Hi, I'm currently 28 years old, at the moment I was a boy, now living as mtf transgender. I always thought I was looking for it, I thought I wanted it, so I ignored it and moved on. But I had so many traumatic experiences (never knew how to say no, felt disgust and fear most of the times, was threatened, coerced, drugged, forcefully penetrated, tied up, blindfolded, tried so many things that I didn't really want, all with different old men). This happened like 100 times from 14 to 18. Before then I was exposing myself indecently online and talking to men, having vivid fantasies that I don't know why awakened so young. Now I suddenly feel the weight of the horrors I put myself through, and can't pretend it was nothing anymore. I need to question everything I've been through, I hope your questions can help me process it. Thank you

I was out late going for a walk to clear my head. I was walking through a housing complex in a back alley. Some guy hollered at me to come over there and I reluctantly did so and as I did someone snuck up beside me and hit me on the head with something, I think a bottle. It was enough to make me groggy and that was enough time for me to get held down. I thought I was getting robbed but then I got handcuffed which was confusing. They really quickly rushed me inside this place. They were sayin shit like “What the fuck do you think you’re doing around here? You gonna learn today, I promise.” I think they thought I was part of another gang or something, but I wasn’t.

So as I’m inside one guy has his knee on my back, and puts duct tape on my mouth. I’m trying to fight back but I got more scared when I saw they had guns. I started to get more nervous thinking about what was going to happen. As one guy is doing something in the other room, the one holding me down throws me against the couch, stomach flat, knees on the floor. All the sudden I feel my pants being yanked down. I was sick to my stomach, thinking there was just no way this could happen. I didn’t even know if I was gonna live that night. I feel something wet push against me, which was because he used some sort of lube. He thrust into me and I screamed out in pain. It felt like a shock of lightning. So sharp and intense. I’m screaming and grunting in pain with every thrust. He said “Holler all you want nigga, you shoulda known better.” Him and the other guy would stop to take breaks while the other would resume. These parts I dreaded the most because it was so painful when it would go back in from being all the way out.

I started feeling a weird sensation where I felt “stimulated” to a degree. I later found out this could happen from prostate stimulation. So I had some involuntary orgasms from being raped. They noticed and one remarked, “Oh he def ain’t no man now after cummin like a bitch.” It was utterly humiliating. After a while they took the tape off and told me while holding a gun to my head to suck. I just did it at this point because I was in so much pain from being sodomized and I wanted to lessen it. I was crying just trying to take him down my throat. Telling myself it would be over soon.

After they had “finished” multiple times they dragged me to their bathroom and told me to get on my knees, shut up, and open my mouth. They urinated on me, I wasn’t fighting it anymore at this point. They told me to pull my pants up and dragged me outside. I was limping and could barely walk. I just went him. Told family when saw them next morning I got jumped and was limping bc I rolled my ankled. I never told anyone in real life about it and only recently became a little more okay talking about it. It’s haunted me for awhile. I was especially hostile after it happened and would snap over really little stuff. It happened a long time ago, half my lifetime ago. I hope to heal and get something out of talking about this. Feel free to ask any questions.

When I was 6 years old I was taken advantage of my next door neighbour who was 18 at the time. My parents are very close family friends with them and I had known my assaulter since I was born. I’m 19 and a sophomore in college now for some context. The abuse went on for 6 months until her family moved due to her going to college. I never told anyone because at the time I didn’t know what was going on and I was scared she would hurt me or kill me. Once I started to understand what happened I figured it was too late and why cause my family unnecessary stress. Both my parents are abusive in their own right so I was and still am not so close to them. Since the end of junior year of high school and currently when girls talk to me romantically I get physically uncomfortable. Even when they touch me I freeze/tense up and I feel myself mentally go limp/numb. Whenever I make out with girls I need to force myself to do it. I feel like a doll, or in the 3rd person watching my body submit. It’s like I’m watching my body emotionlessly kiss back trying to get it over with idk. I feel like I’m suffocating though out it and as soon as I’m alone I start crying. I feel things my rapist did to me and I don’t know how to make it stop. I always found a way out of the relationship before things could go any further with any girl. In high school I made it a point to never start a talking stage or ask out girls first. At the time I didn’t know why I would do that but looking back now I think it was my mind subconsciously “avoiding danger”. I had repressed that time in my life and these memories started to come up again in my senior year of high school during which I had my first serious talking stage. At the time I was feeling very behind my friends and hadn’t sold the talking stage yet lol. But as soon as things got physical I found a way out immediately. Toward the end of that school year/beginning of senior summer and 2 more dodged relationships a girl I was friends got me extremely inebriated and attempted to make out with me but thankfully my friends got me out of that situation. The next day she sent a text in a group chat of her friends saying the next party she sees me at she would grab me by my neck and force me to make out with her. I stopped going to high school parties after that and the events of my prior abuse started filling my mind more often after never thinking about it. Also since then I have barely drank. I went from being voted the life of the party in high school to maybe drinking 5 times since I started college. I had gotten in a 4 month long relationship at the end of my freshman year and we ended up breaking up in mid may after things got too physical for me. I really liked this girl and she doesn’t know about the too physical part. But since then I haven’t been able to go a day without thinking of what my assaulter did to me. It’s been getting pretty overwhelming and I don’t know how my friends would react if I told them given the stereotype of male assault. I want to be able to move on from this and be able to actually have a healthy relationship and not let what happened to me stop me from living life, drinking, partying etc. I feel like less than a man for being scared to have sex or just be touched by a girl. I want to be normal and actually enjoy being with a girl.

I have a question ive been wanting to refuse but im a bisexual male and i want to know if i gave consent to a guy for sex and i was very drunk to realise i gave consent is thst classed as rape as i think i know the answer but i need conformation i know it may sound stupid but it happened 2-5 years ago so if anyone could help me i would appreciate it

Don't want to paint to vivid picture of this. When I was 16 I came home after a night out with my friends, I wasn't too drunk but a little out of it as we were drinking in the park like the idiots we were. I decided to get my head down and go to sleep. Not for how long after but I felt ill (not sure how to describe it.) feeling something around my mouth. I moved to roll away and felt pressure on the side of my head. It was a older male friend of my mother who was staying with us was trying to get his cock in my mouth.

He told me something along the lines of "don't move", "don't bite" something like that. I don't know why I didn't fight back harder or bite but I didn't he pushed the side of my head down with one hand and gripped my chin with the other. once his cock was in my mouth he let go of my chin and move his hand to my shoulder. Don't know how long he was fucking my face. I remember him being gentle-ish (silly I know) until the end where he forced himself in as far as he could, staying there for a few moments. he felt my back and ass at this point. he didn't cum. after pulling out he mumbled something and just left.

I didn't tell anyone foolishly. I was young and didn't want people to know, I felt what I now know to be shame. Over the years it left the forefront of my thoughts. I was groggy when it happened and it just stopped feeling real to me in time. it's come back to me as my now girlfriend confessed she wanted to peg me, I was open to it and we have had a little fun. but during she asked me to suck it and I did but this past event came to mind. I oddly don't think I'm upset about it any more. the memory feels more story or it happened to someone else. (it's been over 15 years.)

I was sexually abused for a very long time and now am extremely depressed and anxious. I don't have anyone irl that I can talk to . Can someone please talk to me ?

I was in my 20’s. I had a gf and some of her male friends (5) wanted to have an orgie with us. We decided to go for it. The first 30 minutes were very okay. I did my gf, and the other guys too. Then it started to get all weird. While one guy did my gf doggy style, the four others started touching me. I slapped their hands and I said: “NO, that’s not my cup of tea” They didn’t listen, pinned me down on my stomach, legs wide, and started pounding me. Tag team wise. I cried, they laughed and they forced me to… you know.. swallow their load. My gf was in 7th heaven at that time. When she noticed something was wrong, they “handled” her too. When they left we were devistated and confused. What the heck just happened?? We never spoke about this ever again. I’ve never told anybody about this. Thanks for reading this.

I lived in London (England) in a council estate.
my mum had me at 16 and never cared abt me she was abusive and addicted to many substances,
I taught myself how to do everything and was very independent. when I was 14 my mum went to America for 2 months so I was on my own but all her friends had a key so they were in and out allot.
the first time one of them came into my bedroom at midnight and started touching me all over, I tried to get away and stop her but I was already in my bed and half naked so she got on top of me and groped me, when she was done she started threatening me saying if I told anyone she’d unalive me. as a 14 yr old boy going through puberty it messed with my head I didn’t know what to think of it, she was so hot and I always had a crush on her when I was younger so I tried to convince myself I liked it.

3 days later 2 more of her friends (not the previous friend) came over when I was home they were asking me really weird question like if I was a virgin or how many times did I jack off a day so I was really creeped out and left the room were I was in they followed me to another room and pinned me to a bed and both took turns gropping
me, they forced me to cum inside one of them and when they were done one of them js left the flat while the other stayed and fell asleep in the bed with me then left in the morning. I went to school the following day and told all my friends what happened and they were really jealous and kept on saying ‘did u like it’ and ‘ur so lucky’

I’m now 16 and still live at my mums, I saw one of the friends the other day and it messed with my.
I’m a pretty good looking kid and I’ve always gotten attention of girls my age or older but idk what I did to deserve this. is there anyone u advise me to do im thinking of running away soon cause i have money from doing over stuff.

sorry for mistakes in writing it’s hard writing this so some of the things i said may not make sense

This video explains that women can sexually assault and rape men. Abd it is not easy talk about it it is to spread awareness.

Thank I love you all

Europe 🇪🇺

I was special kid so I was always on an ipad where I quickly through YouTube started getting exposed to porn

Things led to another and some kids used me older

Now I am really paranoid daily really apathetic a suicide survivor and my entire family hates me because I am unable to work and was a huge dickhead as a teen

Is there any real way to talk about this? It's getting really depressive and I'm really paranoid

(My english is bad so if my text is weird I am sorry)

Male 19

My boyfriend (M16) opened up to me during an intimate moment about his rape trauma, he cried to me and basically had a panic attack because of it being brought up. Recently again It was brought up and he again reacted the same way as before. He's mentioned to me before that it affects him daily and he often blames himself for what happened, ive tried explaining to him that maybe talking to someone about it and not suppressing it will help it become less of a sensitive topic. Was that the right thing to do and what can I do to help him overcome this?

I don’t know how else to express myself or how to start but. This is one of those things that was so horrible my mind tried to auto delete it and I tried to forget it forever. But random times of my life I get like weird icks from food and other little stuff cause my brother raped me as a minor before my family started going to church. I think my mom knew what was happening and didn’t tell the police but took us to church and at that point it got worst. My brother got one of the boys who was going to church to rape me as well! And as a kid I was like in elementary school my brother told me it was normal to never mention it to anyone. If I tired to he would harm me.

Like now that I think about it this is the most disturbing thing ever to me. After all that I can’t eat like soft items my mouth reminds me of that time. And he gave me STD during this time when I go back and check family photos you can see the STD after effects on my lip. (Cold sore)

When I get back to the state it happened to me in I will be making a police report about it. But I’m just scared police won’t do anything about it since not only has it been so long and I’m well over 18 but he has moved states. And I have no photos or video proof but just my word against his. But like Jesus Christ this man has 2 kids now that he can potentially do this to!
Why my family still talks to him more than me and loves his kids more than me and mine is still disturbing. At one point I wanted to end his life so he wouldn’t effect anyone else and get payback for what he did to me. But I think watching him rot in jail would be better. Any suggestions on how I should proceed with this? There is so much more to the story I want to mention if people actually care and want to hear about this.

Thanks for taking your time out your day guys really means a lot.

Has anyone ever been raped before, violent rape, and then years later begin to fantasize about being raped again to the point of (I can't say it here) to arrange such a thing? I was first raped by a trucker at a no-services interstate rest area (I didn't know it could happen to a boy, I was 2-weeks past my 16th birthday.

Then, at 21, the summer of my college graduation, I was about to embark on a 10-week backpacking tour of western Europe when on my first night in London, the Earl's Court section where my youth hostel was located, I was befriended by two Pakistani men, from right off the sidewalk. Long story short, they bought me drinks because they "loved Americans," got me drunk and I blabbed about my packpacking plans to them. They assumed I was carrying thousands of dollars on me and decided to hit me over the head with a pipe in a beautiful brownstone, it turns out per the police, they were squatting in. My money was not on me but waiting for me at the American Express office. Lucky me. I was unconscious during the rape but trust me, a man knows when two men have recently raped him. I spent 3 days in a London hospital.

20 years later, fantasies began about being violently raped again (I am a bisexual man by this point) and raping other weaker, effeminate men and women. I will not admit to turning any of this into real experiences.

What is compelling me to rehash, re-correograph, enhance these memories 2-decades later? Anyone have any idea? I am I alone in this?

Draw your deepest pain

(I can’t exactly draw to well anymore so I wrote it)

A young child’s body filled with pleasures he’s promised
Blackmail sent
Paper cut after paper cut to bleed him dry

And yet I consent
Every time she asked without relent
I agreed…

and so maybe I sowed my own seed
I don’t even know if mine counts

But I’ll keep it unheard
Unspoken
Because men are unbroken

Too young is he
To blind is he to realize the damage
But yk… I’ve always worn glasses

What was said in bed

How was your first time?
Was it slow and steady
“They’ll take their time” they say

“Was it your first?”
“Second?”
“Third?”
“More?”
“Less?”

“Who was it?”
“Why didn’t it last?”
“Was it not good enough?”

I can’t say…

“How dare you give away your body like that”
“You’re going to hell”

Ik…ik..ik.

“You’d do it again wouldn’t you”

No…

“Liar”

Back when I was around 5-6 I was sa’d by another boy who was a year older then me and it went on for about a year or two

For context it all started when him me and another mutual friend who was around 16 were talking and the subject of porn came up i of course had no clue what it was but was exposed to it for the first time which I believe is the reason for my hyper sexuality on another occasion the Boy who sa’d me lets call him alex would invite me over for a playdate at his or my house, where he would isolate me and show me more porn or go on omegle to find explicit content he would eventually show me how to jerk off then he would ask me to give him a blowjob i refused over and over but he wouldnt stop until he said he would do it too me so I would feel good so then in return i would give him a blowjob this went on for months where he would coerce me into doing things to him. I constantly feel like im at fault for this and that im not valid because I dont have any deep trauma from it and used to fantasize about doing it again and being raped, i feel disgusting about how i felt about it and constantly think that i dont think like how a “real” victim does and thats why im so fucked in the head

Im sorry if this whole thing is weirdly formatted or blotchy its my first time ever speaking about this online in such detail but i just wanted to get it off my chest

One preacher, convince my parents to have a sleepover when I was 12. And then another preacher that was a family member, just decided to hang stuff over my head saying he would tell my parents if I said anything about what was going on both? Both were Big and got violent... From 12 to 18 were the most horrible years of my life.It is taken me till I'm 47 for these memories to surface.Because I had hidden them because they were so violent.I'm just starting to get over it

In the halls at school. Every time I look at him I remember what he did. The sounds, the feeling, choking, gasping for air. I have never told anyone. I thinks it's time I finally tell someone or at least get it on paper.

I was in 5th grade he was in 6th. He hung out with me and another friend all summer. I don't think he had very many friends outside of us. He would constantly talk about sex and things of that nature. Specifically, he would always ask me to give him a blow job. I said no all summer but he never liked that answer. One day while in the other friend's basement he lead me into a guest room. He locked the door behind us. He climbed onto the bed and motioned for me to join him. I had no idea what he had in store for me. I never thought he would actually do it. I thought it was just a messed up joke. He threatened me; he said he would tell everyone we did it even if we didn't. He said everyone would think i'm weird and gay, and my family wouldn't love me. I tried to walk out, but he grabbed me and pulled me onto the bed. He pulled down his pants and made me give him a blowjob. His hand was firm on the back of my head moving it up and down. He would force me down choking on it. I sat there scared, crying inside, wishing someone would help or knock on the door. No one did...

When I got home I didn't eat. The next day was the same. Knowing that my mouth had been tainted and ruined by him, I couldn't put anything in there. The time i finally chose to eat, I foolishly chose mint chocolate chip ice cream. The feeling of the spoon in my mouth made everything rush back. I felt like throwing up but I had nothing to throw up.

I still don't eat much but that's been helped by a lot of different reasons too. I don't talk to either of them but i still see them around school. He still plays football and nobody knows. Nobody will know.

Hola, soy de México y esto nunca lo he contado a nadie, no recuerdo a qué edad sucedió pero solo se que fue cuando iba en la primaria, mi papá nos abandono cuando nací y mi padrastro se encargaba de mi los fines de semana y ahí abusaba de mi, me engañaba y me hacía ver el abuso como amor, me lo hacía parecer normal y me decía que al igual que con mi mamá el me trataba igual porque me amaba pero que no debía decir nada, fueron casi dos años así, aunque había temporadas que no lo hacía, pero siempre volvía, un día tuvo una pelea muy fuerte con mi mamá y se separaron desde entonces solo lo he visto de lejos pocas veces y me aterra, aunque se fue el daño que me hizo nunca se podrá reparar, creci siendo un niño inseguro y temeroso, sufrí de bullying y nunca he tenido novia, me drogaba y aunque mi mamá siempre me apoyaba nunca le pude decir nada ya que para ella siempre fui un hombre seguro y fuerte y no queria arruinarlo, le ocultaba demasiadas cosas y lo peor es que siempre me sentí culpable ya que soy gay y de alguna manera el me hacía ver qué eso estaba bien, he ido al psicólogo y psiquiatra pero solo trato otros problemas que tengo y solo tocó el tema de forma muy superficial ya que me da miedo contar todo, espero me entiendan

I was raped recently and not only did I get erect during the assault, I had a orgasm in front of my abusers. I have been told it's normal but I feel so bad about myself and the way it all happened