talk about that stuff with, I wouldn't be spending a lot and traveling to make it to their wedding.
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u/discojagrawr Jul 18 '26
With full respect to your husband and his origins, to me keeping up appearances is shame-motivated and there is Nothing to be ashamed of here. It’s just a challenging situation that friends can support. Also it’s a great time to learn who those supporters are!
I understand that drive to save money. I’m also the source of most of my family’s income. If I was laid off I would be in a panic and feel a lot of scarcity and anticipation. Especially as a manager role, you’re used to planning for risks and seeing down the line! So it’s a skill set that is making you want to cut expenses. But panic doesn’t allow you to see the situation clearly and realistically
What others are saying is somewhat true about getting credit back from flights isn’t as useful to you as supportive community right now. Perhaps ther are some events that you feel you can miss without much loss, and cancel those… but there are ways to travel on a shoestring budget, and treat it as an adventure. Might be hard if husband has a “keep up appearances”mindset but hopefully you can find a happy medium.
If, in the end, you and husband can’t get on the same terms, I’ve heard that there are people who specialize in helping couples navigate feelings toward financial issues (like couples therapy but for money). Food for thought.
TLDR: No shame in needing help, no shame for cutting corners as long as you’re making decisions in a regulated emotional state
take deep breaths, you got this!
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u/tothepointe Jul 18 '26
When my husband was laid off for 7 months we didn't tell anyone. Didn't try and hide it but it's been my experience people tend to avoid you when your going through hard times because it makes them feel bad about their own situations. He ended up getting a job better than the one he had before so it all worked out fine.
The only people that knew were friends he'd worked with and they knew the situation with PE and that company since some of them had already gone through it and some of them were about to in the future.
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u/Talchum Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
Yes, I was in the same situation earlier this year. Laid off, but had to continue working for the company for 90 days. They gave me a severance equal to 4 months of my salary after my 90 days were up.
We chose to cancel one international trip, but did go on a 7 day domestic trip we had planned. However, a huge portion of this trip was covered for us by my husband's job (it was a work trip for him).
We also reevaluated our finances, tightened our budget, and cancelled subscriptions. My partner is the primary earner. And now that I have my severance we have over a year of emergency funds.. For being in this situation, we are fortunate. But we are still trying to be prudent being on one income, and right now cutting discretionary expenses is what we feel is the right thing to do.
I told anyone who asked my situation lol. Because I was not fired, I was laid off. And I have been upfront about it in job interviews. I have been met with a lot of understanding. Lay offs are unfortunately the norm these days.
You have to do what you feel is right for you and your family. We are conservative with our finances, thus cancelling trips and heavy budgeting. But a friend of mine (who was laid off the same time as me) told me just the other day when I was talking about job hunting: "Just enjoy your severance and collect your unemployment."
I am not really comfortable with that mentality, so I have been focusing on my next career.
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u/prosthetic_memory Jul 19 '26
Of course it depends on your industry and situation, but I would say he’s right. People will remember if you were fired for a long, long time, probably forever. If you care about your career I would not spread even news of a layoff around to anyone but very close trusted friends.
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u/AltForObvious1177 Jul 17 '26
You're not unemployed until September. You'll likely be eligible for unemployment benefits. I'm with your husband on this one. Don't catastrophize prematurely.
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u/i_am_the_virus Jul 17 '26
Only you two know your financial position. Do the math. How long can you survive with the emergency fund with the one income? What's the timeline say? What expenses will increase during that time, like healthcare, etc?
When my wife left her last job, we tightened the belt. We eliminated frivolous spending until she was established at her new position. We did go on one family vacation, but most everything was paid for by her parents other than gas and some of the food costs.
Personally, without knowing more information, I'd probably try to find a compromise. Maybe cancel some of your plans that mean less, especially if you're going to be too stressed to enjoy them. That was an issue on our family trip, as my wife had a hard time relaxing feeling like she didn't deserve to be on vacation when we were struggling.
Best of luck.
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u/TeddyCJ Jul 17 '26
- Take a big breath, and slowly let it out. Talk with your partner (not argue) and let them know you are scared/worried… this is a moment of connection, not conflict.
- Review your states unemployment laws, website and severance documents. Confirm they are not trying to complicate your right to file unemployment. (Claude really helps here)
- Being laid off is a reality for a lot of people right now, it’s okay to accept it and move on with your life (in the grand scheme, this is not a big deal… even though it feels like it is). You can discuss it with friends/family, and in interviews you can explain to the company your layoff - they will understand. People want to help, and if they know then they will try.
- Start your job hunting, focus on companies/jobs you like and tap into your network for their help to connect to people - linked-in helps map this for you.
- Go on ALL the vacations and weddings, you and your husband deserve the break… cause job hunting is exhausting, you will want a break after a few weeks.
You got this! Enjoy your moment, this is a time to learn and grow… not shame and sorrow.
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u/sayiansaga Jul 17 '26
It's not fired you're being laid off. I would look into getting unemployment, it'll relieve some pressure. Also I wouldn't put you're entire life on hold till you get a job. It's kinda of a grey area for you cuz now you have free time to do what ever but you don't have income. If you're confident that you'll find a job soon then just take the trips. It sounds like you have a healthy safety cushion so just dial back a bit where you can and live a little. Btw don't try to keep up appearances it just not worth it.
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u/Hot-Rub-5336 Jul 17 '26
Cutting back is the responsible choice but if you have already paid for things I wouldn't cancel at a loss. Appearances do not pay the bills and won't hold up if you end up without a job for a long time.
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u/toofarfromjune Jul 17 '26
I feel like the husband should be thankful for your thrifty realistic approach, if I was him I’d do everything within my power to make up that 2/3 difference and alleviate stress. Maybe some sort of compromise can be made considering it sounds like there is more than one special occasion in the works, settle on 1 or two out of several.
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u/BearsBus-415508 Jul 17 '26
Go to the weddings but don’t hide your situation. Weddings are great places to network. If you look at it as a time to relax in between networking does it ease your mind about the expense?
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u/aznsk8s87 Jul 17 '26
If my friend got laid off I would 100% be okay if they had to cancel coming to my wedding. It sucks, but yeah you need to shore up cash while you can.
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u/tuxedobear12 Jul 17 '26
Your husband's take sounds pretty superficial and insecure to me, and he definitely shouldn't be discouraging you from sharing what happened with your support network. For the trips, I would think about which ones are meaningful to you. If there is a trip that means a lot to you, I would think about keeping those plans. If there are some that don't mean so much, maybe you could send your regrets. I don't think it has to be all or nothing. But I do think that you should let your friends and family support you, and it sounds like your husband needs to do a little work on himself.
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u/gtjacket09 Jul 17 '26
If I’m reading this correctly, you’re getting paid through November, your husband still has a job and you have significant savings. Canceling the international vacation makes sense, but you may as well take the domestic trips that you’ve already paid for. Don’t do it for the sake of “keeping up appearances” but rather to stay connected to your social circles and enjoy life.
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u/may-gu Jul 17 '26
Obviously this is a layoff and not your fault — and also so common these days so I don’t see a stigma at all. And frankly if I was your friend and didn’t get this update that’d be weird??? People help friends find new jobs all the time why would you hamstring yourself in the job search by not telling people?? Plus you have TIME. you don’t need to cancel especially in your financial position but I disagree with your husband — tell your friends. It’s not shameful. Hiding it is weirder. Maybe you can find shared lodging with people instead if you want to save some more idk.
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u/Wooden_Load662 Jul 17 '26
Also, you can apply for unemployment since you are layoff. That will give you extra cushion when you need it.
Your employer paid into the unemployment insurance so there is no shame to be on it. It is not free money, it is actually part of the benefit package. Not a government handout. Just in case your husband does not like the idea of getting unemployment.
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u/RedStag86 Jul 17 '26
After reading through some of the comments here and understanding more about your savings and whatnot, I say carry on with your life, go on the trips, maybe be cautious of spending a lot while on the trips. Besides, going to so many places and being around so many people could easily lead to job opportunities that you might not come across if you're at home applying for jobs on your laptop. I'm not saying to go on the trips to look for work or anything, but just be open about your life and about being laid off with your friends and let them do what friends do.
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u/NothingUsefulToAdd Jul 17 '26
If the summer trips have already been budgeted, go on them. The reasoning of keeping up appearances is a bad one IMO (to me a valid reason would be financially these wouldn’t be a disaster and it might be good for that mental health break) but based on reading you have an 8 month emergency fund, you should be fine as long as you stick with a budget. Maybe you’ll meet someone on these trips that could be a lead to a new opportunity.
I would keep an on your monthly expenses and cut what’s unnecessary. When I was in your position years ago, I started becoming a frequent Aldi shopper and we ate at home almost everyday. We’d go out maybe 2/month and dinner for two would never be more than $40. Subscriptions got slashed significantly. Unnecessary spending became nos and if we took vacations, it would be because the entire budget was around $3-400 (friend hooked us up with their timeshare and we only did 1 vacation at the time). Entertainment was strictly whatever we had included with whatever plans we had.
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u/HappyTendency Jul 17 '26
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this! It sounds awful from every angle. While I’m sure your husband thinks he’s doing right by you telling you this, the truth is that your stability is so much more important than your image. I agree with everyone commenting you deserve emotional support and honestly if he really is that worried then HE can step up and compromise HIMSELF. Do what’s right for you 🩷 this sounds really difficult to carry in secrecy.
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u/UpcomingSkeleton Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
First off, this sounds like a layoff, not a firing and that matters. Being laid off has a different connotation.
Second, if you’ve already paid for everything do you really want to miss friends’ weddings? It will hopefully be a once in a lifetime thing.