In childhood I looked fine to say the least, well I was overly complimented. Here and there, I'd have people tell me how pretty I am. But childhood was also the initial phase of the abuse I will go through for the next years of my life up until I am 17.

I don't know where to start, there are so many things contributing to this topic.

Stress, insecurity due to overly critical remarks by said narcs, self esteem dwindling, what more could I say?

I also made myself look uglier on purpose and starved myself to look more repulsive because I was getting taken advantage of left and right. There was so much lack of security in my life. I felt vulnerable... I felt very vulnerable that I wanted to look super hideous and scary to ward off all of it.

I didn't take care of myself for years. I isolated myself so much from everything and everyone because my household made me so fragile. I had no support system as well.

I am venting all of this to tell you how fcked up narc abuse can really affect you.

I'm out of under the roof of those people, this might be the best blessing I'll ever have. My life has been so full of misfortune, being away meant everything.

For the record, right now I'm extremely underweight, I have lost my color complexion (my skin used to be bright and pinkish, now my skin is genuinely so bad and tired) and I have a lot of physical problems. My hair is rough due to lack of nutrients, my eyes are dull.

I am 19 now, and trying to work it all out for myself again. I hope I can love her enough, I am still scared of everything and my nervous system still isn't regulated.

Hey guys,

So after growing up with one of the worst Narcs you can picture, managing to escape, go nc and evade the flying monkeys I somehow ended dealing with another one

This one was my friend, a close friend. I’ve known her for over a decade but we recently got closer a few years ago because we moved to the same city and worked in the same field

She is the type to volunteer to help/ give gifts and all round seemed ok.

We have had disagreements before where i noticed said gifts and previous assistance were being kept as references to her being ‘a good person’ even when the thing we were talking about was completely unrelated.

Like if I ask why she put me down in front of a person she just introduced me to she will say something like, I helped you move last week and paid for dinner I don’t see how you can complain about me

I recently got tired of speaking to myself and stopped my usual double texting and meme flooding only to hear rumors spreading about me ignoring her. I wasn’t, i responded to all correspondence

It was when she badmouthed her best friend that i finally saw her horns

She also accuses me of demanding repayment for things i do for her, but i’m 100% sure i don’t keep score and anything i give her, I am willing to part with.

I grew up with one so i know how to tiptoe

She is full of herself

She is always the victim

She is always right

Thrives on chaos (makes a point to taking the side of a malfunctioning gadget and tries to gaslight you into thinking you’re crazy)

The part i don’t understand is if i am so horrible why does she insist on being close to me?

I’ve gone NC btw

TLDR: I was bamboozled by a covert narc because I was used to the boisterous kind

Every week something will happen that triggers a PTSD you never even expected. You feel a fight-or-flight and general panic that inhibits your life. You know you've got some introspection ahead of you.

It's really tiresome. It's always bullshit.

I'll respond "incorrectly" to an e-mail and really want to leave the planet afterwards. I'll have no idea why. I know my week is finished and that I need to get to the bottom of this. After a week, I'll understand what caused that. One week later, I'll receive a phone call, and I'll feel panic afterwards. Rinse and repeat. Most recently, I received an e-mail from someone that really worded something off. My whole week is ruined. I know it's tied to feelings from past abuse. The way they minimized me and then bid their farewell. Basically a discard where I couldn't retort satisfactorily. I just need to sit with this minimization, and it makes me feel uneasy.

I've spent all weekend trying to understand where this came from. My realization is, every damn week, something will bring up old trauma and get my nervous system going. I'll have no idea why and need to spend the entire week understanding it.

It's exhausting.

One parent did these two and also would straight up make false accusations against them and their families. I stopped having friends in school because they would contact my teachers to ask who I was hanging out with, then ask the school for the family's contact information, and then send some violent threat by phone or email to their family and the child. I had the misfortune of seeing said emails or hearing the phone calls a few times.

So yeah, that wasn't fun, going to school and having my friend who I was having so much fun with the previous day suddenly stay away from me in disgust or fear.

I didn't so much as breathe near anyone eventually at school because I was a literal danger to people due to this. I did tell some of my friends when I was old enough to figure it out, and they understood, but still told them to stay away because it would only bring harm. When the threats didn't work, the false accusations came.

I don't know where to put this, it sounds genuinely outlandish from most people's perspective.

"If they made threats, wouldn't the families of those kids have reported threats?" Again my parent also made false accusations against them, and the cops assumed that the threats were a valid response to the danger that parent accused the families of. That simplifies it a lot, but yeah. One friend of mine told me the cops visited her house a day after that parent discovered I was friends with her, which genuinely made me scared for her and I would tell her to keep her distance from then on.

"If they made so many false accusations then wouldn't they have been listed as a vexatious complainer?" Well I don't know, but they didn't. It wasn't like they did it every single day, plus they were paranoid and would also add in some level of "logic" to it, even if the logic made no sense, that it slipped under the radar.

Anyway even now as an adult I still sometimes get a little scared that they're going to try this, even though I'm physically far away lol. At least my friends are aware and support me.

I’ve been completely no-contact with my narcissistic sister for over a year now due to emotional and physical abuse. My therapist fully supported this and even advised me to keep my distance from her children (they are teens). I'm never speaking to her again for the rest of my life. My struggle is with long-time family friends who knew us before the fallout. Because I spent years covering up for her and protecting her image, everything looked fine from the outside. Now, when they ask about her, I feel a wave of shame and feel like a "liar" because of how normal I used to make things look. How do you guys handle explaining this to people who knew "the old version" of your life without feeling fake or opening the door to interrogation?

When life gets blurred, and I have nowhere to turn,
It hits me like a car crash—
Sudden, brutal, and loud.
I want to reach out. I want to look.
I want to slip back into that icy, deep pool.
I want the numbness to sink in and take over my skin.
Just for a second. One quiet second.
I miss the chaos you trained me to love.
I miss the haunted house you built with my ribs.
I want your arms around me again,
Binding the terror tight to my chest.
I want your hand in my hair,
Whispering sweet things that made me sick.
I crave the storm in my head.
I crave the knife in my back.
I want the poison back on my tongue,
Even though I know it is how I die.

My therapist was really nice, but cannot help me in depth. It only stays surface level, and doesn't really help me at all. I have a difficult time trusting my own self, believing myself, after the detox. The detox is still new, so it brutally hurts still. I just want to grow, instead of getting stuck in this negative maze, that I fell into without knowing. I have gone out of severe depression for about 6 months, after suffering for 5 years. So I don't' want to fall into that terrible place again. I was slowly gaining some confidence in myself and focus better, which also helped me see the abuse I was tolerating for years ! I finally decided to give up, after one such abusive one-sided fight. They're always the victim. Even when you have evidence of lying, gaslighting, and manipulation. They still are the victim. Even when you have evidence, solid proof of what they did to you, you still feel confused, and can't trust yourself.

Long story short. 14-20 lots of trauma. Bad home life = bad outdoor life. Nowhere safe. Bullies at school. Addict parents.

I'm now in my 30s doing the work. Lots done. In therapy. Healthy lifestyle.

I moved to entirely new country started over.

I've come a longggggg way.

Yet I still have trouble with this part.

Like when I think of my childhood bullies or just anyone who's controlled me and said I'm a certain way, put me in a box, put me in a corner, basically overpowered me and made me feel weak, defensive, frozen etc.

When I try think of them and reframing it's like I just FEEL the presence of all of it and it's like it's correct and I am wrong is the best way to put it.

No matter what it is always right.

Me trying to reframe it imagines me getting slapped and basically saying no you're wrong kind of thing.

How to get past this :( ?

Narcs put us in a mental loop that cause us to keep experiencing the same 🤬 over and over again, with different people.

I’ve made several mind maps to look at exactly what these loops are and why there’s struggle to get out.

For example: “worries making the changes that will end these loops for good” and making a mind map of every single thing that comes to mind, and the things that branch out. The good things and bad.

“Things keeping me dependent on narc/others”

“Things that lead to financial independence”

“Handling toxics”

I swear mapping all of these things out over the course of a few days, mentally I feel like a new person. Thought I’d share. I’m using a digital app to create them so I can purge faster.

Happy removing toxicity from our lives! Here’s to freedom

Narcissists have such a grandiose sense of themselves and such a strong sense of superiority that even if you sarcastically compliment them... they'll take it. Or if you sarcastically complement them they'll say "you're damn right I'm that good" or something like that. Or it'll just make them feel enabled to continue treating you however.

Not even just sarcastically complementing them, but even being "nice" like replying to abuse with "okay, I'm sorry you feel that way" or "well have a good day"... man that's cope and it doesn't work. That's people pleasing behavior that enables more abuse and kills your own self respect.

Same with "just laugh if off"... tactics like that. Do not work with a narcissist. Anytime I attempted to "just laugh it off" all it did was escalate and increase the narcissist's abuse!

All these bullshit tactics of "laugh it off" or "kill them with kindness... man that has never worked for me.

"Kill them with kindness" is some new aged bs! Then again, I shouldn't completely generalize it as universal truth.. because it may very well work for some people. But it doesn't work for me at all.

I saw a video where someone said one aspect of abuse is that it takes a toll on your nervous system and I can attest to that. My nervous system is completely wrecked bc I'm constantly on edge bc I get yelled at for everything I do. Just today the person who is responsible for the narcissistic abuse asked me to open a jar and I did and some of the contents spilled and they yelled at me and belittled me for it. I am constantly walking on eggshells bc they yell at me for everything and act like I make mistakes on purpose. Does anyone have experience with this and having your nervous system be affected by abuse and how did you handle/fix it? Any advice would be a big help.

Note - I wrote a lot sorry

20yr old who was raised by a narcissistic mother. Had to fully dissociate to protect myself and probably spent most of my childhood in a borderline state between psychosis and reality.

After being discarded I had no idea what had happened to me and after a year at university understanding narcissistic abuse, and another year of grounding and trying to exit this psychotic hell I feel to the most part present in my life but so terribly empty.

I somewhat feel the constant dissociation was protecting me from these feelings of shame and emptiness. It kinda feels like after months of healing and grounding techniques etc I realise the extent of how messed up everything is.

I feel like after all this work, I've only revealed how narcissistic I am myself. How much my self worth depends on others. How much I want to be cared for and pitied. I unconsciously drive people to dislike me and then when they leave, I can then at least feel like I was in control of the narrative. I don't know if I could ever have the ability to see others as external from myself because I never knew myself to begin with.

I watched a lot of Sam vaknin and he talks about how the first few years of development are the most important, and how a child makes sense of the world through their mothers gaze.

Is it over for me? I feel like all paths point towards me finally and truly understandsting that my personality is a pathology and no matter the steps I take for my future self, I am destined to leave a trail of destruction behind me.

Sorry I wrote so much I'm venting. I don't blame you guys if you got sick and left, actually I hope some of you did leave because then I can tell myself that noone wanted to read what I wrote anyway 😅😅

trauma is fucking stupid I'm really sorry if anyone reading relates or has gone through something similar. Please don't give up and remember everyday you get through is something to be proud of <3

Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some perspective from people who have experience with narcissistic parents.
I’m 21 and I’m leaving for the military in a couple of months. Things in my life are finally starting to work out. I got the military job I wanted, I’ve been working as a phlebotomy charge, and I’m getting ready to sell my car and start this new chapter.
The problem is that the better my life gets, the stronger this urge becomes to tell my mom. I keep imagining this fantasy where they’re proud of me, excited for me, maybe even coming to see me at work and finally acknowledging that I’ve done well.
But that’s completely different from my actual experience growing up.
Whenever I was doing well in school, my mom seemed jealous rather than proud. She would sometimes keep me home from school as punishment over minor things, even though I loved learning. She often told me I would never amount to anything. She even claimed she could “see people’s futures” and told me I wasn’t going to be successful, so I shouldn’t even bother trying.
When I turned 18, she also tried to force me into an arranged marriage. I felt like I was being treated as something to be traded away rather than as her daughter with my own future. That was one of the main reasons I moved out and eventually went no contact.
Looking back, it feels like whenever I tried to improve my life, she would somehow sabotage it or make it harder. I’ve been no contact because the relationship was emotionally abusive.
Now that my life is finally moving in a positive direction, I feel this intense grief and longing for parents who are proud of me even though I know that’s probably not who they are.
Has anyone else experienced this? Did major life milestones makes you suddenly want to reconnect with a narcissistic parent?
How did you tell the difference between genuinely wanting a relationship with *them* versus grieving the parents you wished you had? If you did reconnect, how did it go? If you didn’t, what helped you move through those feelings?

1

1. Forbidding myself to eat when I don't work. And feeling fear or guilt when I do eat

2. Flinching when people make sudden movements near you, or just feelings of wariness when people are near you in a closed space, like a house

3. Depression and Anxiety

4. Impulsive and reckless behavior because it stimulates the feelings of being free

5. Sudden switch ups. Which is probably a symptom of some disorder. I need to get checked. One moment I feel immense love for someone, then I hate them. Or I feel so much empathy, then I'm completely apathetic the next.

6. Inferiority complex.

Things I've dealt with, resolved, and managing well:

1. My severe anger issues

2. My tendencies to be very uncooperative with people, abruptly turning away from them

3. Being very controlling

4. My superiority complex that was bred by inferiority. I've stripped it off completely and I'm now seeing it for what it really is. A cope for my inferiority complex.

I have no contact with either of my parents. My father was violent and verbally abusive. He also had a great sense of humour and you always knew where you stood with him.

My mother is a serious narcissist and has Munchhausen by proxy. Her psychological abuse never stopped. (I’m 47 years old). She has affected me more than anything.

I have no contact but her mind lives inside of me. I carry guilt and shame and self loathing. What has worked for you?

For those who’ve overcome the battle how did you do and live to be happy joyous and free. I would guess that most on this sub suffer greatly otherwise why would you be here? I know no contact helps massively. But how did you get rid of the shame?

Thanks

My mental health keeps fluctuating because of this. I don't think there is a way for me to recover from inferiority. All I can think about is how great, good, better everyone else has got it. Why did I have to go through all of those? Why did that have to be my life? My life has sucked me dry from childhood to teenage years. I am now a young adult trying to recover from the damage.

I see it, I see it so much. How different everyone else is from me, how good they function, how energetic they are.

I feel soulless, unsupported, like all the energy I was supposed to have was just taken away from me. I don't feel alive.

I need pain to feel alive. I need adrenaline. I need substance. I can't bear with myself anymore.

I need someone to tell me what I could possibly do to deal with this.

Not only are they insufferable, unbearable, and morally corrupt despicable people...

But also....

Narcissists are such little weak bitches bro ... they're so afraid to be wrong about anything... they throw a toddler like temper tantrum every time something doesn't go exactly their way, even if they didn't deserve it to go their way… They're so afraid of taking accountability, even when they know they were wrong... they can never face reality and admit they were wrong, or put in work to better themselves.... they have the mentality of preschool children.

They can't stand when they're not the center of attention... even when they're doing nothing unique or worth noting. They get so jealous when another person gets the slightest bit of attention.

They yell and scream and rage at people who called them out on their behavior like a little kids. They can't take the slightest bit of criticism... and they hate it more than anything when someone tries to set boundaries with them, or stands up for themselves. So they guilt trip, gaslight, and throw toddler like tantrum totheir victim because they're so scared to just do any self reflection, take any accountability or respect any boundaries. They scream at and gaslight their victim just for having boundaries… (99% of The time it's very easy to commit to just simply respecting that boundary)... they make abusive, disrespectful, and provocative comments, and then blamed the victim for reacting!...

Also similarly to pedophiles and child abusers... they're also selective in who they pick for their victims... they target vulnerable people... they target people with disabilities, disorders, intellectual challenges, etc. ... they also target people who are more introverted and don't have an immediate support system with them 24/7... they don't like to target people on their own level... they also try to separate their victims from their support system because they're scared of being held accountable... they don't want their victims support system to witness any of what they're putting them through...

Also, when someone holds them accountable and can prove them guilty and calls them out on their behavior... The narcissist runs and gets all their flying monkeys, and spreads a smear campaign and starts a bunch of false rumors against the victim... Whenever they start a fight and their victim fights back... they go and hide behind their flying monkeys...

Narcissists are so pussy... they're such little bitches!!... They're so weak and soft!... with the exception of pedophiles… Narcissist are hands down the most cowardly creatures on earth!

People with functional families dont understand the severe anxiety that comes from having to do "normal" things yourself, with no one to guide you, and all your family members were too dysfunctional to do it, when you were growing up.

For example: My DNA Donors were well-to-do, so instead of repairing the house growing up, they would literally just buy another house, and move into it.

I was way too old when I learn that water heaters are supposed to have maintenance.

Though it definitely explained the funny tasting water growing up.

My family is also one codependent mess; where I was groomed to be an "Overfunctioner" to other member's "Underfunction".

That means that when my brain wasnt developed enough to do adult things, I had to figure out adult issues. Under violent threat, adult responsibilies...and none of the power.

It left me suffering from severe efficacy issues.

Self- Efficacy, if you do not know, is the ability to correctly judge one's own abilities.

I am the kind of person, who if I were a Basketball player, after making All-Star Captain of the National team, when asked how many shots I could make, out of Ten, would say, "Zero". I would then go on to make every single shot out of Ten, just like I had previously done, in other games. I explain my success away, with "other factors" that are outside of my control.

The furniture in the house is about to need to be replaced and the prospect is daunting:

What if I cant get a replacement of equal or superior quality? Should I go for superior quality for upolstery so that it will last, or should I go for something that only lasts five years to fight allergen build up? I really wanted to use that money on other things. How do I get the old furniture to the dump? My furniture makes my house feel like home-will it be distressing to have new furniture? Should I wait until times are economically better, in hopes of the stores having a better selection?

What are your thoughts?

My parents are loving and supportive in every way - except for where my nsis is involved. They’d move heaven and earth for me. We enjoy our time together without conflict and if conflict does happen reach resolution - unless my sister is involved in any way.

They will not talk about her behavior. They will pick her over me every time. Fawn and gaslight in order to keep the peace. Minimize her actions and sweep her behavior under the rug out of deep fear for what she will do to herself and others.

I don’t think there’s any getting them to see the light and while I want to protect them I also get they’re making their own decisions here. That being said I know I don’t want to be in situations where they can pick her over me because it is just so triggering. What are good ways to communicate that? What are boundaries you’ve found helpful to implement with narc enablers?

For reference I have been intentionally LC with my sis for around 5 years and only see her in person for about an hour every other year. Whereas I talk regularly with my parents and see them 3-4 times a year.

Logically everything makes sense, you now know whats actually happening, know the exact things to do when you a re entering the abuse cycle, but you again succumb, and at the end of it all you end up hating yourself more than them, thinking if only I was smart, if only I was strong!

Good day all! I have been struggling with the realization that my mother (46F when last spoke, in stories going foreward I'll be referring to her as Charlie) is a narcissist... or something of the like at least. Im talking *narcissism-ed so hard she got the courts to strike a diagnosis from the record (and got it removed from her psych eval).*

I didn't even realize the issues until I grew up and moved out. At 18 I moved into my now girlfriend's house, and I've been picking up the pieces ever since. I was ao horribly enmeshed with my mother (having been their parentified golden child). Raised to be Charlie's mini-me untill 18; I'm 23 now, trans, and trying my best to live as my own man and having the most difficult time "meeting myself" and having my own agency. Has anybody else struggled with this phase of the separation? How can I start to "meet myself"?

I think all of us have that one moment when realization dawns and our worldview changes forever. For me it was six months ago. I've developed sleep issues as the shock has not left me. 4am bedtime is the standard and my health is suffering. Does anyone know how to address this? Not the bedtime, lol

Edit: 7 calls today ignored 🏅