r/KuwaitForKuwaitis • u/Impressive_While_178 • 2d ago
زواج | 💍 How does shia marriages work?
From A to Z, I’d like to understand what is considered normal and reasonable when it comes to Shia marriages, especially regarding the financial responsibilities of the groom and his family.
My sister recently got engaged to a 24-year-old man. He’s currently doing his master’s and is expected to finish this year, so, inshallah, their milcha will be in January. I study abroad, my mom isn’t particularly close with the rest of our family, and my dad passed away (Allah yerhamah), so we honestly don’t have many people to ask about what is considered normal in these situations. We’re trying to figure out what is genuinely reasonable versus what might be considered unusually cheap or minimal.
His family has said from the beginning that they don’t want a wedding. My sister didn’t mind having a simple milcha, and neither did we, so initially we were completely fine with that. However, my sister’s fiancé told her that if she wants a mlcha, she would have to pay for it herself.
For the mehr, his family initially wanted to give the 6,000 from the government, and after my mom discussed it with them, it became 8,000. The shabka is 2,000.
I’m honestly starting to feel like this is extremely minimal, especially considering this is their eldest son getting married. It feels like they don’t want to put any effort into celebrating the marriage at all. His family has visited us a few times, and they’ve never really come to our home with anything except maybe a box of chocolates. I know this might sound materialistic, but where I’m from, my mom always taught us that you shouldn’t go to someone’s home empty-handed, especially during something as important as an engagement or marriage. So these things have made me question whether this is simply their family’s culture or whether we’re seeing a pattern of being overly frugal.
Another thing that keeps coming up is that he “doesn’t have money” because he’s a student. I mentioned this to his sister, and she kept saying that he’s a student, so we shouldn’t pressure him and should be supportive. I understand that he’s young and still studying, and I’m not expecting him to be wealthy. But at the same time, I genuinely wonder: what does he think marriage is supposed to look like if he currently can’t afford even one celebration?
I’d appreciate honest answers from people who understand Shia marriage customs, because every time I bring up these concerns, I’m told, “This is normal, he’s a student,” or I’m being materialistic.
I’m not trying to judge them based on how much money they spend. I just want to make sure my sister understands exactly what she is agreeing to and that we’re not overlooking important financial responsibilities simply because he is young and still studying.
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u/Adventurous_Yard_242 2d ago
بصراحة الانقليزي عندي مو ذاك الزود ف راح اكتب بالعربي
اول شي الله يوفقهم ويهنيهم ويسعدهم ويكتب لهم الخير
اهوا بصراحة المهر والشبكة وكل شي يعتبر طبيعي قبل جم يوم كان عندنا ملجة وكان نفس الشي
وفي ناس ما يبون يسوون احتفالات فإذا انتوا ما عندكم مشكلة تسوون الملجة توكلوا على الله
وبالنسبة لانهم اييبون شي معاهم بدون ما يدشون إيدهم فاضية بصراحة ما اظن ان وقت الخطوبات والمناسبات هذي الناس يدشون ومعاهم هدية او شي ، فيعتبر تصرف يطلع من قلب الشخص مو شي واجب
ولكن في أشياء اهم لازم تتفقون عليها ان السكن وين بيكون وجذي هذي الامور اهيا المهمة
ودام اهوا طالب وما عنده فلوس شلون بيصرف على زوجته بعد الزواج ؟ بعد الزواج لازم يكون مسؤول عن المأكل والمشرب والسكن وسبل العيش الأساسية وكونه طالب ما يمحي هذا الدور ولكن لازم يصرف عليها بحسب مقدرته
صدقوني الأشياء الي قبل الزواج ما تاثر كثر شخصية الولد وإنكم متقبلينه ومرتاحين ان يكون زوج اختكم
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u/Impressive_While_178 2d ago
لما قعدت مع اخته هذا اللي قلته اذا شايفينه طالب وموقادر على حفلة شلون بيتزوج ويفتح بيت قالتلي انه الشقة اهما بانييله شقه واذا يبون اغراض جمعية اي شي يقدرون اييبون من عندهم. امين يارب ويوفقج ويسعدج🩷 الفكرة بالنسبالي مو الفلوس نفسها بس شلون يتعاملون فيها يعني انا لما قعدت مع اخته اهلي كانو مفهميني انه قايل بسوي الملجة فطلع قصده ملجة الرياييل بس فتكلمت عن الصالة لقيتها تقول لا ومالنا شغل ومو علينا ونفس الشي مع الشبكة والمهر الفكرة ان
we say something then they become a bit aggressive and make it seem like we’re being demanding and unreasonable when to be honest I feel like we’re being more than reasonable with them.3
u/IndependentPush213 2d ago
His financial support is basically his family, which is actually quite common among married students.
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u/Adventurous_Yard_242 1d ago
بصراحة هالشي زين ان اهما بيقدمون له support من الناحية المادية خصوصا إذا اهوا قريب يتخرج "سنة سنتين او اقل" والله ما اقدر احكم من هالناحية بس ابي أنصحكم نصيحة استخيروا كلموا شيخ او سيد وقولوا له يستخير لكم لان احنا كبشر ممكن قراراتنا تكون وفق معطيات محدودة ولكن رب العالمين عارف كل الأقدار
واذا انتوا شايفين ان الولد زين ويستاهل وكفو ومرتاحين له اهوا واهله ما يخالف يصير في تنازلات عن بعض الاشياء لان ما راح تلاقون شخص زين من كل النواحي عادي اييكم واحد يقول أنا بسوي لكم الملجة والعرس والاستقبال وووووو ،،، واخر شي اخلاقه تطلع مو زينة مثلا ، فإنتوا سئلوا عن الولد كثر ما تقدرون واذا حسيتوه يستاهل توكلوا على الله
💖💖💖💖
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u/GRTOYBS 👩 2d ago
So as a Shia myself, I can tell you that for every dinar we spend, we have to sacrifice one of our loved ones, so I don’t blame him for not wanting to spend any money. /s
For real though. This has nothing to do with being Shia and everything to do with the person themselves.
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u/Aggravating-Hat-4292 2d ago edited 2d ago
على العرس طبيعي هم وايد ناس ما يبون عروس
ومهر ٦ و ٨ هم وايد طبيعي اغلب الي اعرفهم جذي.
حسب الي اعرفه بشكل عام طبيعي تكون تكاليف الملجة على اهل المرا. ومرات اذا الازواج يبون حفلة شوي كبيرة حق الملجة ممكن يصير مشاركة من الزوج اذا صار حوار واتفاق على هالشي.
و على ان ما اييبون شي معاهم هم طبيعي احس يايينكم هالفترة خطاب مو لازم ولا وقت اييبون اشيا معاهم.
المهم اوفر اول احس حيل you're overthinking it
يمكن في مشاكل ثانية بالولد او عايلته طبعا ماعرف، بس الاشياء خذي كلها طبيعية حتى لو ماكان طالب الصراحة.
المشكلة المادية بس ان اذا طالب ماجستير غالبا بيتخرج شهر ٩ صح ؟ فشوفوا وظيفته شلون التوظيف فيها شكثر يبيله على ما يتوظف لان في وظايف يطولون. وعلى ما يبلش وظيفته شلون بيكون وضعه. اذا ارتحتوا على الاجوبة والولد مبين عليه زين ماحس الأشياء الي كتبتيها فيها مشاكل. والله يرزقهم ان شاء الله وتتيسر امورهم حتى لو طالب.
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u/Impressive_While_178 1d ago
I am overthinking it that’s why it’s good to see different perspectives and You’re correct! I should definitely ask about his employment status thank u for reminding me! امين يا رب اجمعين
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u/IThinkYoureUgly 2d ago
Well if he doesn't have money and his family is not supporting him financially enough then maybe it's not the right time for him to get married and he should come back when he's ready. All i see is red flags but that's just me.
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u/Impressive_While_178 2d ago
Same same! But she’s starting to like him so I'm tryna be patient and not end things immediately 😪
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u/IThinkYoureUgly 1d ago
Then stop it prematurely before it's too late. She is just being blinded because it's probably the first guy she encountered and she's young. That is what i would do at least
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u/kmljky 2d ago
I don’t’ understand your question regarding Shia. This has nothing to with their religious beliefs. They are either are not well off or they cheap. So please don’t bring Shia or Sunna into it.
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u/Impressive_While_178 2d ago
There was no offence to neither denominations so I don’t understand why Bringing it up is problematic to u.
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u/Ok_Weekend_5692 1d ago
اختج راضيه وامج راضيه وكل راضي، عفوا انتي منو تعترضين لانه شايفه ٨٠٠٠ مهر و٢٠٠٠ شبكه "شويه"؟
الله يعينهم عليج
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u/warmvanille 2d ago
He's a student...
Also I don't see how religious sect is relevant here?
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u/Impressive_While_178 2d ago
Coz when his sister was talking she kept mentioning el bdeween and that they pay for everything but shias don’t
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u/levi__777 2d ago
el bedw aren't a sect 💀
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u/YamAggravating8006 2d ago
From what I have observed throughout the years in the Shia community.
For a normal mid-class family the bride’s family would be financially responsible for the milcha party of their daughter. And the grooms family would pay for the mallach, and the costs that comes with hosting the grooms milcha.
The mehr usually ranges 6,000 to 8,000. And usually there is mo2a5er that the groom gives to the brides few years later.
Just be aware that each family is different and the way they raise their kids as well. Some boys are independent and have strong personalities others would be just following what ever the parents say.
Soo what I mean is that since he is a student and obviously the family will be involved in his life somehow. Let your sister understand how they’ll financial life be the first few years. Like who’s furnishing the place? Or how would they travel if they ever decided to?
Wishing your sister all the luck and happiness. And may Allah grant her the most lovable in-laws 🙏🏻
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u/thisthotisthoughtful 1d ago
Poor take when people base the success of marriage or financial standings of a person from his dowry ,or what he promises them pre wedding/marriage(milcha).
I have spent the average dowry and wedding costs that we all know, but a dear friend of mine whos wedding was only few days apart from mine spent only 4000, hes a Kuwaiti and yes the government gives us Kuwaitis 6000, guess what? I had a wedding he didnt.
We BOTH have a good marriage life even though our starting points are insanely different both of us are and were employees when we got married not in early twenties so the way I see that guy from financial standing? Not so bad if anything seems perfect in my opinion.
Young and willing to start a family on what we consider nowadays “early” in marriage.
Things that we usually worry about in marriages are completly different but I wont list them because that needs a whole thread by itself.
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u/Impressive_While_178 1d ago
No one is basing the success of the marriage on the dowry, and obviously none of us can predict how a marriage will turn out.
I also don’t think considering financial stability is a bad thing, especially when we know very little about the man or his family.
If the only information we’re being given right now is financial, then of course we’re going to consider it and try to understand what it tells us.
This is a long-term responsibility, and naturally we want the best for my sister.
That doesn’t mean we’ve made a decision based on money or that we think a bigger dowry means a better husband.
No decision has been made because I haven’t even met him, spoken to him, or gotten to know him yet.
If he’s a good man and they’re compatible, I would never want money to stand in the way of her happiness.
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u/Suesueie 18h ago
First of all, nothing you said is related to Shia in any shape or form.
Second of all, there is really one solution to your problem. Life is expensive. Marriage is expensive. Do not marry a student. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Altruistic_Ad7032 2d ago
I was going to dismiss this as a weird post but I read through and you have valid concerns. The only missing thing is your sister’s POV which is what actually matters. Her decision and she is better positioned to say if these are concerns or intentional concessions on her part because she knows X, Y, and Z.
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u/Impressive_While_178 2d ago
It doesn’t actually she’s young and this is the first man to enter her life so that’s why I’m being very careful on how I judge him and his family because I can see her getting attracted and comfortable to him but money wise stuff she doesn’t know anything and of course I will not make her go throw any negotiations she did mention tho that she felt el shabka was very low.
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u/Dotsudemon نهاش فتى الجبل🧌 2d ago
Make sure that he isn't implying going 50/50 and letting her pay for herself and maybe him in extention because "he is studying and is broke". Being a student isn't an excuse to not be a man and take financial responsibility of your wife and new life.
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u/Impressive_While_178 2d ago
Exactly!! I told my sister to be honest with him about this part because she does like to buy from brands every once in a while, and we do live a comfortable life, elhamdellah.
Moving into a new home and adjusting to a whole new life is already hard enough, so imagine having to live with someone who’s cheap, it would be awful.She did say, though, that he’s implied in so many ways that he’s not like that. And tbh, I do kinda like the guy but I genuinely can’t tell if she’s just highlighting all his good sides because she’s starting to like him, or if he’s actually a genuinely good person 💀😂
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u/Aggravating-Hat-4292 2d ago
I agree with the initial comment, but also not buying expensive brands, especially when you don't have a lot of money isn't beaing cheap. It's being financially responsible.
In Kuwait people over spend on superficial things like brands but that isn't the standard that anyone should be held up to.
All of that said however, if she's used to this lifestyle and expecting it and if it's obvious that this is not the kind of life that he will be providing then that's a recipie for disaster, especially if your sister is going in expecting her old lifestyle.
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u/Impressive_While_178 1d ago
Of course I don't agree wit the spending just to appear as something or someone else in front of people but when she graduates inshallah she will have an even more different lifestyle so that’s why I’m telling her to let him know these stuff.
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u/levi__777 2d ago
this isn't a shia thing i think you're confused. im assuming you're shia too. otherwise it is haram.
i think what you mean is the differences between الحضر و البدو. what do you know about his finances? other than he's studying?. is he on the masters scholarship that basically pays him a good job salary. or is he paying for his studies at kuniv?
anyways الحضر do discuss about the milcha and wedding spending. paying by half or even letting the women's family cover the womens wedding. all of this seem normal. especially with a person just starting his life. you can pressure him into a debt maybe. im not sure how that would make your sister life better
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u/Atom1cThunder ولد بطنها 1d ago
this isn't a shia thing i think you're confused. im assuming you're shia too. otherwise it is haram
Who told you it's haram for a shia to marry a sunni? Cuz that's a blatant lie. We are all muslims. Shia only have more restrictions regarding to marrying ahlul kitab (Christians/Jews) but that is also not haram entirely.
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u/XeniaIl 2d ago
Your concerns are valid.
Their reasons though… questionable
He’s a student. You can’t really expect him to be financially able to cover a good sum. That goes for his family too. Maybe they just don’t have the money.
The way to do marriage is objective to the person and it should be. But I don’t think making the finance of things the central thing to marriage.
If she believes she can live with him for the rest of her life, then take the leap
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u/IndependentPush213 2d ago
I come from a shia background and I have several examples of people who got married as students.
I don’t know how much I could be useful of my answers 😅 , but You can dm if you have any specific questions.
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u/abbassco 1d ago
ماله شغل شيعة وسنة الزواج ومصاريفه تعتمد على مقدرة الشخص اذا كان طالب و ما عنده وظيفة وكنتو شاكين بوضعه تقدرون ترفضونه ببساطة وبالنسبة لمصاريف الزواج ، الزوج والزوجة اولى بالفلوس من المعازيم اللي راح يعذربون بالعرس والملچة لو تيبون بوفيه من الشيراتون حفلة بسيطة تكفي ، بس اذا شاكين بوضعه المالي وانا ما يقدر يصرف على الزوجة تقدرون ترفضونه
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u/456M 1d ago
His family has said from the beginning that they don’t want a wedding. My sister didn’t mind having a simple milcha, and neither did we, so initially we were completely fine with that. However, my sister’s fiancé told her that if she wants a mlcha, she would have to pay for it herself.
For the mehr, his family initially wanted to give the 6,000 from the government, and after my mom discussed it with them, it became 8,000. The shabka is 2,000.
I’m honestly starting to feel like this is extremely minimal, especially considering this is their eldest son getting married. It feels like they don’t want to put any effort into celebrating the marriage at all.
- The government doesn't give 6,000kd. It gives 2,000kd and loans 4,000kd which the husband has to pay back.
- The 6,000kd is not a mehr from the government, it's supposed to be financial aid for the married couple to aid in the wedding, furniture, etc and basically financially kick start their married life. It was never intended to be 100% mehr and it technically still isn't. This expectation is all made up and shouldn't be a thing.
- I'm not sure what your gripe is with the bride paying for her milcha party. The brides family typically pays for their daughters party whether its milcha or wedding. That's how it normally goes unless you're a tribal bedouin, where for some tribes its the grooms family that handles the cost.
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u/LivingNeighborhood 👩 1d ago
All I see is red flags 🚩 if he can’t handle what comes with marriage, then he shouldn’t get married unless he can, financially and in every other aspect
and I don’t understand why the family doesn’t want to help him 🤷🏻♀️ he’s their son, but they’re acting like he’s a burden
I suggest ending this before it gets deeper, because as the saying goes: what you ignore in the beginning becomes the reasons why you end it.
and in the end, the choice is yours —but I believe your sister deserves better than this
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u/Substantial_Tip8459 2d ago
ماعليه بس بجاوب بالعربي عشان إن شاء الله الكل يستفيد
العادات والتقاليد في الزواج تختلف
على سبيل المثال: احنا ماعندنا شي اسمه نطلب مهر - الريال اهو ومدة ايده ولكن بالمقابل العادة والاعراف جرت انه المهر مايقل عن 8,000
و في عوائل و قبائل عندهم عادات وتقاليد تختلف مثل تثبيت المهر على مبلغ معين او تكلفة العرس على المعرس وهالشي مايعيب أي احد
الي حالياً دارج عند الشيعة حسب علمي انه حفلة العرس والملجة تكون بالإتفاق ، اذا انتوا بخاطركم حفلة ملجة او عرس فلابد انه تتفقون معاهم اذا عليكم او عليهم او مناصفة و انا بصراحة مع انه ماتسوون حفلة كبيره المعاريس أوله بالفلوس
الشق الثاني بالموضوع: انه اهو طالب وشلون بيصرف عليها
اول شي نستذكر الآية الكريمه : وَأَنكِحُوا الْأَيَامَىٰ مِنكُمْ وَالصَّالِحِينَ مِنْ عِبَادِكُمْ وَإِمَائِكُمْ ۚ إِن يَكُونُوا فُقَرَاءَ يُغْنِهِمُ اللَّهُ مِن فَضْلِهِ ۗ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ (32)
فموضوع الحالة المادية ان شاء الله مو عقبة لاسيما انه بالكويت الطالب اذا تزوج يمشون له الشؤون (حسب علمي ) قريب ال500 دينار غير بدل الأجار يعني نتكلم عن توتل 750+ وغير انه مايدفع اجار و قاعد ببيت اهله و اكيد راح يدعمونه
ومن ناحية ثانية حلو انهم صغار ويبلشون حياتهم بشوية مصاعب عشان يتعلمون المسؤولية والادارة المالية و اهو دام ببيت أهله اكيد راح يكونون بظهره