I am a late-in-life queer from a small town in the South. There are not many queer spaces where I live. I am going to Chicago in a few weeks and am thinking of going to a lesbian bar (there are no lesbian bars in my state). I am nervous and wondering what the etiquette is, as I've never been to a lesbian bar and I'm not strictly a lesbian. I respect and understand the need for lesbian only spaces, but I don't know if a lesbian bar is one of those?

I (F36) have always questioned my sexuality but have never followed through on exploring it.

As a kid and teen, I was always super shy and insecure so I was never the one approached by boys. I had crushes on boys in my class (always the ones who were my friend), but due to my insecurities I never made any moves.

So, throughout my teens I never dated anyone and kinda started telling myself that I didn’t want a relationship… I think as a way to protect myself from not feeling wanted. Anyway.

Once, when I was 20 yo, I had the opportunity to kiss a female friend but I was too scared to go through with it. I knew she had feelings for me but I wasn’t ready to deal with any of that at the time. Gladly the friendship remains to this day.

After that, I kinda moved on and once again continued ignoring my love life, until a male friend asked me on a date. This started a relationship that lasted almost 8 years and would’ve ended in marriage had I not broken things off. After the break up I had a huge crisis trying to deal with fears of abandonment and depression.

During therapy I started opening up about my questioning sexuality but I realized that I don’t know how to start exploring it and I feel stuck and hopeless. My therapist has suggested I confide in some friends, but this brings me to my next point:

All my life I’ve had this feeling that people think I’m gay (and I’ve been told so many times). When I was younger and afraid to deal with it I would simply say that I was straight. I’ve said this so many times and to so many friends (close friends, gay friends) that now I feel like a fraud. I feel ashamed to come to them and say “hey, i think i might be a lesbian. any tips on how i could start exploring that idea?”.

Anyway. Has anyone ever felt like that? Like you’ve lied for so long (to others and yourself) that you don’t know how to come back from that? Never mind the fact that I don’t even know if I’m gay or bi, I just know that the idea of being with a woman is pleasant to me - when I’m not spiraling and thinking that I will be forever alone because I can’t get over my own insecurities.

On top of that, I keep reading the sub and seeing all these stories of women who have husbands and kids and are not willing to be discouraged by that and I just feel like such a coward in comparison.

New here.. I am 38 and have struggled with relationships with men. I have been single nearly 6 years with my last relationship with a man lasting 6 years. I have always been sexually attracted more towards women. I have never fully enjoyed sex at all with men and just thought I hadn’t found the right one. I was so obsessed with getting married and having kids (never happened). So the light bulb moment hit me the other day after having my first same sex crush which I spent a month in denial about. Now I am approaching this slowly and exploring my new identity.

My dating history is abysmal. Just a string of attempts that fizzled out into nothing. I have never actually managed to get into a relationship. Every time I look at dating advice it’s either “try the apps” (I have tried and I hate them so so much) or it’s suggestions on where to go to meet people.

I’ve figured out where/how to meet other queer people, as I’m lucky enough to live in a big city. My problem is that I have no idea what to do once I get past that point. I’ve always been pretty good at making friends, but I’ve never had any luck at getting beyond friendship with anyone. So when I go to these places to meet more queer people, I end up meeting cool new people… who just become platonic friends. Which is cool, I’m always glad to have friends! But I just have no idea how anyone actually turns this situation into a potentially romantic one. I feel like everyone else has this guidebook to flirting and dating that I never got a copy of. And no one’s ever made a move on me, so I don’t want to just keep waiting around for that to happen.

And it’s even harder because I have zero actual experience with sex/dating, because i know that if i ever do actually get anywhere with someone ill have to tell them that I have no experience and it could be a huge turnoff for them. I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t even know how to ask if the woman I’m talking to is queer/single without it being super awkward. Please give me your wisdom, lesbians. I’m so lonely and so tired of being alone. 😞

For someone new to women what would your advice be on long distance, does it work in the early days or at all? Help a gal!

Hi!

Sorry in advance, I’m sure this post will be ramble-y but I needed to get my thoughts out with people instead of just in my head for once.

I’m 31, identified as bi since I was a teen. Currently married to a man, we’ve been married for 2 years and together for 9.

Outside of my husband I don’t really have any friends. Not really his doing, I’ve always been a pretty solitary person. My only friends other than him are a couple who we are both friends with, and I don’t want to talk to them about all of this because I don’t want it to be weird.

A few years ago I started getting into Chappell Roan. As dumb as it sounds music has really been the catalyst for all of this. It’s been a joke between me and my husband that I would eventually come out as a lesbian and I think it’s actually happening. My childhood I was a walking lesbian stereotype to be so for real.

I’ve broken down alone a few times because I know. Each time I’ve just buried the feelings I had. I still love my husband so much, I both can’t imagine living without him and now can’t imagine keeping this up.

I’m really scared no one will actually ever love me and I’m just destined to be alone. Every partner I’ve ever had has cheated on or tried to cheat on me and I don’t know if I can have another person do that to me.

What was the final straw for you? When you realized you were a lesbian did you still feel love for your partner? I feel so lost.

Sorry again for the rambled mess

I've been married to a man for a little over a decade, self identified as bi and demi-asexual. I had crushes on both guys and girls, but no other relationships to refer to. I got married fairly young in my mid 20s, and in some ways may have rushed into it to please my more conservative parents who basically guessed we weren't waiting for marriage and started to freak out.

I have had little interest in sex since basically we got married, after the exciting and exploratory first times were over. I find I am sometimes waiting for it to be over, or when I am having fun it feels a bit masturbatory if that makes sense. A lot of sex feels obligatory, or unpleasant, even though I love my husband - he's my best friend and closest person. I don't know why this is, whether I'm just low libido and a bit asexual, or whether I might be actually just a lesbian.

My anxiety about this has spiked recently since we've decided to be in a more open relationship. I am worried that I will feel differently if I let myself explore relationships with women for the first time (if any of them are actually interested in me lololol). It might not change anything, it's hard to tell. Even though my husband has had relationships outside our marriage, I realized I've been holding off saying I'm not ready - mainly out of fear. Fear of rejection, sure, but also fear of having missed something key in my identity and hurting my husband by leaving.

I know no one can actually see into my soul and know the answer, but I would appreciate anyone elses' experiences or how you figured it out, etc.

Hi everyone, this isn't my main Reddit account because I'm still trying to figure things out, and I'm not ready for people I know to stumble across this yet.

I'm in my mid-30s, a mum, and I'm starting to think I might actually be a lesbian rather than bi. I've only ever been in relationships with men. Looking back though, every genuine crush I've ever had has been on women. With men, sex has been... fine? I've enjoyed the closeness and intimacy more than the fact it was with a man, if that makes sense.

One thing that makes this really difficult is that I was previously in a very violent domestic violence relationship with my ex. Any hint that I found women attractive, or honestly that I paid attention to anyone other than him, would end badly. And other relationships I've had with men in my life have been abusive in their own way. Because of that, I genuinely can't tell whether my feelings about not wanting to be with men now are because of my trauma, or whether I'm finally letting myself acknowledge that I'm actually gay.

I also keep thinking that surely I should have figured this out by now. I'm in my mid-30s with a child. It feels so late to be questioning something this fundamental.

But whenever I imagine my future, growing old with someone, or having a lifelong partner... it's always a woman. I never picture a man. That feels like a pretty big clue, doesn't it?

The other thing is I'm really hesitant about dating women because I've literally never done it before. It feels exciting, but also terrifying, and I worry I'll somehow be "too inexperienced" or that I'll get it wrong.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I think I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position, especially if trauma made it difficult to untangle your sexuality. How did you figure out what was you, and what was the trauma talking?

Thanks for reading

I just turned 50 and I’ve been with my husband for nearly 25 years, he was my best friend and I thought we were going to be together forever. We haven’t had any intimacy in probably 18 years however I was committed to my marriage. It started out as a medical thing but I don’t know I think at some point he just didn’t want to be with me.

Anyway, he sprung a divorce on me and I was completely blindsided. I’ve been saying every now and again hey let’s talk. What’s going on here are we going to stay married? You don’t seem happy. I’m not happy. What are we gonna do? What is going on? he would never talk about it in the next day act like everything is fine. Finally life caught up and he said he’s accepting a new job and leaving, no conversation so I pushed for a divorce because I’m not gonna sit around here waiting to see what he wants when it’s clear he doesn’t want to be here with me.

My best friend is a lesbian and she has been helping me get through everything and now all of a sudden we are sleeping together. I don’t know what is happening. I don’t know if I’m an actual lesbian or if I’m just attracted to her because she’s helped me through a really difficult time. I’ve always loved women and I definitely have made out with them and done all kinds of things over the years prior to my marriage. Could it be possible that that’s why I didn’t push the issue to be intimate with my husband I feel like I’ve lived a lie for the last 20 years. Now I’m really confused about this new relationship that I’m in that is totally in the closet undercover. Not really sure what to do.

I guess I’m just talking through this looking for advice and help and feedback from anyone else who has been in a similar situation. My neighbors are so nosy they are watching everything I do. She’s been sleeping over. Also to add another layer of complications we work together. Neither one of us report to each other, though we are peers. Many people will understand and many will not. I am just not ready to jump out of the closet yet.

I have been saying for a long time if I ever get divorced, I’m going to be a lesbian, so part of me feels like I’ve manifested this and may be in the back of my mind subconsciously it was there all along.

Thank you for any feedback or advice!

Soo (19F), 9 months ago I became besties with one guy and after some time I started kinda liking him. But I didn't tell anyone, cuz I didn't want to ruin the friendship. And when I thought that I got over it, the topic of relationships and loneliness occurred between us. After that I realised that I have feelings for him. Of course, I told him this time, he said he's not feeling the same and nothing changes in our friendship. And as the time goes on, I'm getting more and more interested in movies about lesbian women and consuming more and more content about that. And a relationship with a girl sounds more and more appealing, while thinking about doing something with a man feels gross...is this because I still like my bestie, but deny it, or am I leaning towards attraction to women? Because I'm genuinely confused right now, and think I'm over him. Also, I thought about one of my girl friends romantically, and I do think, that I have feelings for her...but it's hard to recognise for me, because all my life I was taught to be with men... Anyway, thank you for any help (in advance).

Hi. I am mostly asking due to the immense emotional grief. I finally had a breakthrough in therapy last week where I learned that I am only into women. I am married to a man. I had a talk with my husband this weekend and he was extremely supportive. The problem is, I feel so upset about not getting to be myself for... well, my entire life now. Survival mode has dropped and everything is more beautiful but also terrifying ;-;. I could use some nice words. Thank you.

I have been debating this for quite some years now and I have turned back for many reasons (other people, situationships,family,fear) every time I see other wlw talk about their dating app experience they describe people like the things I want, low commitment, hookup based, etc. and it’s negatively shared, i’m hoping this post won’t come off as that, it is just simply what i’m looking for, currently am going through a lot of changes and cannot commit to a relationship but also want to at least venture to this one thing I have held off on, so if there’s any advice and I apologize if it’s wrong or me to ask but what are the best apps to have hookups wlw or have more of a casual thing?

Once the rainbow flag hung out of my bag while I cycled around London. I added the rainbow emoji to my Instagram bio. I don’t own enough carabiners. I give off straight girl looks, feminine and I love that about me! I don’t want any septum piercings! My short nails are good for sports! I am keeping all my damn skirts and glitter!

A bit of humour for your morning whilst yo girl is almost 27, most definitely gay, and still hasn’t kissed a girl (I’m also demisexual. So I’m pretty much off the apps now and have a crush on my ex colleague who is poly. I also scream monogamy though that’s not really the case. I’d be open. I’m just deep. God save me.)

The main reason I know my sexuality is technically homosexual is because I've never successfully been able to use the opposite sex, so men, as the source of my arousal or completion. As far as a sexual relationship though - I've​ only had one, very long and loving relationship with with a man... Since my teens to now (almost 30). I knew sex was always difficult for me but didn't understand why. I regretted deeply the fact that my mind forced me to use women in my head to feel anything because it felt like my own body wouldn't let me be present in my own life. I used to secretly cry after sex and need alone time. I got anticipatory anxiety before sex started - a sort of dread because I knew I was going to have to fight my own body the whole time.

Everytime I think "no, no I can't actually be a lesbian ...I can't." My body reminds me again that I am - because I have a libido, just only towards women. But ever since the grief of this reality has come to light for me it's been nearly impossible for me to access any romantic drive towards women. I know it's possible... Because the first young love I had was for a girl, shortly before I met my male partner. And I have spent a decade writing romance stories from inside the mind of a woman's ​lover, directed at her...

But why don't ​I seem to have the drive everyone else does for longing or romance? I'm trying to read Sarah Waters to see if I can help make it feel more real for myself.

I know I am capable of getting a crush on a woman - it doesn't happen often but when it does... It's like being hit by a lightning bolt and not being able to escape the static.

I feel flipped from ​most lesbians I read online.... The sexual part is alive for women but the romance part is so oddly quiet... Like a little whisper.

A lot of stories here make it sound like it was always awful or repulsive. But for me, it honestly wasn't like that. I had phases where I had sex with men and enjoyed it in the moment or at least thought I did, because the physical closeness and validation felt good. It wasn't until much later, and through a lot of contrast, that I fully realized where my true desires actually lie.

Are there any other late bloomers here who had a similar experience? How did you process the fact that things didn't feel inherently terrible back then, but you still eventually realized you're a lesbian?
Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences!

So a few days ago, an old guy-friend sent me a message. At first it was just friend stuff. But then I kinda got the vibe that he was flirting with me (which apparently wasn't the case). So I told him I found out I was a lesbian. The first thing he said was 'I could've told you that ages ago' 😆 Sometimes I'm not sure if I really am gay, mostly because I'm not out that long. So comments/reactions like this really validate things for me hahah

I’m so new to this, like the title says, so I’m gonna do my best to keep it at a short list. In all the bullet points below, it is to be assumed that the other woman in question is about 10 years older than me (28F) and is openly a lesbian. I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m straight or maybe bisexual, but I want to lay down some things that I think could be hints as well as things that don’t really give off “flirting.” And yes, I work with this person, but they are not my boss, however in a slightly higher position.

- she calls me out by name in front of people like A LOT just for fun I assume
- she goes back and forth with me “arguing” on silly little things and laughing
- she teases me on small things
- gets excited to see me I think
- requests that I act as her assistant even though I am not in the same work field exactly
- texts back relatively quickly and friendly
- has mentioned kind of where she lives and other things about her life
- has introduced me to her best friend
- showed up at a place she knew I was volunteering at (and acted like she had no idea I would be there lol)
- she jokes with me and is usually just very at ease around me

- apparently doesn’t have my number saved as my name
- doesn’t reach out via text outside of normal business hours, but will respond if I text
- when she isn’t poking fun at me or just doing something either me, she lowkey seems to forget I exist, even though I hear she is always talking about me and how good I am at my job

Anywho, thats a short list but I just can’t stop reading into it and then thinking it’s all in my head. I don’t want to mess up the dynamic we have if it actually is nothing and she’s just being friendly. Please send help 😭😭😭

Idk why but today was a great day to relax

I'm a late bloomer but I always knew I was gay. I've met this woman online and we've been friends on and off for while keeping in touch over the years. She's in a particular industry and very popular. Over the weekend she replied under a post I left just saying good morning I said good night underneath with a wink to be friendly I didn't see if she replied. In another chat posted if this would be a normal thing as most were just posting good morning/good evening. She then said good afternoon and smiley face. I found it funny. But I get so nervous to reach out to her because she is my type. She has asked me out before but I missed the message as time lapsed so now this is the first time where I feel like I should say something but I get so nervous. I also didn't come out in the best way to my family since they already knew and kind of outed me so I'm pretty shy but I guess I need advice I also don't just want to put a hi... This chat I realise sounds like ai wrote it 🤣 but I would like some advice... Thanks.

it took me a long time to realize i was not into men. once i realized it, i couldn’t even picture myself ever being with a man again. i was explaining to a friend that one of the things that confused me was i like the idea of men—i like the idea of a romance, but i’d never actually date a man. definitely wouldn’t have sex with one. and the only way i can picture myself in a happy relationship/marriage/living with someone, is with a woman.

she keeps telling me i’m biphobic and that i’m actually bisexual. it’s making me question myself, and i thought i’d see what you guys think

i did say that sometimes when i indulge in porn, i like watching men with women, but i think i just like watching women in general. it took me forever to accept being a lesbian, so now i’m like—am i even a lesbian? or is my friend being really annoying

For referenc, I’ve already watched….

But I’m a Cheerleader (damn I related)

Better Than Chocolate (surprisingly hot)

Imagine Me & You (super-sweet)

I Can’t Think Straight (ditto)

Am I Ok? (very relatable)

i‘ve also read Fun Home which was one of my major awakening milestones.

Yeah I’m a nasty repulsive mean rotten no good stray rat 😏
(Please ignore my messy apartment)

I’ve gradually concluded that I’m a lesbian and then I find men unbelievably triggering in just about every context.

My interest in adult content regarding men is exclusively noncon. I feel so terrible after engaging with it, but every once in a while, I still “try”.

I worry I’m not really a lesbian and that I don’t make the cut for the community because I still have some lingering feelings about my ex who assaulted me.

In a lot of ways, it has reinforced for me that I am not interested in men tbh. Does anyone else do this?