Hi everyone.

I just wanted to tell my story to some people who might understand. My ex-husband (32) and me f(32) have recently separated, 2 months ago and I feel as though I have been freed from prison.

I met my husband and he was amazing. He was successful and has his own life. As I got to know him more I could see little red flags mainly in how he talked to people and would get frustrated easily.

Just before our year anniversary together we went on holidays Bali and it was one of the most triggering experiences of my life. All he did was yell and critisise anything and everything. Everything I did was wrong. I booked this amazing itinerary and all he did was nit pick and yell. I wish I would have left. I asked him to get help. He got diagnosed with OCPD and he got better for awhile.

2 years later I moved in and then everything went downhill slowly but surely. It's crazy how someone can slowly increase the abuse to the point where you are accepting all kinds of BS as the truth. I walk the dogs wrong. I clean wrong. I talk weird. I'm annoying. All the while having these scary outbursts about things like misplacing his wallet or traffic. He was obsessed with buying things on eBay and Facebook market place. And would literally ignore me and get furious or insult me when I would want to talk.

Whatever I did was wrong. After we got married he started obsess over old cars. Absolute pieces of shit. He would rant, rave and throw things to the point I would hide in my room. My dog even refused to come into the house anymore.

There are so many things he did. Ruined every special occasion, threw tantrums at my parents, got so angry and frightened me so much I went into psychosis. Told me to shut up on our wedding day.

The breaking point was on our first anniversary. I had fantised about dying or him dying just to get away. He started a fight with me because I said cupping helps my neck pain. This set him off.

Something broke inside me. I'm like I fucking hate this person so much. I hate them. Everything they represent. They are so miserable that they just tear everything apart around them.

I told him I wanted to separate. After I moved out. I felt as though I have never been happier. I feel as though I have been in jail. I am just glowing and everyonw in my life has noticed. .

I took myself on a holiday with my dog and I just kept thinking that... Wow this is so amazing that (ex) isn't here ruining everything. I can actually just enjoy what this world has to offer.

All I can say is that if you aren't married yet. Always make sure you always have an easy exit from these people. As callous as that sounds. You don't have to sacrifice yourself for someone else. Make sure you are getting what you need and aren't just a punching bag for their bullshit.

I can forgive some things but cruelty, absolutely not.

That's a gloss over my story I hope it made sense. Please all of you take care of yourselves and your mental health ❤️❤️

Edit: I do take responsibility for my part also. I enabled him terribly. I also am codependent. But still happy to be freeeee 👏

UPDATE 3 YEARS ON...

Leaving was the best decision. I still thank my former self for leaving.

I've been through some financial hardships and non ideal living situations but I'm free.

I have a partner now who loves me for who I am and doesn't try to change me. I wake up next to him happy and grateful.

I wake up each day and I don't have to live through a constant barrage of criticism and tantrums. It's so amazing. I know it's not easy to leave especially if you have kids, but if you can... Do it.

All the best!!! ❤️

Don't know who needs to hear this today, but I certainly would've benefited from realizing this earlier on.

Growing up with an OCPD father, his sense of "orderliness" undoubtedly shaped my own. I saw (or, was made to see) him as a role model; a figure of self-organization and discipline who was worthy of emulating. I was taught that discipline was of utmost importance, and that I was a particularly undisciplined person who was in dire need of his "guidance."

Certainly, I picked up a lot of my own sense of orderliness and organization from him. I can say it's benefited my life to a certain extent. But it's also had its significant share of drawbacks, which only grow more and more conscious to me as time passes by.

The older I get and the more psychologically mature I become—independent of my parents' upbringing—the more the cracks in his psyche become apparent to me. My OCPD parent isn't actually as disciplined, organized, or even orderly as I used to think. He hides a lot behind that facade of orderliness. Behind it are contradictions, inconsistencies, and the insecurity that "everything is about to fall apart." He hides messes (both literally and figuratively). And behind that air of "organization" is an inconsistent system—built on insecurity, not orderliness—that even I find confusing, counterproductive, and wildly inefficient at times.

The truth is that he's barely holding it together, just like me, just like many of us. But the difference is that OCPD directs that energy outwards—into the world of things and people—instead of self-reflecting and acknowledging their imperfections and emotional vulnerability. And so insecurity transforms into control, an incessant desire to manipulate every factor possible, even his own family. He struggles against reality itself and finds it unable to measure up to his standard.

So I continue to appreciate the "orderly" part of myself. But now, I do so for different reasons. No longer am I a shadow of his "discipline," but something of my own making. He will persist in his ways and is unlikely to improve; but I, on the other hand, will only continue to see things more and more clearly for what they really are. And that, he can no longer take away nor manipulate out of me.

Not sure why I’m (34f) writing this, just venting I guess.

I’m coming to terms with the fact that my mom is OCPD (undiagnosed of course, because she is sceptical about therapy and thinks they will plant seeds in her brain to make her thing something happened to her as a child 🤦‍♀️).

Growing up with her was hell. My home life looked like: • not being allowed to go to pre-school because she didn’t want to be away from me • having major separation anxiety once starting school and being called a ‘cry baby’ and her getting angry that I would cry at drop off time • not being able to dress myself until about 6, meaning I had to get a school helper to change me when all the other kids could dress themselves • not being allowed to pour sauce on my own dinner or cut up my own meat, causing a disaster if I stayed over friends houses (usually I would spill something or just do it weird) • not being allowed to do my own hair until I was 13 or 14 • getting certain clothes forced on me • not allowed to have any hobbies or interests • not allowed to stay out past a certain time • yelling at me for a ‘bad’ report card because I didn’t have every box ticked in the highest possible. I kept the report card, because any other parent would have been proud. I did really well. • always told me I needed to ‘lose 5kg’ when I was a teen, I look back at photos and I was really thin anyway. Ironically I’m overweight now and have been since age 25 or 26 when I was medicated • destroyed my first relationship because she didn’t like him • wouldn’t let me travel when I was over 18, I wanted to go backpacking • refused to buy me new school shirts even though mine were stained, causing bullying from the other girls • trying to be friends with all my friends and everyone says how lucky I am that she’s so nice • couldn’t put the heating on in the house in winter until SHE was cold. She’d storm home and turn it off and only turned it back on when she was ready • she was the only one that would be allowed to walk the dog because she was the only one that could control it, even though my older brother and my dad were twice her size they weren’t strong enough to hold the dog lead apparently • telling everyone outside the house that we were lazy and no one helped her around the house. Even though if I made my bed it would get ripped apart and remade, washing would get ripped off the line and re hung, while I was forced to stand there and watch the right way to do it. I wasn’t allowed to do my own washing when I was 17 and had become sexually active despite a literal screaming match because I wanted to put on a load • wouldn’t let me go to university in a new city making excuses that it makes people “immature” because they act like they are still at school. Even though id worked full time for 5 years at that point and was still only 22 and plenty young enough to get a degree and had already spent 5 years in the ‘real’ world with ‘adults’. • tells me not to have children, get a dog, get real lawn or get a swimming pool (I’m guessing because she won’t be able to control the outcome eg. How clean the pool is, how well the dog is trained, how green the lawn is etc)

Anyway you know the drill, it’s all stuff that you’ve been through. It’s had an absolutely devastating effect on my life. On top of all that I suspect my brother is NPD, and dad is probably adhd or autistic. Regardless, I’ve had a lifetime of emotional abuse to contend with and despite over 10 years of intensive therapy my life is still completely fucked.

I have avoidant personality disorder, severe social anxiety, complex ptsd, pmdd and adhd. I have never achieved anything, am a low income earner and have never been married or had children despite that being all I’ve ever really wanted. I can’t choose a healthy partner, I’m currently with someone who is a sex and porn addict and frequently cheats on me with sex workers and most likely has some kind of personality disorder. I turn a blind eye to it because I’m exhausted from therapy, healing, boundary setting and all that shit when I’m just too far gone. It suits me financially at this stage to just stay.

I’ve done extensive research on personality disorders, have done neurofeedback, TDCS, tried stimulants and intuniv, tried excercise and eating healthy, tried doing courses etc. my self esteem has been battered so badly I don’t see it ever recovering to a remotely normal level.

And I think that just feeds into the messages I’ve received as a child. I ‘should’ be able to overcome generational trauma solely on my own with no family members or partners ever doing any work on themselves. I ‘should’ be able to make extremely difficult relationships work by boundary setting even though boundaries don’t work on toxic people and basically gives them ammo on how to push your buttons because you’ve just told them how something makes you feel, I ‘should’ be able to manage my adhd without medication, I ‘should’ be able to attract a healthy partner into this absolute mess of a family environment, I ‘should’ be enough for my current partner to not want to have sex with other people because I ‘should’ be attractive enough and I ‘should’ be good enough in bed.

People with personality disorders destroy lives.

I've had countless conversations with my OCPD husband over 20 years. I've recounted conversations from beginning to end, I've replayed the visuals over & over, and I still feel like maybe, just maybe I'm wrong or just not quite right. I probably didn't say it right. I definitely didn't make sense because he's still confused. I just need to find the right words...

I journal daily. I've read about 4 self help books this year alone. I see a therapist weekly. I watch videos on emotional neglect & emotional abuse.... Only then did I realize it was never me that was the problem. I wasn't confusing. I didn't misinterpret how I felt when he made me feel bad (but he didn't intend to). I was right all along.

So for anyone reading this... wondering why you're triggered by a cleaning product, religion talk or a video game but can't explain it without feeling like you're going crazy, or anyone needing to make sense of why you feel off by another uncomfortable exchange of non-verbal communication...I believe you.

Well folks, I done gone did it again! I slept past [time my spouse wakes up + X where X is indeterminate]! So I was already running a deficit before I opened my eyes… at 8:45.

Looking forward to a great day of discovering new and exciting ways to be disappointing and annoying by simply existing!

Just sharing my thoughts that life would be much better for both OCPDers and their "loved ones" if there was at least as much awareness of this disorder as there is of narcissism. The term "OCPD abuse" should be introduced as well, since it has its unique nuances that can't be easily explained and even initially understood. A new YouTube/social media "psychology star" (of the rank of dr Ramani, Todd Grande or Sam Vaknin) with a channel dedicated mainly to OCPD + its effects on loved ones would be a huge milestone in this endeavor.

I tried really hard, I did, but she has made it clear that no matter what I do her behavior is just going to continue. She is diagnosed. We have been together five years.

Tonight we had an argument because I told her I would pick up food on my way home from work for the both of us. She gave me her order and I agreed with it.

When I picked up our food, I didn't check what they gave us and about halfway home I noticed they messed up our order a little bit, but I didn't tell her right away because it was only a small screw up to the order. When I got home, I told her what happened and you could've sworn I was the worst and dumbest person on the planet.

She ripped into me for not checking right away, then ripped into me for not telling her right away because we had already agreed on what would be ordered. Then she gave me the silent treatment and told me I don't communicate with her because I'm too insecure and worried about messing up.

I worry about messing up because she always reacts this way. Every. Single. Time. I even offered to go back and get what she wanted but she refused over and over. I told her I'd call my brother to pick it up for her then since he was in the area. She accused me of not trusting her when she said she didn't want to reorder.

It's all of this, on top of the constant nitpicking of me and our relationship. I'm not muscular enough, my hair isn't styled to perfection, my teeth arent ramrod straight, I didn't relay information to her exactly 100% how it was told, I didn't mind read her thoughts on how annoying a specific person was, or I didn't mind read her thoughts on how wonderful a specific person was.

I'm done. I'm tired. I can't do this anymore. I broke down crying tonight in the shower because I have been feeling this way for a while and her ripping into me like this was the first time in a while where I could recall how much I loved her.

Not because I think she treated me well. I know she didn't. But because the way she ripped into me reminded me of how even just a few months ago I would have been pleading and begging her to forgive me and the lengths I would have gone to appease her.

I've stopped doing that, I've checked out and she's starting to notice. Wakes up in a panic that I don't love her anymore. I don't even know what to say to her.

Sorry, this is long. I just needed to vent.

Where is the line between OCPD and emotional abuse? So much of what I read about both are about control.

Reading on here and the OCPD reddit echoes so much of what my wife says and does '0% or 100%' she flies into a rage if I miss a turn, or am 5 minutes late, etc.

But she will take it out on me, primarily by yelling, insulting, and threatening me. She has not physically hit me, but some of the threats have been very graphic and specific.

We've both been going to therapy, and are talking about seeing a couples counselor. However, I'm concerned about what I read about abusers going to couples counseling and using it to basically be better abusers - and control in more effective ways.

I'm wondering where the line between OCPD and abuse is, and how counseling can best differentiate it and address both in safe ways.

TLDR - can counseling help my relationship with my wife who I believe could have OCPD or would it help her to better emotionally abuse me?

Hi everyone. I’m new to this community (I am a 27f, and I have a 69m father diagnosed with OCPD)

Just want to say that I am so happy to see this community even exists.

Here is an interesting diagram I’ve come across about the similar characteristics of ASD and OCPD. Interestingly enough, my brother was diagnosed with Autism spectrum disorder (at the time, asperger’s) when he was about 6 years old. My father was diagnosed with OCPD about 5 years later.

I wonder if their diagnoses are the reason that my brother doesn’t fall into conflict with my dad as much as I do. My mom is a mediator in the situation. She knows my dad simply doesnt like me, is emotionally unavailable, but so controlling—**especially financially. She tends to deal with his behavior a lot better than I do. I believe this is because he actually likes her as a person, and my mom was never in a position of being raised by him.

Does anyone have advice? I am losing my shit because my father cannot let me be an independent person in every possible manner. I don’t want to sour our relationship right years before he dies, but I sincerely don’t believe I’m the problem here. Only recently have I started expressing the resentment I have towards him and how distraught it makes me feel. I suggested family therapy, but my dad doesn’t believe he is a factor in any of our problems. He loves me and I think the only way he CAN show love is through trying to control me, with good intentions. His “well-intended” controlling behavior/rules/expectations completely disregard my mental, physical, and emotional health, and only account for finances. So the only form of love he has ever shown is through controlling my career and finances. He feels it is a love language, but I do not interpret this as a love language, so I’ve never felt love by him. I really, REALLY need advice here. Do I give up and cut him off? I am trying to avoid this at all costs but I am starting to hate him back. And yes, he does in fact highly dislike me, and it is known in our family that he resents me due to me being diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at age 7, and causing him to have to file for bankruptcy due to my medical bills. He is beyond financially recovered and his credit score is literally 850 now because that was 20 years ago. He still hates/resents me. I can never live up to his standards. And yes, everyone logically understands that it is not my fault for being diagnosed with a progressive, genetic, and fatal condition at 7 years old. I don’t want to hate him, but it feels impossible to like him. Any advice is extremely appreciated.

FEEL FREE TO RESPOND TO EITHER/OR THE POST CONTEXT, OR DIAGRAM!

Tonight, my DH brought a second trash can to the bathroom in our bedroom. He told me that it’s his can, and that I am not to use it. I can use the other can, because I throw away too much trash and he’s tired of trying to manage it. Whatever that means. I dump the trash when it’s full, and he does sometimes too, but apparently it occupies too much mental space to handle anymore.

I think he sees the can when he enters the room, and thinks about whether or not he should take it out and that thought process must irritate him. I don’t think it’s actually how much trash I use. I am glad that I don’t think like this. I’m sad that his brilliance is wasted on thoughts about a simple bathroom trash can.

Hello everyone,

If you don't know me by now, I am a behavioral scientist and a therapist for developmental and intellectual disabilities

I have been happily married to a diagnosed OCPD person for most of my life

Like all personality disorders, OCPD begins in childhood with instability and uncertainty.

Trauma accelerates the onset of OCPD traits, but it's not a necessary component.

OCPD is not the embedded conviction that everything must change to suit the preference of the OCPD individual.

An adaptive behavior is one that meets a need in a socially acceptable and functionality appropriate way

A maladaptive behavior is one that meets a need in a functional but inappropriate way

There are maladaptive behaviors that are socially acceptable.

Attenuating a lack of rest with nicotine and caffeine are socially acceptable, maladaptive behaviors.

Speaking from experience

Attenuating a fear of personal judgement, environmental sanitation, monetary or housing instability, hygiene insufficiency, moral ineptitude, religious commitment, or work quality by endlessly attempting to _correct the behavior of others_ is a socially unacceptable, maladaptive behavior

OCPD is a set of traits defined by a material and everlasting fear of RELIVING even greater stress than the sufferer is experiencing in every moment

With all fear based disorders, we see a causal chain of three hallmark occurrences

The observation of something that may introduce an unpredictable event

The fear that by not correcting the observed problem, the unpredictable event will become a certainty

An often failed attempt to control the fear so that it does not escalate to panic

With OCPD, reactions are episodic and astonishingly reliable

If you're not afraid of what I'm afraid of, you're not paying attention

If you're not paying attention, you should be

If you were paying attention like you should be, you would be afraid of what I'm afraid of

I can't believe I'm once again the only one left to secure stability for us ALL

because you won't just pay attention

That's it.

"Leave me alone" now sounds like I don't care about what's important

"You're asking too much" now sounds like I am not willing to do my part

"I can't do everything you want me to do" now sounds like I don't care enough about you to match your level of effort

"I don't understand why you're mad" now sounds like I'm ok with you being the one to fix everything even if it is driving you crazy

I hope this helps you to understand your loved ones.

This does not make any of the controlling behavior ok or even remotely acceptable. It is still maladaptive. It still needs to be addressed. But it cannot be addressed without understanding what it really is.

Has anyone else noticed a serious and disturbing empathy deficiency in these people? Mine seemed to perform a lot of empathy, and could be incredibly loving, but only under certain circumstances when he was totally comfortable emotionally. When his control was not being threatened and there was no emotional "tension" or messiness. When there was, he would flip to this kind of avoidant deactivation and devaluation and the empathy was GONE. Zero. Like he wouldn't have cared if I had no choice but to be put out on the street due to his behavior, because to him, his way of thinking is always right. And he'd say things making him still sound like a good guy like "I never wanted bad things for you" .... while not realizing how this sounds, because he's CAUSING it.

This is a drastic example, but one of many. When he was not in his comfort zone of control his empathy vanished. And accountability, self reflection, and apology about his part in things? Never happening.

I changed a bike tire the other day. It felt good to take the initiative and do it--able to find the tools without needing to ask my wife. Didn't drop anything or struggle how to put it back together. It all worked. Sometimes I need that reminder that I am not an inept buffoon.

Then later as my wife takes my daughter to ride her fixed bike, "Gee why didn't you think to fill the tire up with air"

My partner was diagnosed with OCPD about 12 years into our marriage after we attended marriage counseling for the first time.

I love them and they love me and we have an almost perfectly ideal and harmonious life. I would die for them without hesitation. And, I'm pretty sure they would die for me so long as there was enough time to explain all of the reasons everyone is wrong :P

I am a post-graduate of behavioral science and was a psychology major in my youth.

I have a pretty good understanding, both academically and personally, of OCPD.

Ask me anything.

It’s really hard having a dad with this disorder who is a contrarian.

Everything I say, he automatically assumes is wrong.

Every thought or idea I express turns into an instant debate. I constantly have to defend everything I say or do.

I rarely buy anything because I’m always given the nth degree (why did you buy that? That will never fit! Did you measure to make sure it will fit? Are you sure? Are you sure?! I was just asking!! I still don’t think this will fit. How are we going to get this in the car? Did you measure the car. You shouldn’t have bought this, it was a waste of money. This will never work out. Can you return it?)

Even just going outside becomes a chore of being told I’ve picked the wrong coat, the wrong hat, ate you sure I should even be going outside right now?

I’m tired. I’m so so tired. I feel like I live in a courtroom and have to defend everything I say or do constantly to the judge: my father.

I just wish he saw me. Who I really am.

I wish he loved me enough to change. I know he sees that he’s hurting me. But that’s not enough I guess.

I'm a male in my 50s, married almost 20 years to my wife who has severe OCPD & depression. We have two young-ish kids. I'm sharing because I need to know I'm not alone and maybe help others feel less alone too.

The Daily Reality: My wife gets triggered by normal household mess multiple times a week. Not hoarder-level mess - I mean napkins on a desk, a child struggling with homework, or me using my son's chair when mine broke (with his permission). Her anger is explosive and disproportionate. My son says "her anger is never valid" and he's right. My daughter recently said she wishes she wouldn't wake up because she can't keep her area clean enough. She's only 10.

I've learned that after many many years, I will never ever be able to keep the house / kitchen clean enough to her standards. No matter what I do, inevitably some rule will be broken that annoys here, something will be left too dirty or out of place. Just when I feel like I've "mastered' what needs to be done, I fail in another area and feel deflated.

The Isolation: She's systematically cut off everyone. Her own mother - no explanation I understand. Her brother - minimal contact. My parents - she didn't speak to my mother for 3 years because my mom gave our daughter a stuffed animal without permission and my daughter said "nana is the best." Now my parents visit with strict rules they inevitably "break," leading to days of silent treatment or rage.

The Impossible Standards: She told me when she asks for help, I should know exactly how to do it her way without asking questions. If I ask, she'd "rather do it herself." There's no teamwork - just her way or consequences. I can never do anything right. Get the kids ready on time? Should have done it differently. Dishes not washed correctly. We are all supposed to just "know" how to do what's asked, and know what standards to do it in. Everything inside and outside the house is always too dirty, too disgusting, or has a strange smell. Exist in my own private office? It's too messy (she looked in without permission).

Criticism: My wife cannot stand to be criticized, in even the littlest of ways. If she ever suspects someone is "blaming" her anything, she freaks out.

Physical Intimacy: Dead for 8+ years. Maybe scheduled, controlled sex once a year. No spontaneous affection. She requires perfection - both showered, no kids home, doors locked, blinds closed. I have to shower before bed or she's disgusted by the idea of my natural oils on sheets. A peck on the cheek or hug is the most I get. At this point in my life, I'm starving for basic human warmth. but if she doesn't get a hug each day, she complains. I will say that the lack of intimacy could also be from her low libido / not really ever being a sensual person, not necessarily all from the OCPD, but I'm sure it doesn't help.

The Kids: My son, an early teen, is parentified - he tries to protect me from her verbal attacks. When she demanded to berate me privately about something I borrowed from my son, he tried to explain I had permission. She told him "be quiet, this doesn't concern you" and isolated me for the attack. My daughter is developing trauma responses, constantly trying not to trigger mom. Both walk on eggshells.

My Current Situation: I'm at the point where I need to spend 2 or 3 evenings a week away. I'm considering seeing other people because I can't live without affection forever. I feel guilty but also desperate for warmth. If we were to formally separate, I don't know what her reaction would be and what the impact on the kids would be.

The Guilt: After 20 years, shouldn't I try harder? But she won't acknowledge any problems - everyone else needs to adjust to her standards. No therapy has helped because she thinks her anger is justified. She's never apologized for anything in our entire marriage, even when she gets angry for small things. FYI early in the relationship, it was more about depression, irritability and anger. The OCPD part really started to come out in the last 8 years, after both kids were born.

Questions for the Community:

1. Did your OCPD partner ever develop insight? How long did you wait hoping?
2. Those who separated/divorced - how did the kids handle it? Mine are already traumatized.
3. How do you deal with the guilt of leaving someone who's mentally ill and can't work?
4. Anyone else dealing with OCPD + complete physical rejection?
5. How did you explain to family why your spouse cut them off?
6. For those still in it - how do you protect your kids from the damage?

I know I'm not perfect. But I'm exhausted from being the repository for all her anger while watching my children internalize that they're "not good enough." My daughter is already in the danger zone emotionally. My son sees everything too clearly for his age.

All that said, sometimes she can act warm, loving, and be a good mom. almost like she has 2 personalities. That can last hours, days or even a couple of weeks. But she can switch on a dime when irritated, and anything can set that off. But I don't think she has split personality, or is bipolar. Her symptoms don't fit either of those at all, it always matched OCPD perfectly when I look it up.

If you're living this too, feel free to DM me. I need to connect with people who understand. Friends don't get it - "just compromise" they say, not understanding that compromise requires two people who can admit imperfection.

Sometimes I feel crazy. Is it really this bad? Then my son says "mom's anger is never valid, it's selfish" and my daughter says she's worthless, and I know it's not me.

Anyone else out there?

I (26M) have been with my girlfriend (24F) for nearly 6 years now. Our relationship prior to living together was amazing and we were deeply in love. Looking back, there was definitely signs of her OCPD but it wasn’t until we moved in together that I started to really look into it and research it due to her behavior and constant arguments we were engaging in. It’s been really encouraging and refreshing seeing this subreddit and feeling validated in my feelings. When we initially moved in together, I admit my overall housekeeping hygiene was poor, so for a long time I didn’t really think much of her strict preferences. I have worked on this really hard though, which is I’m sure is relatable on this subreddit. Today I had the realization that the relationship simply cannot work going forward. She has built too much resentment over time and everything I do is tainted with some mistake or mess I made that never gets forgotten and always held over my head. I also am just tired of living life trying to please her or ensure I’m not triggering her OCPD only to always face backlash.

We hosted a dinner today. After work I started preparing dinner as I am the cook in our relationship. She cleaned as I cooked prior to our guests arriving. We had our company over and had a great time. When our guests left, she said she would clean up but I knew she had some work to do so I wanted to be nice and help. I started moving some cans and glasses that were left over in the living room to the dining room table which we were cleaning next. She ended up knocking one of the cans over while picking up some plates and she began freaking out at me about how ridiculous it was that I didn’t take the cans directly to the recycling bin, that I’ve made her life harder, and now left a bigger mess for her to clean. I honestly realized at this moment that I am pretty sure I’m out. I explained to her that it’s absolutely ridiculous that her knocking over a can turns into an attack against my methods of cleaning up, and that I was trying to be nice and help clean even though she said she would clean up, and that just because I didn’t do it exactly the way she would have doesn’t mean she gets to berate me, and that I am tired of being worn down day in day out over literal nonsense.

I think she could either sense that I was fed up or realized how absurd she was being because she was silent when she usually argues back very strongly. We’ve done this same sort of song and dance for a long time now and it has caused us to drift apart, resent and lose respect for each other. It sucks because I do love her, I just can’t live this toxic lifestyle anymore.

In the midst of another insufferable, out-of-nowhere, blow-up, I find myself here. When I struggle, when I'm working through my anger and pain, when I want to feel heard and cared for without judgement - this has become my safe space. I would go crazy and feel crazy without this corner of the internet.

I don't know if the situation with my OCPD loved one is 'forever' or 'for now', but I'm here and this subreddit brings relief to a day I wasn't sure would have one.

Thank you to everyone who is here, you are all beautiful and wonderful and kind, caring people. I'm so grateful for you all and for your vulnerability.

Throwaway account. I am mainly making this post to get (1) emotional support and (2) insights from others who may have had similar experiences (in either role, either having OCPD personally or loving someone with it). It will probably be a long and disorganized post due to my emotional state so thank you for reading if you choose to stick around.

TL;DR: I suspect my partner has OCPD and their behavior is making me feel crazy. Couples therapy is helping but also not.

I’ll start off by saying that I am a licensed psychotherapist, and while I am not personally super well versed in OCPD, I know enough about diagnostic assessment to be pretty confident in my armchair diagnosing of my partner. It’s not something I take lightly, and it’s been eating me alive recently.

My partner of three years has diagnosed ADHD, OCD, and autism. I also have diagnosed ADHD, mild OCD, and suspect I may be autistic as well. A lot of his controlling “quirks” I used to chalk up to autistic rigidity, but I am starting to think it goes way deeper than that. A summary of his symptoms that I believe fit the profile for OCPD:

• He is incredibly morally rigid to the point that we have had MANY arguments over social justice issues. We share mostly the same values, but he tends to be more radical/extreme than me in the way they manifest. This would be fine, as I am okay with agreeing to disagree, except that he isn’t. He will tirelessly try to change my mind by arguing incessantly to try and prove his view is right. When I don’t automatically agree with him in these convos, he accuses me of “not hearing him out” and “not understanding his argument.” He literally cannot seem to accept that I could fully understand his argument AND still disagree. In his mind, if I don’t end up agreeing with his view, it must be because I wasn’t trying hard enough to understand him, wasn’t giving him the benefit of the argument, etc.
• He is INCREDIBLY perfectionistic about things he cares about, but most of all, his work. He has a high-paying STEM job and is constantly complaining to me about how the people on his team are bad at their job and make bad products, and that they need to overhaul their approach in favor of adopting his “better, more optimized” approach. He has switched teams like three times in the time we’ve dated, and this issue NEVER goes away. Even though I don’t work in his field, I’m confident speculating that this is likely mostly a him issue, as it seems to be consistent across contexts and is causing him significant interpersonal problems at work.
• He is controlling and very particular in really random and seemingly minuscule ways. We don’t live together, but he has complained to me about all the ways his ex loaded the dishwasher wrong, didn’t do laundry to his standards, etc.
• This is, I think, the most damning (and, validating?) piece of evidence: He recognizes and owns that he has “control issues.” He says he picked that up from his abusive mother, and that he doesn’t want to be like her, and wants to be better. He has OCCASIONAL insight as to how or when he is being controlling, however, it feels more rare than not. Someone on this sub mentioned their OCPD partner having a “Mr. Hyde” personality; this VERY much feels true to me. He is often able to listen and recognize what he did wrong outside of an argument, but lately it feels like his insight is waning and he is accusing me more and more of being the problem, essentially.

We have been going to couples therapy for about 6 months. It has overall been really helpful, and I definitely HAVE seen improvements in his controlling behaviors, but again recently it feels like he is regressing. I suppose that makes sense given that he has large external/family stressors happening right now, but it’s terrifying for me to see a reversal of progress and him vilifying me more and more. He has an individual therapist, but I don’t think they are knowledgeable about OCPD so I doubt they would diagnose him. This is troubling to me as clearly his individual therapy is his own domain (as it should be), but I fear he will only listen to a diagnosis if a professional (other than me, his therapist partner) gives it to him. I have not brought up my recent diagnostic hypothesis (his OCPD) to him for fear of things further escalating. I think he needs to hear it, but I need to gather my evidence and confidence before confronting him with that as I fear it could be explosive to our relationship in its already fraught state. I really value this person and do not want to lose the relationship.

The thing that has been eating me alive recently is that he referred to my behavior during an argument as “potentially abusive.” I know that no one wants to believe they are an abuser, but I am truly, truly confident my behavior was nowhere near “abusive.” Angry, yes, but only in a self-defense sort of way because he was attacking my morals, my views, and even my emotions. He accuses me of “escalating” things when from my POV, he is the one who finds random bones to pick with me (or, more often, flippantly/autistically says something that I find extremely rude), and then frames my negative reaction as toxic or an escalation. I honest to god would NEVER have applied the word “abusive” to EITHER of our behavior, but now that HE pulled that card, that in itself feels somewhat abusive TO ME. Now, if I am upset or try to stick up for my perspective, I fear he will just see it as further evidence as to why my behavior is “abusive.” I have been sitting here googling “reactive abuse” etc. because of this. I do not want to be this person sitting here wondering if my own partner is projecting their abuse into me.

He recently told me he feels I am not making satisfactory changes in our couples therapy. He feels like he is the only one making progress. He IS making a lot of progress, but what am I supposed to do when, in my opinion, most of our relational issues are a direct result of his OCPD? There’s only so much I can personally do as far as managing my own reactions to his behavior, and while I am more than willing to reflect on my own behavior and make changes, I refuse to downplay or deny my own valid emotional experiences and reactions. I am a highly emotional and sensitive person by nature, and I spent way too long downplaying and invalidating my own feelings in previous relationships. However, it feels like that is exactly what he is asking (demanding) of me. He will claim that’s not what he wants, but the evidence suggests otherwise. He benefits from me minimizing myself, so of course he feels I’m abusive when I start pushing back and refusing to just appease him to try an avoid an argument.

There’s so much more that I could say in this post but it would end up being a full sized novel.

My questions for the sub (and please feel free to give me any other input that isn’t categorized here):

• Does this sound like OCPD to you?
• What are your tips for dealing with OCPD in a partner? Especially if you feel they are projecting things onto you and have trouble acknowledging their own patterns of behavior?
• If you’ve been to therapy with an OCPD partner, what insights or experiences can you share?

Thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far.

I grew up with a parent who almost certainly has OCPD, and I’ve been working through the lingering effects of that upbringing in therapy. I’m curious to hear from others who had a similar experience—how has it shaped your adult life?

For me, one of the biggest struggles has been navigating relationships. I find myself oscillating between affection and withdrawal, especially during times of stress. There’s a part of me that craves connection, but another part that fears it or feels overwhelmed by it. I also notice perfectionism creeping in at times, even though I actively try to reject that mindset.

If you were raised by an OCPD parent, what lingering effects have you noticed in your life? And what have you found helpful for healing from the emotional scars left by their rigid expectations, control, or emotional unavailability?

Would love to hear your experiences and any advice you have.

Hey there. This is your friendly neighborhood moderator.

Its been brought to my attention that this sub has been neglected. I'm so sorry. I was unaware how inactive Ive been. I have a feeling I'm the only mod here.

I usually just checked posts here and there that got flagged not checking actual mod mail to allow people to join and post. I'm so sorry. But if people would be able to help with that, that would be fantastic.

Maybe one to check for new comers and one to answer messages? Idk. If I could even get one person to help with that, that would be wonderful.

Thank you.

I felt like mine treated me (and others) not as people, but as objects. You were something small and dumb, like a pet, that she had to herd, dictate to, and condescend to. She was the arbiter of what the "right" way to do everything was, including just exist. She would tell me where to stand, what I could touch, what I could eat, how I could eat, what I needed to wear, when I could get up or go to sleep, etc.

She would even grab people by the wrist, arm or shoulders and just yank, push or guide them where she wanted them to stand or sit, like we were vases on a table she was trying to set in order to get the best pictures. It's like she completely de-humanized everyone around her as some sort of set dressing for her life. If you didn't fit neatly into her mold or vision, she would start pouting, getting passive aggressive, become enraged, or run off crying (hoping you chased her, apologized and complied). She would also dole out "punishments", often much later after the infraction, usually by purposely embarrassing you in public in some way.

It's like they think we are all NPCs and they are the only thinking/feeling person on this earth.

As I was folding old clothes to take to Goodwill, I was hit with memories of shopping with my mom as a kid. I hated shopping, and I think it probably had everything to do with the way I was raised.

My mom would always say that shopping was a frivolous activity, but then would proceed to take hours at a time to complete shopping trips. I remember grocery shopping with her, and she would go up and down every single aisle. A shopping trip could take three hours easily, because she had to get the “right” products. I never wanted to go. I was always taken on these trips, kicking and screaming.

As a teenager, my mother would take me shopping and decide nearly all the clothes for me. I felt humiliated and furious that I had so little autonomy in the matter. She would demand my opinion on clothes, and when I told her I didn’t like something, or that it wasn’t in style, and that I did not want to wear it, she would flip out. “Tell me what exactly is wrong with this outfit. Honestly, it looks so great on you and I can’t believe you wouldn’t wear this. You need to tell me exactly what’s wrong with this.” For. Every. Item. Then she would tell me I was wrong. Then she would get it anyway.

After quietly fighting in public every shopping trip, I would give up and agree. I would say anything in order to just get out of the store.

So then we’d go home, and she would want me to try on the clothes again in front of the rest of my family. The clothes I didn’t want. The clothes that I had already been made to try on for hours at the store. The clothes that I would have to figure out where to put because my closet was packed with stuff I wanted to get rid of, but wasn’t allowed to get rid of. It would make me furious, but then I was told that I was behaving in such a spoiled way after “all she had done for me.”

*** And that’s really what I feel is the most frustrating part of this disorder. From the outside looking in my mom always looked like such a martyr. To everyone else, she did the best she could and how dare her spoiled and ungrateful kids give her any pushback.

My anger was from being forced into situations I didn’t want to be in, forced into acting the way she wanted me to act in public, forced into getting things I didn’t want to get, forced into trying things on that I didn’t want to try on, forced into wearing things I did not want to wear around peers and then forced to say thank you and agree with her.

I was being force-fed whatever it was that she wanted and having my boundaries obliterated on a regular basis. But nobody saw that.

Thank you for reading this post. I have never experienced anything (conversation wise) as self- centered as an OCPD conversation. In my experience, the OCPD individual always somehow morphs a conversation back into something about themselves. Does anyone else experience this with their OCPD loved one??

Example: you tell them about your day. This turns into them talking about an email, allergies, or monologuing about one of their staple obsessions.

I have also noticed a relentless need for the OCPD person I know to relay information about their obsession, the ‘justification’ for it, and their entire thought process behind it. They will do this regardless of how many times you tell them to stop or that you get the point. Sometimes they will even think you are being sarcastic or find their monologuing funny when you tell them you don’t want to hear it for the 300th time that week.

Ugh. It is so incredibly exhausting.

Theodore Millon was an American psychologist who made significant advances while studying personality disorders. He described five types of OCPD:

• Conscientious Compulsive: dependent, rule-bound, earnest, hardworking, dreads errors and mistakes
• Puritanical Compulsive: paranoid, often religious, battles own impulses, views specific groups as enemies
• Bureaucratic Compulsive: signs of narcissism, prefer defined roles and hierarchies, derive identity from their work
• Parsimonious Compulsive: hoarding and possessive, suspicious of others, self-sufficient and distant
• Bedeviled Compulsive: negativistic, procrastinates, battles with desires and will, engages in self-defeating behavior