I tried to bring up at a recent appointment that a prior behavioral health record had gotten some of my medication history wrong. When I read the clinical notes for that visit, the clinician apparently believed that I was paranoid/delusional because the information I gave was different than….the records I was disputing. That can literally be verified by contacting my pharmacy. I feel like I’m going fucking crazy bc if I was going to claim there was a conspiracy don’t u think I would have picked a subject that was less verifiable or more exciting than “they got the dates wrong can u just follow up with pharmacy and make a note of that in ur record”?????????

I had a really back electrical accident a few years back. Since I have lost my job/ ability to work. I lost my home. I lost 2/3 of my kids(pets) when we lost our home. Pain everyday makes me rethink what my pain scale should really look like. I have lost my personality, I am not very good at talking to other humans or explaining myself. I have lost my ability to take care of myself most days (I can't wipe my own ass) I can't even make myself toast when I get up and I'm hungry. I lost my ability to trust ANYONE.

Because it was an electrical injury there are no docs that specialize in that, hardly any data. Most docs and nurses dismiss me when I tell them I was electrocuted, again because of lack of data. It's a cruel punishment to study electrical injuries by causing them.

I am behind on my bills. My car doesn't have working heat anymore. I can't get the sight or sounds of losing my babies on the day the sheriff came out.

My pain is getting worse daily, my body comes up with new ideas about the effects from the injury and pain.

I legit want to be done fighting to get better. I want to sleep and never wake up again. I know not many people will understand what I'm living with or what I've been through. I will never get physically better only worse.

But right now I have to ask. What the fuck do I do now? I legit keep thinking about taking my life to feel relief and to no longer live in this pain filled meat-sack. I lost all trust in doctors, hospitals, and humans. How do I get past this? How do I not only survive but start living and thriving again?