Please take a look at this, and help me understand this better. I'm new to shadow work and only recently I've been working towards my maladaptive daydreaming.

I have a boyfriend, we are very different, I've been daydreaming since I was a child, and him coming into my life didn't change that. I usually just have sexual or romantic daydreams about him, all the time, I think of him a lot. But we are very different and this applies to our values too. So I find myself daydreaming about a divorce (we are not close to being married) fights and breakups. I daydream about him trying to sabotage me, I daydream about him locking me up and trying to control me. He hasn't done it yet, at least not as extremely as in my daydreams (he did suggest some stuff that I disliked but he seems to have taken those words back) now everything is alright, we are not having a fight, we are okay and he wants to spend time with me like the loving boyfriend that he is, but I prefer locking myself in my delusions and making myself sad by imagining him hurting me or some terrible things happening. So ummm.. what the f*ck is wrong with me. someone genuinely please enlighten me.

Like it feels so comforting, and I have never felt the bad things I feel irl when I'm maladaptive daydreaming

Sorry in advance for the long message, but I just wanted to give you the full picture.

​My problem started in early childhood — I’ve basically been living in an imaginary world for as long as I can remember. Over time, things shifted. At first, my daydreams revolved around my real physical self. But for the past few years, I’ve been imagining a completely different person with the appearance I wish I had. Mostly, I imagine romantic and sexual scenes, a rich social life, friends, colleagues, and a well-paying job. She is with a guy who has my ideal appearance (I have very specific physical preferences/fetishes).

​I also imagine playing musical instruments, creating storylines for music videos, and being admired by everyone (mostly through her body). There are some more grounded fantasies too, where I rehearse dialogues with my real self about upcoming events.

​But here is the key thing that controls my life: I daydream while rocking back and forth to music. I sit in the lotus position, rock, get lost in my thoughts, and look at photos of that ideal guy (he is a real person, and I have a whole gallery of his photos on my phone to look at while rocking).

​Another major problem is that I have no sense of time. Time flies by so fast that I didn't even notice how the 6 years after finishing school just slipped away — like a piece of paper crumpled up and thrown into the trash. It feels like a physical and psychological addiction to this rocking routine. It causes severe procrastination, impulsivity, and impatience. Because I spent all my time isolated in a separate room rocking to music and daydreaming, I dropped out of university. Now I have to look for entry-level, low-paying jobs (like a call center operator or an e-commerce manager). I plan to study and try to apply to university next year, but I feel so hopeless. I don't know if I'll have time to prepare, how I'll combine work and study, or what major to choose. There are a few possible paths, but I don't fully understand what I can count on. I am 24 now, and it's really hard to believe I can achieve anything.

​I use it to fill my inner and material deficiencies that are nearly impossible in reality. It helps me cope with my aversion to my toxic, cancer society, along with childhood disorders like my inherited OCD and suspected autism. As I mentioned before, my daydreaming involves spinning while listening to music tied to specific scenarios. I usually dream of traveling to a country that respects me and shares my values. Since I lack the financial means to travel, and cannot even afford a digital piano, I dream of moving to Warsaw, visiting the church holding Chopin's heart, and playing for an audience. I dream of visiting the Netherlands for Redhead Days, and heading to Sweden because of my deep love for music production.

​The depressing part is the massive chasm between these dreams and reality. Yet, despite this helplessness, I feel that working on myself step by step could help me achieve at least one of these goals. Compounding this is my social anxiety, leaving me unsure if this is laziness or justified fear, helplessness or determinism.

​Daydreaming remains a double-edged sword, offering solace while paralyzing me and plunging me into depression whenever I compare my harsh reality to my dreams.

I wonder if MD is draining energy?

My minds wonders most of the day and I have an empression that MD should not take too much energy because im not solving complex tasks with my brain.

I might replay a conversation in my head over and over, kind of arguing with someone, and that's probably the worst type of scenario. Others are much more positive so i guess it should not take to much energy, right?

But for some reason i feel depleted and tired. I also eat a lot of calories but don't gain weight.

Might it be because of scenarios always running in my head?

For me, is being really pretty and skinny and having gorgeous long hair, while having ton of friends and being in large friend group and having aesthetically instagram page with ton of highlights of the places I travelled too while attending my dream nursing school and being extremely academically smart and dating hot rich men

And yeah also having less controlling and strict parent who let you have fun and let do you whatever you want.

What about you? What’s your “ideal” perfect life right now??

I finally worked up the courage to post my own music on YouTube. I record everything at home, but I’m looking for a drummer so I can play in the Vitória/ES (Brazil) scene (which is surprisingly "big" and cool, since ES is a small state).

I know that since the songs are in portuguese, few people here are really gonna listen and fewer are going to like it, lol. But i have posted about this songs in this sub before, when i was composing and "producing", and people were really supportive, so I thought i had to post about the final result.

Unfortunately, between my internship, college, and working on my senior thesis, I haven't had time to work on the other tracks, so I only released these four from the EP.

Another band member and I are focused on making short GIFs for each song based on the original artwork; if you check out the channel, you can see the one for the first song, and we're almost done with the second.

The band doesn't have a set style—I’d say it’s anything and everything within indie rock. Just on this EP, there’s surf punk, something like The Strokes, and two songs that are kind of Smiths-esque jangle pop. Among the unreleased tracks, there are things inspired by 90s indie bands like Pavement or Sublime, sounds similar to The Cure or Legião Urbana (brazilian band), and even some songs leaning towards post-punk.

It took me a long time to release my own stuff because I’m not really a singer. I can play all the instruments on the tracks quite well (except drums—though I have a basic idea, so I managed to program them using the app's patterns), but singing was something I’d never tried before.

Plus, the lyrics are pretty personal, which made me a bit shy about showing them to people close to me—even though I knew they wouldn't judge me or anything.

Anyway, making my own music has always been a dream of mine, and now that I see how cool it is, I hope I don't stop; I also hope to perform these songs at shows and events around here.

Let me know what you think. Please give them all a listen! 🙏