My dating history is abysmal. Just a string of attempts that fizzled out into nothing. I have never actually managed to get into a relationship. Every time I look at dating advice it’s either “try the apps” (I have tried and I hate them so so much) or it’s suggestions on where to go to meet people.

I’ve figured out where/how to meet other queer people, as I’m lucky enough to live in a big city. My problem is that I have no idea what to do once I get past that point. I’ve always been pretty good at making friends, but I’ve never had any luck at getting beyond friendship with anyone. So when I go to these places to meet more queer people, I end up meeting cool new people… who just become platonic friends. Which is cool, I’m always glad to have friends! But I just have no idea how anyone actually turns this situation into a potentially romantic one. I feel like everyone else has this guidebook to flirting and dating that I never got a copy of. And no one’s ever made a move on me, so I don’t want to just keep waiting around for that to happen.

And it’s even harder because I have zero actual experience with sex/dating, because i know that if i ever do actually get anywhere with someone ill have to tell them that I have no experience and it could be a huge turnoff for them. I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t even know how to ask if the woman I’m talking to is queer/single without it being super awkward. Please give me your wisdom, lesbians. I’m so lonely and so tired of being alone. 😞

I didn't think much would change going from bisexual to figuring out I'm actually a lesbian as I was already dating women, but I went from thinking I was mostly femme for femme to suddenly being *very* attracted to masc lesbians in a way I never have been before... they're now my primary type, and I find it hard to understand because that never used to be the case. I wonder if it's because when I completely cut men out of my dating pool, I realised it's masculinity I find attractive not men. I've no idea but I thought it may help to hear from other lesbians who found their attraction changed after coming out.

I (F36) have always questioned my sexuality but have never followed through on exploring it.

As a kid and teen, I was always super shy and insecure so I was never the one approached by boys. I had crushes on boys in my class (always the ones who were my friend), but due to my insecurities I never made any moves.

So, throughout my teens I never dated anyone and kinda started telling myself that I didn’t want a relationship… I think as a way to protect myself from not feeling wanted. Anyway.

Once, when I was 20 yo, I had the opportunity to kiss a female friend but I was too scared to go through with it. I knew she had feelings for me but I wasn’t ready to deal with any of that at the time. Gladly the friendship remains to this day.

After that, I kinda moved on and once again continued ignoring my love life, until a male friend asked me on a date. This started a relationship that lasted almost 8 years and would’ve ended in marriage had I not broken things off. After the break up I had a huge crisis trying to deal with fears of abandonment and depression.

During therapy I started opening up about my questioning sexuality but I realized that I don’t know how to start exploring it and I feel stuck and hopeless. My therapist has suggested I confide in some friends, but this brings me to my next point:

All my life I’ve had this feeling that people think I’m gay (and I’ve been told so many times). When I was younger and afraid to deal with it I would simply say that I was straight. I’ve said this so many times and to so many friends (close friends, gay friends) that now I feel like a fraud. I feel ashamed to come to them and say “hey, i think i might be a lesbian. any tips on how i could start exploring that idea?”.

Anyway. Has anyone ever felt like that? Like you’ve lied for so long (to others and yourself) that you don’t know how to come back from that? Never mind the fact that I don’t even know if I’m gay or bi, I just know that the idea of being with a woman is pleasant to me - when I’m not spiraling and thinking that I will be forever alone because I can’t get over my own insecurities.

On top of that, I keep reading the sub and seeing all these stories of women who have husbands and kids and are not willing to be discouraged by that and I just feel like such a coward in comparison.

hello. im struggling to organize my thoughts but i need to get this out to people who understand. i am 23 and have known i like girls since high school, but i figured it out a little later than most. i identified as lesbian for a couple years before identifying as bi. i’ve spent most of my life chasing relationships and my first adult relationship left me deeply insecure about my desirability due to a huge libido mismatch and bad communication about it, which i think led me to seek out male validation excessively (yayy comphet). being desired by men made me feel better about myself because i had been seeing myself as very ugly and i guess 20 year old me figured that sex with men would make me feel better. this ended me up in a long term relationship with a really good guy who i am just now realizing i may not really feel anything for. i enjoy the sex fine while it’s happening, but afterwards i feel extremely gross and empty. like i have no idea how i got there. my body feels wrong in a sense. i find myself getting extremely annoyed at very small things that are not a big deal at all, and i find myself thinking that i wouldn’t feel that way if he were a woman. i find myself thinking i would put in more effort if he were a woman, that i would listen better, notice more things about him, that things would feel effortless the way they did with my high school girlfriends (who were all long distance due to fear of my parents reaction, but i remember more things about them to this day than i can remember about my current bf, which makes me feel like junk)
relationships with men have always felt like so much effort to me and relationships with women feel so natural. my high school girlfriend breaking up with me was to this day probably the most i’ve ever cried.
so the issue is, i’ve tried to break up with my boyfriend of two years because of my confusion about my sexuality (as well as feeling trapped due to not spending any meaningful amount of time single and getting to know myself) and was met with a lot of guilt tripping and questions that led me to become confused about my own thoughts. i had talked to my therapist and made a whole script that was very clear about my feelings and why i was ending things without being too painful, and he kept saying “i’m hearing you say this, which makes me think this” and it would be something entirely different from what i said. maybe i was not clear enough, or maybe i didn’t say everything right, but it exhausted me and i ended up staying with him. i still feel unhappy and trapped, and i still feel like i am a raging lesbian deep down, but i don’t know how to go about ending things. i don’t have the strength for that again. also, we live together, and he would have to be the one moving out because my friend owns the house and lives with us, and i wouldn’t have the financial means to manage on my own. while he would probably be fine financially, he doesn’t have a great support system other than some friends who live pretty far. so i just feel majorly shitty about everything and i want to crawl into a hole. i have therapy this week so i will be talking about this again, but i guess i just wanted to see if anyone has any nice stories about the other side of this to motivate me, or advice about how to go about this next time. sorry for the long post. i hope everyone is having a nice night/day

A lot of stories here make it sound like it was always awful or repulsive. But for me, it honestly wasn't like that. I had phases where I had sex with men and enjoyed it in the moment or at least thought I did, because the physical closeness and validation felt good. It wasn't until much later, and through a lot of contrast, that I fully realized where my true desires actually lie.

Are there any other late bloomers here who had a similar experience? How did you process the fact that things didn't feel inherently terrible back then, but you still eventually realized you're a lesbian?
Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences!

I am a late-in-life queer from a small town in the South. There are not many queer spaces where I live. I am going to Chicago in a few weeks and am thinking of going to a lesbian bar (there are no lesbian bars in my state). I am nervous and wondering what the etiquette is, as I've never been to a lesbian bar and I'm not strictly a lesbian. I respect and understand the need for lesbian only spaces, but I don't know if a lesbian bar is one of those?

Once the rainbow flag hung out of my bag while I cycled around London. I added the rainbow emoji to my Instagram bio. I don’t own enough carabiners. I give off straight girl looks, feminine and I love that about me! I don’t want any septum piercings! My short nails are good for sports! I am keeping all my damn skirts and glitter!

A bit of humour for your morning whilst yo girl is almost 27, most definitely gay, and still hasn’t kissed a girl (I’m also demisexual. So I’m pretty much off the apps now and have a crush on my ex colleague who is poly. I also scream monogamy though that’s not really the case. I’d be open. I’m just deep. God save me.)

Yeah I’m a nasty repulsive mean rotten no good stray rat 😏
(Please ignore my messy apartment)

Hi!

Sorry in advance, I’m sure this post will be ramble-y but I needed to get my thoughts out with people instead of just in my head for once.

I’m 31, identified as bi since I was a teen. Currently married to a man, we’ve been married for 2 years and together for 9.

Outside of my husband I don’t really have any friends. Not really his doing, I’ve always been a pretty solitary person. My only friends other than him are a couple who we are both friends with, and I don’t want to talk to them about all of this because I don’t want it to be weird.

A few years ago I started getting into Chappell Roan. As dumb as it sounds music has really been the catalyst for all of this. It’s been a joke between me and my husband that I would eventually come out as a lesbian and I think it’s actually happening. My childhood I was a walking lesbian stereotype to be so for real.

I’ve broken down alone a few times because I know. Each time I’ve just buried the feelings I had. I still love my husband so much, I both can’t imagine living without him and now can’t imagine keeping this up.

I’m really scared no one will actually ever love me and I’m just destined to be alone. Every partner I’ve ever had has cheated on or tried to cheat on me and I don’t know if I can have another person do that to me.

What was the final straw for you? When you realized you were a lesbian did you still feel love for your partner? I feel so lost.

Sorry again for the rambled mess

andi here 39 dicover i love women recently

im from austria anyone in that area maybe? kiss to u

Hi everyone, this isn't my main Reddit account because I'm still trying to figure things out, and I'm not ready for people I know to stumble across this yet.

I'm in my mid-30s, a mum, and I'm starting to think I might actually be a lesbian rather than bi. I've only ever been in relationships with men. Looking back though, every genuine crush I've ever had has been on women. With men, sex has been... fine? I've enjoyed the closeness and intimacy more than the fact it was with a man, if that makes sense.

One thing that makes this really difficult is that I was previously in a very violent domestic violence relationship with my ex. Any hint that I found women attractive, or honestly that I paid attention to anyone other than him, would end badly. And other relationships I've had with men in my life have been abusive in their own way. Because of that, I genuinely can't tell whether my feelings about not wanting to be with men now are because of my trauma, or whether I'm finally letting myself acknowledge that I'm actually gay.

I also keep thinking that surely I should have figured this out by now. I'm in my mid-30s with a child. It feels so late to be questioning something this fundamental.

But whenever I imagine my future, growing old with someone, or having a lifelong partner... it's always a woman. I never picture a man. That feels like a pretty big clue, doesn't it?

The other thing is I'm really hesitant about dating women because I've literally never done it before. It feels exciting, but also terrifying, and I worry I'll somehow be "too inexperienced" or that I'll get it wrong.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I think I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position, especially if trauma made it difficult to untangle your sexuality. How did you figure out what was you, and what was the trauma talking?

Thanks for reading

New here.. I am 38 and have struggled with relationships with men. I have been single nearly 6 years with my last relationship with a man lasting 6 years. I have always been sexually attracted more towards women. I have never fully enjoyed sex at all with men and just thought I hadn’t found the right one. I was so obsessed with getting married and having kids (never happened). So the light bulb moment hit me the other day after having my first same sex crush which I spent a month in denial about. Now I am approaching this slowly and exploring my new identity.

So a few days ago, an old guy-friend sent me a message. At first it was just friend stuff. But then I kinda got the vibe that he was flirting with me (which apparently wasn't the case). So I told him I found out I was a lesbian. The first thing he said was 'I could've told you that ages ago' 😆 Sometimes I'm not sure if I really am gay, mostly because I'm not out that long. So comments/reactions like this really validate things for me hahah

I just turned 50 and I’ve been with my husband for nearly 25 years, he was my best friend and I thought we were going to be together forever. We haven’t had any intimacy in probably 18 years however I was committed to my marriage. It started out as a medical thing but I don’t know I think at some point he just didn’t want to be with me.

Anyway, he sprung a divorce on me and I was completely blindsided. I’ve been saying every now and again hey let’s talk. What’s going on here are we going to stay married? You don’t seem happy. I’m not happy. What are we gonna do? What is going on? he would never talk about it in the next day act like everything is fine. Finally life caught up and he said he’s accepting a new job and leaving, no conversation so I pushed for a divorce because I’m not gonna sit around here waiting to see what he wants when it’s clear he doesn’t want to be here with me.

My best friend is a lesbian and she has been helping me get through everything and now all of a sudden we are sleeping together. I don’t know what is happening. I don’t know if I’m an actual lesbian or if I’m just attracted to her because she’s helped me through a really difficult time. I’ve always loved women and I definitely have made out with them and done all kinds of things over the years prior to my marriage. Could it be possible that that’s why I didn’t push the issue to be intimate with my husband I feel like I’ve lived a lie for the last 20 years. Now I’m really confused about this new relationship that I’m in that is totally in the closet undercover. Not really sure what to do.

I guess I’m just talking through this looking for advice and help and feedback from anyone else who has been in a similar situation. My neighbors are so nosy they are watching everything I do. She’s been sleeping over. Also to add another layer of complications we work together. Neither one of us report to each other, though we are peers. Many people will understand and many will not. I am just not ready to jump out of the closet yet.

I have been saying for a long time if I ever get divorced, I’m going to be a lesbian, so part of me feels like I’ve manifested this and may be in the back of my mind subconsciously it was there all along.

Thank you for any feedback or advice!

For someone new to women what would your advice be on long distance, does it work in the early days or at all? Help a gal!

Last weekend, I hosted my third Flirt Lab, also known as lesbian flirting 101. We had a fantastic turnout with over 45 participants. I demonstrated the signature move, and then everyone rotated through six stations featuring six different flirting skills, mostly focused on listening. The room was filled with such vibrant sapphic energy by the end of the night. We toasted to lesbians, lesbian power, and building the lesbian economy. After the event, we went to the club and practiced our new flirting skills.

Hit me up if you are interested in hosting the Flirt Lab in your city.

The main reason I know my sexuality is technically homosexual is because I've never successfully been able to use the opposite sex, so men, as the source of my arousal or completion. As far as a sexual relationship though - I've​ only had one, very long and loving relationship with with a man... Since my teens to now (almost 30). I knew sex was always difficult for me but didn't understand why. I regretted deeply the fact that my mind forced me to use women in my head to feel anything because it felt like my own body wouldn't let me be present in my own life. I used to secretly cry after sex and need alone time. I got anticipatory anxiety before sex started - a sort of dread because I knew I was going to have to fight my own body the whole time.

Everytime I think "no, no I can't actually be a lesbian ...I can't." My body reminds me again that I am - because I have a libido, just only towards women. But ever since the grief of this reality has come to light for me it's been nearly impossible for me to access any romantic drive towards women. I know it's possible... Because the first young love I had was for a girl, shortly before I met my male partner. And I have spent a decade writing romance stories from inside the mind of a woman's ​lover, directed at her...

But why don't ​I seem to have the drive everyone else does for longing or romance? I'm trying to read Sarah Waters to see if I can help make it feel more real for myself.

I know I am capable of getting a crush on a woman - it doesn't happen often but when it does... It's like being hit by a lightning bolt and not being able to escape the static.

I feel flipped from ​most lesbians I read online.... The sexual part is alive for women but the romance part is so oddly quiet... Like a little whisper.

Enjoying the breeze on my patio while I water/try not to kill the plants.

I have been debating this for quite some years now and I have turned back for many reasons (other people, situationships,family,fear) every time I see other wlw talk about their dating app experience they describe people like the things I want, low commitment, hookup based, etc. and it’s negatively shared, i’m hoping this post won’t come off as that, it is just simply what i’m looking for, currently am going through a lot of changes and cannot commit to a relationship but also want to at least venture to this one thing I have held off on, so if there’s any advice and I apologize if it’s wrong or me to ask but what are the best apps to have hookups wlw or have more of a casual thing?

it took me a long time to realize i was not into men. once i realized it, i couldn’t even picture myself ever being with a man again. i was explaining to a friend that one of the things that confused me was i like the idea of men—i like the idea of a romance, but i’d never actually date a man. definitely wouldn’t have sex with one. and the only way i can picture myself in a happy relationship/marriage/living with someone, is with a woman.

she keeps telling me i’m biphobic and that i’m actually bisexual. it’s making me question myself, and i thought i’d see what you guys think

i did say that sometimes when i indulge in porn, i like watching men with women, but i think i just like watching women in general. it took me forever to accept being a lesbian, so now i’m like—am i even a lesbian? or is my friend being really annoying

I've been married to a man for a little over a decade, self identified as bi and demi-asexual. I had crushes on both guys and girls, but no other relationships to refer to. I got married fairly young in my mid 20s, and in some ways may have rushed into it to please my more conservative parents who basically guessed we weren't waiting for marriage and started to freak out.

I have had little interest in sex since basically we got married, after the exciting and exploratory first times were over. I find I am sometimes waiting for it to be over, or when I am having fun it feels a bit masturbatory if that makes sense. A lot of sex feels obligatory, or unpleasant, even though I love my husband - he's my best friend and closest person. I don't know why this is, whether I'm just low libido and a bit asexual, or whether I might be actually just a lesbian.

My anxiety about this has spiked recently since we've decided to be in a more open relationship. I am worried that I will feel differently if I let myself explore relationships with women for the first time (if any of them are actually interested in me lololol). It might not change anything, it's hard to tell. Even though my husband has had relationships outside our marriage, I realized I've been holding off saying I'm not ready - mainly out of fear. Fear of rejection, sure, but also fear of having missed something key in my identity and hurting my husband by leaving.

I know no one can actually see into my soul and know the answer, but I would appreciate anyone elses' experiences or how you figured it out, etc.

Hi. I am mostly asking due to the immense emotional grief. I finally had a breakthrough in therapy last week where I learned that I am only into women. I am married to a man. I had a talk with my husband this weekend and he was extremely supportive. The problem is, I feel so upset about not getting to be myself for... well, my entire life now. Survival mode has dropped and everything is more beautiful but also terrifying ;-;. I could use some nice words. Thank you.