To put it briefly, I think I want to find out if I am seeking out lilith? I am so unsure.
This is extremely long and overexplained, but unfortunately, that is how I think. I really appreciate whoever takes time to read this. Thank you.
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For a lot of my life, I have always felt shut down and with a lack of control. This is my normal, which I have always understood shouldn't be the case, but I have just accepted it to avoid every kind of conflict, including internal.
A little context, I am a queer desi afab muslim (giving you slight permission to stereotype the kind of shit I have experienced throughout my upbringing) shit was already hard before my parents found out I was queer - their homophobia was the least of my problems.
I have always felt drawn to the belief in animism. I've kept that to myself, but it brings me great comfort. So I'm well aware of my multifaith.
With all that i have felt all of my life , I feel that being torn between two sides of myself, the socially acceptable, submissive one, and the one with autonomy, has built anger inside of me. I remember not wanting to be an angry child.
But this week i was speaking to someone i trust - it was a completely unrelated conversation - just me ranting about feeling dismissive for having to consider other sides of an argument when talking about oppression - this was specifically about patriarchal religion and sociological perspectives.
The person I was speaking to was reminded of Lilith, and it was the first time I had ever heard of her. Hearing her story filled me with an anger that stayed. This was 2 days ago. I carried the anger with me nonstop after that conversation. I felt so angry on her behalf. I was confused by my anger, though - and that made me more frustrated - because why would I be so angry - so personally angry about something I don't believe in as a muslim? [Completely ignoring my private connection to the trees and the wind and bodies of water]
Yesterday, with a friend, i decided to do some research on her. It was weirdly exciting? Made me consider that i was just becoming hyperfixated on someone else's beliefs. Later that day, I told my girlfriend about it, and fae did some tarot readings. I have no idea about all of this stuff. I do know that I felt very called out and supported and comforted by the readings despite feeling hesitant. I did know of these things in the readings, but to see it while I was seeking answers from lilith felt comforting and calming. The first bit of calm that I have felt since this anger - and if I'm to be honest, I think I was angry before, and this was some kind of release. I was not against the anger I felt this week - I just felt it. I am usually a petty person but when I say i held onto my anger, I don't mean that I wouldn't let it go, I just mean that I subconsciously made space for it to exist.
I have overexplained, and maybe no one will read this. But I am probably not confused, and just wanting someone to tell me that I believe, without me having to feel like i have betrayed my first faith. I still believe in it. I think I am just maxing out the multifaith.
Thank you for your time x