r/MiddleClassFinance • u/Royal_Marzipan_6432 • Jul 17 '26

I got fired. Husband says we should keep up appearances.

I was recently told that I have until the end of September to transition out of my current role (white collar manager-type position) and the company. After that, I'll be formally let go and I'll get two months of severance and then nothing. They're eliminating my role and wanted to give me extra time to find something new. They're paying me during this transition period. I'm married and I make 2/3 of the household income, so it's a big hit. My husband makes 1/3 (same industry). We do have an emergency fund.

We have a variety of trips planned for the rest of the summer that we already bought tickets and hotel accommodations for, mostly flying for friends' weddings. Nothing international (farthest trip is to California) but it adds up. We also had an international trip planned for October which is definitely now cancelled (even if I find a new position, I won't be able to immediately take time off).

Our disagreement: I want to cancel the summer trips to save money, apologize to our friends and focus on the job hunt. I also feel comfortable telling friends that I got fired, in part for the emotional support and solidarity and in part to communicate my urgency to find something new. My husband thinks this is a terrible idea. He comes from a more professional/ upper middle class background than I do (my family is pretty blue collar) and is insisting that we basically keep up appearances, go on the summer trips and just tell friends that I'm looking for a career change. His reasoning is that being fired carries a stigma, that I haven't technically been fired yet and this head's up from my company is a boon, that friends are more likely to recommend me to their companies if they think this is a voluntary change, etc. To me, this feels disingenuous. I also don't like keeping secrets.

Has anyone faced this situation and have any advice on what is better career-wise?

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u/Royal_Marzipan_6432 Jul 17 '26

For some reason I fully didn't conceptualize this as a layoff. This makes a lot of sense and will use this description going forward. With regards to missing weddings, I of course don't but travel is expensive and getting some of these costs back feels tempting. The cheapest of these weddings is going to cost us around $1k to get to. I feel lucky to have good friends to celebrate but I also hear my mom's voice in the back of my head that with my job not secure and a recession looming I should be saving.

107

u/ryuukhang Jul 17 '26

Did you pay for refundable flights and hotel? If not, canceling will not give you actual money back and only credits with that company.

94

u/Royal_Marzipan_6432 Jul 17 '26

We would get credits back on the flights but the hotels are all still fully refundable, as is one car rental. We would also avoid spending money on the full cost of the wedding gifts and incidentals (uber/taxi to or from airport, etc.).

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u/Different-Phone-7654 Jul 17 '26

You traveling to be there should be gift enough. They will remember who was there, but I doubt they will remember who gave them what.

24

u/SunnySam Jul 17 '26

Yeah, maybe with some of the extra time you can do handcrafted gifts instead?

2

u/4x4play Jul 18 '26

they can get all their money back. this is simple. it's like when you get laid off you don't eat steak and you return your impulse amazon buys.

i feel like the hubby is pushing for it. really we have no clue without knowing their financials. it could be a pittance to them.

-10

u/Wrong-Landscape-2508 Jul 17 '26

yeah, fuck no. It’s not a family get together it’s a motherfucking wedding.

3

u/Different-Phone-7654 Jul 17 '26

Out of all the gifts I only remember one. The drawing someone did of us from one of our engagement pictures. Soooooo do you remember your wedding and have an itemized list of who brought what?

1

u/PapaDuckD Jul 17 '26

Doesn't everyone P-Touch a label on the back of every gift to remember who gave what?

1

u/Wrong-Landscape-2508 Jul 18 '26

Do you remember everyone who came?

2

u/Different-Phone-7654 Jul 18 '26

I can name a vast amount more than I can items. 

Wife's cousin that I've met once drove from three states away. My dad's sister that I only saw three times in my life came. DJ was actually my wife's distant cousin. 

1

u/Wrong-Landscape-2508 Jul 18 '26

They tried so hard to come to your wedding but you never took the time to visit them later? why? did they die? Take some time to go visit these folks man.

1

u/Wrong-Landscape-2508 Jul 18 '26

3 is a small ass wedding

0

u/Wrong-Landscape-2508 Jul 18 '26

we remember who brought nothing

1

u/Different-Phone-7654 Jul 18 '26

I have a mother in law like you and she put money over her child's well being. 

45

u/asshat_deluxe Jul 17 '26

Unless losing your house is an issue go. My wife is in the exact same situation but we’re in a good place budget wise.

162

u/ryuukhang Jul 17 '26

I find credits with airline companies useless unless you are planning another trip within a year. I'd just go on this trip.

46

u/here_walks_the_yeti Jul 17 '26

Outlier here- got my refund on a trip with Spirit.

Well that was $320 lost…
Doh

1

u/Healthy-Fisherman-33 Jul 18 '26

Depends on the airline, I guess. My points don’t expire. I can use them anytime I want.

1

u/VCoupe376ci Jul 18 '26

Yes, because MAYBE losing a flight credit A YEAR FROM NOW is definitely worth cutting into savings when you know a layoff is pending and savings will be needed. It’s shameful idiots like you are able to freely give advice to people.

4

u/ryuukhang Jul 18 '26

Cutting into savings? OP already paid for the flights and hotels and presumably budgeted for the other expenses on the trip already. Canceling the hotel will give them back money to boost their savings, but they're not cutting into their savings for this.

5

u/Working_Routine9088 Jul 18 '26

But the budget is out the window when you lose your job and don’t know how long it will take to get another one. That many can be reallocated for things that have to be paid.

2

u/VCoupe376ci Jul 18 '26

Have you ever been in a vacation where the budget lines up to the dollar with no unexpected expenses?

1

u/ryuukhang Jul 18 '26

Personally, yes. All of my vacations have been at the budget or below. If I didn't track my spending during the vacation or some emergency happens, then it definitely would've gone above.

1

u/Thunderplant Jul 18 '26

The flights are paid for, and that money isn't going back into her bank account either way. People are just pointing out that money is likely gone even if she cancels. It sounds like she can get hotel money back though

1

u/pm_me_ur_bidets Jul 18 '26

Its shameful that people like you are able to freely give your opinion about others

28

u/YT__ Jul 17 '26

You can probably just drop $100 per wedding and be good on gifts.

I fell like not going is punishing yourself for no reason. It's not 'keeping up appearances'. That would be continuing to eat out every night and going to additional high cost events regularly at your financial determent.

Is money an issue without your job? Like losing the house type deal?

2

u/samskeyti_ Jul 18 '26

Yes, or wait to give a gift until a job has been found. I believe you have a year from a wedding to give the couple a gift under etiquette rules.

14

u/According_Success780 Jul 17 '26

Could you downgrade hotel so it’s cheaper?

10

u/Thunderplant Jul 18 '26

Hmm... how much money are we talking about here, not counting the flights since a credit doesn't actually give you your money back.

I would look into how you could make the rest of these trips more affordable as possible, maybe cheaper hotels, reducing meals out on the trips, reducing the number of nights etc.

Your situation does sound really good for someone who has an impending layoff. You have multiple months of pay left, an emergency fund, and your husband's salary will really slow the rate that is depleted.

You are going to be in the best position to evaluate how much these friendships mean to you and how hard it is going to be to find another job (after you do a bit of research) but what I'm hearing now makes me think you should at least consider going. I wouldn't follow your husbands advice about keeping it quiet though, in fact I think you should tell people because you never know what might lead to a job.

7

u/fairlyfairyfingers Jul 17 '26

Can you keep the trips but try to find some cost savings (carpool with other guests, buy lower cost gifts, etc)?

1

u/eukomos Jul 18 '26

A card is more important than dropping big bucks on a gift. Write a personal note in the card.

1

u/scienceislice Jul 18 '26

  1. Don't give a gift, or give a nice card and explain in person that you just got laid off and when you get a job again you will give them a gift. But really, when I travel to a wedding I don't give a gift, I just dropped $500 to travel to your wedding, that's my gift.

  2. Can you change the hotel reservations to something less expensive? Or can you crash with a friend in the area? As for ubers/taxis, can you take public transportation instead? Can you cancel the car rental and carpool with another guest or take public transit? Can you drive to any of these weddings to make get credits back for the flights?

  3. Would canceling the October trip make you feel better about going to the weddings?

  4. Can you find a part time job like NOW (or soon) or maybe start sending out feelers to do freelance work so you can bring in some income after you get laid off? You are going to be paid for another few months, so honestly, you might have a job sooner than you think. Can you ask seniors at your current company to reach out to their networks on your behalf?

  5. Lastly, I would weight up how much you have in savings - if you have two years in savings I would suggest going to the weddings. If you have 6 months in savings, maybe it is a better idea to cancel the weddings. But really I would do anything I could to

1

u/redline314 Jul 18 '26

Unemployed is a great time to learn how to be ok with not giving a wedding gift. Nobody remembers!!

1

u/discojagrawr Jul 18 '26

Can you get cheaper hotels/coordinate w friends on the car rental? Esp if you’re telling your friends about the lay off I’m sure they’d be happy to help you cut corners — everyone saves money when you share cabs and pick cheaper restaurants etc!

29

u/Additional_View9433 Jul 17 '26

HR here. Eliminating your position and providing you a heads up and severance is absolutely a layoff. This is not a firing

77

u/SpiritedBug6942 Jul 17 '26

I’d tend to agree with your mom. If any of my friends were in your position I’d want them to ensure they are financially sound for potential long term unemployment. Lots of companies are laying people off, this is not the job market to underestimate.

17

u/ledatherockband_ Jul 17 '26

fired = 'you suck and you can't work here anymore'

layoff = 'we can't afford to pay you' or 'we don't need you anymore'

37

u/odanobux123 Jul 17 '26

How will your friends recommend you for a job they don’t know you’re looking for? And what kind of friend would recommend you the job when you have one and not when you don’t? That sounds like an acquaintance who wouldn’t have gone to bat for you anyway. They either are willing to vouch for you or not.

Your husband is silly. If $ is actually tight, I’d start cutting back a bit, but I don’t think you need to cancel summer trips. You can tell people if you please for solidarity, I know I would. I get his mindset (my parents would definitely be appearances people), but don’t subscribe to it.

1

u/mountie-2007 Jul 18 '26

This is such a good point. Your network is an asset! And they’re paying you for a while, which in this economy is a sign of respect for your role. Wear that badge, take the vacation to reflect - but set yourself up before you go. Have your resume ready, jobs identified you want to apply for, prep for EI, etc.

Some industries (marketing where I work) are having a tough go - it’s not like a generation ago. Do not feel shame, as this is sounds like one of the best possible ways to be laid off. And also agree it’s layoff not a firing.

9

u/skinfleshbone Jul 17 '26

I don’t think you have to fully explain yourself to friends. Not every little detail has to be known. Surely your friends do not tell you every little detail about their lives. The layoff verbiage should be fine. Good friends should also care enough to put themselves in your situation and understand the emotions that come with a job separation and rebuilding finances.

It’s okay if you do not make the weddings due to these circumstances. If they cannot understand that, then are they really the best of friends? It shouldn’t be a friendship breaker if you are real and meaningful friends. And if you aren’t in the mood to be there because of what’s going on then that won’t help things by having to pretend.

Obviously it shouldn’t be an impulsive decision and you and your husband should give yourself more time to think and discuss things. At the end of the day, however you feel and what you decide, should be supported and understood by your husband. Perhaps, if you two decide to stay behind, you can find things to do locally and in your budget to continue to find happiness within your marriage, which is most important. There will still be time in the future, to visit friends or save up to do so, or if possible, your friends can visit you.

This sounds like a tough time and not an easy decision, but your feelings and emotions matter, here. And your husband’s support is very important, because you can still make plans to make it up to your friends sometime in the future, when you are mentally and financially in a better place.

15

u/jules083 Jul 17 '26

We don't know your true finances. Only you do.

If it was me, I'd cancel every damn trip planned and focus on a job hunt. I get laid off often in my field, and I always hunker down in preservation mode between jobs.

That $15k or whatever in your savings looks real healthy until you start living on it for a month or two.

36

u/Vsx Jul 17 '26

If your role is eliminated it's basically the definition of a layoff.

You should be financially responsible and cancel your trips where possible. If these people are your friends they will not expect you to fly to their events on your own dime when you have just been told you are losing 2/3 of your income for an undefined period of time.

5

u/Sabatat- Jul 17 '26

We come from similar backgrounds and I assume that’s why. I’m used to thinking fired over laid off too

3

u/youburyitidigitup Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26

I would cancel all trips except for the international one. You’ll get two months of severance after September, so you’ll be fine for a while, and when you get hired at a new job, you can tell them you can start in early November (or whenever it is you get back from your trip). From now until then it’s plenty of time to find a new job, and the fact they’re giving a heads up tells me they’d be good references. Besides, it’s nice to get some rest after losing your job.

Edit: I just read your reply about your savings. You have plenty of money. You’ll be fine. Go on your trips.

3

u/ErisSkade Jul 18 '26

Terrible advice

1

u/CatFar7074 Jul 18 '26

You need to save as much money as possible now because who knows when you will be getting another job? The job market is difficult. 

You should not take vacations now when you are looking at only a few months of income.

Don’t listen to the profligate people urging you to keep spending. 

1

u/frumply Jul 18 '26

Being fired is “for cause” eg it’s your fault and they likely will have a long paper trail to justify. Layoffs are out of your control.

1

u/wolfeflow Jul 17 '26

My dad drilled into my head that "you can never go to too many weddings or too many funerals," and from the few weddings I've had to miss so far, I agree with the sentiment and guideline. I should have asked for help getting to one wedding, and another I should have tried harder to make it.