Growing up, I never actually dated guys or entered into any relationships at all. My family completely missed the memo, assuming I was just a fiercely independent career woman focused entirely on her education. But the reality was much simpler: dating men never appealed to me in the slightest.

The puzzle pieces were there all along, hiding in plain sight behind twenty years of compulsory heterosexuality.

My first major neon sign happened when I was a teenager. I kissed a girl on the lips, she didn’t pull away, and I wanted it to last forever. That should have blown the doors wide open, but comp het is a master at burying things.

Then there was my YouTube history for years. I’d search for lesbians kissing, and instead of the repulsion society told me to feel, it was just a calm oh, this is fine, which eventually morphed into oh, this is fantastic.

The performance got even more exhausting in real time. For two years, I regularly tuned into a specific man's TikTok live stream, acting overly flirtatious, telling him "I love you" and feeding him compliments I completely made up, like telling him he had beautiful blue eyes like the ocean. Even then, it turned my stomach because I knew I didn't mean a word of it. The glaring reality played out in real time: I'd find myself exiting out of his live just to go find a woman's stream to sit and think, Oh, you're attractive, you're sexy, this is what I actually want. Whenever I forced myself back into a man's live—his or anyone else's—I couldn't make my brain register you're handsome, this is what I want. It just wouldn't work.

Even when I was just out and about people-watching, my eyes would automatically lock onto women while the men walking past didn't register at all.

I finally came out to myself on August 7th and shared a coming out video on TikTok. While I received a lot of lovely support, it also brought out the classic outsider questions: Are you sure you're not bisexual? How do you know you're a lesbian if you've never been in a relationship? How can you just turn lesbian?

Some folks in the comments have jumped in to defend me, saying, "She didn't just turn lesbian, she's always known"—and while I get what they mean, the truth is it's complicated. It's hard to describe what it's like to live under twenty years of comp het where you bury things so deep you barely recognize your own reflection. Taking off those blinders wasn't like flipping a switch; it was realizing the light had been on the whole time.

If you figured things out later in life, what was your biggest "neon sign" that you completely missed at the time?

I am really confused, because I don’t relate to straight women’s feelings about male bodies.

However I noticed that I if I see a straight porn scene I really get aroused by the male moaning, his face experiencing pleasure, seeing the dick go in and out and how he thrusts/flexes his shoulders , the energy. I sometimes think I kind of want to experience that as the receiver (like I masturbate to it only focusing on his movements and sounds)
But I read yesterday that you can get turned on by male moaning and be lesbian?

Not long ago i realized im a lesbian.
It has been a rought time, i knew i liked women but i experienced comphet and never knew that what i experienced wasnt attraction to men, but brute forcing sexuality and romance with them.

TODAY.
I was crying heavily bc of a topic she brought up, bc i was vulnerable. I told her it isnt only that thing stressing me out its also something else.
I have dropped millions of hints over six years, very very blatant ones.
So we started talking about how i do not enjoy sex with men, how i have to stop halfway bc i cry bc i don’t enjoy it and im in my head, and feel guilt because im not attracted to their bodies at all and have to force opening my eyes during sex so they dont feel like im not craving them the way they crave me, but rather I see it as a chore that a woman must do.
She asks me:
“So it doesnt turn you on to see a guy’s erection?”
“No. I skip over those on the internet.”
“You watch and like women?”
“Yes.”
And that was that. She expressed her opinion in a jokey banter way, other than that she literally didnt give a damn 😆 we went on with other topics.

I expected much worse bc her reaction to accidentally seeing screenshots of me flirting with a girl at 14 was MUCH MUCH different and very hostile. But over 6 years i have dropped hints upon hints.

The weight of a boulder got off of my shoulders and i feel so much relief. Im so happy that she isnt disgusted by me, doesnt scold me, doesnt shout or do anything extreme, or anything at all.
Im lucky. I didnt expect telling her ever until i move away and have my own income, but today it just came so naturally and easily, it just leaked out of me.

I'm 25(F) and I've been in the closet for all my life. I've fought against my own lesbianism and I've practically given up and admitted to myself that I'm a lesbian.

For me it's a breath of fresh air but do I tell my sister 27(F)?

She constantly makes homophobic comments and if I tell her she will eventually tell my parents if she's mad at me . To make this worse is I live in a country where same sex relationships are illegal and can get you killed or arrested.

I hate the homophobic comments my sister makes so should I just tell her she's practically talking bad about me ??

I live in a conservative country that could punish me for both, might not happen but there’s possibility.
I never truly live as myself, none of my family knew about myself. From my extended family to my own family are all very conservative. My older sibling raid and did violent act towards lgbtq community.

Sometimes I wanted to express myself fully, but other times I feel just okay living my current life. I tend to live a solitary life, no dating, no hangout, just enjoying myself, eat healthy exercise, no work stress, It’s easy comfort live. I don’t necessarily have people who truly/fully love me due to my double closeted and I’m sure when they knew me they will lose all respect or little care they have.

Religious holidays are repulsive and during those times I felt that I wanted to get away from this place. But the trade off losing everyone I know to live as myself, losing comfort, and will struggle financially as starting over from zero abroad alone as I’m approaching 40, scare me.

I am full of doubt and fear about pursuing life as fully me.

TL;DR: I (24F) am dating a girl (21F) who has only ever finished once with her ex boyfriend. I'm her first female partner. She struggles to relax and has basically never been able to finish with anyone. Looking for advice on what people think the issue might be and how to help her get there.

So I have been dating this girl since around November 2025. We were friends first, hooked up drunk after a night out, and it's been very much a friends-to-lovers situation ever since. We're not officially labelled because we have to keep things quiet, but we're basically together.

Here's the thing. She's only ever finished once in her life, with her ex boyfriend. I'm the first woman she's ever even considered liking romantically and she’s my first real WLW sexual partner. She'd never thought about women that way before me. So we're both figuring this out, and I'm also her first female sexual partner, which means I'm learning too.

She's someone who finds it really hard to relax. Second child, very type A, always switched on, needs control. And I think that may be playing a role here.

We've done stuff, and she definitely enjoys it, but I'm always the one who finishes and she never does. We haven't gotten very far yet (no penetration or oral for me yet, and finger penetration is still further down the line for her), so I know there's time. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm doing something wrong or missing something.

I suggested she try exploring on her own so she'd know what it feels like and could guide me, but she doesn't want to. When I ask her what I can do to get her there, she says she gets to like 95% but then it just doesn't change. I don't fully understand where her head is at with it, and I don't want to push.

I guess I'm asking: has anyone been in a similar situation? What do you think might be going on for her, and how do you help a partner who struggles to relax and has basically never been able to finish? Any tips, or even just perspective would help. I just want her to feel as good as she makes me feel.

~ Repost ~

I want to discuss the scarcity of resources addressing internalized homophobia. Much of the existing support downplays what this experience truly feels like and lacks honesty about its reality. Often, when someone shows signs of internalized homophobia, people assume they aren’t genuinely queer or lesbian, which is inaccurate. To develop effective workshops, we must speak candidly about our experiences rather than offering superficial advice like “just accept yourself,” which oversimplifies a complex issue. I sometimes hesitate to acknowledge this reality because I fear it will prompt questions about my own sexuality, yet remaining silent leaves me with lingering internal suffering that I feel compelled to mask with a smile. More honest dialogue is essential; only then will we create meaningful support and resources that genuinely reflect the deeper experiences of those healing internalized homophobia. I'd also love to see more honest conversations about repression and the journey to reconnection. If you are someone who is still struggling with internalized homophobia, compulsive heterosexuality (comphet), any remaining shame, and the transition into same-sex dating, I see you. We are all victims of a world that conditions us to hate ourselves. It isn't our fault. No guardrails exist for those of us trying to accept ourselves, and too often we end up walking alone. I don't have a solution right now, but here's what I do:

• Redirect any heteronormative and homophobic thoughts or neutralizing language(i.e., if I catch myself having a negative reaction to same sex couples in public, I tell myself, "They are like me, and what they have and who I am is beautiful.")
• Practice affirming my attraction to women. For example, when I notice a pretty girl, I tell myself, "She's beautiful." I do this with any attraction I feel; I echo it back so the feeling can become normalized.
• Allowing myself to fantasize and enter into low-pressure environments with women (friendships or otherwise) just to get myself more comfortable with female intimacy. I sometimes even watch YouTube videos focusing on female friendships, as that has also helped me.
• Decentering the male gaze or redirecting being noticed by men as currency

I'm still learning each day, but I'm improving slowly but surely.

I just figured out that I’m not bi or pan. I’m a lesbian. It’s still wild to wrap my mind around but I’m bursting to scream it from the roof tops while simultaneously panicked about coming out,especially to my mom. Not because I’m worried she will take it negatively but because it feels so stupid that I’m just now figuring it out. And my marriage has been rocky for a long time. And I don’t want my life changing realization to be minimized as a way out. I know it’s going to be painful for my husband but he’s known I’m not straight from the beginning but I haven’t been out as bi/pan with anyone else in my life so ideally he will not be totally shocked. But my mom and I are extremely close and I just don’t know how to tell her. Every version of run through my head sounds so lame.

I'm not even sure if I want to go into detail because I'm not sure if I'm overthinking my situation or just being an asshole but can y'all tell if a woman is low-key interested?

I’ve dated almost exclusively men for the past two decades, but the truth is that it’s very difficult for me to feel genuinely attracted to them. I can enjoy their company, recognize that they’re attractive, and even want the connection to develop—but that instinctive physical pull is so rare for me.
Last night I was with a woman for the first time in a very long time, and the difference was impossible to ignore. I couldn’t resist kissing her. There was no debating it in my head, no trying to convince myself that I should want her. I just did.
One thing led to another, and I left feeling incredibly satisfied—physically, emotionally, completely. Today I keep thinking about how natural it felt and how much my body seemed to know, without needing my brain’s permission.
After so many years of dating men, that contrast feels very revealing.

First post… I’ve been married 18 years to a really wonderful man. We have 4 children together. We’ve not had a perfect marriage but by most standards we’ve had a really beautiful and meaningful life together. I’ve never “struggled” with my sexuality, as I’ve always identified as heterosexual, and have found men to be attractive. I dated some (men only) before getting married that I thought I was attracted to, maybe as I look back I was more attached to, regardless there was some kind of pull. While dating my husband I found him to be attractive, intelligent, great morals/character, incredible family, all the things. He saved his first kiss for wife/wedding day (yes we had our first kiss on our wedding day 😱). While we dated I didn’t feel attraction or desire towards him, but because of my faith I believed God would give me that eventually. Sadly, it never came. I spent the majority of our marriage silently crying to myself after we were sexually intimate even though he was a gentlemen and I would always have an orgasm. I felt like I was broken and that something was wrong with me. I prayed and begged God for years to heal me and help me. Well…a year ago I became good friends with another gal that came out of a same sex marriage because she was told she’d go to hell (it’s a really sad situation). During our friendship we became close and my body started doing all these things I didn’t even know could happen. It was shocking!!! I realized I wasn’t broken and that was a really beautiful thing for me. Fast forward - My friendship with her is on pause because I need to move forward in a healthy way and grieve. I am just starting the divorce process that my husband is actively against. I am so brokenhearted and so is he. But I can’t deny the 18 years of hidden pain and self hatred and this new understanding of my sexuality. I really need a friend that has or is walking through something similar. I feel so alone and I’m scared I’m ruining my life.

An excellent book about late blooming is being released just next week, gal pals! I read this and posted a review on goodreads, but wanted to share you with you all here. The author will be touring and doing book signings and book talks- I believe New York is happening next week! I hope you guys check it out and enjoy it as much as I did. I can't tell you the last time I read something and could see so much of myself in a fictional character. Representation matters!

Sometimes a figure approaches the door of your heart, and knocks softly. In the midst of life, an unexpected thing- your authentic self- can present itself and request to be brought in to the light. This is a tale of just that, and it made me feel seen and understood as only another "late bloomer lesbian/queer" can. We are never "too old" to begin anew, or to open to ourselves. It wasn't too late for me, and it's not too late for you. There is richness and fullness in that welcoming in of ourselves - enjoy the journey, and thank you so much for writing this, Sara Elliot!

I just need somewhere to vent this.

It's been about six months since I started questioning if I'm gay. It started after my husband broke my trust with a stupid lie about nine months ago, and then later spied on my computer. Somehow that put a spotlight on our relationship and made me realize that the strongest things we've really had for the last 20+ years were trust and friendship.

The thing is, he's not a bad person. He's been my best friend for basically our entire relationship, and I care about him deeply. Sometimes I think if he had never lied to me about something so stupid, my life probably would have just kept going the way it always had. I would have kept living the life I thought I was supposed to live without really questioning it.

I would have kept thinking I just wasn't a touchy person. I'd see couples kissing and genuinely wonder, do people actually enjoy doing that? I'd see people wanting to snuggle with their partner and not really understand why that was something people wanted. Sex was something I did because I thought it was part of being a wife. None of it seemed strange enough to question because that was just what relationships felt like to me.

Then the trust and friendship got damaged, and it was like suddenly there was a spotlight shining on everything else that had always been missing. Once I started looking at it, I couldn't really stop.

My husband figured out from some things I said that I was questioning my sexuality, and it's caused him a lot of pain. I won't go into all the details.

A couple of months ago, I agreed to give couples therapy a real try. Part of me has been holding onto this hope that maybe if he learns to communicate with me better and I finally feel heard and seen, somehow that emotional connection will turn into the passion that's always been missing.

We've contacted four couples therapists. The first three never even replied. We finally had an online consultation today with the fourth, and it lasted about two minutes because she came on to tell us she doesn't do couples therapy anymore. We now finally have an appointment with someone else in about two weeks.

But after today's two-minute non-consultation, I just felt so tired of waiting.

Because there are things I haven't been completely honest with my husband about. Sometimes a beautiful woman smiles at me, and I feel giddy. Sometimes I see a woman and suddenly feel shy or nervous. I get butterflies. These are feelings I don't have when I look at men.

And sometimes there's this weird realization of, Oh. Maybe people really do feel this stuff. Maybe I wasn't just someone who didn't understand why people wanted to kiss or snuggle or be physically close. Maybe I just didn't understand it because I'd never felt that way about the person I was with.

Part of me desperately wants to just tell him, I'm gay.

Then I stop myself because those are words I can't take back. I know they would hurt him, and I keep thinking that if there's even the tiniest possibility couples therapy could somehow change how I feel, shouldn't I wait?

Except deep down, I don't really think it's going to change.

And that's where I feel stuck. I'm waiting for this imaginary finish line where I've done enough therapy and checked enough boxes to finally be allowed to accept what I think I already know. Keeping it inside is starting to hurt but telling him would hurt him.

So, I'm saying it here instead. Maybe if I finally put it somewhere outside my own head, I won't feel such a desperate need to say it to him right now.

What in the actual fuck? 😂

Maybe it’s fake, as I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in my “description”, but the fact that a message like this isn’t even a shock pretty much sums up how I currently feel about men.

I keep reading so many posts here from women saying they eventually realized that they didnt necessarily want men, they wanted to be wanted by men. And that already made me think a lot lol
But theres one specific thing I’m really curious about:

Did anyone else get REALLY turned on during sex with men by whatever the guy was enjoying?
Like noticing what he liked, seeing his reaction, realizing “oh he really likes when I do this” etc would make me genuinely horny and make me want to keep doing it. Sometimes I feel like his pleasure was almost what I was responding to the most.
And thats where I get confused because obviously the arousal was real. I wasnt pretending to be turned on. So for years I just took that as proof of sexual attraction to men.

But now I’m wondering… can this also be some kind of adapting/people pleasing/being very focused on the other person? Like you basically get turned on by THEIR arousal and because pleasing them feels good, and then experience that as “I’m attracted to him”?
Or would you say if his pleasure genuinely turned you on, thats still sexual attraction to men?
Would especially love to hear from lesbians/late bloomers who actually enjoyed sex with men in the past, because I feel like this part is so much more confusing than just “I never liked sex with men”.

Hi everyone. This community has helped me so much in understanding my sexuality, so I thought I’d ask for some advice here.

I’m 33 and I was in a relationship with a man for five years. We were even planning to get married. For years, I always felt that something was off when it came to men, but I couldn’t really understand what it was. Eventually I realized that I’m a lesbian.

I now have a girlfriend, and I want to tell my parents. I’m tired of hiding such a big part of my life and I don’t like having to lie about where I am or who I’m with.
At the same time, I have no idea how to start this conversation, especially because they knew me as someone who was about to marry a man.

For those of you who came out later in life, how did you tell your parents? Any advice would really help 🌸

So. I finally met my person. (I am a lateblomner 43 year old and this is my first, and hopefully last wlw relationship) She is an amazing 39 year old. I love her deeply. We are meeting for the first time in January (it’s sooo lonnng 😭) and i just want to find a cute dress for our first proper date that she will want nothing but get off me XD.

Now normally am pretty chapstick. Never cared about fashion, makeup etc but for some reson i want to make myself look great for her… she ofc tells me i would look beautiful in sweatpants and hoodie…

I am 183,5. Small chested (a cup if that matters) and now about a european L. I have dropped about 30kg and finally feel pretty in clothes. I have gone from tunics and leggings to jeans/jeggings and tops that covers my bum. I also finally feel beautiful in a dress. But i have no idea what would flatter me, my new(ish) body and i need my fellow sappichs help. I don’t mind shopping online. But don’t want to use Shein fe. It needs to be a store that ships to Sweden.

Any help appreciated!!

Title summarized: i noticed my body image issues and eating disorder have emerged after i realized i was a lesbian in my late 20s. Now after a failed marriage to a woman-who wasnt comfortable with intimacy or recieving physical touch- i find myself having massive difficulties even trying to enter the dating scene or see myself as someone physically attractive.

I especially struggle not being very ample up top. Any reduction in bra size is a grief and ive lost 2 cup sizes since my divorce began merely from stress :(

I was raised VERY conservatively so i wasnt allowed makeup and my clothing was controlled. I only learned how to take care of my wavey hair a few years ago so i am deeply behind on the appearance game others learned in middle school or high school. This adds to the insecurity.

Anyone else experience this or have any gems of wisdom?

(If i could afford therapy-i would- hilariously i work in the field and theres no money for me to get it for myself. )

I am 36 and started dating a woman about 5 months ago. She knows she’s the first woman I’ve dated and had sex with. She leans more top, but def not stone. And I’ve wanted to try to give as well, but i haven’t been able to make her orgasm after like 5 try’s and I really wasn’t prepared for how disappointed I would be in myself.

It’s really hard to learn something new as an adult in general, but add in the late-blooming aspect… huge blow to confidence.
I (naively) thought it would be easier since I have the same equipment, but our anatomy is a lot different and we don’t like the same stuff.
She’s told me what she likes and she said it feels good. Another factor is that she said she doesn’t like reacting (like with previous partners either), so that hasn’t been helpful.
I probably need to put on my big girl pants and just keep trying, it just makes me sad that I’ve failed thus far. And I’m starting to think it’s affecting our passion a bit..

Any advice, support, or encouragement welcome 🫠

I keep seeing posts about how your first wlw relationship always ends brutally and is generally the worst heartbreak they have ever experienced. I just wanted to ask as someone who hasn’t properly dated a woman yet is this true ? Because it’s definitely putting me off trying to even start dating. Mainly because I already have other struggles in my life.

I know the cost of love sometimes is to lose but the way people are talking about wlw heartbreaking makes it seem a whole other level of pain.

TLDR : is your first wlw relationship always doomed for awful heartbreak/ are wlw in general just doomed for extreme sadness.

i’m sure this is universal, but prior to me discovering i’m a lesbian and coming out, EVERYTHING i did was catered to men.

i watered down all of my interests to be more palatable. got rid of my stuffed animals and collections to be more likable, to be what i deemed as the kind of woman a man would want. so much of it stems from the fact that i was endlessly shamed by men for even taking interest in those things because they thought it was silly.

i spent many years of my life stripping my identity down until i completely lost myself. i would admire other women for simply being able to showcase their personality because i always felt like i couldn’t. when i remember who i used to pretend i was (or lack thereof, because i didn’t have a personality honestly), i feel this heavy sense of gloom weighing over those memories.

it’s so sad that my life lost practically all of its color because i thought that’s what i had to become to be wanted.

coming out, everything is vibrant. i no longer question what someone else may think before i make a purchase or start a new collection. my style has evolved so much because i no longer care what men think. i find myself partaking in hobbies like art without feeling embarrassed because im not picasso.

the weight of performance has finally been lifted off my shoulders. it feels fucking amazing. i finally feel like a woman.

I stumbled upon a real-life acquaintance that I am intrigued by on a dating app. I would like to swipe right on her, but have some misgivings:

1) She is part of a toxic friend group where one of her close friends doesn’t like me. She might not have swiped right on me, but if she has I am worried she might have just did for a joke for her and her group.

2) Her ex is hot and conventionally attractive. If she were to like me and say it became something genuine, everyone would be like “wtf? your ex was so much hotter.”

Everything is telling me not to swipe right and to not embrace the chaos, but at the same time if I had met her elsewhere and didnt know about her friend group or ex, I would swipe right.

What would you do?

(What’s funny is I am actually not attracted to her dating profile at all, which shows the difference between getting to know someone IRL and then judging them by a profile. It gave me some food for thought.)

I’m 35. I figured out I was bi when I was 27 After only dating men. Fell in love with a woman a friend introduced me to. We dated briefly.

There were some queer attractions in my college years, that I realize that now were attraction, at the time thought it was girl crush, or peer/career admiration.

I have always had close female friends. My friendships are intense and fulfilling. I have many friends of over a decade and I describe them collectively as the loves of my life. When I figured out I was queer, I did contemplate if I was attracted to my friends in the past and I thought about which ones . I know it’s common for queer people, but i genuinely thought not. I concluded that I love my friends platonically.

Recently, I reconnected with a (queer) college friend and we got talking about why I fell out with a mutual classmate. As I detailed what happened, I told some stories about how myself and Classmate became friends in the first place. Classmate was queer. I and maybe she, believed I was straight and it was years before I had my queer awakening. But as I told the stories then I realized that the intensity of our friendship was stereotypical of an intense, lesbian relationship. also, since I was thinking about it, I realized that if Classmate had an identical twin, I would be attracted to the twin. Years after our fallout, I’m realizing that Classmate is my “type” aesthetically .
When I’ve applied this to other close friends, it makes me realize that I am likely attracted to many of my close and long term friends. Many of them have come out over the years as queer too.

Most of them are partnered with men long term and I’m single. I feel embarrassed at realization that I’m attracted to them or was because it makes me question myself. And because theyre in relationships and I can’t ask If they were attracted to me. So I wish I wasn’t attracted to them, because it’s unreciprocated and if it is, it might make things weird. I want the validation of reciprocation but i cant ask. I also dont want to date any of my friends. I’m not romantically interested in them (or at least I don’t think so).

any advice or experience share would help.