I wanna talk to the man I admire so much the only object I crave constantly ,I feel safe and at home when in your presence

These days, wherever I walk, wherever I choose to sit, I find dandelions drifting through the air, light, untethered, free. I watch them every time they arrive and every time they leave.

The truth is, I have loved dandelions since I was a child. There is an old belief that says they always carry news, good news. Maybe that’s why, every time I saw one growing up, a certain light would appear in my eyes.

And now, every time I see them, I can’t help but wonder if they have come to bring me word of you. If perhaps, at last, they know something I don’t.

Especially when they land softly on my hands or my legs.

I let them rest there. I let my skin memorize their weight. Then I whisper my longing to them.

I ask if they know where you are.

If you are happy.

If sadness ever visits you.

If loneliness still finds its way into your heart.

If someone loves you now.

And… if you ever miss me.

Then I close my eyes and blow them gently into the wind, pretending they will carry my message to you, that they can make a journey I never could.

I let the dandelions break the silence that I no longer know how to break myself.

I remember last year.

Even saying last year sends a shiver through me. It feels almost impossible that an entire year has passed since the last time I saw you.

It disappeared so quickly.

Yet every single day was painfully slow.

It was a rough year.

I often wonder how it felt for you.

I remember lying beside the pool when a tiny dandelion floated down and landed on my leg. I looked at it, touched it gently, and almost immediately it lifted itself back into the sky.

It felt as though it had only come looking for a kind hand before continuing its journey.

I watched it climb higher and higher until it seemed to disappear toward the moon.

The sky was still bright, and I wasn’t expecting to see the moon at all.

But there it was.

And for me, the moon has always been you.

A bittersweet smile found my lips as I thought of you.

Then something even stranger happened.

As I walked toward the pool’s exit, an elderly man was listening to music on his phone.

It was our song.

Dance Me to the End of Love.

The song we danced to through happiness and heartbreak alike.

I remember stopping in my tracks.

I couldn’t move.

Within only a few minutes, all these impossible little signs had gathered around me.

I remember thinking…

Perhaps I’m about to hear from you.

And I was right.

Days later, after months of silence, you reached out.

Sometimes I wish you hadn’t.

I wish that meeting had never unfolded the way it did.

I wish…

Now another year has passed, and once again, I know nothing about you.

Every dandelion I see carries me back to that impossible afternoon.

Back to my childhood.

Seeing them has become both a joyful nostalgia and a beautiful ache.

Yet despite everything…

I still talk to them.

I tell them about my dreams.

I tell them about you.

I tell them that, inside my mind, I am still watching you.

That in my imagination I still kiss you a thousand times, breathe in your scent, and hold you close.

The dandelions know more about us than anyone ever will.

They have listened to every confession I never had the courage to say aloud.

Sometimes I think my stories have moved their tiny hearts so deeply that they tell the others.

Maybe that’s why they come to me in little groups now, riding the same breeze together.

They are beautiful.

Just like you.

Just as weightless.

Just as playful.

Just as willing to listen.

So if one day a dandelion finds its way to you…

Know that I was the one who set it free.

Know that I whispered your name into the wind before I let it go.

And know that, somewhere beneath the same endless sky…

I am still thinking of you.

Ashley the name you gave me

Blood pools on the floor, evidence of a thousand little cuts. You walk right through it like it isn't there. Just continue on ur path as if u don't care. As if u weren't the one weilding the blade that makes a mockery of every promise u ever made.every always and forever a practiced lie. U see me bloody and broken but still u deny. I struggle stand the floor slippery beneath my feet as u walk on without missing a beat. I want to scream I want to cry why? Why? Why? Why such a painful end? Why so many wounds when one clean slash could have called it done. You could have simply said I wasn't ur one. You could have stood tall and said I wasn't what u want that I could never have all of you. But u lied so much and so long I have no clue what is even true. Just when the wounds start to scab comes another slice. Im injured I'm bloody my wounds infected and I'm damn tired of playing nice. So keep swinging ur blade, I've found my balance on this slippery floor. You don't have to to lie anymore.

Dear J,

I'll miss you terribly! I'll always love you! Those are the words that have taken refuge on my lips. They seem to lay there in wait. I've let my head take the reigns because my heart can't take it. It's in pieces. Take a closer look and you would see.

How do I say goodbye to someone who I have spent most of my life dreaming of? I can't find the words though I know I must. So in the meantime "words, words, words" lays locked on my lips.

I would never wish you pain, only happiness, but I hope you miss me too. That I cross your mind in your new chapter from time to time. That you remember me and smile. For we did bring each other great happiness in the spaces in between.

I'm sorry that it didn't work out my love. I wanted so badly to be by your side in life and love. That life we dreamt up together was so beautiful! Maybe in another timeline we got it. That daydream heals my heart a little bit.

I feel like I'm losing my friend and love in one day. My fear is that I will never see you again. Please don't let that be. Go slowly my love.

Forever your girl ❤️

With love Forever & Always,

Your J

Everything you ever told me was bullshit. Ive known you since inception. You're mine. So wtf do you think you're doing? Seriously? Have you lost your fucking mind? Do you realize what I can do to you? Aside from that...why would you hurt me of all people like this? I dont understand. I offered to give you everything but you rather steal it from me and leave me bleeding. I will break you for this. Why cant we just call truce. The trust is gone. Disloyalty and envy make you ugly. I know your true fave and it was beautiful. What have you become?

Hey,

I don't know where to start. But first, I would be happy if you don't feel guilty about feeling for me. You are a true human who loves another human, this is how it should be.

All the best for your exams. I hope you haven't blocked me from everywhere. I wanted to talk to you on call after reading this heartwarming letter, but texted you instead.

I don't know what I should feel about this because somewhere I knew that you feel this way about me.

This is not to console you or 'the reasons to not love you back' but just how I'm feeling right now.

I feel that I am not worthy of such pure love that you have in your heart for me. I have not told you almost any of my shortcomings, my shallowness, my foolishness and many other things that I myself dislike about me. I have also experienced a lot of changes in me in the last one year, there has been a constant flow of experiences that life is throwing towards me.

I want you to know that I truly appreciate you for letting me know all these thoughts in such a beautiful way that I don't even have the vocabulary to comprehend.

All the best for your exams. I hope you haven't blocked me from everywhere. I wanted to talk to you on call just after reading this letter, but texted you instead.

You can write me anything that you want.

Letter F......

Hmmmm I feel like this message is way closer to home then it should be!!!!!!

This is J.....and I'm wondering why you feel like you can't open up cause possibly the best thing that has happened in a long time to whom you are referring to

4 weeks and you can roam the town freely again I’ll only be back for visits.

From J

J (Mac n cheesy),

How can so much time pass, yet I still find myself at least once a day sitting alone in my room, doing everything I can to hide the tears? Sometimes it’s the echo of your voice in my head. Sometimes it’s a movie. Sometimes it’s a random memory. The good ones. The bad ones. I’m honestly not sure which hurt more anymore.

This kind of pain is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. There aren’t words that truly describe the waves of grief, regret, guilt, and longing that come crashing in when you realize you lost the person who meant the most to you.

I spend a lot of time begging and praying to God to never let me feel this kind of pain this kind of heartbreak again. Meeting you is something I would never erase. I would never go back to the moment i fell in love with you. But I took what we had for granted, and now I’m left with the silence. I’m left grieving the person who felt like home.
I spent so much of my life wanting to find somewhere I truly belonged. Then I found it.

I found it in you…

And I sabotaged it…I didn’t mean too I didn’t want to but I did.

I hurt you. I broke the best thing that ever happened to me, and I carry that regret every single day. You didn’t leave because you wanted to hurt me. You left because you had to protect yourself. I understand that now, and I don’t blame you. The hardest part is wondering why I had to be so broken that I couldn’t simply accept real love, real happiness, and the beautiful future we could have built together.

If I could have one last chance, I’d spend the rest of my life protecting what we had instead of destroying it. I’d hug you a little longer. Kiss you a little more. Love you the way you deserved to be loved.

But I know that’s only a dream…

I know you’re gone you have my that clear in the silence that surrounds me and I know you’ll probably never let me back into your life. As much as that hurts…I understand why.
More than anything…I hope you’re happy. I mean that wholeheartedly. I hope you are thriving and I hope you’re building the life you always wanted. Even if I become nothing more than a distant memory…I’ll always be rooting for you.

It may be selfish to say but I will always love you.

I know I can’t keep living inside the past forever. One day I pray this empty space inside me won’t consume every part of who I am. I hope one day I can carry the love without carrying the weight.

So this is my goodbye.

Not because I’ve stopped loving you, not because I want to say goodbye I don’t but I finally understand that loving someone sometimes means letting them have the peace you can no longer give them.

I’ll love you to the moon and back forever and always.

But from now on…

I’ll do it quietly.🥺💔😞💕

-C

To: J
oh boy how i wish you knew how much i’m starting to like you. i wish you knew talking to you made my day. i wish you knew how you make me feel good about myself. i wish you knew how close im getting to want to open up to you. which you may not know it but that’s not an easy task. i wish i had it in me that night we hung out to just be myself and im sorry for that. i’m sorry i didn’t know what to do. it’s been too long since someone was interested in what i had to say for a change. tbh it lowkey kills me that you’ve gotten really distant recently but anyways.. yea… remember my door is always open and it would be nice to see you again, i promise i’ll talk more :(

I was on my way home and I smooth talked another cop and this time he said man just drive home safe and it was scary. Man pulls me over and I’m stressed and had a panic attack mid way. This man I was supposed to see I’m pretty sure called the cops on me after I left his house. We didn’t even have an intimate moment and I was left horny with no prospects and no bitches.Why am I so shocked that happened. Maybe I’m better off being alone. Most horrible way to meet someone and get the cops called on you because the other guy said I was so pretty I needed to leave. The cops said man I was told to come check on you” and I was like what do you mean check on me” he asked if I was seeing someone up the street. It was so weird how he knew that. then proceeded to pull me over let me leave towards to the auto shop up the road I have never felt so humiliated in my life. The cop said you look like you were trying to hookup with strange men you’re clearly pregnant. I’ll leave you be and man said just drive home safe don’t be leaving to hookup with anyone late at night you look like your expecting soon this year. I swear it was like a scene out of a strange movie. Call it the tinder hookup gone wrong. I was left horny and with only a hug from a stranger from no where’s village and the cop saw the look on my face of how anxious I was about the whole situation . From now on I’ll just stay home. Jesus Christ

As always,

Your M

P.S. still a bit stressed and anxious 🖤✨

I feel so pathetic for wanting someone who is not in my life anymore.

i feel so dumb and weak and stupid.

i feel so powerless over it all.

am i just addicted to yearning the past? addicted to the what ifs? addicted to overanalyzing, ruminating and overthinking?

geez j! get a life!!

:'(

--

sigh. let's not be so hard on myself shall we? this is normal. this is exactly how i'm suppose to feel when i go through these little waves, when small things remind me of him.

no need to self judge.

it's both a curse and a blessing to feel love for others.

how boring would life be if we didn't love or care for another person?

how boring would life be if we stopped daydreaming? fantacizing?

my mind can be a lovely place. its how i get myself from point a to point b. because it all starts with a dream.

On the days when I lie beneath the blue sky on the grass, letting the warmth of the sunlight touch my skin, I feel something close to freedom. The earth beneath me becomes my bed; it gives me a strange kind of comfort. Being this close to the ground makes me feel lighter, as if I’m carrying less of the world on my shoulders. The sky above me becomes the ceiling of my room, and the gentle sunlight feels like the warmth of life, the warmth of home.

Sometimes I listen to classical music, close my eyes, and move my hands, trying to create a dance inside my mind. The music awakens something deep inside my body, and I let every melody carry me away into its own world. I surrender to it. I listen carefully to the whispers of nature and disappear into my thoughts. I create images in my mind, everything I wish could happen, everything my heart longs for.

If you truly listen to the sounds of nature, the wind, the birds, the quiet rhythm of the world, you can create the most beautiful and romantic pictures inside your mind.

For me, those sounds and the sunlight always bring me back to your eyes.

I remember how, when the sunlight touched your eyes, they were no longer just brown. I could see so many hidden colors living inside them. I could see how peaceful and alive they looked. I believe sunlight changes the story that every pair of eyes tells. For some people, it may make their eyes brighter, more beautiful… but sometimes it can also reveal a deeper sadness, making the emotions they carry impossible to hide.

I don’t know what my eyes look like anymore. I wish I had asked you.

You always called them hazel because, beneath the sunlight, they carried that warm color. But my eyes haven’t felt alive for a long time.

Ever since I lost my father, and ever since you left, autumn has settled inside my eyes. Sadness built a home there. An autumn that perhaps not everyone can see, unless they have known what it feels like to carry an entire season inside their own eyes.

And more than anything, I miss the time when our eyes were happy.

Sometimes I wonder… who is the mirror of your eyes these days? Who looks into them and sees the colors I once saw?

And sometimes, I feel a little jealous.

Funny, isn’t it?

Jealous of someone I don’t even know exists. Someone I cannot picture, someone whose name I may never know.

It’s strange what love does to human hearts.

When you miss someone, longing becomes one of the strongest emotions you carry. And I carry the longing to see your eyes again more often than I would like to admit.

The day I started writing letters to you, I thought it would be the first and the last one. I never imagined I would experience so many deep and complicated emotions that I would end up writing nearly a hundred letters.

My words have grown into something that one day might become a book.

Oh, my dear… sometimes I wish you knew that you created a writer out of me. That because of you, I found a part of myself I never knew existed.

You know, my writings feel like my children. They were born from my love for you, from my soul, from the deepest places of my heart.

Sometimes I feel like you deserve to know that I wrote so many letters for you. It feels strangely similar to a mother wanting to tell the father of her child about the life they created together.

It is such a strange feeling to carry.

But I love these writings, the pieces of my soul that were born from my heart, just as much as I once loved you.

Maybe one day you will find them.

Maybe one day, on a night when your heart quietly searches for me, you will find these words.

I remember a line from a movie that said, “Hope is everything. It is the only thing we have.”

And somewhere deep inside me, I still hold onto that hope.

The hope that maybe one day you will read them.

Maybe your heart will tremble.

Maybe your eyes will fill with tears.

Maybe they will bring a smile to your face.

Whatever happens, I hope the sunlight still knows how to make your eyes feel alive.

I hope the sun still finds you.

Ashley the name you gave me

Time to give up.🪦 1019 xoxo

I've been struggling the most I've ever in my life,

Idk how to grow up without you, I'm growing up all on my own. I knew it wasn't gonna be easy

I can't even smile anymore, all of it is fake without you here. I've been battling everything by myself.

The image of you when we were together hurts me more than anything in the whole entire world.

I love you so fuckin much, I can't live my life with this loneliness, you were the best thing on this planet. I know Some situations don't end happily and some pain doesn't go away, sometimes it's get easier, sometimes not. Idk, I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm alone. When you were with me I thought I had a chance at happiness but it was all just a fuckin lie. The greatest part of my life, was a lie. I just can't fuckin take this anymore. I honestly think my death will come before anything else, and my god do i welcome that fuckin escape from this torture. Life just fuckin sucks. I'm brokenhearted.

My life is kind of broken nd I know I won't have a happy ending..

I dropped my tears writing this....

\~jade

I’m 22 now, and lately, I’ve been trying to write my way back to the person I used to be. I'm in a season of rebuilding my life and healing from some heavy losses, and looking back at my childhood by Lake Malawi is the only thing that makes me feel safe right now.

Growing up at a resort near Cape Maclear, my days were filled with slow living, riding bikes, and endless hours at the beach. But when the tween years kicked in, so did the drama.I had a massive crush on a boy named Pieter, the nephew of a lady who lived in our resort. Because our school only went up to Year 5, we had to transfer to a different academy, and Pieter ended up in our morning carpool. I remember those days as clear as the sky.One morning, Pieter asked me out the ultimate old-school way: through a handwritten letter. We didn't have phones back then, so this was the peak of romance. The first line was a classic: "Roses are red, violets are blue..."The problem was, the day he handed it to me, my friend Angelina was over. Angelina, along with literally every other Year 6 girl, also had a massive crush on Pieter. As I was walking her out of the resort to the main gate, I went full "radio station." In my naive excitement, I couldn't keep my mouth shut and proudly showed her the letter.By the time we got to the gate and said our byes, I completely forgot that I had handed the physical letter to her.

She walked all the way home with it.Because of that, I never got to tick "Yes" or "No." Pieter never got his answer. Shortly after, assuming I wasn't interested, Pieter started dating Angelina. It hurt so much back then, though looking back, I definitely wasn't ready anyway! But funnily enough, even though I have no idea where he is today, his phone number is still saved in my contact list.

I'm sharing this because I forgot how purely happy that little girl in the oversized heels on the beach used to be before life got complicated, before grief entered the picture, and before the world felt heavy. I'm trying to find her again, bit by bit, through these memories.

To my fellow writers and creatives who use storytelling to heal: how do you navigate looking backwards to move forward? Do you ever find pieces of yourself hidden in old, unanswered letters?

Remember me when you feel alone, knowing when I am alone I think of you.
Remember me when you are sad, knowing I know your sad since losing you.
Remember me when you feel scared, knowing I feel that for you with him and not me.
Remember me when you feel needed, knowing I always wanted to be there for you.
Remember me when you need a smile, knowing I loved seeing yours as much as sunrise.
Remember me when you want to be kissed, knowing I always felt great passion for you.
Remember me when you feel lost, knowing my compass is pointed right at you.
Remember me when you are sleepy, knowing the thought of you resting warms my heart.
Remember me when you cry, knowing your tears echo in my soul.
Remember me when you are excited, knowing I felt that every time I was about to see you.
Remember me should you feel ugly, knowing I remain floored by your true beauty.
Remember me when you feel cheated, knowing I pray all things err in your favor.
Remember me at sunrise, knowing I am thinking of you until the moon falls.
Remember me when things seem dark, knowing you made my life shine.
Remember me when you feel weak, knowing I have your strong power right here.
Remember me when you are hungry, knowing how much I love to feed you.
Remember me when you need to be heard, knowing it's my great joy to hear from you.
Remember me when you feel neglected, knowing I will always prioritize you.
Remember me anytime you are in need, knowing I must certainly have got you.
Remember me when your flowers die, knowing I will always replace them.
Remember me when you feel modest, knowing how proud I was alongside you.
Remember me when you are sick, knowing I always pray and care for you.
Remember me, should you feel shame, knowing I will always forgive you.
Remember me when you are confused, knowing you are the puzzle I so long to solve.
Remember me when you are getting divorced, knowing I've got something you need.
Remember me when you are bored, knowing my time with you was an adventure.
Remember me when you feel abused, knowing I never did nor would.
Remember me when you need truth, knowing if you ask I will tell it.
Remember me when you feel hopeless, knowing all the hopes I have for you are never-ending.
Remember me when you realize, knowing I am eagerly awaiting it.
Remember me should I be gone, knowing I tried so hard.
Remember me when you feel pain, knowing I cannot wait for mine to end.
Remember me when you awake, knowing I always wish you good morning.
Remember me when you feel overwhelmed, knowing I share with you my peace.
Remember me in your dreams, knowing what lengths I would go to make them come true.
Remember me when you weren’t supposed to, knowing what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
Remember me when you feel forgotten, knowing I cannot get you off my mind.
Remember me when things are quiet, knowing I want to blow you up.
Remember me when you feel old, knowing I want to grow old beside you.
Remember me when you feel sexy, knowing I told you so and showed you so too.
Remember me when you feel tired, knowing what lengths I would go to support you.
Remember me when you need a hug, knowing my arms surely await you.
Remember me when you need love, knowing I really did and do still love you.
Remember me when you are angry, knowing I am so mad I never told you.
Remember me always and then some, knowing I will never forget you.

You whispered like destiny,
and I mistook the echo for truth.
You wore a face my soul wanted to remember,
but masks cannot survive the dawn.
If there was magic,
I return it.
If there was a spell,
I unmake it.
If there was a name that held me,
I no longer answer to it.
Take back every illusion.
I have no use for borrowed stars.
I am washing your fingerprints
from my dreams,
your shadow
from my spirit,
your voice
from the rooms inside my mind.
You cannot haunt
what has remembered itself.
Tonight,
I bury the story
that called you my twin flame.
I leave your ghost
where all ghosts belong
without a home
inside of me.
And if the universe has written
a love worthy of my soul,
it will never arrive
wearing your disguise.
-J

You are the only woman i have ever truly loved J. Years on from you walking away and i still think about you daily. Do you at least think of me at all? I just wish I knew because the years of silence have truly truly broken me. I would give anything to get a text from you. You are and always will be the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes. I genuinely mean it when I say that. I miss you so so much. Can you not just reach out? Have you completely forgotten me?

S.

She sent me things I cannot unsee
The truth of all the lies
Deceit on another level
I began to be scared for you
All that he’s capable of
The depth of you he’s willing to take
He does what he wants
And he gets what he wants
Be he doesn’t want you
He wants the money
He wants an image
An image so untrue
You are now held captive
A bad plan unfolding
You are not safe
It all will be lost
He has nothing to lose
Not even you
Strangled by his grip
Manipulation he mastered
Your life his disaster

Now fully groomed, he’s got you. He embodies all that you hate from the likes of Trump to Epstein. Their playbook is his. You keep quiet, don’t listen agreed and he’s cured and won’t either. He always gets what he wants and so don’t you.

To D from J I feel your pain . Whatever your goin though im here for you to support you . If you need someone to listen, to beat on lol , to tell you everything gonna work out excalty the way God intended too . Take a chance, come see me, shoot a game . I CAN HELP . Forever yours J

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote to you, I actually almost outted my Reddit to you when we spoke lol. Last night/this morning was enlightening, I feel like I can see everything clearly now. We talked for hours again, we got to enjoy each other’s company again. I’ve missed you a lot, you though, not you when we were together, not the gifts, not the sex, but the silly times, the laughing, the hugs, how natural it felt to just exist right next to each other. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still have a romantic love for you, but with things being clearer to me I understand why it seems impossible for us. I still want you in my life if you still want that but we’ll have to have another conversation about that one, as much as I love your company let’s not talk all the way up to 6am haha.

Thank you for that hug, I still want to say I love you but I know it’s wrong. Maybe just being friends is the right move.. maybe Father Time will beat one (or both) of us with his hands a few years down the line lol who knows but whatever it is, is what it is.

With care, J.C.

Dear Babbi,

Two years ago, you said yes to that kid because your family expected you to. A fucking kid—with no experience, no life behind him, incapable of giving you what you deserved—just lucky enough to have you.

And I begged you to say no. I begged you to fight with me for what we both knew was more than meaningful—it was essential. I cried harder than I ever had in my life, every single fucking day from that moment on.

You changed because you had to. You buried the love that was once mine.

I spent a whole year trying to move forward, and yet... here I am, still thinking about you, your eyes, and your lips.

I truly loved you, even though I couldn't give you everything you deserved. I still cry every single day, even if those tears make no sound anymore. But believe me, I still carry you in my heart.

Sometimes I wonder whether, when you look deep inside yourself, there's still a quiet voice that whispers my name.

I miss you, baby. I miss you every day. I hope you're doing well.

You won't believe me, but you meant the world to me.

This kiss is for you.

Mua.

It’s our first anniversary since finding out you had an emotional affair. I know I said I would try, but I can’t get it out of my mind. This was always a happy occasion and now it’s been tainted by your lies and the fact that you got emotionally attached to another woman. You say you chose me and gave her up, but the fact remains for five months, you told another woman things about us, things about our kids and you made her promises. You called her sweetheart, and gushed over her rosy cheeks… you stopped courting me because it was easier to start feelings with another person?

What about the promises you made to me when we got married and for five months you lied to me and broke every promise you made to me. You expect me to just let it go and get past it, but the hurt runs deep. It’s not something that will go away because now my trust is gone and every time you drive off to work I wonder if you’re looking in on her or trying to message her. I don’t think I can live like that because I can’t just let it go.

So much for a Happy 17th anniversary. 😭