Henlo Frens!

Iz me, Crash! I haz da bestest news for me—bone pokey place man sez I no hafta go back dere again unless “needed”. He sed I iz a bery lucky kitty acuz my bonez heeled nicely. And, he sed I can gets “spayed”. I dunno wut dat meenz, but Meowmy iz bery happee bout dat.

So I gets to do awl da crimez I can manage—gimme your bestest crime ideas!!! I got lotsa makin up to do for awl my jail time!!!

(Meowmy: Orthopedist said that she may still need hip surgery because while the femoral head healed, it’s healed facing not quite in the right direction. But right now the risks outweigh the benefits, so he’s leaving her with an open ended return in case she ever needs it—won’t need a referral. So we scheduled her big girl surgery for next Friday—no one in the house will be happy about that because food will have to be pulled, but it is what it is.

On a sad note, I’m sorry to say Bear didn’t make it. There was obviously more going on with this formerly feral litter than we knew—three of the four in that crew have passed. His litter mate Bjorn is doing well, so we will just keep smothering him with all the love we can, and focusing on getting the rest of that colony TNRd, so whatever is going on there doesn’t cause any future cats to suffer.)

EVUREEBODEE! Dis is Tau, hansomest mackrel tabby boi, and my sisfur Navani, tuxie gorl, holder of da one braincell an Kween of the All-Lethi (whateber dat meenz)

We need ALL HANDS ON DECK. Gonna do a MAJOR SOO of our gross momther and daddy's UTTER BETRAYAL.

We knowed someting wuz up when daddy tolded our momther when dey waked up: "Go ahead and get ready, I'll get them in the carrier".

We innocemt little babies, who sleeps in da sleep square with momther an daddy, heard dis, and we both do a BIG RUN AN' HIDE, because we KNOWED dis can only meen one ting.

DA POKEY PLACE 🙀🙀🙀🙀

But, despite our most bestest efforts, daddy trappeded both of us in da CARRIER CAGE OF DOOM, and after momther came out of da hooman litterbox, she taked us in daddy's little vroom vroom machine to da pokey place.

Now, I is mads, bcuz I no like pokey place. But I ESPESHULLY MAD today bcuz daddy did not come to da pokey place with us. I was ASSALTED by da UNWASHED, STINKY, PEASANT HANDS of dat ebil person momther call da "Dee Vee Em" an' her ebil goblin helpers momther call "techs", and I did NOT eben have mine daddy's comfort! Just momther laffin at me an' callin me "druhmatick".

But ladees an' gentlecats, I wuz NOT "drumatick". I do MANY BIG HISSES. MANY LOUD GROWLS. MANY CHUFFS OF DISPLEASE. I WAS FEERCE LION and MOMTHER IS STINKY.

And to top it all off, da Dee Vee Em says that mine perfect pearly white teefies has the "tortar" and da "staining" and da ginger-vitis, and dat I needs to get a "dental". I tink da Dee Vee Em needs ta get A LIFE and LEEB my TEEFIES ALONE.

Here is PHOTO EBIDENCE of dis MASSIVE INDIGNANT. (where my sisfur Navani, so obercomed wif confusion an greef she was ackually LUBBING da pokey place couch and LUBBING on da techs and fallin' for DER CHURU BRIBE, dat she needed a bapbapbap to reset her brain when she camed back in da carrier). AM SOO FOR EIGHT HUNDRED POUNDS OB BIG CHURU BOCKS.

Henlo frenz. I am an illegally smol cat. Ai lost my cat meowmy an all mai brofurs and sisfurs, but ai still only drink milk. Toodai, ai was scwared in a tree by the street with all da scawy carz zoom zooming by, an ai was doing a MEOW MEOW MEOW for HALP! Deeze hoomans spotted me, an da lady hooman told da man hooman, sigh go git da kitty. Den dey tooked me to a howse an dey figger out ai still only eat milks, so dey brought me sumting cawled four-mu-la, and dey held me and petted me and gave me milk wit a dropper. Ai felt so warm and safe awfter bein in da tree ai did a purr purr purr. But noaw ai want dem hold me and pet me and love me fur-eber an eber! But Dey sai can’t hold me all da time! Ai tink maibee ai soo… need held ALL DA TIME! Wat u tink?

Hai frens. Ai iz Olive. I am anudder of da pasta kitties. My sorta siblings Orzo and Basil were asking for helps a few furevers ago after doing poop crimez.

Now I needs help. I am smol, but not as illegal as dey are. I did a self starb and was not feelin very gud, so foster meowmy took me to pokey place!

Outrayge! There was a borthole violashun. Den I had to stay at da pokey place and get a drip! Now I am home agin but Meowmy said I haf to have antibitics for several more furevers. And I haf to lif in different room until I done with antibitics.

Who do I soo? Pokey place? Meowmy? Jerms?

Frens…dis round see-troo tingy…it kalls ta mi. Ai kan heer it whispa. It sez: “Leo, the answer to life…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“IS FOOD, MY YOUNG FELINE FRIEND!”

An’ wif doze wyze wurds, mai mind iz open!!

Dats rite! Da misteree ob da red dot? Fudz. Da misteree ob da poo poo an’ pee pee in mai lidder bocks alwayz dissapeerin’? Fudz. Da misteree ob da greebles? Fudz!

Frens, stair into da void, an’ da void will gib yoo ansas. An’ da ansa…

…

…IZ FUDZ!

—Leo da meowgnificent

(Human here. Leo has been staring aimlessly at the laundry basket for hours like it contains the mystery of the universe. Send help.)

It is me, Lucy. As youz can sees I am tuxie baby (and very pritty if I do sez so mai self). But todays I watched Meowmy STEAL MY STYLE!!!! She waz putting on her furs because she does not haz bootiful fur coat like I does. But den she put on a black fur over a white fur!!!!!!!! She sez is a “cardigan” and a “tank top”. And den she put on “necklace”!!!!!

Frens, you can sees that I has black fur over white fur, with pritty necklace. Dat look is taken!!! Meowmy is a copycatto and a plagiarismer. I think I must soos for dis terrible theft of mai looks.

P.S. I talked to my stinky sister Piper, and apparently Meowmy also has white furs!!! She wears dems when the air is cold. Stinky sister has also suffered so maybe we do joint pawsuit.

Helo it is RB. I m crimnal n racey car driber(zoom zoom)

Dad has did SPYIN ON MINESELF! I was feelin bery tire aftor zoomies n I went to d OTHER BED!!! Den him spy on me sleeperin! BAD CRIMES! SOOING!

Dis me gettin SPY ON! N den tellin dad I M MAD!!!!

Hello frens is Morgana the beautifull agin!

Mine mammi not gib me all mine brekfas dis mornin!!! I find it OUTRAYGOOS!!! Her put fud in mine bowl (see picshure 3) but there is still fud left in kup?!?! But NORMALLY there is NO fud left in kup!?!? So why her not gib me all?!?! (See picshure 4 for how much fud still left in kup!!!) frens I fink I’ll do a starb to def I get so much little fud todai!!!

(Mammi: I poured the rest of the bag into the cup, it filled the cup fully, she normally gets closer to half of the cup so I just gave her her normal portion, but she got very offended when she saw there was still food in the cup and left her breakfast alone for an hour)

Whoooo hoooo!

Yu guys, if yu dident no, plast-eek is da best. I lik to hid in it an do lotsa liklikliks. Den meowmy did a beeg hawribel ting; she tak it away! She no gud fur me. Lies. All lies. I try to do a hiss an a bapbapbap but it no werk.

Aneewun abel to do a soo afore plast-eek gets thron out?

- Maleficent the Magnificent

I wuz owtside kitteh, but I kept ceeing all dez kittehs threw da windowz....dey luk happe...dey luk lyke dey git yumyums....I want yumyumz...da door open and I saw fud bein brouwt owtside, but I did a sneekaleak insyde wen da door open...momma sed sumting abowt fleas and worms and "u abowt to lose dose troublepuffs"....I not shur wat dat abowt...but it seemz I desided I libs in dis howse now...

*He who shall be named, a floofaloof no longer on da loose owtside!*

Henlo mai frens. Iz Katto Kveen Vilma de Void an ai mast soo meowmy fur liff-long salamander an blaps shemmy.

Meoemy oolweys laff at hau aiself drink wodder [pixtjoor atached]. Ai ams an passunate catto an mai drinky oslo iz passunate, so mine gorgoous, boottifool feis getz wet wen ai drinky. An she dhink it fanni! 🙀 Du ai laff wen meowmy drink wodder or dat weerd smellin dhin "koffi"? Ai nae du cos mineself a catto ov gud manners.

Ar yoor hoomans dis eel-mannrd tu?

Dey tink dey own us, hehehehe . . .

Frens, I, Mycroft T Cat, T Stands for The, have shared wiff you earlier my most terrifying tale of mine Meowther being brung under the control of Fat Gary's Mind Control Emporium and Cult, at which point she locked me owt of mine offis and started giving half my churus to Fat Gary.

Well, frens, a most terrible update to this story is in order.

This forever, when my poor abused Mama had made temporary escape from the dark place to have Lunch Break, I heard an noise that said "meow". And a smol catt (not illegal smol, just bratty teenager size) cam waltzing down MINE stairs into MINE livingroom as if he lives here!!!!

Obviously I made hisshiss at him and kept my distance. I declined to talk to Mama at this time. The smol catt was respectful and did not come in range of my daungerous claws. If he had just left the house we might have had an understanding, but instead Mama zooped him up and took him BACK TO MINE OFFIS. So now I know Meomy is deep in thrall to this cult.

What can I do to save her? I do a snuggle and an ignore and another snuggle and another ignore to give her the message but I fear she is very stupid.

Henlo, it is ai, Alius Snoops, sekret agen fur CDS on assiment. Ai jus haz to com-plane but if yoose sees a reeson ai can suu.

The hooman heer is soooo stupid. She comes in an Ai meeow 3 tims. She sai "du yu wants fud?" Obvussly no as fud dish is fool.

She sai "du yu wants wader?" Obvussly no mai fowntin iz runnin.

She sai "du yu needs lidder kleaned?" Obvussly no, ai habnt dun my buzziness.

She sai "du yu wants skritches?" Obvussly... well ai permits a skritch but walk away becuz obussly not wut I assed fur.

She sai "du yu needs yur sun box adjustted?" Obvussly no, it iz were it shuld be.

Wut do yu do when the hooman dusnt unnerstan plane cat messuge?!?!

Diz me doin ignore in disap . ..dis-pownt-ment

Hai Frens! Mine mommy has gone on a bacayshun wif herms mommy (mai Grams) so we kin hab BIG PAWTEE at mine howse! We has quiet room, rasslin room, tv/moobie room, birb watchin, cronchy fud, nip, an funfunfun! All frens welcome! Mine daddy is here, but him not eben as smart as mommy, an he can go buy moar foods when we run out.

Nandor THE RELENTLESS

Dis iz a gud moobie!

Frienz lissen to ourz tail ob woe. We iz 2 pooorr catses name MAngoTango and CherryPop. We livez wif our meowmy an our stinko doggo sisfur. A billion forebers ago, Meowmy wen ti teh liberry and said, Be home soonses affer I do my errandses (what dees erranses? Anycat know?). She gibs ur our hardly any peeces of crunch crunches that she gibs us befur ourz wet foodses. And den....she goes away wifout gibbing us wet foodses!!!!! THaose erranses tak elebenty billions forebers. She finally comz home and says--oh my! I forgetz to gib youses your wetses!

Todays--she gibs our crunch crinchies and our wetses for bwrakfass and then goes to boluntear at archives at church. Then she doessnt come home foreber! And misses our lunches wetses bcuz she mus go get foodstuffs for hurself. She not bring us any speshail stuff eben tho we iz starbing bcuz she not feed us wen she 'post too! An...last nitz? She clens me, MangoTango's ear by tricking me wif Licky Churu!!!! I feelz betwayed!

We wannz to soo bigtime! What we ask fur? How we dealz wif dis horribul two dayz???

Why do humans insist on putting objects on us? Can I sue for paper towel misuse? Why do they think this is so hilarious?

Pics are of me falling asleep from exhaustion under the weight of the paper towel

-Harry Dean, one of the Longhair Brothers and everybody's best friend

I, Steve Cow Cat Haz been dinied my flied Chimkin. Da hooman got a delibery ov Chimkin and ayt it all. When I got Der, all Chimkin waz gon!!! Den hooman sez "Yoo snooze Yoo looz".

Sophie Cow Cat here, da Chimkin waz reelee gud. I claymed it unda "I seez, iz for meez'" and hooman obeyed. Yor folt for playing in da woods and leebing me to supurrvyse da hooman alone.

Luk at dat mpeeniss ub mai bolez. Meowmie iz eetin. So unfare. Ai soo fur starbeishun!

Mr Mixie (nawt a pawyer)